IT WAS WELL over two months since she came back to Jenny Brown’s Bay, Ali realized, looking at the calendar on the kitchen wall; two months of writing, two months of trying to sort through the confusion in her head and over five months since she and Jake had finally split up for good. The last couple of weeks had felt like a real turning point though, thanks to Freckles.
At first she thought she’d taken on too much when, lost and lonely, the pup just hadn’t seemed to settle.
“If you need someone to love then here I am,” she told the little creature, and then she’d sat down with Freckles in her arms and talked to her for what seemed like hours, about love and life and loss, all the things that had turned her life on its head.
After the first few sessions of bonding Ali noticed that she herself felt much more calm and serene, as if opening her heart to the pup had helped to heal her, too. Freckles had stopped whining and pining and they’d become friends, forever friends. In fact she couldn’t imagine her life without the little dog in it. Reaching down she scooped the pup into her arms, holding her close.
“You,” she said, “are the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time...and today we are going to take our first proper walk with your brother.”
Half an hour later when she stepped outside into the fresh morning air, gulls were already circling in the sky above the clifftop, their distinctive, haunting cries rising on the wind that buffeted the crooked trees. She’d come back here just after Christmas, filled with trepidation and doubts, but now it felt as if there was a whole new brightness to the sky, a promise of spring that brought fresh hope and lightness into her heart.
“And that’s thanks to you,” she told Freckles, attaching her new collar and lead before picking up the little dog. “And Lily of course,” she added out loud. Tom had helped with her healing, too, but that thought she kept locked deep inside; they were friends, finally, and that was more than she thought they could ever be.
He approached her now as she walked along the shore. He had his pup on a lead but progress was slow as the fluffy white bundle didn’t seem to quite know what to do.
“I didn’t know if you’d come when I left you the message,” he called, smiling. “It just occurred to me that now I’ve decided to have a dog again it would be nice for Snowy here to have a friend to keep him company on our walks.”
Ali shrugged, trying not to look too enthusiastic. “I’m glad Lily talked you into taking him,” she said. “You won’t regret it. Freckles is the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time and she’ll love having Snowy around.”
“I’ll say,” he responded as the little white dog suddenly raced toward Freckles, totally forgetting that he was still on the lead. When it jerked him to a halt he pulled back against it, frustrated at being constrained.
“It does look as if he’ll need a bit more training on the lead though,” Ali said, unable to contain a giggle. “Come on girl,” she said to Freckles. “Let’s show him how it’s done... Or maybe not,” she added as Snowy managed to wrap his lead around Tom’s legs, almost making him lose his balance.
Suddenly they were both laughing together like two old friends.
“This is nice,” she said as they sorted out the leads and set off again. “No pressure.”
“No pressure is good,” Tom agreed but there was a longing in his eyes as he looked at her. “It’s nice to see you laughing again,” he added.
“And you,” she agreed. “Although if I’m honest I have to admit that it makes me feel...oh I don’t know, a bit guilty I suppose.”
They walked side by side, shoulders almost touching, as he took in what she’d said. “You should never feel guilty about laughing,” he told her. “Bobby wouldn’t have wanted that.”
“Would he have wanted us to be friends?” she asked.
Tom nodded. “Of course he would. Is that what we are then...friends?”
“I hope so,” she said with a smile.
Ali thought about their walk as she curled up in her bed that night. It really did feel that finally they were becoming friends; it was nice, she decided, and at least it was a start.
A start of what, asked her inner voice, what did she want it to be? Closing her eyes she pushed the question aside, refusing to address it... They’d walked along the shore that’s all, had a few lighthearted laughs, talked dogs and remembered Bobby. It was enough for now and more than she’d expected.
* * *
FOR TOM, sleepless and confused, things weren’t quite so clear. He couldn’t look at Ali without his pulse quickening; the glint of gold in her hair when the sun caught it, the way her warm brown eyes crinkled at the corners when she smiled...and the inner glow she seemed to radiate. Everything about her drew him in however hard he tried to blank it out, and he couldn’t get rid of the gut-wrenching guilt about his feelings. Today though, maybe because of the pups, it had been different; it felt as if they were both finally moving on as friends. He liked that feeling and he was determined not to mess up. They’d even discussed taking the dogs onto the shore again tomorrow, nothing definite, just a vague suggestion dependent on the weather. He hoped the weather would be good.
Sunday morning dawned bleak and gray. The sea seemed to merge with the sky with no distinct horizon, and storm clouds hung heavy in the air.
“No walk today,” Tom told Snowy, who was standing near the door wriggling his whole body in anticipation... “Never mind, after breakfast we’ll go to The Fisherman’s and see the family.”
It had surprised Tom to find how easily he’d adapted to having a companion around all the time; he talked to the pup constantly, airing his views and plans as if the little creature could understand his every word.
“Do you know,” he said, reaching down to scratch behind the pup’s ears, “I didn’t realize how lonely I was until you came along.”
Snowy whined in response and Tom laughed. “Are you disappointed about missing our walk with your sister? Well I’m disappointed, too, but don’t worry, we’ll call in there on the way past.”
When he reached Ali’s door with the pup carefully tucked inside his waterproof jacket, Tom hesitated. Should he just leave it until later? As he stood dithering on the doorstep the door opened and there she was.
“I suppose you’ve come to tell me that our walk’s off.” she said. “The pups are still too young to get cold and wet I know... You could stop for a coffee though. If you want to that is.”
“Thanks,” Tom said, a warm glow settling inside him. “I guess the kids can play inside.”
“You’ve certainly taken this puppy ownership seriously.” She laughed, ushering him into the kitchen. “Although I admit that at times it does feel as if I’ve got a baby to take care of.”
Tom placed Snowy gently down on the floor, then watched the two pups playing. “Do you ever regret it?” he asked. “Getting Freckles I mean?”
“No of course not,” cried Ali. “In fact I owe Lily for persuading you to give her to me.”
Tom gestured in the direction of the window. “Well you can thank her now if you like because I can see her walking along the shore.”
Not bothering to knock, Lily burst in through the front door and came running into the kitchen. “Oh,” she said when she saw Tom. “So you’re here.”
“Well don’t sound too pleased to see me.”
“I am—it’s not that... I wanted to talk to Ali about something.”
“Don’t worry, I know when I’m not wanted. Just let me finish my coffee and I’ll be off... I was on my way to see Mum and Dad anyway.”
Ali automatically held out her hand in objection. “No, it’s fine, Lily. Anything you want to say to me you can say in front of Tom.”
Lily’s face turned a vivid shade of pink. “But it’s Tom I want to talk to you about,” she whispered.
Tom gulped back his drink and picked up Snowy. “Don’t worry I really am off... I’ll call in on my way back, Ali...if that’s okay?”
“Yes...sure,” she said.
* * *
AFTER TOM LEFT, Lily turned toward Ali. “I want to ask you something,” she said, her voice high-pitched with excitement.
Ali smiled. “...Yes?”
“Are you in love with Tom?”
Taken aback, Ali hesitated. “Why...no,” she eventually managed. “Of course not.”
“So do you still love your husband?”
Her response was instant. “No...definitely not.”
Lily grinned with satisfaction. “There,” she said. “You see.”
“See what?”
“When I asked about Tom you went pink and stuttered but when I asked the same question about your husband you didn’t hesitate.”
“What’s brought all this on, Lily?” Ali asked.
Lily pulled at her blond plait. “I heard Ned talking to dad.”
“And what was he saying?”
“Ned said that you were after Tom, you lost Bobby and now you want Tom.”
“And what do you think, Lily.”
The girl’s pretty face lit up with a broad grin. “I want you to fall in love with Tom,” she said. “I’m sure he likes you.”
Ali shook her head, moved by Lily’s admission. “That’s just wishful thinking I’m afraid. I don’t think Tom wants a relationship with anyone, to be honest. His life is full enough with his fishing. And even if, as you seem to believe, he does have feelings for me, then I don’t think he’d want to upset the rest of the family.”
“It’s only Ned who’d be upset. Dad told him that he needed to back off and get rid of all his bitterness. ‘Bobby’s gone,’” he said, “and we’ll never forget him. We are still here though and we have to get on with living.’”
“And what did Ned say?”
“He just turned and walked off... So you will think about falling in love with Tom?”
“I hope you’re not going to ask him the same question.”
“I might...unless you tell me how you really feel.”
“Look, Lil,” Ali took both the girl’s hands in hers. “I like Tom and I hope we’re friends but love just happens. Sometimes you can’t stop it even if you want to and sometimes you really want to be in love with someone but however hard you try it doesn’t happen.”
“Like that song,” Lily cried. “You know...”
“What song?”
“I can’t remember who sings it but I know some of the words.”
“Go on then, let’s hear it.”
Lily took a breath and started to sing “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” Ali was dumbfounded.
“Oh Lily,” she cried. “It’s George Michael. That was so beautiful and yes...that’s exactly what I meant.”
Lily’s pretty face puckered. “So you don’t love Tom then,” she said sadly.
“I don’t love anyone in that way right now,” Ali told her, trying to be totally honest. “I hope Tom and I are friends and maybe one day...who knows. But for now don’t get your hopes up.”
Ali thought about their conversation after Lily left, remembering the “moments” between her and Tom. The way his lips had felt against hers when he kissed her that day, warm and soft and so tender; it seemed so long ago now. The way her heart raced when she saw him. She hadn’t been totally honest with Lily, she knew that now, but there again she hadn’t been totally honest with herself either. She wasn’t divorced and Bobby’s death was still so raw... The timing just wasn’t right...yet. One day though she really hoped it would be and until then...until then she had to take one day at a time. Finish her book, see a solicitor about the divorce...and maybe take out a longer lease on the cottage.
* * *
OVER THE NEXT few weeks Ali did just as she’d promised herself, taking one day at a time and seeing where life led her. She and Tom fell into a comfortable routine of walking the pups along the shore, more often than not accompanied by Lily, who brought Pip along, having been dissuaded by her mum from having one of the pups herself.
“Now that Tom has Snowy,” she explained. “Pip really is my dog and I don’t need two to look after, do I... Anyway I can always come and play with Freckles.”
“Whenever you want,” Ali told her. “You know you’re always welcome.”
Ali loved her walks with Tom alone, but having Lily along helped keep a distance between them. Somehow she knew that getting too close to Tom would probably be the quickest way to drive him away and that was the last thing she wanted. She also loved the time they spent working on her book, or rather she worked while he just talked. The moments when he dropped his usual guard and let his love of fishing and the sea take over were rare. She’d just sit and listen, sometimes taking notes but usually absorbing the atmosphere he created, storing it inside her head to recreate when she started to write.
“I remember the first time I took Bobby fishing on my own,” he began one early evening in late March, after a brisk walk along the shore.
Ali sipped her coffee, watching the dogs play chase around the room and waiting patiently for him to go on; if pushed, he sometimes changed the subject so she just waited patiently and hoped he was about to expand on the story.
“It was about the same time of year as this,” he went on. “I was about fourteen or fifteen so Bobby couldn’t have been more than five or six. It terrifies me now to realize just how crazy I was then, to take a five-year-old out on a boat, but our parents were busy and it was my job to look after him for the day. I wanted to go fishing so I took him along in my little dingy.”
He stopped for a moment then, recollecting the experience; his dark hair was curly with the damp spray from the sea and his cheeks were flushed from the bracing wind outside. To Ali he looked ruggedly handsome and more approachable than usual. Her heart did a slow flip as she remembered his kiss and for a second she closed her eyes.
“When we set off the bay was calm,” he went on and she opened her eyes again, watching the expression on his face as he relived the moment and wishing that she’d known him as a young boy.
“We were around the point, near to a small island I liked to go to, when the wind came up. If I’d been a better fisherman then I’d have checked on the weather but I guess you just get on with it when you’re fifteen. We’d caught a few little tiddlers. Bobby cried, I remember, when I made him put them back. He just kept shouting ‘crabs, crabs, crabs.’ It was all he wanted to catch. So to keep him happy I decided to row to the island and look for some there. I pulled the dingy up onto the sand, gave him a bucket to put his crabs in when he caught them and we set off on our search. He was so excited and we both totally ignored the wind, except for when I had to grab hold of him to stop him being blown into the sea.
“We walked for ages that day, around the edge of the large sand bank I thought was an island, stopping now and again to dig in the soft sand for crabs. Bobby found two tiny ones and he was pleased as punch. Then the rain started and I decided we’d better head back for the boat. By the time we got to where we’d left the dingy a full-blown storm had set in. Waves were washing all over the place and the dingy had disappeared. Bobby started to cry and I just yelled and yelled for help but no one came. We sat on the sand shivering with cold and wet right through to our underwear for what felt like hours. It was Bobby who spotted the dingy about twenty feet out. The sea had taken it but now it seemed to be blowing it back to us and there was only one thing I could do...”
“You didn’t try to swim out to it, did you?” Ali gasped.
“Well I was about to,” Tom said with a smile, “but Bobby was too quick for me—he just waded out and then suddenly he disappeared under the water. If he hadn’t had his crab bucket with him I’d never have found him, but it bobbed up out of the water and I waded in to chest height, dragged him out and then retrieved the dingy. All he cared about was whether he still had any crabs left.”
“And did he?” Ali asked.
“Fortunately he still had one,” Tom told her. “Or he’d have cried all the way home. We never told our parents about that outing but I guess they’ll know now when they read the book.”
“Sure will,” Ali said. “And thanks for that, it was a lovely memory.”
Tom grinned. “I’m not so sure my parents will agree. It’s kind of nice though to remember times like that without tears—stories about him growing up seem to bring him back to life...but in a happy way.”
“Oh Tom,” Ali cried. “That is exactly what I want the book to do.”
“So do I get to read it now?” he asked, but she shook her head.
“When it’s finished,” she promised. “You’ll be the very first person to read it.”
After the shared emotion and closeness between them that evening Ali felt as if their relationship had moved to another level; she couldn’t wait to see him again but to her disappointment he seemed to avoid her for the next few days. Determinedly she got on with her book, trying to focus on the words in front of her. Obviously their shared emotion that evening had frightened him off and she’d just have to live with that.
* * *
THAT EVENING WITH Ali had awakened him to feelings he didn’t want to face. He was, first and foremost, a fisherman and he’d always said that he would never let a woman sit at home in trepidation, wondering whether or not he was going to return from his latest fishing trip. Bobby’s drowning had not only strengthened that resolve, it had also made him feel even stronger about his passion for the sea. He felt that he owed it to his brother to keep their way of life alive. Otherwise what had he died for? Admitting to his feelings for Ali would serve only to confuse things even more. He needed to talk to her, to explain how he felt and make her understand.
Tom knocked on her door around eight thirty on a Friday evening, just as the sun was going down after a fresh, blustery day. She opened the door, greeting him with such a radiant smile that the breath caught in Tom’s throat. Fresh from the shower, her damp hair curled around her face and her skin glowed with the warmth of the water.
“Hi,” he said awkwardly.
“Hi,” she responded, surprised to see him.
“I’m on my way home and I wanted to talk to you...the lights were on.”
She held the door open, standing back to let him through. “Coffee?” she asked heading for the kitchen, “Or would you rather have a glass of wine?”
He shrugged. “Whatever.”
“Wine it is then,” Ali said, walking over to the cupboard for two glasses.
“Let me,” Tom insisted.
He lifted the glasses down from the top shelf and then hesitated. She was still standing in front of him, so close that he could feel the heat of her body. She turned to face him, looking up to meet the intensity in his dark eyes, and all his good intentions were forgotten.
“Oh Ali,” he murmured, lowering his lips to hers.
After placing the glasses down he took her in his arms, holding her hard against his chest as his lips finally claimed hers. She kissed him with such warmth and softness that he never wanted to release her. And when he finally, reluctantly, let her go, she reached up to stroke his cheek. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I came here to talk to you, to be honest, and...”
Curling her hand around the back of his neck she drew his lips down to hers again, cutting off his sentence. “Perhaps this is you being honest,” she murmured. “And don’t be sorry.”
It was Tom who pulled away first. “What happened to the things you said, Ali, about wrong timing and taking one day at a time?”
“Impulse overcame good intentions.”
He took hold of both her hands in his, gripping them tightly. “What just happened, Ali...was it a sudden impulse, two confused people reaching out... Or was it more than that?”
She stepped away from him, reluctantly pulling back her hands. “I don’t know...perhaps you should go now.”
“Do you want me to?”
She shook her head, still holding his eyes with hers. “No... I don’t. I just think it might be best, that’s all, you know, to give us both a chance to think.”
“No wine then?”
“Better not.”
As he walked past her toward the door he stopped midstride, taking her arm and pulling her toward him again. “Tomorrow then,” he murmured, brushing his lips against hers again as if daring her to forget. “Tomorrow I want you to tell me how you really feel.”
“Tomorrow...” he heard her murmur as the door closed behind him.