BIT BY BIT in Jenny Brown’s Bay a slow healing began. Just two weeks after Tom and Ned braved the sea again Jed Roberts finally decided it was time he, too, faced his demons and went out with his two sons on a fishing trip. No one mentioned Bobby’s name as they headed out into the English Channel but in every one of the familiar tasks they undertook he was there.
It felt good, thought Tom, to feel Bobby’s presence around them without that first deep cut of agony. The pain of his loss would be with them forever but the happy memories of his young brother could only bring joy.
“He’ll always be with us won’t he,” Jed said, looking across at his sons as they made their way homeward.
“Sure will,” Tom agreed. “In fact he’s probably laughing at our long faces right now.”
“He’ll no doubt be bringing laughter to heaven,” Jed added.
“He should be here with us,” cut in Ned, his face dark with anger. “It should never have happened.”
“But it did,” Jed told him sadly. “And bitterness will only bring more pain. You have to let go, son, for your own peace of mind—even your mother is trying to move on and it’s cut her deeper than any of us.”
* * *
AS HER HUSBAND and two remaining sons began to rekindle their love affair with the sea and let go of their fears, back home Grace Roberts had finally persuaded herself that it was time to go through Bobby’s things and allow him to rest. Standing in the doorway to his room she fondly remembered how he’d always clung on to his childhood belongings, like Podge, the well-worn yellow bear who sat on a shelf with other keepsakes. His brothers had teased him about keeping Podge but Bobby hadn’t cared. In fact, Grace realized, life in general had rather slid right over him; nothing ever bothered Bobby much. It was a part of having older brothers she supposed, teasing him and trying to wind him up but always there as a backup when needed.
Tears filled her eyes as she held the scruffy little bear close. She’d give it to Lily, she decided. She’d take good care of it and Bobby would have loved his little sister to have it. Her eyes fell on the items she had carefully placed on the dressing table, just as if they were waiting for him to pick them up. The baseball cap he always wore, with a comical fish on the front, his diary and his cell phone. She picked up the phone, its screen black. Emotion flooded over her as she grabbed the charger. She’d give the phone to Lily, too, bring it back to life again.
Holding tight on to the precious items she left the room, gently closing the door behind her. She’d made a start and that was enough for one day.
Lily was in her room, just down the corridor from Bobby’s. With her usual astute awareness, she went to the door. “I’m glad you’ve been to Bobby’s room at last, Mum,” she said. “He wouldn’t have wanted you to stay away.”
Grace placed her arm about her daughter’s shoulders and gave her a quick hug. “I know, love. I should have faced up to it sooner but... I just... I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to say sorry to me, Mum. Bobby would understand, too, so you don’t ever need to say sorry to him.”
“Your dad told me that you often go and sit in Bobby’s room, I think that’s what made me realize that it was time I stopped hiding.”
“And did it help? It helps me, kind of makes me feel as if he’s still there. I talk to him and I’m sure he can hear me.”
Grace pressed her lips against the pale gold of Lily’s hair. “Do you know, Lil, it’s been well over two months?”
“Sometimes it seems ages since Bobby died and Ali went away,” Lily said. “And sometimes it seems like yesterday.”
Grace nodded. “You liked her, didn’t you?”
Lily shrugged. “She was my friend... What are you doing with Podge?”
With a smile Grace held the teddy bear up as if it was talking to Lily. “I want you to look after me please,” she said in a high-pitched voice.
Lily laughed, reaching out for the bear and cradling it in her arms. “Of course I’ll look after you, Podge. You can even sleep in my bed.”
“There’s something else, too,” Grace went on. “I think Bobby would want you to have his phone... Here.”
When she handed it over Lily’s face lit up. “Honestly...?” she cried. “And I really can use it and everything?”
“You really can use it and everything,” Grace told her, feeling pleased with her decision. “I suppose you could think of it as your Christmas present from Bobby. Now here’s the charger so why don’t you go and plug it in right away. I’m off to get on with lunches. Perhaps you could come down and help me in a bit...when you’ve had a play with the phone.”
* * *
LEFT ALONE IN her room Lily plugged in the charger on Bobby’s phone and pressed the on switch. The phone bleeped, the screen lit up and Bobby’s vibrant grin jumped out at her, making her gasp. It felt as if he was in there.
“Hello, Bob,” she said. “Good job I know all your passwords.”
The phone remained silent but his eyes seemed to look right at her, following her every move. It felt to Lily as if he wanted to show her something... Of course he did she realized, for he’d have Ali’s details. She’d longed for ages to just pick up the phone and contact her but no one seemed to have her number...or if they did then they weren’t saying.
Her fingers trembled as she clicked on Ali and the buzz of the ring tone echoed around inside her head.
“Hello...! Bobby!” Ali’s voice, once so familiar, sounded shaky and odd.
“Ali... Ali,” she cried. “It’s me... Lily.”
“Oh...” The phone went silent for a minute. “I thought... I mean... How are you all?”
“We’re good...I guess. Sorry if I gave you a fright but Mum gave me the phone, you see... Bobby can’t use it anymore after all and he wouldn’t have minded.”
“He’d have loved you to have his phone, Lily. I know it.”
“Thanks... Mum says it’s my Christmas present from him. Did you have a good Christmas? Ours was kind of quiet.”
“I don’t suppose you felt much like celebrating,” Ali said. “I spent it with friends and their children...it was nice.”
“I’ve wanted to talk to you for ages,” Lily blurted out. “But I didn’t have your number and anyway everyone told me that I should leave well enough alone.”
“And Tom?” Ali asked. “Did he say that, too?”
Lily shook her head. “He doesn’t say much at all... I think he misses you though.”
“You must have a good imagination if you think that, Lily... Anyway it looks like you just might have to put up with me again, for a while at least.”
“What, you mean you’re coming back...here...with your husband?”
For a moment Ali went quiet. “It’s a long story, Lily,” she said. “But I’ll be on my own. I need to come back though, I realize it now. Anyway, I have to go but I’ll speak to you soon I promise.”
“But when...?” Lily began, and then the phone went dead.
* * *
WALKING ALONG THE bustling street, Ali felt lost in the sea of nameless faces that surrounded her. She’d once loved living in the city but now all she could think about was the peace and tranquility of Jenny Brown’s Bay and her cottage on Cove Road. A heavy weight came over her and her feet seemed to drag as she headed back to the offices of The Times; she’d felt so tired lately but she guessed it must be all the trauma and emotion that seemed to color her life at the moment. She’d told Lily that she was going back to Jenny Brown’s Bay and now it was time to act, not dream; tonight, she decided, she’d tell Jason and Laura that she was leaving.
* * *
COVE COTTAGES LOOKED just the same, thought Ali, as she pulled up outside Number Three, except that when she’d left in November it had all been so gray and wild. Now though the trees were rimed with a frost that sparkled in the crisp winter sunshine and the sky was a pale eggshell blue with a flurry of fluffy white clouds moving lazily across its wide expanse above a shimmering, peaceful sea.
Last night she’d slept at a travel lodge, needing space to clear her head. Jake rang twice but she didn’t answer.She really had nothing left to say to him...except perhaps goodbye. By 7:00 a.m., after skipping breakfast, she’d been on the road again, heading for her whole new start. Now she suddenly realized, climbing out of her car, it was almost lunchtime and hunger pangs clawed.
As she looked out across the bay the clear, crisp air took her breath away; she gulped it deep down into her lungs as if to totally immerse herself in being back here in Jenny Brown’s Bay. She’d take all her stuff inside, she decided, then light the fire to get the cottage warmed up and order in some supplies.
Carrying her bags and cases she headed for the front door of Number Three, her eyes drawn to Tom’s cottage just down from her own. Was he home, she wondered, and would he be angry that she was back? The Roberts family had been grieving for months, learning to live with their loss; seeing her again might just churn up all the pain. Perhaps she was wrong to have come back here; perhaps she should have found another fishing village to go to, where she could do some more research and write her book without upsetting anyone. The book was about Bobby though, and this was Bobby’s place; she had to be here. She’d just stay away from everyone as much as possible, go on the internet and get her supplies delivered from the store in town and absorb herself in her writing.
By late afternoon a fire was roaring up the chimney, she’d unpacked her suitcase ordered her supplies and dusted and cleaned up the cottage, opening all the windows to let in some fresh air, despite the cold. Then unable to resist the glorious view beyond her window she took a stroll along the shore, hoping she wouldn’t see anyone. The walk made her feet and fingers tingle and when she got back to the cottage she knelt down in front of the fire holding her hands out to the flickering flames with a good feeling inside her.
She was sorry if her being here upset the Roberts brothers, but she needed this so much and she’d stay well away from them. Anyway, Tom’s cottage was dark and empty so perhaps he’d moved out. That thought made her feel sad and lonely; she’d held a secret hope that maybe one day she and Tom could at least be friends again.
Her supplies arrived shortly after the winter’s sun slid down into the bay, leaving the world outside the cottage in a silvery darkness. Opening the door to let the delivery man in with the boxes she noted that both the other two cottages in the row were still dark, so obviously Tom wasn’t home yet. The owners of Number Two hadn’t been around since she moved to Cove Road. Elsa May, her landlady, had said that they were working abroad and the cottage had been empty for over a year.
With a cheery smile the man deposited her supplies on the kitchen table. “Thanks,” Ali said. He waved his hand, heading back toward his van.
It was just before she shut the door that she saw Tom walking home through the darkness.
He must have seen her in the light from the open door but he just stared straight ahead, striding out along the track toward his cottage as if he hadn’t noticed she was there. So he was still angry with her. She fought back sadness. Never mind, she had plenty to fill her time now and she needed no one’s company but her own.
* * *
FOR ALMOST THREE full days Ali spoke to no one. She walked along the shore in the early mornings wrapped up in her down-filled jacket, delighting in the smells and sounds of the sea as she watched Tom from afar, walking straight and resolute along the track that led to the village. Was he heading off to the boatyard or the pub? she wondered, wishing she could just go and ask him. And had he started fishing again or was Bobby’s death still too raw? Maybe he’d fallen out of love with the sea since his brother’s tragedy; somehow though she couldn’t really believe that.
On the fourth day, as she leaned over her laptop immersed in her work, a knock came on her door. She sat up sharply, heart pounding, smoothing down her hair as she hurried to answer it. “Hello...”
“Hello,” said Lily with a cautious smile. “Why didn’t you tell me you were back?”
* * *
“BYE, MUM,” Tom called. “I’ve fixed the bedroom door for you and the new kitchen unit’s up so I’m off now.”
Grace bustled ito the kitchen, eager to see her eldest son before he left. “Thanks, love,” she said, kissing him on the cheek. “Now are you off to the boatyard or are you heading home?”
“Boatyard,” Tom replied with no hesitation. “We might not be fishing today but there’s always plenty to do.”
“You need to live a little, Tom,” she said. “Bobby’s gone but that doesn’t mean that you can’t get on with your life.”
Tom gave her shoulder a quick squeeze. “I am, Mum. I’m getting on with my life in my own way so don’t worry about me.”
“I worry about you all... It’s what mothers do... Did you know that Ali has come back?”
He could hardly lie to his mother. “We both live on Cove Road...so yes, I had noticed.”
“Have you spoken to her?”
Tom shrugged. “Why would I... I have nothing to say to her.”
“She might need a friend... After all, according to Lily she went back to her husband and now she seems to be here all alone...”
The flicker of a smile softened Tom’s features. “And how, Mother dear, have you managed to acquire all this information?”
“It’s a small place,” she told him, raising her eyebrows. “Bill, who delivers my groceries from the store in town, just happens to deliver to Ali, too. He was there the other day and he said that she seemed to be on her own.”
Tom laughed. “And when did you become such a nosey parker?”
“I’m not a nosey parker,” his mother said, affronted. “I just happen to care about people and no one wants to be alone...even if they think they do.”
“I’m alone,” responded Tom.
“And so is Bobby,” came Ned’s harsh voice from behind them. “Isn’t that what’s important? No one seems to care anymore.”
They both looked at him in surprise. “Of course we care and of course it’s important,” Grace cried, her face crumpling. “He was my son, my baby boy. Somehow, Ned, we have to try and deal with it and remember the love and happiness we shared. He’s gone and no amount of bitterness will bring him back.”
When Ned strode off without replying Grace turned toward Tom, her face pale and sad. “Please talk to him, Tom, he won’t talk to me and the only person he’s going to hurt by carrying around all that anger is himself... Perhaps Ali could try and make him see sense.”
“I think Ali is the last person to make Ned see sense,” Tom said. “And it’s obvious that she wants to be left alone. Ned will come to accept Bobby’s loss eventually... It’s just too soon for him yet that’s all.”
Tom thought about his brother as he worked on The Sea Hawk later that day, getting her ready and shipshape for their next trip. Perhaps it was Ned’s own guilt, he decided, that made him so bitter; it wasn’t like him to be so negative, and to lay all the blame at Ali’s door was downright cruel. Sure, in a way it was her fault, but it was Bobby who’d made all the fuss about bringing her along and neither Ned, nor their dad for that matter, had backed Tom up when he refused to take her. Anyway, what was the point? It was all water under the bridge now. Their mum had the right idea, she of all people was the one most likely to feel bitter but all she said was that they should just remember the love and happiness they’d shared when Bobby was alive and rejoice in having known him.
Ned, though, was in a very dark place. Maybe his gut instinct was right, Tom thought, and Ned did feel that as an integral part of Search and Rescue he should have been able to save their brother. Tomorrow, he decided, putting his tools away, he’d try and talk to him again, make him see sense.
Tom was just leaving the boatyard when his phone blasted from his back pocket. He always had it set on a rowdy tune; otherwise he’d never hear it. Now it jangled in his ears annoyingly. swiping it open he put it to his ear. “Hello...”
“Tom,” came his mother’s voice, high-pitched and anxious. “Have you seen Lily? It’ll be dark soon and I don’t know where she’s got to.”
“Don’t worry, Mum,” he told her. “You know Lily—no doubt she’ll come sauntering in soon with her pockets full of pebbles and shells.”
His mother’s voice lightened and he knew he’d made her smile. “Actually she was looking for a carrier bag,” she told him.
“There you go then,” he said. “And don’t worry—I’ll soon track her down.”