FOR THE NEXT few weeks Ali worked diligently on her book, alone apart from when Lily breezed in and made her smile, but happy in her own company. She tried not to think about Tom because her feelings for him were confusing and she needed to focus.
As the story progressed, taking shape in her mind, she began to feel as if she really knew Bobby, the real Bobby not just the bright, fun-loving young man who’d done his best to impress her. And she could see now that he had. Tom was right, Bobby really had been fond of her, maybe even imagined he was in love with her. But no matter what Ned and Tom thought it had only ever been just a boyhood crush...hadn’t it?
The horror of that awful day flooded her mind. Bobby’s voice desperately calling out to her as she hung above the water. She’d tried so hard to hold on to him when he fell but the awesome might of the cruel sea had torn him away. She’d always loved the sea in all its guises...now she wanted to hate it.
She walked across to the window, looking out across the serenity of the bay with a new respect, knowing that no matter what, she could never really hate the sea. Today it looked so tranquil and so very, very, beautiful that it seemed impossible for it to have taken Bobby’s life... If she was honest, though, she knew that she was the one who’d caused his death. The sea wasn’t to blame...it was her irresponsibility and ignorance...
Her relationship with Bobby had been irresponsible, she knew that now. Ned was right, she may not have been having a love affair with Bobby but she had used him to make herself feel better about Jake’s cheating and taken the kindness he offered without considering his feelings.
He’d bolstered her own lack of self-esteem by giving her the attention she craved and she should have realized how he felt and backed off...for his sake. So Ned was right and she was to blame for Bobby’s death. After all, would he have jumped into the sea for someone he saw as just a friend? She pushed back her chair, leaped up and grabbed her coat, needing to get away from the dark thoughts that stifled her.
* * *
TOM REACHED DOWN to give Pip’s ears a scratch, watching as she jumped back into the whelping box and cuddled with her pups, nudging them toward her teats as if she’d done it all a dozen times before.
“How does she know what to do?” Lily asked, her pretty face puckered in concentration. “If I had a baby I wouldn’t know what to do and I can talk. Pip can’t ask anyone she just has to do it all by herself...so how does she know?”
Tom shrugged. “I guess it’s nature. How do swallows know to fly to Africa and back, or cod know when and where to move in the ocean?”
“Or trees know when to shed their leaves,” Lily added.
“Or daffodil bulbs know when it’s time to start growing into flowers...”
Tom looked across at his sister with affection. “We humans have to ask each other about such things, but nature just does them by instinct you see...and that’s amazing.”
“So do you think that if we humans couldn’t speak to each other then we’d automatically know what to do?”
“I would hope so ,” Tom told her. “So you don’t need to worry about it.”
“Have you asked Ali yet?” Lily’s sudden change of subject took Tom by surprise. He should be used to her sudden swings in conversation by now.
“No,” he announced. “And I don’t want you to either...or at least not yet. I’m still thinking about it.”
* * *
TWENTY MINUTES LATER, having called in to see his parents, Tom headed along the seafront toward Cove Road. He saw Ali coming out of Number Three as he walked down the narrow pathway toward the cottages but it was obvious that she hadn’t noticed him. Her jacket was unbuttoned despite the cold and her hair blew out behind her in a cloud, dancing on the blustery wind. She looked upset, he thought, following in her footsteps.
When she stopped down by the sea, where a clump of gray rocks rose up from the rushing tide, he stopped, too. He didn’t want to interfere but...
She sat down on the rocks, staring out at the incoming sea, looking like a stranded mermaid. Then she looked down at her hands, twisted her wedding ring round on her finger and pulled it off, throwing it into the waves. He headed toward her, moving quietly across the sand. “You okay?” he asked, stepping up beside her. She was crying he noticed with a flood of dismay.
“Not really,” she said.
“Want to talk about it?”
“Not really,” she repeated.
“Let’s walk,” he suggested, waiting patiently while she got to her feet.
They headed along the shore with the sharp wind in their faces, turning their cheeks to ice and making their eyes water. Ali shuddered, pulling her jacket more tightly around her. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I was just having a wobbly moment... You need to go home now. I’ll be fine.”
“You threw away your ring...so is this all about your husband?”
Her response was emphatic. “No...that’s all behind me now.”
“Bobby then?”
When she nodded, dropping her chin to her chest, he stopped and took hold of her shoulders, turning her to face him. The pale winter’s sun, slowly sinking toward the horizon, lit up her delicate features. Her honey-brown eyes, shadowed now, looked up into his.
“Look,” he said. “We all have bad moments when it really gets to us, probably always will, but it’s done now. We just have to learn to live with it.”
“But it was my fault... I realize that now more than ever.”
“What do you mean... What’s changed?”
“You were right,” she told him. “You know...about Bobby having feelings for me. I see it now and I feel so bad. I was just too busy thinking about my own problems to notice.”
“So what’s brought all this on now?” he asked.
“I’ve been thinking that’s all, about Bobby and what happened. I didn’t know...should have known. I was so selfish.”
“There’s something different,” he said. “Something you’re not telling me.”
For a moment she hesitated. “Yes,” she said. “There is something. The secret I asked Lily to keep...you need to know about it.”
They walked back toward Number Three without speaking. Tom’s emotions spiraled out of control. One moment he wanted to walk away and the next he wanted to just take her in his arms and comfort her. What was the secret she was keeping, and why was she telling him this now?
* * *
THE FRONT DOOR creaked loudly as Ali pushed it shut behind them. The howling wind died away as it closed with a thud, leaving a heavy, lingering silence that made them both feel awkward.
“In here,” she said, motioning him into the kitchen. Her voice sounded too loud in her ears. His presence beside her loomed too huge.
She picked up her notes, flicking on the laptop. The title of the book jumped out at her: A Fisherboy’s Tale.
Tom frowned, his eyes racing over the page. “What’s this?”
“This is the secret I told you about.”
“Your article you mean?”
“It’s a book...for Bobby.”
“A book,” he repeated. “What, you mean a story, like fiction?”
“It’s a novel, but based on facts,” she told him, her conviction fading as she saw the doubt in his eyes. “I’ve been writing notes since I got here, you already know that. A lot of the information came from the times I used to pick your brain in the pub.”
He frowned. “But wasn’t that all about the article for your dad?”
“It was, yes, but then I got to thinking that it would be nice to do something for Bobby. I’ll write the article for my dad later. Anyway, while I was going through everything I got the idea to bring Bobby’s early years back to life...and yours, if you don’t mind. Basically it’s about a young boy growing up in a fishing village with his two older brothers, learning to be fishermen. Bobby is the main character of course, but obviously I don’t call him Bobby. The plot is based on the adventures they have while learning their trade. Obviously that’s all fictitious, but I’ll base it on the stories you told me. That way it’ll be really authentic and hopefully Bobby’s character will be authentic, too...if you’ll help me. I want the book to be a real tribute to Bobby, a celebration of his life and a way of remembering him with joy instead of sorrow.”
When Tom still didn’t speak Ali’s heart started racing. “But what about the things you said earlier, about it all being your fault?” he asked. “What does this story have to do with that?”
Her head fell to her chest. “The notes I made, they were about the people, too, not just the details about fishing as a way of life. When I read them Bobby came alive again, his humor, his kindness, his love for his family...his feelings for me. I felt that I was uncovering a whole new side of him that I hadn’t appreciated before...and that’s when I realized...”
“Realized what?”
“Realized that I needed to write this story...and—” she looked up at him, her eyes wide with tears “—and that Bobby hoped for more from me than just the friendship I so appreciated. I thought of him as just a boy, you see, but it suddenly struck me that maybe he was a little in love with me.”
“More than a little,” Tom agreed, his voice gruff with contained emotion.
“If you knew, then why didn’t I?” she cried. “If I’d let him know where we stood right from the start then maybe he wouldn’t have thrown his life away so easily. I should have seen it.”
“But you didn’t,” Tom reminded her. “And tearing yourself up about it isn’t going to bring him back.”
“I need to think,” she said. “You know, to get my head straight about it.”
He stepped toward her, and when she looked up at him, he cupped her face between his hands and touched his lips to hers with a soft, sweet gentleness that brought a quiver to her whole body.
“Finish your book,” he said, drawing back. “It’s a good idea. I’ll help you if I can...and so will Lily I’m sure.”
“But,” she began, touching her fingers to her lips.
“I’m not apologizing for the kiss,” he told her with the flicker of a smile. “And I don’t regret it, but now isn’t about us, it’s about what happened to Bobby, and us all getting past the guilt and regret before we can move on with our lives.”
“Do you think Ned will ever get past it?”
Tom shrugged. “I hope so, eventually. Maybe your book will be the key. Perhaps when he reads it he’ll see things differently.”
“I hope so,” Ali said. “And, Tom?”
“Yes?”
“Thanks.”
As she watched him walk away, two doors down to his lonely cottage, she felt a shudder of regret. Had she missed out on the love of her life? If the timing had been right could things have been different between her and Tom Roberts? She would probably never know, and now there was so much bitterness, heartache and regret to get past before she could even think about what she wanted. And anyway, did she even deserve to have the love of her life? She’d failed with Jake and she’d let Bobby and his family down so badly; her job now was just to try and make amends.