THE SUN WAS high in the sky, the sea glittered as far as the eye could see and a balmy breeze washed over the group of men who stood on the deck of The Sea Hawk.
“Perfect day for it,” remarked Tom as he steered the boat toward the horizon.
“Don’t know about that,” Ned grumbled. “None of them have had any experience. They’re just going to be hard work if you ask me.”
“Chill out, Ned,” Tom told him, reaching across to cuff his brother on the shoulder. “All these guys want is a fun day out and the chance to catch a few fish. They’re paying us handsomely for the experience so the least we can do is humor them.”
“Well I’d far rather be out in a storm catching fish to sell than humoring a load of guys who are just out for a good time,” Ned responded.
“You know what, Ned,” Tom said. “So would I, although if I’m honest there was a time after Bobby died, when I considered giving it up altogether. I just felt so angry.”
“What, you mean angry at the sea?”
“Maybe—I suppose I was confused—then we went out in the boat that day and I knew that I could never give it up. It’s wild, unpredictable and dangerous, I know, always will be, but maybe that’s what we love best. Today though is about a nice trip out on a sunny day. And it’s pretty easy money so don’t knock it. Now why don’t you go and put out their lunch. By the time they’ve eaten we’ll be at the fishing grounds.”
Reluctantly Ned went to do as he was bid and fifteen minutes later the six would-be fishermen were sitting happily tucking into roast beef sandwiches and large portions of pork pie.
“Told you that feeding them was a good idea,” remarked Tom as his brother came back into the cabin. “Now I’m just going to let the boat drift while they eat and we can chill out for a bit.”
For a few minutes the two men sat in silence; it was Ned who first broke it. “It’s obvious that you blame the sea for Bobby’s death, Tom, but you’re wrong you know. We can manage the sea. It’s people who let us down and make our job dangerous.”
“By people I suppose you mean Ali,” Tom said with a sigh.
“Well, she was to blame...and what I can’t deal with is that you’re still seeing her.”
“I’m not seeing Ali,” Tom responded coldly.
“Well you took her to the hospital.”
“Yes, I did... The baby was ill so what else could I do. She’s all on her own, Ned, and thankfully I’m not totally selfish... Anyway, she’s okay when you get to know her.”
“Oh yes and it looks like you’ve certainly ‘gotten to know her’—looks to me as if you’ve just stepped into Bobby’s shoes.”
A dull heat flooded Tom’s face and Ned must have realized that he’d overstepped the mark. “Sorry. That was a cheap shot.”
“About as cheap as it gets,” Tom told him. “Look Ned, I think it’s about time I gave you a few home truths so sit down, shut up and listen.”
“I’m all ears,” remarked Ned in a sarcastic tone.
“It’s about time you stopped festering in bitterness and got on with your life,” Tom began. “I happen to know for a fact that Bobby isn’t the father of Ali’s baby, and if he had been then she’d have wanted us all to know it and show some support. I also know that although Bobby might have thought he was in love with her, as far as she was concerned they were just good friends. The only person you’re hurting with all your bad feeling is yourself, Ned. Your anger is eating you up inside, and to be honest I think you’re getting at Ali because you feel guilty for not being able to save Bobby.”
“I work for Search and Rescue,” Ned butted in, his voice breaking. “I should have been able to find him.”
“No, Ned,” Tom reached out and took his brother’s arm. “If you could have saved him then you would have. You’re good at your job and if it had been possible to rescue Bobby then you would have done it. You did your best, but sometimes maybe some things are just meant to be. Yes, Ali persuaded him to take her out with us but she couldn’t have foreseen what might happen...even Mum has fought her demons and won over that one. The thing is...”
Ned studied his brother, as if trying to take in what he was saying. “The thing is what...?” he asked slowly.
“The thing is,” went on Tom, “laying blame isn’t really the answer. No one wanted it to happen but it did, it was an awful tragedy but we just have to deal with it and move on with our lives. Maybe even learn from it if we can. It wasn’t your fault that you couldn’t save him and it wasn’t Ali’s fault that Bobby fell into the sea. She acted stupidly but she didn’t understand how dangerous the sea can be, and Bobby was crazy to launch himself over the edge like that. In fact if you really want to try and blame someone then maybe it should be me. If I’d stuck to my principles and refused to let her come with us, then Bobby would still be alive. I knew it might get rough and yet I let a rookie come out on a fishing trip with us. I was the one in charge and I messed up more than any of you, so maybe I’m the one responsible for Bobby’s death. Ali was in my charge, too, and I should have known better than to let her come along.”
For what seemed like ages, Ned sat silent, mulling over his confession, Tom figured.
“I never knew you felt like that, Tom,” he eventually said. “And maybe you’re right about me laying blame to try and ease my own guilt. For what it’s worth though I feel a whole heap better for knowing that you’ve fought your demons, too.”
Tom nodded. “I guess we’ve all learned a lot—just a pity it’s too late. One thing is for sure though—no more rookies on The Sea Hawk.”
Ned grinned, lightening the mood. “What, you men like those rookies over there,” he said, gesturing toward the group of eager fishermen. “They’re on The Sea Hawk, aren’t they?”
“Different situation,” Tom said. “And as safe as houses. For one, it’s not what we consider to be proper fishing, and secondly, we know that they’re not going to be in any danger. They’re out to have fun and catch some fish. All we have to do is humor them. I know you don’t like doing these charters, Ned, but these guys seem decent enough and it’s easy money.”
“Do you know something, bro?” Ned announced with a smile. “I do believe you’re right, so let’s get this show on the road.”
Tom watched his brother march out on deck with a sense of pride. Ned had always been the sensitive one, the one who took everything to heart. Bobby was just kind of crazy and full of fun, and he...well he was the serious, sensible, boring brother who tried to hold everything together.
“Right, guys,” called Ned with an enthusiasm Tom had never seen before. “Who is up for some serious fishing?”
* * *
IT WAS OVER two hours later, as the sun drifted slowly down toward the horizon and the sea sparkled crimson and gold, before Tom turned The Sea Hawk toward home. Tired but happy and very satisfied with their afternoon’s fishing, the men sat on deck, drinking cans of beer with the sea breeze in their faces and arguing companionably about who caught the most fish.
When Ned came into the cabin Tom turned toward him. “Very successful day, Ned,” he said. “You did a great job.”
Ned shrugged. “I guess I listened to what you said and it kind of made sense. I normally hate these trips but the guys were great... I listened to the other stuff you said, too.”
Tom nodded, keeping his eyes on the sea ahead. “And...?”
“And I guess you were right about that, too. I have blamed myself. I beat myself up every day about failing Bobby... I almost handed in my notice at Search and Rescue.”
“That’s crazy, Ned. You’re brilliant at your job, but however hard you try there are always going to be casualties—it’s the name of the game.”
“That all sounds well and good,” Ned agreed. “Until the casualty is your little brother. I should never have laid blame though, it was unprofessional. Anyway...thanks for letting me know how much you struggled after the accident. I didn’t realize for a minute that you felt guilty, too. And for what it’s worth, Tom, it’s not up to me to judge who you want to spend time with.”
“Ali really is okay you know,” Tom said. “She knows that most people blame her and she understands why. She beats herself up about Bobby, too, you know.”
“I had no right go at her the other day,” Ned admitted. “It was well out of order.”
“Then talk to her,” Tom told him. “Go and see her and talk it through properly, tell her exactly how you felt and how you feel now.”
“Do you think she knew that Bobby was in love with her?”
“She does now. At the time he was one of her husband’s students. As far as I can make out she was all on her own when she and her husband broke up after she found out he’d been cheating on her. Bobby was just a friend, he was there for her and he suggested that she come and stay at The Fisherman’s to get material for an article she wanted to write about fishing...for her dad, who died a few months earlier.”
“And how do you really feel about her, Tom?”
Tom froze. How did he feel about Ali? “To be honest,” he admitted. “I’m very drawn to her. It’s all just too much though, you know, that deep-rooted guilt and the history she carries around with her like a lead weight...and now there’s the baby.”
“It’s spooked you, hasn’t it?” Ned asked. “You know...the thought of maybe having someone to be responsible for.”
“Kind of...” Tom admitted reluctantly. “I just don’t think it’s fair to subject anyone to our way of life, you know, waiting and worrying night after night.”
Ned shrugged. “I guess that’s up to the person in question, don’t you think?”
“Funnily enough,” Tom responded thoughtfully, “that’s kind of what Mum said. Anyway, enough about all that. I think we should push these charters a bit more now that you’ve got the hang of them.”
“Maybe,” agreed Ned. “It’s actually been kind of fun today...but coming back to Ali...”
Tom frowned, peering over the wheel. “What about her?”
“You’re right, I think I should go and talk to her—and maybe talk to Mum, too. She tried to make me see sense but I just pushed her away...now you’ve helped me see where she was coming from.”
Tom reached across and slapped his hand down on Ned’s shoulder. “I’m just glad I’ve finally gotten through to you... It’s time for you to move forward, Ned.”
“Yeah,” Ned shot his brother a wicked grin. “And maybe it’s time for you to move forward, too, Tom. After all, you’re no spring chicken anymore.”
“Cheeky devil,” Tom responded.
“Seriously though,” went on Ned. “Don’t cut Ali out completely just because of your principles. It’s not your decision to decide what people want. Be a friend to her at least, keep an open mind and just see where it goes...”
Tom glanced curiously across at his brother. “You’ve changed your tune.”
“No...” Ned said. “You’ve changed it for me... Anyway, enough chat, I’ll go and get our guests to pack up their stuff, we’re nearly home already.”
Ahead of them dusk was settling and lights shone out from the harbor, cutting through the half light. Home, thought Tom. It was good place to be. He’d think about Ned’s advice... Perhaps his brother had actually made some sense. The idea of seeing Ali made his heart race, surely that was a good enough reason not to give up on them just yet. Be her friend, he’d said; it sounded like a good plan...but how to start?
Tonight, he decided. He’d call in tonight on his way home.
* * *
ALI TRIED TO concentrate on the TV but the story line evaded her and she jumped up and switched it off, going to check on Daisy for the tenth time in half an hour. The baby slept sweetly, a pink glow of health shining from her perfect face. Leaning down Ali touched her lips to the soft curve of her cheek, gratitude flooding her bones. Things could have been so very different.
Something scratched her leg. Freckles, all wagging tail and smiling face. “Sorry girl,” she cried. “I haven’t fed you.”
As she put the dog bowl down on the kitchen floor, she heard a low knock on the door. Her heart lifted and she pushed her hair back behind her ears self-consciously as she hurried to open it, wishing she’d put on some lipstick.
“Hello,” Tom said. “I’m on my way home and I thought I’d stop by and see how Daisy’s doing.”
“She’s fine thanks,” Ali responded, not knowing whether to stand back and invite him in or keep him at arm’s length as she’d intended. As it happened it was Snowy who decided; pushing between their legs he swaggered inside and ran into the kitchen to finish off Freckles’s dinner.
“Sorry,” Tom said. “I’ll get him.” And then he was in her house and the choice was made. As he grabbed hold of Snowy a high-pitched wail sounded from the sitting room and Ali threw him a despairing glance as she went to see to Daisy.
“I’ll give Freckles some more food, shall I?” Tom asked, reaching for the empty dog bowl.
Ali nodded. “Thanks... You can put the kettle on, too...if you’ve time of course.”
Ali was sitting on the sofa with Daisy in her arms when Tom appeared from the kitchen. For a moment he just stopped and stared; the expression on her face was just so...loving, he supposed was the only way to describe it. But could he or any man ever compete with the depth of that love, he wondered.
“See,” she said, looking up at him with a sweet, soft smile. “She looks fine now, doesn’t she?”
“She looks beautiful,” he responded. “Like her mum... I mean, she looks so like you.”
Ali laughed, amused by his consternation. “I’ll take that as a compliment,” she said, standing up. “Now if you don’t mind holding Daisy for a minute I’ll nip and get her bottle.”
In one smooth movement Ali passed the baby to him, turning away immediately before he could refuse. “Thanks,” she said, disappearing through the door.
Tom held the baby awkwardly, unsure of what to do. “Hey, little one,” he murmured, rocking her gently. She stared at him with big blue eyes that seemed to see straight through him and then suddenly she smiled a wide toothless smile; a rush of delight flooded his bones. “Ali,” he cried. “Ali, she smiled at me.”
“She must like you,” Ali said, returning with the bottle. “Would you like to feed her?”
“Oh...” He froze.
“It’s okay.” Taking Daisy from him, she sat down beside him and held the bottle to the baby’s lips. “I don’t expect you to take it that far.”
“No,” Tom said, “I’d like to try feeding her...honestly.”
Ali looked at him curiously. “What’s brought about this change of heart?” she asked. “You’ve been avoiding us for the last couple of days and now here you are offering to feed the baby... What’s changed, Tom?”
“About that...” Tom caught her eye and then glanced away. “I’ve been thinking...”
“And?”
“We were, well, almost friends before...and I’d like to think that we can be friends again.”
“Oh Tom...” She reached across to place her hand on his arm. “We’ve never not been friends as far as I’m concerned, it’s just...well, to be honest I thought that the whole hospital experience must have totally spooked you.”
“Actually...it did,” he admitted. “Babies are such a huge responsibility...plus there’s everything else.”
“Like whether you can trust me or not?” she asked.
For a moment he hesitated, but it was long enough to answer her question.
She turned her attention back to Daisy, hiding her face. “Don’t bother to make excuses,” she said. “I know it’s been hard...with Bobby and everything, but I thought we were on the same side with all that now.”
“And we are...”
“But you still don’t trust me.”
“Oh Ali,” he placed his hand on hers, holding it tightly. “I do trust you...it’s just... You were right about the hospital, it made me think—a baby is such a huge responsibility.”
“Well I have a baby...as well you know,” she said evenly. “So what are you trying to say?”
“Oh I don’t know.” With his other hand he reached across to stroke a stray lock of hair from her forehead, looking deep into her warm brown eyes. “We have something, Ali... I’m not sure where it’s going yet but I don’t want to lose it.”
“Me neither,” she said, holding his gaze. “And I don’t want you to feel that you have to be responsible for us either, so let’s just wait and see where it goes...one step at a time?”
“One step at a time then,” he agreed. “And this—” wrapping his fingers around the nape of her neck he drew her, unresisting, toward him, brushing his lips against hers “—is my first step.”
Ali shivered deep inside, her lips tingling, but instead of taking things any further, he sat back and held out his arms. “And step number two—” he announced “—is feeding the baby.”
“Are you sure?” she asked.
His response was just to flash her a pleading smile and determinedly take hold of the bottle. “Well it can’t be that hard surely.”
As she settled Daisy gently down into his arms Ali glanced sideways at him with a grin. “So I guess step three must be changing her nappy.”
“Oh no,” he insisted. “I think that’s about step twelve. I’m working on step two.”