6

My Darling,

I heard a strange noise in the middle of the night, so I picked up my shotgun and stepped off the back porch toward the barn. I pushed one of the big double doors open with my free hand, and it creaked and moaned with a loud noise, announcing my presence to all the horses resting in the barn. I flipped on the light and scanned the stalls, searching for anything out of place. Each horse stood in its stall, quiet and sleepy-eyed, except for Whisky. He was flat on the ground with his head tilted to one side. Surely, I thought, he must have heard me swing open the barn door.

I called out his name and he did not respond. I dropped my shotgun right there in the dirt a few feet from the door. It’s a wonder it did not go off. I rushed over to Whisky, thinking there must be something seriously wrong with him. As I unlatched and swung open the door to his stall, he rose up and greeted me with as perplexed a look that a sleepy horse could give. My darling, I thought he was dead. I held onto his neck and cried with immense relief. I don’t know what I would have done if I lost him. Just like I still wonder what I’m doing without you. The only thing keeping me on this wretched earth is an uncompleted task.

I know this to be true because when I returned to the house, I had a spell. I could not breathe. My chest tightened up like a knot in a rope being pulled from both ends. For a moment, I thought: Good, this is my end, and I can go now. I can find comfort.

I fell to the floor clutching my chest. The pain was great and greatly rewarding at the same time. It reminded me that I am alive and now I am going to die. I have felt nothing for so long; it felt good to feel this pain. I stumbled over to the couch and fell on it, thinking to myself, this is where our children will find me. I will look as if I fell asleep and it was a peaceful comfortable death. I thought how that would have been okay, a fitting place and a fitting way for me to die, instead of stretching out my years and dwindling away as a feeble old man unable to ride and a burden on others. This was a good death.

The phone was only a few inches from my hand. I would let it sit there and not call for help, I thought. I would let this take its course and be done with it. However, I could not do it. I summoned forth a strength in me I did not know I had and denied the wishes of one man for the salvation of another.