For months I've dealt with insomnia, but there is something different this time. No amount of white noise or calming words can break me out of the need to twist and turn in the bed. I pace in front of the window, staring out into the dark, the white caps of the waves shimmering in the spotlights.
His words consumed my entire night. Any version of training makes nervousness race through me. I've been in the lifestyle for so long it should be second nature. Yet I find myself as giddy as a newbie about starting over while afraid of losing everything. Logic moves against emotions, and I sigh.
I grab my robe and walk down the hall to the kitchen. With practiced movements, I put the kettle on the stove. Thoughts spin as I try to make sense of why he wants the relationship to ‘restart’ as if I’m new. A time where the dance is about the structure needed to form respect. I wonder if I can open enough to trust. I wonder if he’ll be there to catch me when I fall.
The kettle whistles. I pour near boiling water over the Earl Grey teabag. There was a time when I loved the simple ritual of loose tea, but even that simple pleasure has escaped from my world.
The gray skies threaten my mood. With a shake of my head, I force the path of my thoughts to stop. Reece isn’t putting this path in front of me because I am inadequate; he’s doing it so I can find peace. When I look at it through a dominant lens, the one I use in most of my life, it makes far more sense. In many ways it is exactly how I would handle this situation. But when I let the buried parts stretch their legs and roam free, I find my emotions tenuous.
The crushing issues seep in and I feel alone.
I take a long sip of tea.
What will it be like to hand over the mantle of dominance? Is it even possible? Dominick formed me until my perspective was shaped to see the world in terms of power and control. A place where you either give or receive. The clear definition is more necessary in a business. What will it be like to force a change? Will he lead in a way which helps lift my world or will he find the task too onerous, leaving me under the crushing weight as it lands against my shoulders once more?
"I'm too old for this nonsense." My voice echoes off the kitchen walls.
“You are far from old.” Reece’s voice answers my statement. His tall frame steps out of the shadows. My eyes roam his bare chest, causing my breath to catch.
“Atlas.” He walks to me, brushing a light kiss across my forehead. “You are up early.”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
“What’s wrong?” Concern laces his tone.
"Nothing. Things are fin... " The words die on my lips. My eyes drop and I gaze into the mug.
From the edge of my view, I see his eyebrows lift slightly. "Would you like to try that again?"
I exhale but don’t immediately speak.
Beside me, his body tenses, but he doesn’t move.
"I did not sleep. Thoughts ran through my head in dark intervals. I’m being hunted by a madman who was my client. We spent hours in private sessions together. Now there’s a bloody knife with a note threatening to destroy me on the front door of my club. I haven’t seen home in months and I wonder how it came to this point."
"A much better start. The situation with your former client is in the hands of the authorities. There is nothing you can do about it."
The air sits heavy with unspoken words.
"And? Is that all that kept you from slumber?" His firm touch rubs circles across my tense shoulder.
“I'm concerned about our conversation yesterday.” My eyes do not lift.
“Why?”
“It threatens my view. I’m a Dominant. It is my job to wield power and control situations for the betterment of those around me. You… you touch a different piece.”
“Do you think a submissive is weaker or less than a dominant?” he challenges. “Are those who kneel before you not your equal?”
A smile plays on the edge of his lips. I know he’s playing with me, but I rise to the challenge anyway.
“You can’t have a power exchange of unequals.” My head jerks up and I stare at him.
“Of course you can’t, but you can have a relationship which is misinterpreted as such. A person without personal power can’t give away what they do not own. They may cower in fear, tremble under the abusive weight of a bully or succumb to abuse; however, that is not a power exchange and you know it.”
I nod.
“Now. Tell me again why a Dominant cannot take solace as a submissive to an equal?”
“It proves they are incapable of being a Dominant.” My fear pours out without hesitation. “They bow because they can’t control their own world. It is…”
I don’t finish the sentence because even I don’t believe it is true.
"You are far harder of a judge on yourself than need be. A human trait but one which is less desirable for us moving forward."
“I know my own faults and weakness,” I acknowledge.
“No, you dwell on them. Submission is many things. Full of what all the parties bring to the dance. There is no right or wrong way to do any of this. You know this. You teach it.”
“Yes. I’m so overwhelmed I no longer know where to grab to find stability.”
“This is why you desire to submit. A place to lay down the world and let someone who is capable and willing lift it while you rest.”
"I've never thought of it that way before," I acknowledge.
His hands continue to caress my back. The muscles in my shoulder loosen, and I mull over his words.
"Look at all the things we would miss if you simply replied with ‘fine’ to my earlier question," he whispers against my ear. “Now go get your bathing suit on, it’s time for laps in the pool. You’re thinking too much and it’s too early to put across my lap to make it stop. So I’ll put you in my lap pool instead.”
I pull from his grasp and spin around.
His easy smile catches me off-guard.
I nod.
His words ignite something in me I've not felt in far too long.