Dark River Farm, Devon.
‘So then,’ Lizzy fixed me with a direct stare. ‘Why is he here?’
We were sitting at the kitchen table where we were alone for the first time. Mrs Adams, a tall woman with a strong, handsome face and tired eyes, had greeted us warmly despite the unexpected extra two guests, and waved away any suggestion that I find alternative accommodation.
‘You and Kitty can share Lizzy’s bed, and Lizzy can bunk in with the girls,’ she said. ‘Captain Buchanan can have the back room, where Mr Adams keeps all his wet-weather clothes. There’s a camp bed in there.’
Putting our bags up in the room we were to share overnight, Kitty had seemed to unbend towards me and I attributed it to the combination of Archie’s presence, and the infectious excitement of being around three girls of similar age, all of whom treated her like a celebrity, and bombarded her with questions. Whatever the cause, it was a relief, and I was reluctant to spoil it by bringing the subject up, so I simply accepted it with gratitude. After dinner Archie had whisked her out for a stroll, and Mrs Adams and the other three land army girls had gone back to work, giving Lizzy and me a rare chance to talk.
‘It’s terribly sad, really,’ I said. ‘One of his boys, a lad of nineteen, tried to get back to England without leave. He was caught stowing away on a hospital ship.’
‘Oh no…’
‘His brother had written to tell him their mother was ill and calling out for him. Poor boy was distraught, but otherwise healthy. His court-martial is the day after tomorrow, in London, and he has asked for Archie to vouch for him.’
‘So he’s not on leave?’
‘No, it’s army business.’
‘I hope he can make a difference,’ Lizzy said, but she looked sombre; she knew as well as I that it depended largely on the day, and on the mood of the presiding officer. Uncle Jack had been insistent on Will’s medical evidence being heard, but I knew that all too often it was never even presented, let alone considered. And, of course, this boy had no such evidence in any case.
‘I know he’ll do his best,’ I said. ‘He looks on them all like little brothers.’
‘I’m sure he does. He seems lovely. Very handsome.’ Lizzy spoke with the casual appreciation of a woman who has found her man and would never look at anyone else. ‘Are he and Kitty walking out together, do you think?’
‘No,’ I said. ‘I know she’d like them to be though.’
‘Ah, and he has eyes for another.’ I looked up to see her eyes fixed on mine, altogether too knowingly. ‘I can see how he looks at you,’ she said, echoing Will, ‘it’s the same way Kitty looks at him.’
I began to pick up the plates in readiness for washing. ‘I don’t want to talk about Archie.’
‘Do you want to talk about Will?’ I didn’t know the answer to that, so she went on gently, ‘How is he?’
‘He’s well. Healthy in body, at least.’
She nodded. ‘I’m glad. But in his mind?’
I put the plates down beside the sink and folded my arms to try and stop the trembling. ‘He went back too soon. It’s strange, Lizzy; he’s so distant, but I can see the man I married, deep down, flashes of him, at least.’ I couldn’t bring myself to tell even her that he wanted me to cut him out of my life, and I still refused to believe he wanted me out of his. ‘I’ve spoken to a friend of his,’ I told her instead, ‘and it’s as if he’s describing a completely different person. An angry stranger.’
‘Sweetheart, he’ll come back,’ Lizzy said gently. ‘He’s been through so much, it’s bound to have changed him, but you know he loves you as much as he ever did.’
I had to change the subject before I broke down entirely. ‘Have you heard from Uncle Jack?’ I could feel the absence of him in every word she spoke, as if part of her had gone to Germany with him.
‘A note routed through London last week, just saying: “Mr Bird is with his father, and they are in conversation.” Nothing more. I don’t think I can expect anything else, and since we’re not married I probably wouldn’t hear if anything terrible happened.’ She visibly shook the dark thought away, and stood up. ‘Tell me about Kitty.’
‘She is doing well enough,’ I said, helping her clear the rest of the table. ‘She had a terrible crossing though, was awfully sick.’
‘Perhaps the captain will take her mind off it.’
‘I do hope so,’ I said, ‘she deserves some light in her life.’ Then I glanced around to ensure we were alone. ‘I have something to tell you and I don’t want anyone to hear.’
She frowned. ‘That sounds mysterious.’
I told her what had happened to Kitty, and horror stole across her face, quickly followed by fury. ‘I think I know who it was.’
‘Who?’
‘There’s a driver with a wandering eye who stopped in at Number Twelve, but Kitty won’t name him.’
‘Well of course not, she won’t want to antagonise him in case it comes to nothing. And in any case, now it’s over she won’t want to bring all that nastiness back out, what would be the use?’
‘But he’s just going to get away with it. And maybe even do it again, to someone else.’
‘Then you’ll have to warn the other girls to be on their guard, but you can’t name him without Kitty’s word, and you can’t make her come forward on her own behalf. As long as she’s all right there’s no real need for anyone to know, not until she’s ready to tell them herself. It’s her future, her reputation you have to think about now. It’s not your place to throw a light on it.’
‘Well I’ve promised to say nothing, and she seems so much happier now, so you’re absolutely sworn to secrecy.’
‘Naturally. Let’s hope Archie can keep that spring in her step.’
We both looked up as the door opened and the pair in question walked in. Kitty certainly did seem back to her old self, the sea-sickness just a memory.
‘It’s freezing out there,’ she laughed, clapping her gloved hands together. ‘But so gorgeous and fresh.’
‘Apart from the smell,’ Archie pointed out.
Lizzy grinned. ‘Before I came back I’d forgotten what it was like too, living away from Devon for so long, but when you get a good, ripe, farm smell wafting up your nostrils again it all comes back!’
Mrs Adams came in, followed by the girls. ‘Chill’s in for the night,’ she said. ‘Would anyone care for a little nip of something to keep out the cold?’ We all accepted with pleasure, and Mrs Adams poured glasses of what I assumed was her best whisky.
She handed one to me. ‘Here you are, Mrs Davies.’
‘Please, call me Evie,’ I said, embarrassed.
She nodded and raised her own glass in salute to us all. ‘Well I’m glad to have you and Kitty here under my roof, Evie. What you do out there for our boys, well, it don’t bear thinkin’ about.’
It was a long time since I’d drunk whisky; while wine was still relatively plentiful in town, spirits were not, and the fumes took my breath away. I looked across at Lizzy, who’d taken her first sip with a faraway look in her eyes and a sweet smile of remembrance on her lips. I knew Uncle Jack enjoyed a dram now and again and guessed he was on her mind now. She looked up and met my eyes, and we both tilted our glasses in a silent, secret toast to our absent men.
Much later I finished my drink, and also Kitty’s, which she’d tasted and hadn’t enjoyed. Lizzy had hugged me and gone to bed ready for an early start in the morning, and eventually the other three girls had gone too, with lingering glances at the tall Scottish captain, who’d blown into their lives like every girl’s hero, and would all too soon be leaving again.
Then it was just Kitty, Archie and me. I was feeling the effects of the whisky, and tiredness was creeping through me rapidly, but I had another reason for standing up and announcing I was going to bed: I glanced at Kitty, who was sitting on the edge of her seat, nervously plaiting the fringe on the antimacassar draped over the arm, and just hoped Archie would see they were perfect for one another.
But Kitty came to bed less than ten minutes later, and slipped under the eiderdown with a murmured ‘goodnight’. My own tiredness had vanished, quite predictably, the moment I had got into bed, and I lay awake with my thoughts flitting from Will, to my father, to Uncle Jack and then back to Will again, trying not to dwell on the image of him as he might be at this very moment, but to remember him as he had once been. After an hour or more of trying not to toss and turn and wake my sleeping companion, I decided a snack might be just the thing to quiet my racing mind, so I crept downstairs and into the kitchen, pulling my borrowed dressing gown tightly around myself as the chilly air bit through the layers. Reluctant to turn on a light, I tried to remember where the pantry lay, and started in that direction.
‘Who’s that?’
My heart instantly went up several gears before I recognised the voice. ‘Archie? It’s me. What on earth are you doing still up?’
‘Evie!’ He pushed back his seat and lit a match, touching it to the wick of a paraffin lamp that sat on the table. The glow threw strange shadows across his face, but his expression was tender as he looked at me. ‘Midnight feast?’
‘How did you guess?’
He chuckled. ‘Och, well, you seem like a midnight feast kind of a girl to me.’
I could see his whisky glass in front of him but he had barely touched it. I wished I hadn’t added Kitty’s to mine; my head still felt uncomfortably fuzzy as I picked an apple out of the bowl. ‘Couldn’t you sleep?’
‘Not with you so close,’ he said. The baldness of the statement almost made me drop the fruit, but I found my eyes drawn to his, reluctantly, but inexorably. I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing.
Archie spoke softly. ‘He doesn’t know what he’s got.’
‘You’re wrong.’ I tried to make my voice firm, but heard the tremble. ‘He’s…he’s not well.’
‘I love you,’ Archie said. ‘I’d like to say sorry, but I’m not going to apologise for the way I feel. I love you.’ He stood up and came over, plucking the apple from my suddenly numb fingers, and putting his own finger beneath my chin to raise my face.
‘No, you don’t,’ I said shortly. ‘You don’t even know me.’ I couldn’t think straight. His grey eyes burned into mine, and before I could come to my senses he had lowered his mouth, pausing just before our lips touched.
‘You deserve to be adored, Evie.’
My body was responding in a way I knew to be utterly wrong, but I couldn’t help it. ‘I love him, not you,’ I whispered, even as I felt my eyes growing too heavy and became aware of the tingle of anticipation on my lips.
‘I know,’ he said, his mouth still brushing lightly against mine. ‘I know, and I can live with that. Just tell me you don’t want to kiss me right this minute, and I’ll stop.’
I surrendered to him then, to his warmth and strength, to the love that poured out of him and into me through the touching of our lips and the mingling of our breath. As the kiss deepened I felt my own self-loathing grow. But this good, gentle man loved me, and Will had cast me away…didn’t I deserve some happiness?
Clarity flared suddenly, and I broke away from him. ‘This isn’t happiness,’ I said, forgetting he couldn’t hear my thoughts.
‘What? Evie –’
‘No, I’m sorry.’
‘Listen,’ he said urgently, clasping my arms, ‘it won’t be like betraying Will. I understand your loyalty –’
I pulled away. ‘It’s not about loyalty! I love him, and it doesn’t matter if he wants me to or not, it’s not a choice I’ve made. It’s a fact. He’s in there for good,’ I thumped my chest, ‘and if I push him out there will be nothing left!’
I had forgotten there were other people in the house, and footsteps on the stairs shook me into a silence broken only by my harsh breathing, panicked at how close I had come to betraying my own heart, let alone Will. The door opened and Lizzy looked from Archie to me and back again, and, as always, grasped the situation immediately. I pushed past Archie, but he caught my hand, ignoring Lizzy although she took a step closer.
I felt the frustrated anger leach out of me, and turned back to face him. ‘I don’t want to lose your friendship, Archie. I care for you deeply, you know that. But you understand, don’t you?’
He looked at me steadily, and in the silence of the kitchen only the clock could be heard, turning the seconds into minutes, the minutes into hours, the hours into the years spreading before us…years we might spend wondering if this had been our one chance.
‘You won’t lose me,’ he said at length. ‘Never. I can’t pretend my feelings are any different though, so don’t ask that of me, aye?’ He kissed my hand. ‘I’ll take caring, if that’s all you can give me. Now, to bed with you before you catch a cold.’
Lizzy and I turned to go, but at the door I looked back to see Archie staring out of the window at the blackness beyond, and wondered what he was seeing. Then Lizzy slipped her hand through my arm and we went back upstairs in silence. We stopped outside the door of her room and she seemed about to say something, but thought better of it. Instead she hugged me and went to bed, leaving me to creep beneath the covers next to Kitty. It was a long time before I slept, but when I did I dreamed of Will, and woke to find my face tight, and streaked with dry, salty tracks that ran into my hair.
Kitty was already up and dressed by seven, despite the fact that it was still dark outside. Today Archie would take us to Guildford, where we would pick up the train to Kent to pick up the newly donated ambulances, and then he would leave us and drive to London to the court-martial. I had no idea if he’d gone to bed after I’d left him in the kitchen, but a glance out of the window showed me he was already outside, leaning on the fence that separated the yard from the hen-houses, no doubt thinking ahead to how he could best help his man.
I went downstairs to find Lizzy in the kitchen with Kitty. The two of them were chatting quite happily, and Lizzy, who was peeling potatoes at the table, looked up as I came in.
‘Good morning, sleepy-head. I hope you’re well rested.’ She put down her knife and went to pour me some tea from the pot. ‘Kitty here was just telling me about all the shenanigans you get up to over there.’ Her voice remained light, and she smiled, but there was worry there too.
I shot Kitty a look. ‘Don’t go filling Lizzy’s head with nonsense, she has enough to worry about.’ I sat down and took up a spare knife to help. ‘Don’t worry,’ I said to Lizzy, ‘we’re not allowed right up to the lines.’ As Kitty started to speak, I kicked her sharply on the ankle and she stopped. ‘We might not be part of the official ambulance corps, but we’re very well taken care of,’ I went on, quite firmly, ‘and hardly ever get anywhere near the shelling.’
Lizzy put my tea down in front of me and resumed her peeling. ‘Then how do you get the boys out?’
‘We generally go to the dressing stations, and pick up the ones the stretcher-bearers have already brought out. From there it’s just a short drive to whichever clearing station is taking in, let the orderlies unload, and we’re ready to go back for more. Just like a relay. No cause for worry, I promise. The most difficult thing is trying to remember where the hospitals are in the dark.’
‘It’s terribly exciting though,’ Kitty put in, ‘and sometimes we even go out before the shelling stops.’
‘Kitty!’
‘Leave her alone, Evie, I want to know the truth,’ Lizzy said. ‘You were cross enough about what happened to me last year, I think it’s only fair you should tell me what you’re going through out there.’
‘There are lots of us,’ I said, ‘and some are even closer to the lines than we are. Like Elsie Knocker and little Mairi. Jolly brave, both of them.’
‘What are they like?’ Lizzy said eagerly, putting her potato down and momentarily forgetting her concerns. ‘They’re always in the papers, and they raise so much money for the cause. I expect they’re exciting to be with.’
‘Well they do seem to be in the thick of things a lot,’ Kitty said. ‘Mrs Knocker can be a bit of a tartar, although I do like Mairi …’ She stopped talking and swallowed hard, and I frowned as I looked at her properly. She was looking quite pale now.
‘Are you all right, Skittles?’
‘Yes, I just…actually I feel a bit sick. Do excuse me.’ A moment later she had run from the kitchen, leaving Lizzy and I looking at one another, and the same thought snapped between us.
Lizzy spoke first, her words falling into the silence like pebbles in a puddle. ‘You don’t suppose … oh, surely not.’
I felt ill myself. ‘It can’t still be sea-sickness, surely. Can it?’
‘Perhaps it was the whisky?’
I shook my head. ‘She didn’t drink hers. Maybe she ate something that disagreed with her?’ But neither of us believed that. Kitty had led me to believe she had avoided the worst kind of attack, but I hadn’t asked her outright. How absolutely, criminally stupid I’d been.
Lizzy sat down. ‘What on earth will she do, if she is?’ I just looked at her helplessly, questions and answers forming and floating away, as the implications kept making themselves apparent. ‘I suppose you have to tell someone now,’ she said.
‘Yes, but who?’
‘Didn’t you say her brother is stationed nearby?’
‘Yes, Dixmude. It’s not far.’
‘I know I said it was her decision to tell anyone, but this is different, you’ll have to tell him.’
‘I can’t!’ I said. ‘Not without her permission at least, and she’s not going to give me that.’
‘Does she even suspect? She seemed quite happy this morning, but she wouldn’t be, surely, if that were hanging over here?’
It was getting worse, I hadn’t even considered that Kitty herself might not have realised. ‘Oh, Lizzy,’ I groaned. ‘What am I going to do?’
I sat with my head in my hands, wrestling with the question, but Lizzy's quick mind was already hard at work. ‘She can’t go back, not if we’re correct in our suspicions. Are we agreed?’
I nodded. ‘It’s far too dangerous.’
‘What about her parents?’
‘I have the distinct feeling if I so much as mentioned them she would burst into flames,’ I said, my voice glum, and a smiled flickered on Lizzy’s face.
‘Then she must stay here. Or rather, not here, but with Ma. She can have my old bed, and live there until everything is resolved. Perhaps you could give Ma something to help pay for her keep? I’d like to help, but –’
‘Of course I will!’ I gave a sigh of deep gratitude. ‘Don’t worry, your mother won’t be out of pocket by a penny. But what on earth will she think?’
‘She’ll be delighted, and so will Emily – I think she’s been lonely since the twins have decided she’s simply not worth bothering with any more. You know, being a sister and all.’
I took a deep breath. ‘I can’t tell Oliver myself, it’s better if it comes from a friend.’
‘Right. You go and find Archie, I’ll make sure Kitty is all right.’
‘Do you think it’s possible it might simply be left-over sea-sickness?’ But the hope died as soon as the words were out of my mouth.
‘No,’ Lizzy said gently, ‘and neither do you.’
I crossed the yard accompanied by one of the farm dogs, who’d just been set free from having his paw bandaged by Jane and was eager to adopt a less bossy companion. I absently scratched his ears and looked around for Archie, and found him checking the car.
‘That rough track didn’t cause too much damage, I hope?’
‘The track would have been fine,’ he said, looking up with a grin, as if last night’s encounter had happened to two different people, ‘it’s the driver who could do with taking a wee bit more care.’
‘You didn’t have to let me drive the last part of the way,’ I pointed out, relieved to have this familiar banter to delay the inevitable. ‘I’m used to urgency, remember?’
‘Aye, and this car might look very pretty, but the ambulances are far more suited to that kind of driving. I think she’sOK,’ he said, giving the nearest tyre an experimental kick. ‘Take her easy on the way back up.’
‘No fear, you can drive this time, it’s nice to have a break.’ I looked back at the house, wondering how Lizzy was getting along with Kitty. ‘Can I talk to you?’
‘Always,’ he said, and I could see a flicker of something in his eyes that I knew I must quash.
‘I haven’t changed my mind, you do know that?’
‘I do,’ he said, and smiled. ‘But after that kiss you can’t blame a bloke for hoping.’
I resisted the instinct to touch his arm. ‘You’re a dear friend, Archie.’
‘Aye, well it’s easy to be a good friend to someone like you, Miss Evangelastica,’ he said, and I found a smile for the humour I was about to wipe out. He wiped his hands on a rag and tucked it back into his belt. ‘What was it you wanted to talk about?’
‘Not out here,’ I said. ‘Come into the barn a moment.’
We faced each other in the gloom, and I was glad couldn’t see his face properly. I bent to pet the dog again, just to give me time to think of how to start, but eventually I just blurted it out.
‘Kitty was attacked.’
‘God!’ From the corner of my eye I saw his whole body jerk in shock. ‘Who? And when?’’
‘The night I went to see Will. She was driving alone, and there was a man in the road. A soldier. She thought he needed help.’ I battled with the words, and whether or not I had the right to say them. ‘I think she’s pregnant.’ I said it very slowly, and now my eyes had adjusted to the lack of light I looked at him directly.
He went pale and swallowed hard. ‘Oh, sweet Jesus.’ His voice was taut with a mixture of anger and sorrow. ‘Poor little Kittlington.’ Then he turned on me. ‘Why are you only just telling me this now?’
‘She made me promise not to. I owed her that much since it’s all my fault, leaving her like that. I swore I wouldn’t say anything, but now I have to.’
‘You haven’t said who.’
‘I can’t, not yet. Not even to you. It has to come from her, but I have a suspicion.’
‘And she’s told you this? That’s she’s pregnant?’
‘She doesn’t know herself, I don’t think,’ I said, ‘And I don’t know for sure either, but Lizzy and I have been talking about it, and we think perhaps that’s why she was sick on the boat. She’s never suffered from sea-sickness before.’
He looked wretched. ‘Aye, you’re right, she hasn’t. And that would make some kind of sense.’
‘She was ill again this morning.’ Now I did touch his arm, and it was like iron beneath his jacket-sleeve. ‘Archie, I know you’ve got that poor boy to think about, but I just didn’t know who to turn to, or what to do.’
‘You did the right thing,’ he said, but I could tell he was still struggling with the enormity of the news. ‘But you mustn’t tell Oliver, whatever you do.’
‘Actually I was hoping you would tell him.’
‘God no, Evie, we mustn’t! Especially since you don’t know for certain. He’s a wee hot-head at times, and he’s enough on his plate just now, don’t you think?’
I reluctantly decided he was right; Oliver wasn’t the seasoned soldier Archie was, he was still coming to terms with his position in his company and, after all, we were only surmising and might be wrong. Part of me still fervently wished I hadn’t said anything, but a bigger part was swamped in relief that I had done so. ‘I knew I could trust you,’ I said. ‘You’re very like your uncle, do you know that?’
‘Aye, so my mother says. There are worse people to take after, so I gather. I don’t know him that well myself.’
‘He’s an absolute diamond.’ Then I remembered how much trouble those particular stones could cause, and gave a rueful smile. ‘Or rather, a big lump of solid gold.’
‘Then I’ll accept the compliment.’ He blew out a breath, lifting the hair from his forehead. He had clearly been badly knocked by the news, but of course he had known Kitty since they’d been children; she was like a sister to him.
He held out his arms. ‘I’m sorry for snapping at you, sweetheart. How about a hug? No strings, I know how the land lies. But you look as if you could do with one.’
His understanding almost undid all my composure, and while I moved into his innocent embrace all I could think about was how badly I wished it was Will’s familiar arms that held me, and his voice I could hear. I was aware of a shadow flickering by the door but paid it no heed. If I had, perhaps I could have avoided the nasty atmosphere that dogged my departure from Dark River Farm.