I got out my key but somehow couldn’t bring myself to use it unless Mum wasn’t in. I felt like a stranger in my own home. I knocked instead. I wanted to see her face when she saw me. After a few minutes I knocked again, my spirits sinking. All this way, and she was out.
But just as I was about to give up, the door was opened by Mum’s old boyfriend, Alex, who she said she’d finished with.
The one who tried to get fresh with me when she wasn’t looking.
He was tucking his shirt into his trousers and had no shoes and socks on.
I looked up the stairs and Mum was coming down, hair a mess, calling, ‘Who is it?’
Pushing past Alex without a word, I stepped forward. ‘It’s me, Mum.’
She flew down the stairs and gave me the biggest hug I’d ever had in my life. ‘Lily, Lily, I can’t believe it’s you.’ She pushed me to arm’s length. ‘You look tired. Why didn’t you tell us you were coming? I’d have put out banners and made your favourite tea.’
We walked into the kitchen, followed by Alex, who leaned against the sink as if he owned the place. I ignored him.
‘I couldn’t let you know, I didn’t know myself until this morning.’
‘Aren’t you going to make some tea for your daughter?’ Alex asked, with a smirk.
‘Why don’t you do it,’ I replied.
‘Woman’s work,’ he said running his hand through his Brylcreemed hair, ‘anyway, your mum likes looking after me, don’t you, love?’ He patted her bottom. ‘Looks after me upstairs and down, if you know what I mean.’ He bent over and massaged her shoulder for a minute. My heart pounded as I fought to control my anger.
Mum got up and put the kettle on the ring, then got out the teapot and cups and saucers. ‘Wherever have you been, Lily? We haven’t heard a peep from you. I’ve been so worried.’
‘I’d love to tell you, Mum, but you know we can’t say anything about our work. But I’ve had a lot of fun and met people I’d never have met if I hadn’t joined the ATS.’
Alex grunted, ‘Leaving your old mum behind, are you? Think you’re better than us?’
I glared at him. ‘I didn’t say that at all, stop twisting my words.’
Mum poured the water into the pot, placed the knitted cosy on it and put it with the cups, saucers and little jug of milk on the table. ‘I’m sorry not to have any biscuits to offer you, love. It’s the rationing.’
‘You got your ration book, Lil?’ Alex asked. ‘Can’t expect your mum to feed you without.’
I ignored him. ‘I’m only here for one night, Mum. I’ve got a new posting in London and I start the day after next.’
Her face fell. ‘Oh no, and after all this time, I want to spend more time with you.’
‘Perhaps Alex can leave so we can spend some time alone.’
Mum went pink and didn’t say anything, avoiding my eye.
Alex put his hand firmly on her arm. ‘Your mum loves having me here. We’re a family, us three. We can spend your leave together like.’
He was never going to be my family, but I bit my lip, not wanting to cause a fight when my time home was so precious. Just then we heard the first patter of rain. ‘Oh dear,’ Mum said, ‘I’ll just go and get the washing in. You two sit and chat. No point in us all getting wet.’
No sooner had she left the kitchen than Alex turned to me. ‘I knew you’d come back, can’t resist me, can you? Been up to naughty things while you’ve been away, have you? I bet you’ve learned a thing or two.’
I stood up and pushed the chair behind me. ‘Shut up, you…’
‘I know how to please women. Your mum likes to sit with her legs open across my lap so I can diddle with her. I bet you’d like that too.’
I stepped forward and slapped him hard across the face.
Then I picked up his teacup and threw the remains at him.
He stood still for a minute wiping his jumper with a tea cloth, then grinned. ‘I do like a woman with a bit of spirit. Your mum’s a bit too, you know, passive sometimes. A good fight gets the blood going to all the right places. You and me’d be good together.’
I pushed past him and went to the garden. Mum had to know what he was like. I’d kept quiet about it last time he tried it on with me, but this was just too much.
But he followed me out and I knew he’d deny anything I said.
‘I’ve got to go, Mum,’ I said, ‘I’ve just remembered somewhere I need to be.’
She dropped the blouse she was unpinning. ‘But you’ve only just got here, love, you said you could stay until tomorrow.’
Alex brushed his jumper some more. ‘Let her go, sweetheart. She’s in the ATS now, ain’t you, love? A very important person.’
Mum took my hands. ‘But, Lily, don’t go, what’s happened? I’ve been looking forward so much to seeing you. Please don’t go. Did you two have a row or something?’
I couldn’t bring myself to tell a lie, so I said nothing. I took her hand. ‘Why don’t you walk with me to the station, Mum, just you and me.’
Alex’s headed lifted. ‘Can’t let my two girls go all that way unescorted, can I? I’ll come with you, one on each arm.’
I turned to look at him. ‘No!’ I said, venom making my voice harsh. ‘You will not walk with us. I will walk with my mother, just my mother. Got it?’
He looked from me to her and back at me, then shrugged his shoulders. ‘Your loss, Miss Hoity-toity,’ he said, heading back into the kitchen.
Mum unpegged the last few bits. ‘What is it, love? You were a bit rude then. Not like you at all. What’s got into you?’
My shoulders sagged at the thought of telling her. ‘I’ll explain as we walk, Mum, come on, get your umbrella.’
* * *
‘It’s true, Mum, that’s what he said, I swear.’
My face scarlet, I’d just recounted the conversation with Alex, and Mum had stopped dead in the street like she was turned to salt. I could hardly bring myself to repeat the intimate things he’d said about them, but forced myself because I hoped it would convince her I was telling the truth.
She stopped and turned towards me. ‘I don’t believe you. He’d never say such a thing,’ she said, a quiver in her voice, ‘he wouldn’t.’
I took her hand. ‘Why would I lie, Mum?’
She snatched it away. ‘Perhaps you don’t want me to be happy. Or you want me all to yourself. I don’t know.’
I could hardly breathe, I was so upset. ‘Mum, I promise you it’s true and I want nothing more than for you to be happy.’
‘How can I believe that when you haven’t even bothered to get in touch with me for so long.’ She was breathing fast and hard.
‘I wrote three times. Didn’t you get the letters?’
‘I got one. One. That’s all I’m worth. You must have had some leave. Why didn’t you come home? Life more exciting somewhere else?’
‘I couldn’t, I was in…’
‘Where? Where were you?’
I bit my tongue. ‘I can’t say. I wish I could, but it was somewhere where I couldn’t get home for leave. But I can tell you it wasn’t in this country.’
She stamped her foot. ‘I don’t recognise you any more. You’re not the Lily who left here to join up. If this is what the ATS does to everyone, heaven help us.’
And with that, she turned on her heel and marched back towards the house.
My heart sank as I stood and watched her walk away. What had that Alex done to her to make her believe that I’d say something like that to make her unhappy? It was like she’d been brainwashed or something.
Rain splashed on my umbrella as I stood for several minutes trying to calm down and get my thoughts in some sort of order.
Should I go after her, would that help? But Alex would still be there, poisoning her mind. It might even make things worse, and anyway, I’d be sure to lose my temper with him. He’d tell her that it was a sign I wasn’t right in the head or something.
Perhaps a letter would be better, but what if he saw it? I wasn’t even clear if he’d moved in with her or not.
Unable to make up my mind, I went back to the house and tried to hug Mum but she turned away from me.
‘I hope we can soon be friends again,’ I said, then I picked up my rucksack and left. Sadness weighing my steps, I walked towards the home of my future in-laws, Edward’s parents, Mr and Mrs Halpern.
His mother, I couldn’t think of her as a mum, had never liked me. I’m from the corporation estate and they live in the expensive private road nearby. But the two worlds were like different planets. She’d got a dutiful wife all lined up for Edward when I met him. Not that he wanted to marry the girl, or even knew his mum’s intentions at the time, but she blamed me for ruining her plans of a big society wedding and a nicely spoken daughter-in-law who would be a carbon copy of herself.
I’d never be that, life had taught me I had to have a mind of my own.
Their front door was painted bottle green, freshly washed, the knocker and letterbox sparkling. I drew a deep breath and knocked firmly, telling myself to stand up straight and not be intimidated by her posh voice and the way she looked down her nose at me.
She blinked several times when she saw me. ‘Goodness, it’s Lily, where ever did you spring from?’ She made no attempt to invite me in.
‘I’ve got forty-eight hours leave before my next posting. In London. I wondered if you had any news from Edward.’
She raised an eyebrow. ‘I doubt we’ve heard any more than you.’ She sighed and stood aside. ‘You’d better come in, I suppose.’ She called back over her shoulder, ‘Darling, it’s Miss Baker.’
‘Who?’ I heard him call from the living room.
‘You know, Lily. Edward’s girlfriend.’
We were still standing in the hall. He came through and smiled broadly. He had aged more than he should have in the months since I’d seen him and his hair, previously pepper and salt, was now completely white. My heart went out to him for his worry. We both feared the worst about Edward. He reached out for my hands. ‘Lily, my dear, it’s so lovely to see you. Whatever are you both doing in the hall like this? Come through.’ He turned to his wife. ‘Darling, can you make us some tea?’
The thought of having to make small talk with Mrs Halpern was too much after the scene with Mum. ‘No, no, I can’t stop, I’ve got to get back to London this evening. I just wondered if there was any news of Edward. I haven’t heard anything.’
The corners of his mouth turned down. ‘Neither have we, I’m afraid, and it’s so terribly worrying. We pray for him every night. As far as we know he’s still missing. But no news is good news they say.’
I took my leave as politely as I could and headed back to the station, my steps dragging all the way. No news of Edward and my mother not speaking to me. This wasn’t the homecoming I’d been looking forward to. Bronwyn and I both had dream scenarios of what it would be like when we escaped the Nazis. A lot of the time we didn’t really believe we ever would, but the dreams gave us energy to go on and took our minds off the possibility of capture and worse.
The journey back to London was endless. The train was an hour late and four times it stopped for no apparent reason. I had to stand all the way, squashed between sweaty smokers. When I stepped onto the platform, even the smoky station air seemed fresh by comparison.
Wishing I knew where Bronwyn was spending the night, I headed for a small hostel I’d heard was safe for women. I got a bus there, so weary I could hardly put one foot in front of the other. I was shocked to see some bomb damage on the way in one area we passed. I’d heard about the bombing when we were in Paris, but seeing it was still a dreadful sight. People had erected Anderson shelters and all sorts of preparations had been made, but nothing much had happened yet. It was like the war was far away.
‘What happened there?’ I asked the woman sitting next to me, indicating the bomb site.
‘It’s like this,’ she said, ‘we have had the odd bomb. Nothing much like, but a few people have died and more have been made homeless. Let’s hope we never get any more. Makes me shudder to think about it, it does.’
Although the bombing wasn’t severe, everything looked drab like someone had washed the colour out of the city. Windows were either taped up or boarded over. White lines were painted on lamp-posts, trees and roadsides so people could see where they were going in the blackout. Everyone scurried along, their gas masks bouncing on their sides, wanting to get home before the air raid sirens started.
The hostel was a tall, narrow building, three storeys high and windows either side of the front door. I walked in and there was no one to report to in the reception area. It was painted a drab cream colour with some faded prints on the wall and a well-worn carpet. I called ‘hello’ a few times, but no one answered, so I went further in and found the kitchen. Four girls were sitting round the table, drinking tea and talking about the dance they planned to go to that night.
‘Excuse me,’ I said, ‘how can I get a room for two nights?’
One of them jumped up. She was tall and very thin and wore bright red lipstick and a Rita Hayworth hairstyle. ‘Oh dear, I’m sorry, I’m supposed to be covering the office. Come with me.’
Ten minutes later, I had a room. It was small. Just wide enough for a narrow single bed, a chair by the bed and three hooks to hang clothes on. Like the reception area, it was drab cream and the only splash of colour was the faded red curtains. I collapsed on the bed in a heap and burst into tears. The tension of the journey from Paris and the awful row with Mum as well as getting the cold shoulder from Edward’s mother overwhelmed me. I cried for fifteen minutes non-stop, every time I thought I’d stop, another memory would force its way into my head and I’d start again.
Finally, I went into the bathroom, washed my face and then went to the kitchen. I was glad to find it empty. I made some tea and toast and sat in silence until I’d finished them. Then I went to bed and slept for ten straight hours.