It was one of those rare nights when I wasn’t doing ARP duties. It would have been good to have a quiet evening at home, but the air raid sirens put paid to that idea. I spent the evening trying to sleep in the Underground station along with hundreds of other people. It was so uncomfortable, smelly and noisy, I never slept for more than a few minutes at a time.
When I got home from the shelter, I was surprised to find Bronwyn there. I was relieved to see her safe and sound and gave her a spontaneous hug. Like all of us, she looked tired, dark rings round her eyes making her look older than usual.
‘I’m so glad to see you,’ I said. ‘Have you been in the shelter? I couldn’t see you.’
She hung up her leather coat, driving hat and goggles and fetched a glass of water. ‘I have, but not the Tube one. I was on my way back but I wasn’t near enough. Some people in the next street let me squeeze in their Anderson shelter with them. Tell you the truth, they are horrible things, all damp and smelly.’
She gestured towards Alun’s case. ‘You moving out?’ she asked with a grin.
I set the kettle on, then turned towards her. ‘That case, it’s your brother’s. Alun’s. Did you know he was coming?’
Her hand holding the glass of water stopped halfway to her mouth. ‘Alun’s? My brother? He’s here?’
I nodded. ‘He came a few nights ago, said you’d be thrilled to see him and he wanted to stay.’
She sat down on the kitchen chair like someone had kicked her legs from under her. ‘But the landlady won’t let us have anyone to stay.’
I pulled a face. ‘He sweet-talked her. Had her eating out of his hand. You should have seen her, he turned her into a silly schoolgirl. She said he could stay a few nights. Mind you, I haven’t seen him since. Goodness knows where he’s been.’
Her hand went to her chest. ‘Oh my goodness, what if he’s been bombed and is dead or in a hospital somewhere?’
‘I don’t think so, he comes when I’m at work. Leaves dirty dishes all over the place. Did you know he was coming?’
She snorted. ‘Did I hell! I’d have told him to stay away. I know he’s my brother and everything, but he’s a bad ’un. Always up to mischief of some sort or another.’
I poured the boiling water in the pot, looking forward to a cuppa in a china cup instead of a flask. ‘Well, then, if he comes back, shall we tell him to leave?’
She cleared her throat. ‘I don’t know, not being funny or nothing but it’s awkward. It’s not as if I love the blighter, but he is my brother. Can we give him a few days? Could you stand it?’
I was about to agree when I spotted a package on the windowsill. ‘What’s that then?’ I asked.
She shook her head. ‘Nothing to do with me. Go, on, open it.’
It was two pairs of stockings.
‘What the… Where did these come from?’ I asked thin air. She gave a bitter laugh. ‘That’ll be Alun. A peace offering. Goodness know where he’s got them from. Tell you what though, I’m asking no questions. Come on, hand over one pair.’
I took my pair out of the packet and ran them through my fingers. They felt smooth as polished wood. I ran them across my cheek. ‘These are bound to be black market,’ I said, ‘we shouldn’t keep them.’
She looked at me as if I’d gone crazy, ‘Oh come on, Miss Goody Two Shoes. Everyone has stuff on the black market. An egg here, a packet of ciggies there, it keeps us all sane. Just keep them and enjoy wearing them. Talking of that, any news of your Edward?’
I put the stockings back in the packet, resolving the keep them for a very special occasion. Drawing seams on the back of my leg with pencil would have to do till then. ‘No, no news of Edward. I suppose no news is good news, but with so many men missing who knows if he’s still alive or not.’
‘Have you got a gut feeling about it?’
‘No, not at all.’ I wanted to change the subject. The truth was I did have a feeling and it wasn’t good. Somehow I just knew he was dead. It was as if the very air I breathed changed one day. I could remember the day. It was several weeks earlier, a bright sunny day when you feel good to be alive. I was in the depot yard checking some things for the boss. But I was just walking along and it was like the sun went out and everything was darkness and gloom. My heart ached as surely as if someone had punched me in the chest and I found myself gasping for breath. One of the men in the yard saw me stumble and grabbed my arm before I fell over.
He looked closely at me. ‘You all right, miss? You look like you’ve just had bad news.’
I calmed my breathing and gradually found I could think a bit more clearly. ‘No, I’m okay, I just stumbled,’ I said, giving him a half-hearted smile. ‘Thank you for stopping me from falling over.’
The feeling that Edward was gone had never left me. But I knew I couldn’t necessarily trust it. Plenty of people had feelings about their loved ones that turned out to be wrong. So there was no way I was going to tell anyone, not even Bronwyn. Every evening I said a prayer for his safety, but somehow I couldn’t believe God was listening.
I turned my attention back to Bronwyn. ‘What’s happening with your love life? I’m really out of date with it.’
She stirred her tea and took a sip. It nearly burned her mouth. She poured some in the saucer and blew on it, then drank it straight from the saucer. ‘That’s lovely that is,’ she said. ‘Well, you probably think I’m out with my man every night I’m not here, but it’s nothing like that. Often I’m in another part of London or even further away when the sirens start and I have to shelter wherever I can. Often when the all-clear goes, it’s not worth coming back here. I’d only get a little bit of sleep before I have to leave again.’
‘What do you do then?’ I had pictures of her sleeping on park benches.
‘I go to the nearest shelter wherever I am. Or if I’m near the office, I go to the medical room. It’s got a couch for examinations, a bit hard and not very comfortable but beggars can’t be choosers and all that. I go in there and get a bit of shut-eye. No one seems to mind.’
‘But what about your bloke? Or it is blokes?’ I tried to keep the disapproval out of my voice.
She took another sip of her tea, avoiding my eye. ‘He’s on the way out, I think. Haven’t seen him much lately, and he hasn’t given me any presents for a while. I used to get them every time I saw him. Probably his wife’s got wind of what’s going on. Still, got my eye on someone else. Makes sense to have them lined up.’ She looked at the time and yawned. ‘I’m too tired to think straight. Let’s get to our beds.’
* * *
‘No planes so far, we might be lucky. Jerry’s probably bombing some other poor town,’ David said. I was secretly thrilled that my first night on duty as an ARP warden was with David, the ARP warden I was attracted to. He’d already done three nights’ duty, and I’d been paired with him so he could show me the ropes.
‘Don’t expect me to know everything about everything,’ he warned, ‘but I reckon we’ll muddle through between us.’
We spent an hour going round the streets in our patch making sure everyone was obeying the blackout.
A light showed through curtains in one house and we knocked on the door shouting, ‘Put that light out!’
‘Sod off, you bloody little Hitler!’ was all the thanks we got for trying to save their lives.
‘You’ll get used to that,’ David said. ‘They all think we’re puffed-up Hitlers till they need us, then they change their tune.’
To be honest, the changes from the gloom were almost a relief. It was a cool night with patchy cloud and so dark we could have been in the heart of the countryside, not in busy London. When the blackout was first introduced, I found my steps were hesitant as if I’d lost my sight. But gradually the blackness became charcoal, and I sensed darker shapes in the black and listened to changes in background noise that indicated I’d come to a crossroads or a gap in the houses. And of course the shielded torches were a blessing. So were the white bands painted on trees and lamp-posts.
If it wasn’t for the sounds we could hear, we’d have thought the whole town was empty. But we could hear radios playing in the houses, the occasional sing-song, an argument or two and the footsteps of other people making their unsteady way home.
Then we heard a loud curse and the sound of someone falling. ‘Where are you?’ I called. ‘Are you okay?’
A man’s voice swore again. ‘I’m okay, give me a minute to get up.’
We went over to him and the smell of booze was so strong it was unlikely he’d have noticed if a tram ran into him. ‘Shorry,’ he said, slurring his words, ‘s’my birthday, had a little celebration.’ He turned to me. ‘Come on, love, can’t see you properly but I bet you’re lovely. Give me a birthday kiss.’
‘Not on your Nelly,’ I said with a laugh, but gave him a little peck on the cheek. He turned to give me a hug, but I was quicker and managed to sidestep him. ‘Come on, let’s get you home,’ I said. He lived just a few doors along, so we escorted him to make sure he didn’t fall over again. The door opened and his wife stood there, hands on hips. ‘What time do you call this?’ she hissed. ‘We’ve all been waiting to have a knees-up with you, you stupid bugger.’ We turned and left them to it.
We hadn’t gone further than another hundred yards when David stopped and held my arm. ‘Listen!’ he said. Half a minute later I heard it. ‘That’s a German plane,’ he said.
I bit my lip. ‘Really? How can you tell? I can’t hear anything.’
‘Listen hard,’ he said, ‘the engines aren’t synchronised. British ones are. Must be lower than usual if we can hear it that well.’
‘But why don’t they synchronise them?’
‘Not sure. It makes it harder to tell where they are, that’s for sure. Or perhaps they just don’t think it’s worth the extra work. It’ll be so high you won’t be able to see it. First you’ll know if it drops a bomb near you is the whistling sound.’
I felt my insides go cold. ‘But that wouldn’t give us time to evacuate people.’
‘That’s right. Too late by then.’
We were near a phone box and I went in to phone the ARP station. ‘No,’ they assured me, ‘no raids due tonight. You’ve got first night nerves, sweetheart, happens to sprogs all the time. Relax and get on with your round.’
Despite their patronising words, I felt the strain in my shoulders relax and my forehead unknot. A quiet night for my first duty was exactly what I’d hoped for.
I stepped outside the box to tell David the news when to my horror I heard the familiar whistling sound. It was terrifyingly close.
‘Bloody hell!’ David shouted. ‘Run for cover!’
It was too late to run and we threw ourselves to the ground, faces scraping on the road. I wrinkled my nose as I smelled tar and urine.
Then there was a crash so loud I thought my eardrums would burst, and a strong wave of air blew over us. There was no explosion, and we looked around but saw no damage. There was a moment’s silence, and we stood up feeling silly for having dived to the ground. Suddenly there was pandemonium as people rushed out of their houses, light spilling from a dozen doorways. ‘What’s happening?’ ‘Is this a raid?’ ‘Should we go to the shelters?’
Before we could answer, a young lad ran round the corner. ‘Number thirty-seven’s got it. Acacia Avenue. Bomb’s taken off the whole bloody front of the house.’
‘Less swearing, young man!’ a woman’s voice rebuked.
David and I took charge, and I was pleased my training made my reactions automatic. ‘Okay, everyone, it’s unexploded so you need to evacuate. Get to your shelters straight away. Take your keys and hurry! It could go off any time.’
I went back to the phone box and told base what happened, then joined David making sure everyone in the road was evacuated before heading to Acacia Avenue. What we saw stopped us as if we’d been punched in the stomach.
The front of a number thirty-seven had completely disappeared. It looked like a child’s doll house with the doors open. Each room, complete with its furniture, was as uncovered as a naked lady. Bricks lay amongst the tables and chairs, and pictures hung at wild angles or lay smashed on the floor. I quickly checked my list and found that the house was unoccupied. My relief that no one had died in there made me stumble.
Brick dust filled the air, making us choke. Our eyes felt gritty and we rubbed them, making them worse. We tiptoed towards the hole made by the bomb and looked down. My heart pounded so strongly it kept missing a beat. I held my breath as if exhaling would set it off and wondered if David was doing the same.
‘Looks like a fifty-pounder,’ he said, ‘let’s get out of here and make sure the houses are empty.’
When we turned round we were surprised to find several other people peering into the hole too. ‘Idiots! Get out of here!’ David shouted. ‘This could go off any moment. Go on! Now!’
Some of them hurried away. Others sauntered off as if to prove they couldn’t be told what to do. Or to prove they were tough.
Sending up a prayer that the bomb wouldn’t go off before we got to safety, we checked all the houses, then checked the ones in the street behind.
We knocked the last door in the road and it slowly opened. An old man in slippers and a dressing gown held onto the door frame for support. A gust of stale air followed him. ‘I expect you want me to go to the shelter,’ he said, his voice shaky and his shoulders slumped.
‘Yes,’ I said, ‘there’s an unexploded bomb in the next street. It could go off any time. Do you need some help?’
He shook his head, wringing his hands. ‘No, I’m not coming. Vera was killed in last week’s bombing raid. She got caught on the way back from the picture show. We were together forty years. I don’t care if I die. Nothing to live for. You two go about your duty and leave me be.’
And with that, he closed the door. ‘Mark him down as refusing to go to the shelter,’ David said and we went on our way.
Other ATS volunteers appeared, along with the police and bomb experts. A police officer who looked important called us all together.
When we’d given our report he said, ‘No point you all being here, you’ve evacuated the immediate area. Carry on with your duties. We could still have a heavy raid tonight. You can’t be complacent.’
His voice carried such authority no one thought to question him. What could we do anyway? We weren’t bomb disposal experts. Other volunteers headed off in different directions, towards the patches they covered. ‘Let’s go and have a cuppa,’ I said, ‘it’s well overdue and my feet need a rest.’
Now the tension of the unexploded bomb had melted away, I realised I was dog-tired and could barely get the energy to keep walking. David glanced at me, although he couldn’t have seen much in such sooty darkness. ‘You look exhausted. Come on, take my arm, we’ll walk back to base together.’
His arm felt strong and comforting. Mostly though, I noticed the electricity between us. I’d heard of love at first sight but what I felt for David was an intense craving. I longed for him to take me in his arms, to be somewhere alone with him, to be close to him. I tried to remember if I’d felt like this with Edward, my fiancé. I was sad that although I remembered the few occasions when we were alone together, I couldn’t bring to mind the emotions, the strong feelings that swirled through my body now. With David. Edward and I had never consummated our love. Lack of privacy and a fear of pregnancy always got in the way.
As always when I thought of David, I chided myself for my longings. David never said anything to imply he felt the same about me, but if he did what would I do? If he did care for me and I gave in to my desire what would happen if Edward came back from war? I’d have let him down. Would he still love me and want to marry me? Although the truth was that I no longer knew if I still loved him, or just the memory of him. Or if I wanted to get married.
My thoughts were interrupted by David pulling my arm closer to his body so his upper arm pressed against my bosom. He stroked my hand gently. ‘You okay, sweetheart?’ he asked.
‘I’m fine, thank you,’ I said. I was far from fine. My mind focused entirely on his arm, the feel of it against my body, his hand stroking mine and his smell. He smelled of dust, some sort of cologne and his own smooth masculine skin that I longed to touch. I felt all hot and bothered and I could feel my body pulled towards him as if drawn by a magic spell.
David squeezed my hand, ‘Lily, I wanted to say…’ He got no further when… BOOM.
The bomb exploded.
We were knocked off our feet again, falling flat on our faces. I felt the skin on my cheek graze as it hit the road and my ears rang. Despite the noise and chaos, I felt David’s arm over my shoulder, protecting me from the blast. The air around us swirled with debris drawn in by the force of the detonation and I was glad of my tin helmet protecting my head. I could hardly breathe, although it was hard to know if that was from the effects of the bomb or the effects of being so close to such an attractive man.
We lay there listening to the sounds of falling wreckage, and a gas main exploding some distance away. When the sounds died down, we turned to face each other, cheeks dragging on the ground. He kissed my forehead slowly and tenderly, and I lifted my face to be kissed properly. Although I’d only known him a short time, it was as if I’d waited for this moment my entire life.
But the kiss was not to be.
A scream punctured the moment and, like underwater swimmers coming to the surface, we scrambled to our feet, hands clammy and white faced. Nearer to the bomb a woman was lying in the road, shrieking. Her breathing was sharp and shallow and her face was covered in dust and perspiration. She’d been dragged towards the crater by the force of the air filling the vacuum caused by the blast. Even though she was a good way from the crater, her clothes were rucked up exposing her legs which were burnt and bleeding. Her face contorted with agony and she looked at us without any real recognition that we were there to help her.
‘Go and get an ambulance,’ David said, ‘I’ll give her first aid.’
As I ran towards a phone box, he was opening his first aid kit and taking out bandages and cream.
It took ten minutes for the ambulance to arrive. ‘Was anyone with you?’ I asked the injured woman, but she shook her head.
‘I’ll stay with her if you go and check for other casualties, David. Is that okay?’ He gave my cheek the lightest of kisses as he walked away and for a split second I brushed where his lips had touched before I gave the injured woman my full attention. There was little I could do but hold her hand and speak reassuringly.