Bronwyn came in, smelling of winter, her face red raw from riding the motorbike.
‘Get the kettle on, I’m as cold as a dog’s nose,’ she said, taking off her coat and grabbing a dressing gown to put over her clothes.
‘Come and warm your hands by the fire. Want some toast?’ I’d made the fire up and it crackled cheerfully in the grate. I headed to our food store and took out the remains of a loaf. It was a bit stale, but fine toasted.
She sat down, hands outstretched to the heat. ‘Do you ever dream about the days when we could have toast dripping with butter? None of this bloody rationing.’
I scraped the butter on her toast, and scraped off the excess, although before the war no one would have thought it was excessive. ‘I dream about that, and being about to buy clothes without coupons, about not being terrified of bombs every night…’
She took the toast and looked at me for the first time. ‘Hey, you look different…’ She took a bite and looked harder as she chewed. ‘You’ve got a sort of glow…’
‘Sitting by the fire too much, I suppose,’ I said, trying to head her off.
She suddenly stood. ‘I’ve got it!’ She slapped her hands together, almost dropping her toast. ‘You’ve done it, haven’t you!’
I busied myself putting the bread away. She turned me round abruptly and looked closely at my face.
‘Yes, I’m right. You’ve only gone and lost your bloody cherry, haven’t you!’
I smiled and said nothing.
A frown creased her lovely face, ‘But what about Edward? Remember him? Your fiancé? The one you were going to wait for for ever.’
My mouth dropped open, ‘But you said… you said I should enjoy myself… I could be dead tomorrow.’
‘I never thought you’d damn well do it though, did I? Miss Goody Two Shoes like you, I thought you’d wait till you knew for sure about Edward.’
My body tensed and my breathing was shallow. ‘How dare you! You and your married men! And you think you’ve got a right to criticise me, you hypocrite. You have no idea how lonely I’ve been.’
Her lip curled. ‘So you had sex just ’cos you were lonely, did you? You should have got yourself a teddy bear.’
‘It’s not just that. David’s…’
‘Lovely… I know, you’ve told me often enough. But still, Edward…’
I sat down heavily, my eyes filling with tears, ‘Edward’s been missing such a long time. Surely if he was alive I’d have heard something. He’s not on the prisoner-of-war lists and…’
She folded her arms. ‘And you’ve done nothing to try to find out more. Ever thought about going to his regiment?’
I sobbed. ‘But if they knew anything they’d…’
‘Have told you. Or that wretched mother of his. But what about his mates? The ones he was with. Some of them might have come back. Go and find them and see if they know anything. Better than moping about.’
I looked up, ‘I wasn’t moping. I was quite happy till you came in.’
‘Well, you should be sitting there feeling bloody guilty.’
I took a deep breath. ‘What, like you, you mean? Going out with married men? Taking gifts off them like a…’
She glared at me. ‘A what…?’
‘Nothing.’ I suddenly felt deflated as a punctured tyre. ‘Let’s not argue, Bron. So we’re not angels, neither of us, but we can still be friends. Come on, we’ve been through so much together.’ She sat back down and took the last bite of her toast. I thought she’d sulk for ever so was glad when the landlord knocked on the door for his rent. By the time he’d had a chat and we’d batted away his attempts to get fresh with us, our argument was forgotten.
‘Do you really think it would do any good going to Edward’s regiment?’ I asked when we’d settled down again.
She shrugged. ‘It’s like this, see, I don’t know. But it can’t do any harm trying, can it? Want me to come with you?’
* * *
Three days later we headed for the regiment’s headquarters, dressed in our uniforms in the hope that we would get more response than if we were in our civvies. We polished our shoes and badges to a shine; no point in having some picky officer using it as an excuse to look down his nose at us.
The train and then bus to the HQ seemed to take for ever and I was glad we’d made a prompt start even though it meant getting up early after spending half the night in the air raid shelter.
‘Are you sure it’s a good idea going without making an appointment?’ I asked Bronwyn, butterflies fighting for space in my stomach.
She nodded. ‘Like I said, if we make an appointment, they can make it months ahead, put us off like. If this way doesn’t work, we can always make an appointment.’
‘You girls going to the army headquarters?’ an old soldier with one arm missing asked us, ‘Sorry to be nosy but I couldn’t help overhearing you.’
I turned to him. ‘Yes, my fiancé is missing presumed dead and I want to know if they know any more than they’ve told us.’
He took off his hat and scratched his head, then put his hat back on again. ‘That’s a tough one, for sure. They’ll only tell you what they know officially. If you don’t get any joy from them there officers, try talking to the blokes in his battalion. Some of them’ll at least know the gossip. Some of them might have even seen something. You’ll have to be cunning though. Them officers’ll try to get you out of the compound as soon as they can.’
My heart sank. ‘Are they all difficult?’
He shook his head, ‘Some of ’em are okay, but others think they’re above talking to ordinary people, even girls in uniform like you two.’
The bus dropped us right outside the barracks and we stood and gazed at the entrance without moving. I looked at Bronwyn. She seemed as unsure as me but I shrugged, put my arm through hers, and stepped forward wondering what was to come.
A soldier holding a rifle stopped us getting through the gate. He’d been standing inside a sentry box and stepped out calling, ‘Halt!’
I swallowed hard. ‘We want to see someone about my fiancé who’s missing in action,’ I said, trying not to let the tears that threatened roll down my cheeks.
His expression turned from formal to sympathetic. ‘Oh, I see. See the green hut over there?’ He pointed over to the left. ‘Ask for Captain Smithers, he’s the man who deals with that sort of thing. Good luck.’
We had to knock three times before we heard a terse ‘Enter!’
Captain Smithers was sitting behind a desk. It was chaotic, like someone had thrown the contents of a filing cabinet in the air and it had all landed on his desk and been left there. My head felt woolly just looking at it and I wondered how he could possibly work efficiently in that muddle. He was in uniform of course, but somehow managed to make it look scruffy. There was dandruff on his collar and his tie was slightly crooked. Another soldier, not an officer, sat at a desk nearby. His desk was the opposite. Two metal wire trays held papers, but apart from that the only things on his desk were the paper he was working on, a typewriter and two pens. The room smelled of cigarette smoke and sweat.
The captain looked up. ‘Oh!’ he said. ‘Girls! Not at all what I was expecting. What are you doing here?’
We stepped forward but he didn’t invite us to sit in the chair in front of his desk. ‘Good morning, Captain Smithers, I’m Lily Baker and this is my friend, Bronwyn Jones. My fiancé has been reported missing in action ages ago and I wondered if there is any more news.’
He blinked several times. ‘Have you made an appointment to see me?’
‘No, we hoped it would be okay to come without an appointment.’
He sighed. ‘What’s his name?’
‘Edward Halpern.’
‘Battalion?’
I told him.
He shook his head. ‘I can tell you now, there’s no more news. Do you have any idea how many men have gone missing? We have great responsibility here. We tell families everything we know as soon as we know it. You’re wasting your time here, I’m afraid.’
With that, he waved us away and started shuffling papers. The man at the other desk just looked up and gave a sympathetic half-smile.
‘If we make an appointment, would you have more time to check?’ Bronwyn said, ignoring his attempt to get rid of us. He looked up, a pained expression on his face. ‘No, I think I’ve explained that we tell families all we know as soon as we know it. I’m sorry but I can’t help you any further. I’m afraid I must get on now.’
Back at the gate, the guard saw our downcast faces. ‘No luck, ladies?’
I gave a little groan. ‘No, he couldn’t help.’
He looked around as if checking there was no one who could overhear. ‘What battalion are we talking about here?’
He thought when I told him, his lips pursed. ‘Tell you what, go and speak to Corporal Johnson.’ He looked at his watch. ‘If you’re lucky he’ll just be knocking off and heading for the mess for a bite to eat.’ He indicated a green hut to the right, further away than Captain Smithers’ one. ‘Try in there, but whatever you do, don’t say I told you. They’ll have my guts for garters!’
We scurried to the hut expecting to be challenged any minute, but apart from the odd wolf whistle no one took any notice of us. We knocked on the door and there was an immediate response to come in.
Corporal Johnson was tidying his desk. He looked up, then blinked rapidly when he saw us, ‘Good day, young ladies. Who did you want to see?’
I was relieved that he seemed more friendly than Captain Smithers. ‘We’re here to see Corporal Johnson.’
‘Well, you’ve found him, sweetheart. What can I do for you?’ His stomach rumbled and he patted it distractedly.
I was reminded how little I knew about what Edward had been doing before he went missing. We were so well trained not to tell anyone anything – Walls Have Ears – that we deliberately didn’t ask questions. We talked about people we worked with and other things about everyday life, but not what we were doing day to day in the military. I didn’t even know what country Edward was in when he went missing.
All this meant that it didn’t take long to tell Corporal Johnson all I knew. He listened seriously, his face kind. ‘I don’t know anything myself,’ he said, ‘and it’s likely that you’ve been told all there is to know. In the horrible muddle of war it’s not surprising that information is hard to come by.’
My face dropped and I shuffled my feet. ‘Do you think there is anyone who would know?’ My voice shook as I asked.
He paused for a minute. ‘Well, love, I can’t tell you anything that’s classified information. You’re in uniform, you understand that. And I don’t know anything myself. But tell you what, I’ll ask around and see if I can find out anything. You’ll need to give me a few days though. Give me your address and I’ll write to you if there’s any news.’
I could have kissed him. Instead, I smiled broadly and thanked him, then Bronwyn and I said goodbye and headed out of the camp.
‘Have you thought how you’ll feel if it seems pretty certain Edward is dead?’ she asked as we waited at the bus stop opposite the camp.
I got my money ready, looking down the road in case the bus came. ‘I’ve thought of nothing else since he went missing.’
‘Yes, but it’s different now. There’s David. You’ll feel…’
I sighed. ‘Guilty. That’s me, guilty if Edward is dead, guilty if he’s alive. I wish I’d never listened to you and all your talk about living for the moment.’
She laughed. ‘You’re not still blaming me, are you? I don’t think what I said had anything to do with it. You two were going to get together without my say-so.’
The bus arrived and it saved me from having to say she was right.
And I would be seeing David again that evening on ARP duty. Little could I know what would happen.