‘Her pulse all right? Damn, her head’s started bleeding again.’ The man’s voice was far away as if I was dreaming. Someone replied but I couldn’t hear what they said, my ears buzzed too much. A hand pressed something against my head.
I’m not in my bed, I thought, what’s happening? I struggled to open my heavy eyes and saw a white wall next to me with writing on it, but I couldn’t make sense of the letters. My brain felt filled with fog and the letters swam in front of me. I became aware of pain in my head and my left arm. The more I woke up, the worse the pain got. I moved a little and groaned.
‘Thank God, she’s coming round again,’ the voice said. A face peered into mine. ‘You’ve been injured in a bomb blast, love, we’re taking you to the hospital.’
The words meant nothing, it was as though they were speaking in a foreign language under water.
‘What’s your name, love?’ the voice said. I didn’t understand the question.
He shook my shoulder gently. ‘I said, what’s your name, love?’
I finally understood the question but had no idea who I was. Suddenly I realised that whatever I was in was moving and felt sick. My eyes widened.
‘You’re in an ambulance, love,’ the voice said, ‘we’re taking you to hospital. The hospital. Do you remember us telling you before?’
‘Before?’ My voice seemed to belong to someone else.
‘Don’t worry about it, love. You’ve had a bang in the head, makes you forget things. You’ll be fine, just got to sort out that arm of yours.’
I went to shake my head in an attempt to clear it, but it hurt too much. ‘Keep still, now,’ he said. ‘That cut on your head is going to need a few stitches. The doc will do that in no time, you’ll be as good as new.’
He gently held my face in his hands to make sure I understood.
‘Where am I?’ I asked, my mouth dry as sandpaper.
‘You’re in an ambulance and we’re taking you to hospital. You’ve been in a bomb blast.’
‘I need… I need…’ I wriggled my lower half.
‘You need to spend a penny? We’ve got bedpan here.’ He vanished briefly, then came back carrying something. ‘Can you do this? I can help you, but most ladies don’t like us pulling down their drawers if you get my meaning.’
Still feeling as if I were detached from reality, I wriggled my knickers down, not easy with one hand and the other arm hurting like hell. He pushed the bedpan under me. A strategically placed sheet saved my embarrassment. Peeing lying down was a strange experience and added to my sense of confusion.
He’d just taken the bedpan from me when the ambulance – I now understood where I was – slowed down. ‘We’re here, love, St George’s. Soon have you better.’
The next time I was properly taking things in, I was in bed in a crowded ward, beds so close together the nurses could barely walk between us. I looked around at the other patients. They all slept or had bandages or plaster casts, one or two groaned in pain. I’d drifted in and out of consciousness while the doctors did X-rays and stitched my head. I put up my hand to feel the big bandage on my head, but my hand was heavy because of the plaster on my arm.
A doctor stopped at the end of my bed. ‘How are you feeling now, Miss Baker? Can you remember what happened?’
‘What…? Where…?’
He looked down at my chart. ‘You were on ARP duty and got caught in a bomb blast. You’re one of the lucky ones, you’ve had concussion, that’s why your head hurts. You’ll probably have a headache for a few days, but it looks like you’ll make a full recovery.’
When he left, I struggled to remember what happened. I remembered walking down the road with David, then the alarm going. That was it. Nothing else until I was in the ambulance, and that was hazy as if someone was snatching the memory away from me every time I went near it.
I slept again and when I woke up Bronwyn was sitting by my bed, a frown creasing her brow. She smiled when I looked at her. ‘Thank goodness. I worried you’d never wake up. How are you, Lily?’
I tried to sit up but between my thumping head and broken arm couldn’t do it. A nurse walking by helped Bronwyn and they put some pillows behind me so I was upright.
‘I still can’t remember much, Bronwyn. How did they know to tell you I was here?’ I was relieved that my brain was a bit clearer.
She held my hand. ‘The ARP people came round. You’d put me down as next of kin. Local, anyway.’
I blinked and was surprised to find tears filling my eyes, ‘What about Mum?’
She nodded. ‘I’ve sent her a telegram. She sent one back and said she’ll be here tomorrow morning. She said you’re to stay with her till you’re better.’
She took my hand in hers. ‘Do you remember what happened?’
I fiddled with my sheet with my good hand. ‘When I was injured? I keep getting sort of glimpses, but they vanish before I can get hold of them.’
We were interrupted by a nurse pushing a thermometer in my mouth and grabbing my wrist to take my pulse. ‘How’re you two girls,’ she said, ‘catching up with news?’
Before we had chance to answer she was gone, on to the next patient.
Bronwyn looked at the clock, and I noticed she was in uniform. ‘I’m so sorry, cariad, but I’ve got to go. I’m on duty. But I’ll come and see you tomorrow. Don’t go rushing off to Oxford without letting me know.’
I barely replied before drifting off to sleep again.
I woke up two hours later to find Jim sitting by my bedside. He was the head of our ARP section and the variety show organiser. He had his cloth cap in his hands, wringing it as if it was wet through. I looked at him and wondered how many other people might have sat patiently waiting for me to wake up.
‘Jim,’ I said, my mouth suddenly dry. ‘Water.’
He leaned over to my bedside cabinet and poured me a glass. ‘How are you doing, sweetheart?’
I drank several sips and handed the glass back to him. ‘Jim, I can’t remember what happened. Do you know?’
His face dropped and he bit his lip. ‘I do, love. You know you were on duty. You and David had seen people into the shelters when the alarms went off, then you were doing the blackouts check.’
‘I don’t remember any of that.’
He patted my hand. ‘They say it’s not unusual to forget things that happen before a bang on the head.’
‘The doctor said I’d been injured in a bomb blast. David was with me on duty, wasn’t he? I’m sure I remember that. How is he? Is he in this hospital?’
‘The all-clear had just gone off when another bomb dropped. We think it was a Jerry on the way back wanted to get rid of his last bomb. Luckily, people hadn’t come out of the shelter yet.’
I held my breath, he hadn’t answered my question. ‘But David, what about David?’
‘I’m so sorry, love, it’s not good news.’
I clutched my sheet. I barely dared look at Jim, ‘David, is he… is he…’
He took my hand in his and shook his head. ‘I’m sorry, love, I know you were a bit fond of him. Anyone could see that. But he didn’t make it.’
‘You mean he’s…’
‘Gone. Yes, I’m so sorry. But it would have been so quick, he wouldn’t have suffered and that’s a bit of comfort.’
I gasped, feeling as if someone had punched me in the stomach. ‘But he can’t be… I… We…’
Jim squeezed my hand harder. ‘He’s gone, love, there’s no mistake. It’s a lot to take in, I know, especially when you’re feeling so rough yourself.’
I looked down at my bed, feeling numb. Both the men in my life, dead. I’d given up hope that Edward was safe. Was I some sort of jinx on them? Was it my fault in some way?
Jim interrupted my gloomy thoughts. ‘I’m really sorry to give you such awful news and go, but I need to get myself organised for tonight. You get properly better before you think about coming back on duty, my dear. Oh, and I saw your boss from the depot on the way in. He’d hoped to see you but you were sleeping and he didn’t want to disturb you. He said take as much time as you need to recover. Just let him know when you’ll be back at work once you know.’
He reached into his pocket and took out a bar of chocolate which he gave me awkwardly. ‘Not much of a compensation, this, but you’ll know that we all care for you when you eat it.’
‘But David…’
The corners of his mouth drooped. ‘You’ll be wanting to know about his funeral, I expect. Let me know where you are when you leave here and I’ll make sure you’re told. I can escort you there if you’d like me to.’
* * *
I got very little sleep that night and when I did my dreams were nightmares: bombs, screaming, David, Edward, all mixed together in a way that woke me feeling fractured.
Mum was first through the door at visiting time next day. Her smile was mixed with worry. ‘Oh, Lily,’ she said, kissing me on the cheek, ‘I’ve been so worried about you. How are you?’
She put a small bar of chocolate in my hand. I still hadn’t touched the other one. They were so hard to come by, she must have gone to a lot of effort to get it.
‘I’m okay,’ I said, and could hear the break in my voice, ‘my head is a lot clearer now.’
She sat down and held my hand. ‘What happened? I only know what your friend Bronwyn said in her telegram.’
My breath caught in my throat. ‘I was on ARP duty and got caught in the bomb blast. I was with…’ Tears rolled down my cheeks and I sobbed so loudly the visitor at the next bed turned to see what was happening. Once I started, it seemed I’d never stop. Mum just sat holding my hand and waiting for me to calm myself.
When I got control, she asked, ‘What is it, love, do you want to talk about it?’
I held back another tear. ‘I can’t. Not now.’
Her face dropped. ‘Will you come and stay with me while you recover? I wish you would. We have so much making up to do.’
My eyes narrowed. ‘You’re not back with that awful bloke are you?’
‘No. I told you, you were right about him all along. He’s gone and good riddance.’