Finding Our Real Sexual Selves
Abuse is something that is done to us. It is not who we are.
—EUAN BEAR AND PETER DIMOCK, Adults Molested as Children
When I was ten years old, I would walk to school with my arm stiff against my thigh, holding my skirt down. I can remember thinking that if people saw my underclothes, they would know—as I thought back then—that there was something wrong with me. This unwavering belief in my sexual strangeness persisted throughout most of my childhood. Boys would not like me, or ever want to marry me, I would tell myself, because there was something wrong with me. I was afraid to tell anyone about my thoughts for fear they would make fun of me or confirm my worst suspicions about myself.
Where did these false and damaging ideas about my sexuality come from? Why did I believe them for so many years? As an adult looking back on my own history, I can trace these thoughts to when I was six years old, around the time when an older male relative first made sexually suggestive remarks and advances toward me. Though now fairly vague, my memories of the abuse still fill me with a sense of revulsion and an urge to kick or push away. I can remember feeling fear mixed with sexual excitement when I was a child. I also remember that I felt guilty and strange that I enjoyed these sensations so much.
The abuse shaped the way I came to think about myself sexually. Because I had experienced strong sexual feelings prematurely, in a situation clouded by fear, and without anyone to help me make sense of the experience, I concluded as a child that there must be something terribly wrong with me.
How sexual abuse influences a survivor’s sexual self-concept differs from person to person. For survivors who have developed a positive sense of themselves sexually prior to the abuse, and who received emotional acceptance and support after the abuse, the influence may be fairly limited. But for other survivors, perhaps most survivors, the damage can be profound.
Sexual abuse can harm how we feel about our sexual attractiveness and our sexual energy, leaving us feeling negative about our gender (being a man or a woman) or causing us confusion about our sexual orientation (being lesbian, gay, straight, or bisexual).
Our sexual identity is profoundly connected with our self-identity. When abuse hurts our sexual self-image, it hurts all of the ways we perceive ourselves. We may falsely conclude we are bad, worthless, undeserving, or damaged. This poor self-concept can trap us in a cycle of loneliness, shame, isolation, and despair. The more unworthy we feel, the more we cut ourselves off from others. And the more isolated we become, the more we may feel damaged, ashamed, and weak.
Sexual abuse may have overridden positive self-beliefs that were only beginning to form. A teenaged girl may feel attractive and sexually curious, only to lose this feeling after a date rape.
Similarly, sexual abuse may solidify negative beliefs that might otherwise have gone away. A teenaged boy may fear he is sexually inadequate, only to have this belief firmly established after a sexual seduction by an older woman in which he is unable to get an erection.
These negative feelings can wear us out, hurt us, and keep us locked in self-denying and self-destructive behaviors. When we feel poorly about ourselves sexually, we may neglect to care for ourselves, or we may engage in sexual behaviors that carry a high risk for sexual disease or revictimization. And, tragically, we may suffer years of unhappiness troubled by sexual difficulties we incorrectly believe are innate and irreparable.
This negative thinking can be so ingrained and long-standing that we may not realize it is a consequence of sexual abuse. Crippling and erroneous attitudes may appear as truths, as if we have seen ourselves only in a distorted mirror.
In this chapter you will have an opportunity to increase your understanding of how sexual abuse may have damaged your sexual self-concept. You have already begun to learn new, healthier attitudes about sex. Now you can learn to create a new sexual self-concept and to see yourself in a mirror that hasn’t been warped by the abuse.
The insights you gain and the changes you consider at this time can mark a turning point in your sexual healing journey. When you develop a positive sexual self-concept, you create a foundation for making changes in your sexual behavior, overcoming sexual problems, and finding healthy enjoyment in sexual experiences.
BELIEFS ABOUT PERSONAL VALUE
From my work counseling survivors, I have identified three common conclusions that survivors reach about themselves. These are expressed in specific ways in the Sexual Effects Inventory in chapter 3. All of these conclusions are damaging and false. Believing in any of them makes us devalue and demean ourselves sexually, fueling a poor sexual self-concept. These mistaken conclusions, or false labels, are as follows:
1. I’m basically bad.
2. I’m a sexual object.
3. I’m damaged goods.
Let’s begin by examining these false labels to see how each one may apply to your thinking.
False label 1: I’m basically bad
As a result of sexual abuse, many survivors feel that they are intrinsically bad. They may harbor great feelings of shame related to their sexuality and consequently may believe they are worthless, unlovable, or even evil. The belief of being intrinsically bad can develop because of events that happened before, during, or after the abuse.
I was bad before the abuse. Jack, a thirty-five-year-old survivor, was fifteen when his parents entered his bedroom one Sunday morning and found semen stains on his bedsheets. His parents should have realized that nocturnal emissions, commonly called wet dreams, and masturbation are normal sexual outlets for a teenager. Jack’s parents, however, humiliated and reprimanded him for these normal sexual expressions. “You are disgracing this family with your behavior,” they said. From then on, whenever he ejaculated, Jack felt wrong and bad.
A year later, Jack was molested by a neighbor. The abuse solidified Jack’s previous belief that he was bad and sexually out of control. His shame fueled years of acting out relief through compulsive masturbation, followed by more shame and more masturbation. In counseling, Jack has been realizing that his sexual feelings were normal: It was the abuse that was bad and sexually out of control, not him.
Nicky, a twenty-six-year-old bisexual survivor, remembered that when she was six her mother scolded her harshly for playing doctor with a little boy her own age. When Nicky was raped by an older boy from the neighborhood several months later, she concluded—on her own—that she had been bad again. Nicky’s false conclusion about herself was due to the influence of her mother’s scolding before the abuse combined with the abuse itself. The error she made was both understandable and tragic. Only years later did she begin to learn that her normal childhood sexual curiosity was healthy and good, and that it had nothing to do with the abuse.
Many parents give bad information, setting the stage for their children to reach the wrong conclusions about themselves. To sexually heal, Nicky and Jack need to learn now that their sexuality has always been fundamentally good.
Survivors may also falsely conclude that they are bad because of their need for intimacy and affection. Rochelle, a forty-year-old survivor, was three years old when she was molested by her father. One day, when she couldn’t sleep on her own at nap time, she came into her father’s bed to nap with him. As a child she concluded that it was her need for closeness that caused the abuse. Only now, more than thirty-seven years later, is she realizing that her desires for comfort were healthy and good, and didn’t cause the abuse. Her father was bad by exploiting her desire for closeness as an opportunity to sexually molest her.
I was bad because the offender said so. Some survivors believe that they are bad because the offender said things like “You’re a naughty boy,” “You’re a tease,” “You seduced me and made me do this,” or “You like to be bad, don’t you?”
As adults these old, false messages may haunt us. The abuser’s words may echo, becoming part of how we think about ourselves. Eventually we may forget where these deeply held ideas first came from.
Offenders make these kinds of statements to increase their sexual arousal. They may say these things to shield themselves from the responsibility for perpetrating abuse. Victims may sense that the offenders’ actions are wrong, yet the offenders continue to project the guilt onto their victims. It can be difficult for a victim not to be influenced by an offender’s projections of guilt. After all, offenders are generally older, stronger, more powerful, and possibly even a member of the family or in another position that normally demands respect.
“I feel guilty for all the things he did to me,” a survivor said. It doesn’t make sense rationally for the victim to feel guilt, but this sense of being bad and guilty may stick to the survivor anyway. It’s hard for survivors, especially those who were young victims, to realize the offender was speaking from his or her own distorted thinking and fantasies, not describing who the victim intrinsically is.
Abusers sometimes use a child’s normal curiosity about sex as a lure into sexual abuse. By shading curiosity with guilt, the offender might try to make the child feel responsible for abuse. “You wanted to know what mommies and daddies do when they’re alone, didn’t you?” a survivor recalled her molester saying. In reality children are by nature curious about new things and experiences—including potential dangers like razor blades, matches, and drugs. Their curiosity is not bad. What’s bad is exploiting this curiosity then falsely labeling the curiosity as an excuse for abuse. Regardless of the circumstances, victims are never responsible for sexual abuse.
Unless sexual messages from the offender are thrown away, they can continue to block your sexual enjoyment. “If I enjoy sex, it will make me everything he said I was,” a survivor said.
I was bad because I got something out of it. Many survivors come to believe they were bad because they took gifts in exchange for sex, enjoyed special attention that came with the abuse, or felt pleasure during abuse. A woman who was molested by her father related her story:
He liked to make me have orgasms. It made him think he was a great lover, satisfying his consenting daughter. I suffered from intense guilt for not having made him stop.
Another survivor, abused by her brother, described a similar experience. Eventually, she was able to see how her feeling bad because of her sexual responses contributed to problems with her husband.
I remember times when I became sexually excited during the abuse. Afterwards, I’d feel so upset, ashamed, and disgusted with myself. I felt like such a bad girl. Now when I become sexually excited with my husband, I’ll freeze as if to stop myself from having any pleasure during sex.
A male survivor liked his sexual feelings when his mother was seductive with him. He hated himself for fantasizing about having sex with her. “I felt very confused,” he said. “Good boys don’t want to have sex with their mothers.”
If you feel you got something out of the abuse, it’s important now to realize you are not bad. Your physical responses were normal given the circumstances. Your needs were understandable. The offender exploited those needs. Victim reward is a common ploy used by offenders. Abuse that satisfies some need in the victim is something many offenders strive for. Offenders know that victims who are getting something like money, attention, or sexual release are less likely to inform on the offender and more likely to remain available for future abuse. In addition, an offender might satisfy a victim sexually to pretend that his actions aren’t really abuse.
In some abuse situations, having an orgasm was one way a victim could gain a degree of control over what was happening. Penny, a survivor of father-daughter incest, said, “The sooner I climaxed, the sooner he finished, and the quicker he’d let me go. Looking back on it, I see how my sexual response was how I took care of myself in a bad situation.”
Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the abuse and the feelings you experienced during the abuse, you were innocent. You are good, and your sexuality is good, too.
I was bad because of actions after the abuse. Some survivors feel they are intrinsically bad because of things they did after the abuse. One survivor of childhood incest felt bad about herself because of how often she began lying after the abuse.
As a child, I felt like a caged animal. I had to be on guard constantly. I had to plan ahead to avoid further abuse, which meant I had to learn how to lie and make excuses.
This was not a moral failure or an indication of being bad; lying helped her survive.
Many survivors act out sexually after abuse. They may develop new, unusual sexual behavior such as compulsive masturbation, sadomasochism, or frantic sexual activity. This makes them feel worse and may fuel more extreme behavior yet. Survivors may go through periods of being sexually self-destructive. They may socialize with people they know could abuse them, participate in degrading and unsafe sexual practices, prostitute themselves, or use alcohol and other drugs that impair their judgment. Some survivors may even sexually abuse others or engage in deceptive sexual practices such as having secretive affairs or using pornography as a secret sexual outlet.
These acting-out sexual behaviors can become part of a negative cycle: Survivors feel so bad after acting out sexually that they come to believe these behaviors “prove” they were bad to start with and thus deserved the original abuse. Sexual acting out is a repercussion of sexual abuse, not an accurate reflection of a survivor’s natural sexual self. Acting out may be a replay of the abuse, an attempt to blot out the pain and stress caused by the abuse, or a cry for help.
Reactive sexual practices can generate intense feelings of guilt and shame. A gay male survivor of multiple forms of sexual abuse discussed his experience:
My sexual experiences as an adult put me in a role of being dominated and humiliated, just as I was in the abuse. I’d go through periods of casual sex with many anonymous partners, which are very dangerous in this time of AIDS. I sought sex with strangers to ease my loneliness. My guilt feelings over having so many partners, and the humiliation, kept me in a constant state of feeling that I was a bad and worthless person.
By understanding that any sexual acting out after abuse was a repercussion of the abuse, you can begin to free yourself of continually feeling bad. A twenty-five-year-old bisexual survivor who was molested by her father when she was a toddler shared her story.
During my childhood, from ages seven to fifteen, I had sex with many other children—boys and girls, many men, even one priest. I masturbated several times a day. I tried a lot of different sexual activities on myself. I even made sexual advances toward my sister and touched her in bed on several occasions. I knew it wasn’t right. I believed there was something basically wrong with me. I knew I was out of the ordinary sexually. I knew I had sexual problems, but basically I thought I myself was the problem—that I was bad to begin with.
It wasn’t until several years ago that I began to stop blaming myself. I saw how the priest and other men took advantage of me. I hurt other children because of what my father did to me, not because of who I am underneath.
Considering these cases, it’s good to remember that feeling bad may serve a purpose, even today. Often it may be an attempt to protect yourself from feeling powerless and betrayed. It can give you an illusion of control in a situation that was out of control. You can fool yourself into believing that you could have prevented or altered the abuse by making changes in your own behavior. If you focus on feeling bad about yourself, you don’t have to admit that you felt vulnerable, powerless, unloved, exploited, or let down by others.
Finding out why you may feel bad about yourself can put you in touch with a lot of buried feelings. Tom, a thirty-year-old survivor, cried as he told me his story.
I felt like a bad kid when my dad molested me. Dad always said we were sharing and loving in the sexual contact. I believed him, even though it hurt and felt humiliating. I thought I was to blame and that there was something wrong with me. I felt ugly and bad inside.
Now, as I reject the idea that I was bad, I’m left with feeling that I had no control over what happened, and that my father used me for his own sexual gratification. I was merely an object to him. I get this awful feeling of a void inside, a big empty hole at my core. It feels like I don’t really exist. No one’s there, or is the real me in hiding?
While letting go of feeling bad can be painful, it brings relief. Another survivor told of the change it made in her life:
I used to think that if I was to want to be sexual, I’d be bad, since the abuse was sexual and bad. Now I can see that my being sexual has nothing to do with abuse. I can enjoy it for myself and still feel good about who I am.
False label 2: I’m a sexual object
In sexual abuse, offenders treat victims as sexual objects. “You sexy little thing,” a rapist might say. Offenders physically touch victims with no respect or regard for the victim’s humanity or rights. Offenders treat victims as if they were mannequins come to life—living representations of their sexual fantasy objects.
As a result, survivors may also come to view themselves as sexual objects. They may feel they have lost their individual identity, believe that they must sexually please others, or view themselves as easily controlled by others. Survivors who conclude they are sexual objects keep themselves tied to the exploitive and hurtful thinking of the offender. When survivors continue to view themselves as objects, it permits the offender and the abuse to contaminate sexual relationships today. By understanding how the sense of being a sexual object is related to the abuse, survivors can start to free themselves from this harmful way of thinking.
Let’s examine some common ways survivors feel they have become sexual objects.
I have lost my individual identity. Sexual abuse forces victims into roles in which they are robbed of a sense of themselves as individuals with feelings, needs, and rights. “I felt like a pawn used to ensure my brother’s heterosexuality,” said a woman survivor who had been molested by her brother after he had been molested by an older man.
Sexual abuse can make some survivors feel they are sexual objects without gender. Andy, a twenty-nine-year-old survivor struggling to overcome the view of himself as a genderless object, explained:
When I was ten I served as the lookout while my older brother had sex with my sister. After a time my sister started refusing my older brother, and my older brother turned to me for sex. I came to feel I was merely a sexual substitute for my sister, a creature without an identity of my own.
Shawna, a twenty-five-year-old survivor, felt that she lost a sense of her identity because she had to deny her own feelings and needs during the abuse. When Shawna was eleven, a fifteen-year-old male cousin cornered her in a barn and forced her to have oral sex. The experience left her feeling that being sexual means ignoring her own existence and rights. In group therapy Shawna explained this feeling:
I can now see that my whole sense of who I am sexually started in the abuse. The experience with my cousin made me feel unattractive and dirty. I felt like an object, a plain, unimportant object. I was unworthy of affection and so unable to have needs, especially in connection with sexual activity. How dare I even think of asking for anything!
The sense of having no identity can be extreme in some survivors, like Tess, who was a victim of repeated sexual molestation and torture in sadistic rituals.
I see myself as not quite human—like an android with certain functions, like providing sex to anyone who requests it. I don’t feel entitled to some very human things like love, a relationship, or marriage.
Even if you were treated inhumanely in the past, you are not without your own feelings, needs, and rights. You can reclaim these now, as you sexually heal.
I am a sexual pleaser. As a result of being treated like an object, some survivors build a sexual identity around pleasing a partner sexually. Survivors may literally live to please. “I am nothing without somebody,” said a survivor who had worked as a prostitute. “I’m a commodity. My most attractive feature is my ability to distract and please males.”
For some survivors this role of pleasing others is passive. A woman might make herself available to have sex with her partner whenever the partner wants it. For other survivors the role of pleasing is active. Looking back on how he saw himself as a sexual pleaser, a male survivor recalled his feelings:
I carried a tape in my head that said I’m bad and unworthy. I gained a false sense of self-esteem by being a sexual performer and mechanic. I would fix the sexual problems of my partners, help them have orgasms and feel satisfied. I often sabotaged my own enjoyment of sex by playing these roles. Inside I played victim a lot.
Survivors who are sexual pleasers believe sex is a condition for receiving love. They may look to sexual partners for approval and acceptance. “I used to think that if I did what my date wanted, it meant I was okay,” a survivor said.
Pleasing a partner can take on a desperate quality. Some survivors hunt for the love they need by offering themselves sexually to partners. “The only way I feel I can be loved is if I am sexual,” a survivor said. “If I can give someone really good sex, they will love me.”
These survivors may believe their worth is determined by how many people want them sexually. Feeling this way can lead survivors to dress and behave seductively. They make their bodies into lures to catch partners. Sexual objectification is something others do to them and also something these survivors do to themselves.
Unfortunately, survivors who focus on sexually pleasing others may have difficulty feeling loved themselves. In seeing themselves as sexual objects for someone else’s pleasure, they may interpret genuine caring love as just another bid for sex.
If you feel that your worth is determined by what you do sexually, you stay locked in a view of yourself as a sexual object. You deny the value of your whole personhood. By freeing yourself from acting like a robotic sexual pleaser, you give yourself the opportunity to feel loved for yourself, separate from sex.
I can be easily controlled by others. In sexual abuse, offenders force or lead victims into submissive roles. Victims must behave sexually without a sense of personal control or power. Victims may begin to view themselves as sexual slaves. A woman who had been abused by her brother recounted her experience:
My brother would say, “You do what I want you to, when I want you to, and how I want you to.” My feelings and reactions didn’t count, so I learned to shut them off, ignore them completely. I was a tool for him to use, whenever he wanted to use me.
As a result of their past abuse survivors may come to see themselves as having no ability to influence the course of a present-day sexual experience. “I feel like a rag doll, with no mind of my own,” a survivor said. The feeling of being controlled by someone else can creep into social relationships as well. A survivor who was abused by her father said:
Men can control me. Whenever I get around a male I turn into a bubble-headed victim. It doesn’t matter if the guy is thinking of me sexually or not. I don’t feel I am in charge of myself. I feel automatically his.
To overcome this feeling of having no control, you need to remind yourself that you now have a choice. Being submissive may have been useful, and even imperative, during the abuse. But continuing to act submissive now will only hinder your ability to have a positive self-concept and satisfying intimate relationship.
If you see yourself as a sexual object, you can change this illusion. You are not a sexual object; you are a sacred soul.
False label 3: I’m damaged goods
Sexual abuse hurts. It causes mental and physical injuries. Survivors may conclude that they are damaged goods, that the abuse has rendered them sexually disabled, inadequate, or inferior. A survivor said:
I feel like an amputee, without phantom nerve impulses. It’s as though the connection between my heart place and my pelvic place has been severed. When I get in touch with this, I feel tremendous loss. My body feels like an empty, lifeless husk that houses my brain.
Survivors may feel they are unwanted—“No one would want me if they knew what happened to me”—or unworthy—“I’m not as good as others because I did not have normal experiences.” Survivors may believe that what they have to offer is not good enough. Developing a new approach to sex and intimacy can be difficult if, deep down, you cling to pessimistic, limiting thoughts.
To break free from feeling damaged and inferior, you must first understand more specifically how you reached this conclusion. Here are some primary beliefs that keep survivors believing they are damaged goods.
I am the names the offender called me. Survivors may come to believe that they are damaged goods because of messages they received from the offender. Sexual abuse is exploitation and subjugation. Many offenders enjoy calling victims vile, lewd, offensive names designed to humiliate and control. Offenders call victims names such as cunt, prick, asshole, slut, whore, bitch, shit, fag, homo, wimp, sleaze, or describe them as dirty, stupid, and frigid. Survivors often accept these labels, making them part of their sexual self-concept.
If you have internalized a name given you by an offender, it can help to realize that the name has to do with the offender’s distorted, cruel, and sexually abusive thinking; it has nothing to do with who you are. You are not the labels given you.
I am what was done to me. Survivors may have confused the abuse that was done to them with who they really are sexually. A survivor may think: A disgusting and bad thing happened to me, therefore I am disgusting and bad. This reasoning is unfair and untrue. Consider applying it to other situations when disgusting and bad things might happen to you: Say a car splashed mud on you as you walked down a road. Say you accidentally stepped in dog doo. Would those experiences make you disgusting and bad? The abuse is not you. It is an upsetting incident that hurt you psychologically, but you yourself—your feelings, thoughts, caring, and love—are separate from it.
I am less of a man or woman because of abuse. Survivors may believe false, hurtful cultural messages that imply a girl’s worth is lessened by sex or a boy’s masculinity is destroyed if he is sexually dominated. These old ideas blame and punish the victim, perpetuating the notion that women are property or that a boy’s masculinity depends on his sexual prowess. Anyone can be sexually dominated and abused. Victims aren’t responsible for abuse and do not deserve to be punished by society for what the offender did to them.
If you are a survivor who feels you have been culturally branded by the abuse, remind yourself that these cultural views are inhumane and cruel. You hurt yourself, and keep the abuse alive, when you believe in them.
I suffered permanent physical damage. Sexual abuse can cause lasting physical injuries and marks. Survivors may have visible scars or suffer repercussions of sexually transmitted diseases acquired in the abuse. Some women may have become pregnant by the abuser or may have been made infertile as a result of disease or damage suffered in the abuse.
Much suffering and loss can result when sexual abuse causes irreversible sexual damage. Scars and injuries are painful, continuing reminders of past abuse. Such survivors are like accident victims who need to find ways to go on with normal activities. They must grieve and cope with losses, and then learn to enjoy their lives, as much as possible, given the reality of their physical conditions.
Years back I worked in the local hospital, leading discussions on sexuality for people with spinal cord injuries, multiple sclerosis, cancer, herpes, and other problems that caused sexual impairment. Sexuality was a major issue for these patients. Yet some of them had very positive sexual self-concepts and enjoyed satisfying sexual lives. I was impressed with their attitudes and curious as to how they could feel so good about their sexuality, given the problems caused by their illnesses and injuries. What I found was that patients with positive sexual self-concepts defined sex and sexual behavior very broadly, as intimate, private touching and sharing. These patients made the best of intimate activities they were still physically able to participate in. They found creative ways for sexual expression, made intimate connections with their partners, and enjoyed themselves fully.
If you are a survivor who has suffered permanent damage, it may be helpful to remind yourself that your sexuality has more to do with your feelings of love and sensuality than with the look or functioning of a particular part of your body. You can still be a creative, loving, and sensual person, regardless of the extent of your injury.
Our sexual worth is not something we carry around with us like a balloon, which others can stick pins in and destroy. Our sexual worth runs so deep no one can take it away, no matter what they say or do.
BELIEFS ABOUT GENDER AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION
To feel good about ourselves sexually, we need to feel good about being the man or woman we are, and comfortable with our sexual orientation, whether we are lesbian, gay, straight, or bisexual. Yet these two areas are often especially sensitive, confusing, and controversial for survivors.
Gender identity and sexual orientation are complex matters even without sexual abuse in the picture. They can be strongly influenced by a number of factors, including biology, upbringing, sexual experiences, cultural influences, and personal choice.
In this section we’ll explore some of the ways that sexual abuse can negatively influence the feelings survivors have about their gender and sexual orientation. By understanding the impact of abuse, you can begin to free yourself from damaging beliefs and confusions that may have developed from the abuse.
I don’t like my gender. Because of abuse, survivors may detest their maleness or femaleness. A boy who was abused by his father might think, I don’t want to be a man if men are like Dad. And a girl who was abused by her father might conclude, I don’t want to be a woman if women have to be submissive and get treated like this.
Some survivors may believe their gender was the cause of the abuse. A girl might hate herself for being female because the abuse happened once she grew breasts. And a boy may hate himself for being male because his offender was sexually attracted to boys but left girls alone.
As a result of abuse you may have turned against yourself, putting down qualities that you believe are associated with your gender. A male survivor might always avoid initiating activities and expressing himself assertively. And a female survivor might refrain from allowing herself to reveal her natural beauty or express her emotional sensitivity. The rejection of your own sexual gender can lead to feelings of isolation, alienation, and self-loathing. A male survivor spoke of how he was affected by abuse:
For many years I spoke in a high-pitched voice. I acted with female mannerisms. People thought I was gay, though I am not. I felt ambivalent about being a man and had not accepted my maleness. Over the last couple of years I have broadened my idea of what it means to be a man, and my voice has lowered significantly.
If you are a survivor who dislikes your gender, you need to remind yourself that sexual abuse is perpetrated by, and happens to, both males and females. The qualities that perpetrators and victims display during abuse, such as domination and submission, or control and helplessness, reflect the dynamics of sexual abuse. These are not qualities that belong to a particular gender.
Feeling good about your gender means realizing your strengths as a man or as a woman. You need to permit yourself access to a full range of human expression including positive qualities commonly associated with your gender: directness, receptivity, courage, caring, dignity, resourcefulness, and emotional vulnerability. To turn from your gender is to deny the strength, beauty, and power that go with being the person you are.
I’m different from others of my gender. Sexual abuse can lead survivors to feel there is something that makes them different from other members of their sex.
Sometimes sexual abuse is a direct affront to gender identity. Zack, a fifty-five-year-old survivor, spent many years feeling he wasn’t as masculine as his peers. When Zack was a toddler, he was frequently dressed in girls’ clothing by his aunt and grandmother. They painted his nails and permed his hair. The dressing involved touching and stroking his body. This abuse taught Zack to be sexually stimulated by images of being feminized. Dressing as a female became a way for Zack to feel excited, accepted, and loved. The abuse robbed Zack of knowing what it would feel like to be a little boy who didn’t want to dress like a little girl. Now, as an adult, Zack feels different from other men due to his desire to cross-dress and masturbate to thoughts of wearing women’s clothing.
Sexual abuse can force survivors into roles that contradict accepted gender norms. Rick, a heterosexual survivor, learned a sexually submissive role when he was abused as a child by an older male neighbor. Now Rick finds it difficult to initiate intimate relationships and physical contact.
I’m twenty-four years old, and I’m still a virgin. My fears about sex get in the way of being able to initiate contact. Many women I have dated have left me because they were uncomfortable that I wasn’t sexually assertive the way guys are supposed to be. I’m a romantic at heart, but I think I’ve locked the sexual part of myself away. Recently I had a dream of a cage with its door opening up. A tiger was in there. I knew that tiger represents my maleness. This was a beautiful image for me.
Being forced into a submissive role can bring another set of consequences for males. In an attempt to compensate for feelings of sexual inadequacy and powerlessness, a boy survivor may express a caricature of what he thinks men do by acting tough, macho, and invulnerable. He may fight or destroy property in a vain attempt to prove he’s not weak or feminine. Unfortunately, this strategy makes it difficult for him to identify in positive ways with other men. And it also leads many male survivors to act in sexually aggressive and demanding ways, which inhibit healthy sexual intimacy in adulthood.
Some women survivors feel different from other women because the sexual abuse taught them to be sexually active and aggressive. Acting in ways that contradict traditional female roles, these women survivors may suffer much confusion and rejection, making it difficult for them to form intimate relationships. A woman who had been molested as a child by her stepfather described her situation:
I always felt different from other women. When I was a teen I liked sex more than the men I dated, and when I was married I liked it more than my husband did. I felt too masculine.
Girls and women can also act tough to cover up feelings of sexual vulnerability that resulted from sexual abuse. These compensatory behaviors can lead to feelings of being different from other females. Alice, a twenty-four-year-old lesbian survivor, was physically abused by her father and was raped by her brother and his friends when she was ten years old. She became a star athlete in college on the women’s volleyball team. She was known as the kamikaze player because she would dive for balls so hard that she sometimes hurled her body into the bleachers. Alice broke her fingers and bruised her knees, but she never cried, never showed pain.
In her adult sexual relationships, Alice wondered why she could give pleasure to her partner during sex but not receive pleasure for herself. She felt different from other women. Now, as she recovers from her early sexual abuse, Alice is realizing that she can overcome her sexual problems by accepting traits of softness and receptivity, which she has viewed as traditionally feminine.
If you are a survivor who feels different from others of your gender, you may need to take a close look at how sexual abuse has colored your view of yourself. You are a member of your sex as a result of your biology; the abuse didn’t change whether you are male or female. Your gender is nothing you must prove or deny; it’s a given.
While it’s important to feel comfortable and affiliated with your gender, it’s also important to keep in mind that healthy sexual relationships involve two individuals sharing intimacies. Both of you, regardless of gender, should be able to initiate sexual activities and receive pleasurable sensations.
I’m confused about my sexual orientation. Sexual abuse can cause many survivors to question their sexual orientation. They may wonder whether the sexual abuse determined their present orientation or whether the abuse was the primary reason they are gay, straight, or bisexual.
The issue of sexual orientation is confusing for many people who have no history of sexual abuse. Even after conducting many studies, researchers discuss factors such as genetics, biology, upbringing, and social influences, but still do not point to any absolute “cause” of homosexuality or heterosexuality. Sexual orientation categories seem to blend together along a continuum rather than conforming to clear-cut distinctions. Very few people in the population at large feel completely gay or straight. Sexual orientation can be confusing for some people because their orientation has changed over time. For instance, a woman may live a married heterosexual lifestyle for many years, divorce, and later become involved in a lesbian relationship.
The issue of sexual orientation can also be a loaded one for survivors because of cultural biases against homosexuality, or, less often, against heterosexuality. While some survivors may simply be curious about sexual orientation issues, others may have extreme fear about the subject. A male survivor who succumbs to cultural prejudices and homophobia may worry that he might be gay. Some survivors experience similar biases against heterosexuality. A female survivor who is living a women-oriented lifestyle, for example, may become extremely upset when she considers whether she might be straight.
Although sexual abuse does not seem to exactly “cause” a particular orientation, the research on survivors does seem to indicate that, for at least some survivors, it can have a profound influence. Interestingly enough, the influence of sexual abuse on orientation can be in two different directions: Abuse seems to be able both to encourage and to impede the development of a particular orientation. Survivors may move toward or against the orientation they had in the abuse.
Some survivors adopt the sexual orientation role they had in the abuse. A girl abused by a girl cousin, for instance, may assume she is a lesbian, whereas a girl abused by a boy cousin may assume she is heterosexual. These assumptions are understandable, since sexual abuse is often a young person’s first exposure to sexual roles.
This taking on of the sexual orientation role from the abuse will not present a problem if it is a role with which the survivor feels comfortable. If the girl who is abused by her girl cousin already feels herself to be a lesbian, this “adopting the role” influence becomes inconsequential. But if a survivor identified with a different sexual orientation before the abuse, or had not yet identified an orientation, this influence can be disturbing and confusing, and even lead to years of unhappiness. A lesbian survivor told of her experience:
After the abuse by my stepfather, I assumed I must be heterosexual. I went through a horrendous period of having sex with male partners. It was painful physically and felt like an assault. This is perhaps because I’m not into men. I was with them to prove I was okay because I thought I was heterosexual at the time.
Similarly, some males who were sexually abused by other males may adopt the sexual orientation role they were made to assume in the abuse. Researcher David Finkelhor reported that adult male survivors who were victimized before age thirteen by an older male were four times more likely to be currently homosexually active than were those who did not experience any abusive male-to-male sexual contact.*
One reason that survivors may adopt the orientation role of the abuse is because of a self-labeling process. Researchers Robert Johnson and Diane Shrier, who studied boy victims, explain:
The boy who has been molested by a man may label the experience as homosexual and misperceive himself as homosexual on the basis of his having been found sexually attractive by an older man, particularly if he has had no opportunity to be reassured and relieved of his guilt and anxiety about his role in the molestation experience. Once self-labeled as a homosexual, the boy may then place himself in situations that leave him open to homosexual activity.†
Similarly, heterosexual abuse experiences can cause a person who is homosexual to mislabel his or her orientation. The lesbian survivor who had been molested by her stepfather and assumed she was straight did just this.
In going through this self-labeling process, survivors may fail to see the distinction between healthy sex and sexual abuse. The sex that occurs in sexual abuse is not a homosexual act or a heterosexual act, but an act of sexual abuse. Most sexual abuse of boys is perpetrated by males who are heterosexual. Most perpetrators of sexual abuse of children are pedophiles (people who are sexually attracted to children, not necessarily to a particular gender). It’s important to remember that the sex in abuse has more to do with cruelty, exploitation, and harm than with sexual activities on which to base a long-standing orientation.
Some survivors may adopt the orientation role of the abuse because they experienced sexual arousal during the abuse, and they may think that this arousal proves the orientation role they had in the abuse. You may have responded sexually during the abuse, but that does not mean that you are gay if it was homosexual abuse or straight if it was heterosexual abuse. Our bodies respond to sexual stimulation regardless of the sex of the person doing the stimulation.
Sexual abuse can teach us arousal patterns that affect how we define our sexual orientation. Sexual abuse by a male offender, for example, can create mental images of men’s bodies, sexual organs, and sexual release associated with sexual stimulation. A man who was molested by his male cousin expressed dismay about his sexual thoughts:
I’m very confused about my sexuality—whether I’m gay or straight. I think I’m straight, but I don’t like the obsession I have for the male penis.
These kinds of mental images and associations may be more of a repercussion of the abuse trauma than any real indication of sexual orientation.
Rather than feeling that the abuse led them toward the role they had in the abuse, many survivors feel that their current orientation evolved as a reaction against the abuse. A girl abused by her father, for instance, might turn away from heterosexuality because she associates relations with men with abuse. To her, male bodies may seem repulsive, triggering images of pain and fear. As she matures, she may seek women partners because they feel safer and more comfortable. Similarly, out of fear and negative associations with women’s bodies, a lesbian girl who is abused by her mother might migrate toward relationships with men. The sexual abuse may have caused this survivor to have an antifemale reaction, making it hard for her to realize her desire for women partners.
Some male survivors also react against the orientation role of the abuse. A homosexual male, abused by a male, may choose to explore relating with females for a time. Likewise, a heterosexual male abused by a woman may be drawn to sexual activities with males.
One man who was abused by his mother when he was young, then abused again by a teenaged boy, suffered much confusion about his sexual orientation. He was both adopting and reacting against the orientation role of his two abuse experiences. Even with these conflicting influences, a basic heterosexual orientation seemed to persist for him.
Growing up, my sexual concept was that of a little boy looking for the love his mother never gave him. I was very passive sexually and very afraid of women. I felt toward women the way I sometimes felt toward my mom—like I wasn’t an adult male.
After I was abused by the older neighborhood boy, I decided temporarily that I was gay because I liked it, and I later sought out gay experiences even though I didn’t feel attracted to men. Looking back now I think this gay time was easier than having to go through my fears and mixed feelings about the women I really was attracted to. I’m now married and sometimes use gay fantasies to help me perform with my wife. I see this as a defense against intimacy with her. As I’ve come to understand and accept the origin of these fantasies, I seem to need them less and less.
Because of influences caused by abuse and negative cultural influences, many survivors struggle for years against a sexual orientation with which they would feel more comfortable. It is often not until they feel more secure, mature, and assertive that they can resolve their confusion.
If you are a survivor who questions your sexual orientation, remember that all sexual orientations are valid. In determining your sexual orientation, you may want to consider these questions:
• What was your sense of your sexual orientation before the abuse?
• Do you think you may have reacted toward or against the orientation role in the abuse, or do you think the abuse had no effect?
• Now when you do have romantic feelings, desires for deeper intimacy, consistent physical attraction, or fantasies of loving sexual contact, what is the gender of the person for whom you feel attraction?
Developing a healthy concept of yourself sexually involves feeling comfortable with your sexual orientation now. You may not be able to answer conclusively the questions you have about your sexual orientation. You will probably only cause yourself anguish if you strive for a particular orientation that you don’t believe fits you at this time. What matters in sexual healing is accepting yourself and being able to express love and share intimacy with someone else.
GUIDELINES FOR IMPROVING YOUR SEXUAL SELF-CONCEPT
It takes time and effort to develop a positive sexual self-concept. Not only do we have to watch for the false conclusions and negative beliefs about ourselves that resulted from the abuse, we also need to replace old ways of thinking with new, healthy ones. Here are some suggestions for activities you can do—when you feel ready—to overcome the effects of abuse and to start developing a positive concept of yourself as a sexual person.
Befriend your inner child
Inside each of us is an innocent, creative, sexually curious child. This childlike vulnerability is a crucial part of our personality that was affected by the abuse. Many therapists and survivors call this child-self the “inner child.”* Many survivors feel that their inner child is still hurting. Getting in touch with your inner child can help you overcome old hurts, heal old pain, and realize your intrinsic goodness.
One way to befriend your inner child is to give yourself the kind of emotional support and care you needed after the abuse but that you may not have received. Ask yourself: What did I need from a parent, caretaker, friend, or lover at the time of the abuse? Perhaps you needed to be held and comforted, to be assured that you were safe from further harm, to be validated for your emotional reactions, or to be given information to help you understand what happened. Even though many years may have passed, you now can start giving your inner child the validation and support it needs. A survivor of father-daughter incest expressed her needs:
The little girl inside of me needs protection. She needs to hear it wasn’t my fault, that I was in an impossible situation, that there was no way I could have avoided the humiliation.
Using your adult wisdom and what you now know about sexual abuse, you can connect with your inner child and tell yourself all the things you still need to hear. The use of meditation and affirmations (see box) may help your inner child heal from the abuse.
As you get in touch with your inner child you can also learn to respond to the child’s unmet needs, as this survivor explained:
I don’t feel I ever had a real childhood. I didn’t feel innocent and carefree like children should be. I missed out on a lot of relaxed fun that children have, like flying kites and being creative. I didn’t get to explore my sexuality as my own or enjoy the discovery of sex as something good and natural.
As an adult you can give yourself permission to do some things that you didn’t get to enjoy as a child. What did you miss doing that you can do now? Fly a kite, dress up, dance, sing, paint, repair bikes? Freeing up the child energy puts you in touch with your natural curiosity and playfulness—two important ingredients for a healthy sex life.
Adopt a clean-slate philosophy of life
Let the past be past, and give yourself a future. It’s not fair to you to cling to the past image you have of yourself. You don’t have to feel damaged forever. If you have felt like a sexual object in the past, you don’t have to anymore. These ideas are not empty platitudes like “Let bygones be bygones.” Rather, you can use your new awareness and acknowledgment of the past in an active way, to work toward change step by step.
I believe in what I call a clean-slate philosophy of life. This means that each day brings us a brand-new opportunity to create ourselves again, without being pulled back into our past. You can imagine that every night the blackboards of your life are wiped clean, leaving them fresh and open for the next day’s events.
AFFIRMATIONS TO HEAL MY INNER CHILD
In a safe, quiet, and relaxed setting, imagine that the adult you are now is sitting down and talking to the child or person you were at the time of the abuse. Say each statement aloud.
The sexual abuse was not your fault.
You are a valuable and good person.
You did not deserve what happened.
You are not bad because of what happened.
Your feelings and responses during the abuse were normal.
Your sexual energy is good and separate from the abuse.
You are a strong [boy/man] [girl/woman].
You can share your pain with others, and it will go away.
You are not alone anymore.
Be aware of your response to each statement. Are there some statements that are easier to take in than others? You may want to repeat each statement several times in one sitting.
This exercise can be adapted so that your inner child can repeat each statement as well. Thus, after you say, “The abuse was not your fault,” your inner child can respond with, “The abuse was not my fault,” and so on for each statement. You may also want to do the exercise while looking into a mirror. This exercise makes an excellent daily meditation.
Who you are is who you decide you are. You are not strapped to the negative labels that the offender called you in the abuse or to the way you saw yourself later as a result of the abuse. These labels will disappear as you stop believing them and stop acting in ways that reinforce them. Keep asserting new, healthy concepts of yourself; they eventually will take hold.
Find your voice
An important way to stop feeling like an object is to speak up and assert your needs and feelings to others. By asserting yourself, you validate your existence. You affirm to yourself and to others that you deserve respect. To express yourself is to find your voice.
Linda, a thirty-six-year-old survivor of ritual abuse, found her voice in a group therapy session. It was the week before Halloween, and members of her group were planning a celebration with candles on a table. Linda felt panicky. She flashed back to her abuse, which sometimes involved candles on tables. As usual, Linda kept silent at first and started coming down on herself for reacting strongly against the event. She kept telling herself that the group would not hurt her and that she had nothing to fear. She felt silly for being afraid. But her panicky feelings wouldn’t go away. Her inner child was screaming, “If you ever listen to me, listen to me now, and don’t go!” Linda thought maybe she should avoid conflict and skip the next meeting.
Something else happened instead. Linda decided to tell the group members how she was feeling. To her surprise, they were responsive and agreed not to do a ritual. Each member praised her for her assertiveness. Linda felt apologetic, thinking she had spoiled everyone else’s plans. She felt critical of herself for being so sensitive. But above these feelings she also realized that her reactions made sense. She became proud of herself for speaking up. Later in couples therapy, Linda told her husband, Mike, of her accomplishment:
I see what I did in group as a major step in my sexual recovery. To be able to feel comfortable with having sex with you, I need to tell you what I need and not feel bad when you make changes that consider my feelings.
I am finally feeling that I deserve to enjoy sex. It is something I want for me. It seems so elementary. I need to take time to know what I want. When I was young, I was never allowed to feel and make decisions. Now I can. I can decide I want it. I deserve to enjoy my sexuality, and we deserve an intimate life together.
After listening to Linda, Mike for the first time expressed hope for their sexual relationship. Changes did not happen overnight for them. Throughout the next several years, Linda slowly became more able to assert her feelings and needs in her relationship with Mike. This new ability allowed Linda and Mike to reach a new level of intimacy.
Finding your voice helps you to overcome the feelings of submissiveness you learned in the abuse. A survivor of father-son incest said:
In difficult situations I used to sit back, withdraw, and shrug my shoulders. Or I would do things to distract attention from my true feelings. Now when I speak up, I feel that I exist, I am powerful, and I have an effect on other people. I feel good about myself and strong as a man.
Asserting himself helped Todd, another male survivor, overcome a tendency to withdraw socially. In therapy Todd realized that underneath all of his hiding he was a passionate and sensual man. At a party shortly thereafter, for the first time in his life he asked women he didn’t know if they would like to dance.
I felt an incredible feeling of confidence as I asked these women to dance. Some friends later told me that they could sense a lot of sensual energy exuding from me. The experience feels like a coming of age for me. I was being acknowledged as a sexual being. I feel alive and thankful. I feel life is a wondrous, mysterious thing—and I’m part of it. I belong.
Learn to be in your body
We are our bodies. Taking good care of our bodies is taking good care of ourselves. Developing a positive sexual self-concept means keeping ourselves physically healthy and strong.
Because of abuse, many survivors fail to get the message that your body belongs to you. Internalizing this concept is essential to sexual healing because it is a way of undoing the false, learned self-concept that you are a sexual object. Taking care of your body encourages you to keep in touch with what is happening to you on a physical level.
During and after abuse, many victims do not want or cannot stand to “be in their body.” Many victims cope with physical and emotional pain by “leaving” their bodies to some extent. A young rape victim, for example, may block out sensation and awareness of her body, mentally distancing her consciousness from her genital area during the attack. For many survivors, tuning out body needs and disowning body parts may have been a way of surviving the abuse. Continuing to withdraw physically now, however, harms sexual recovery and enjoyment.
Learning to live in one’s body after abuse is often a slow and gradual process. At the start of their healing some survivors may find it very difficult to even look at themselves naked in a mirror. One woman had been abducted, raped, and tattooed by a motorcycle gang and could not financially afford to have the tattoos removed. She kept no mirrors in her apartment and avoided walking by windows and mirrors in public. To overcome her fear of looking at herself, her therapist asked her to think of something she enjoyed looking at that made her feel safe and happy. The woman thought of a little brown teddy bear she kept in her room. Next the therapist suggested that the woman hold the teddy bear next to a part of her body when looking at that part in a small mirror. Using this process, the woman eventually was able to look at all parts of her body and, finally, to view her whole body in a full-length mirror without fear.
Looking at yourself in a mirror can also help remind you how you have aged since the abuse. When it comes to sex, some survivors continue to think of themselves as being the same size, age, and shape they were when the abuse took place. When you look at yourself in a mirror now, you can affirm the differences. (Many of the Relearning Touch exercises in chapter 10, such as Cleansing and Reclaiming Your Body, can be extremely helpful in improving body awareness and body image.)
Taking an inventory of the parts of your body that were hurt in the abuse can also help you. Janice, a survivor I counseled, drew an outline of her body on a big piece of paper. At first, it looked like a gingerbread woman, with only eyes, nose, mouth, and ears drawn in; the rest of her body she left blank. I asked her to think about what had happened to her in the sexual assault, then mark an X on her drawing to indicate each place on her body that had suffered pain or injury, or that she associated with emotional harm. Next to each X, Janice described the type of hurt she had experienced. For example, she wrote “bruise from being kicked” next to an X on her thigh and “teasing about the size of my breast” next to an X on her breast. When Janice was done, her drawing had many marks and words on it. Slowly, she stretched out her arm and touched her drawing. She began to cry. Seeing everything together at once, Janice realized how profoundly she had suffered from the abuse. Although painful for her, this awareness finally opened doors for her to reconnect with her body.
In a similar exercise, other survivors can identify how they feel about different parts of their bodies. Using a drawing or simply thinking to yourself, you may want to scan your body from head to toe, stopping at each body part. Repeatedly ask yourself these questions:
How do I feel about this part of my body?
How well have I been taking care of this part of my body?
You may want to record your answers in a journal so that you can refer to them later and evaluate your progress in changing how you feel about your body.
A woman survivor who had difficulty achieving orgasms realized through this exercise that she harbored many negative feelings toward her clitoris. She thought of her clitoris as her “recalcitrant member—disobedient and resistant to authority.” Disturbing as this realization was, it was the key that would allow her to overcome her negative feelings and experience sexual pleasure. She began doing affirmations to remind herself that her clitoris was an innocent part of her body and that it belonged to her.
Some survivors learn to reconnect with “lost” body parts by having imaginary conversations with their anatomy. Strange though it may sound, giving your sexual body parts a voice can help you discover how you feel about them.
Jill, for example, got very upset when her husband would stimulate her breasts during sex. In therapy she said, “I hate my breasts. I’d just as soon cut them off and throw them away!” Jill’s therapist suggested she “talk” to her breasts. Jill used her imagination and discovered that she had been blaming her breasts for her father’s abuse because he had begun abusing her after her breasts developed. When in the imaginary conversation her breasts “spoke” back to her, they were able to clarify her confusion. It was her father, not her breasts, who had caused the abuse. Her breasts “told” her they had pleasure to offer, if only she would accept them. This dialogue helped her feel better about her breasts and herself.
Many survivors who do this exercise find they have a victim-perpetrator scenario playing between their mind and their sexual parts. For example, an imaginary conversation between a man and his penis might sound like this:
MAN: I don’t like you. You are not much of anything. Regardless of how you feel, you are a thing I will use over and over again.
MAN’S PENIS: You treat me awful. You handle me without any love or affection, hurt me, and expose me to diseases. You don’t care about me—you just want me to perform.
Sounds like the penis is a victim and the man a perpetrator, doesn’t it? Even if the dialogue sounds silly, this type of exploring can open your self-awareness. You may be able to start taking better care of yourself once you understand how you view your own body.
MAN’S PENIS: I’m tired of being the receptacle for your anger and shame. I’m an important part of your body. I deserve your respect.
MAN: It’s hard for me to see you as mine and think of you as deserving my respect. But I guess you are very important.
Reclaiming your body as your own also involves maintaining good physical health. The old adage that your body is a temple is a helpful one to remember. Basic care involves eating well, avoiding alcohol and other drug abuse, and exercising regularly. You can also empower yourself by learning more about sex, sexual reproduction, sexual diseases, and health care.*
By making yourself physically strong, you can change your image of yourself as weak and vulnerable. Exercise makes you stronger and releases anger and tension. Many survivors have taken up self-defense training and body building to gain confidence in their strength and ability to protect themselves from harm. Similarly, practicing yoga and meditation on a regular basis is highly recommended. These exercises have been shown to help survivors reduce anxiety and cope more effectively with everyday stresses.
Living in our bodies is essential to developing a healthy sexual self-concept. A survivor said:
To keep in touch with my body, I do bodywork therapy and am a dancer now. Living in my body has shown me a deeper safety and ability to function than ever before. This is where my sexual healing work is, in learning to live in me.
Develop a sense of boundaries
If you do not already feel you have them, physical boundaries can be important tools to use in improving your sexual self-concept. Most Americans begin to feel uncomfortable when another person comes within eighteen inches of their body. Those who don’t want the intrusion can protect themselves by moving away or pushing others back. Survivors may lack awareness of this invisible cultural barrier. Because of violations of their bodies, many survivors have never learned they have a boundary. By keeping in mind the concept of an invisible bubble around your body, you can start to recognize and protect your own personal space. You can imagine the bubble to be as many inches as you want from your body in all directions.
Assert your right to privacy. If you want to undress alone, be in a bathroom alone, or be free of fondling by your partner while you sleep, you have a right to your wish. As you strengthen your boundaries, you gain a stronger sense of yourself. Then, when you choose to have contact with another person, you can feel more present, more in control, and more able to enjoy what you are doing together.
Find good role models
In developing a more positive image of yourself as a sexual person, it can help you to become acquainted with people who already feel comfortable with themselves sexually and who enjoy healthy sexual relationships. These people can serve as your role models. Think of persons of your sex whom you admire and respect as having a healthy sexual presence.
I once asked a group of survivors to think of someone of their own gender whom they saw as sexually healthy and positive. Only half were able to think of such a role model. The women who were mentioned were described as self-protective, assertive, and able to enjoy sex. The men mentioned were described as emotionally sensitive, assertive, and able to enjoy sex. When asked to name a television couple who represented a healthy couple, a number of the survivors mentioned Claire and Cliff Huxtable on “The Cosby Show.” This couple is portrayed as sexually interested in each other, nonpressuring about having sex, and playful in their physical intimacy. It may be helpful to imagine yourself as such a woman or man.
Sexual abuse belongs to your past. If you have been blaming or punishing yourself because of the abuse, it’s now up to you to break the pattern. You need to forgive yourself for having been sexually abused, to separate yourself from what happened to you, and to take active steps to become the sexually healthy person you have a right to be. After two years of sexual healing, a woman who had been raped by her father expressed her feelings:
It feels strange to me to feel pleasure and pride in my sexuality, but it’s wonderful too. I now know that my sexual song is pure and beautiful.