Techniques for Relearning Touch
To touch and be touched intimately means exposing my underside like the belly of a porcupine. I feel vulnerable. Step by step, I’m learning to replace the pain of sexual abuse with the joy of being alive and a sensual person.
—A SURVIVOR
When I was a little girl and couldn’t sleep at night, I would sit up in bed and call to my father, “Daddy, I want a drink of water!” He’d come into my room, bringing a glass of water, sit down next to me, and wait as I took a few sips. Then I’d scoot back under my covers, and he would stroke my head for awhile. He would gently run his hand above my ears, combing my hair with his fingertips, over and over again. I’d relax immediately, and often I fell right asleep. More than the water, I needed his touch.
Warm childhood experiences, like the one I had with my father, teach a child to enjoy touch. We learn when very young that touch is a source of comfort and security. We learn to touch as a way to share commitment, trust, and love. Without fear, worry, or discomfort, we come to value touch for the security and sensual pleasures it brings.
Tragically, sexual abuse can interfere with this lesson. Many survivors fail to learn that touch is a healthy form of communication. In abuse, touch becomes a way to dominate and control another person. When we’re sexually abused, we may learn to experience touch as mechanical, unemotional, often a painful manipulation of our bodies. Because of abuse, we may associate touch with pain, betrayal, and fear. It can become difficult or even impossible for us to imagine touch as healthy and desirable. “How could anyone want to be touched in an erotic way? Wouldn’t they automatically feel taken advantage of?” a survivor asked.
Many survivors feel this way. If survivors had no choice about who touched them sexually, or when or how or where, they may automatically assume that all touch leads to sex. Survivors may avoid touch that is sensuous and intimate but outside the sexual context: a friend’s hug, a coworker’s handshake, a nurse’s massage. A woman who had been abused by her mother, father, and brother described the dilemma:
I grew up without nurturing touch and with lots of inappropriate sexual touching. Now I am confused about touch. I’m afraid to trust someone to touch me and unsure that my touch will be received with pleasure if I touch someone else.
Survivors can’t erase the past. They were sexually abused and may never have had a chance to learn to enjoy being touched. But it’s not too late to begin learning to enjoy touch now. It is possible to build a new mental file, a place to tuck away fresh, enjoyable memories about touch, like saving snapshots from a wonderful trip. By creating new experiences, survivors can take off in directions they never dreamed they could travel.
You have reached a new frontier on the sexual healing journey. In parts one and two, the focus was on understanding past and present experiences, on undoing negative beliefs about our sexuality, on gaining control of automatic reactions learned in the abuse, and on making changes in our sexual behavior and relationships. Building on this foundation, you are now ready to begin to make changes on a physical level—experientially, with touch. You can reach out for new, positive experiences instead of withdrawing from or desperately seeking touch because of the damage done by the abuse. You can learn to experience touch as a source of comfort, caring, and pleasure.
First you’ll be asked to look at the relationship between touch and sex. Second, you’ll be introduced to several important skills that can be used in relearning touch. Finally, you’ll be guided through a series of seventeen practical exercises that will provide you with hands-on opportunities to safely, gently, and playfully explore your sensuality. In small, progressive steps, you will learn how to feel relaxed and present during touch, and how to alter your experience in response to your individual feelings and needs. You can work on many of these exercises alone, whether or not you are currently involved with an intimate partner.
These skills and exercises will allow you to compensate for the learning you may have missed because of sexual abuse. This is a chance for you to relearn touch in a positive way and to develop whole new avenues for enjoying sensual pleasure.
PUTTING SEX WHERE IT BELONGS
Human beings touch one another in a wide variety of ways. Most touch is not sexual at all. Sexual touch is only one possibility of sensual touch experiences. To illustrate how different touch experiences interrelate, we can imagine a continuum of sensual touch, listing experiences progressively from less sexual to more sexual kinds of touch.
Ideally, we learn to enjoy touch in stages, feeling comfortable with the more primary, soothing kinds of touch before we ever experience touch in a sexual context. Each experience, while satisfying in and of itself, also prepares us for the next step. We gradually build a foundation of pleasing touch experiences.
For most survivors, however, touch has not been learned under these ideal conditions. They may have been forced to experience sexual touch too early in the touch continuum, before they had a chance to build a foundation of other, less sexual touch experiences.
To enhance sexual healing, survivors can now go back and rebuild a healthy continuum of touch experiences. The key to remember is that sexual pleasuring comes after—and not until—you have learned to feel safe and comfortable with nonsexual touch.
The illustration on the following page shows one example of a touch continuum. Yours might look somewhat different, but it should show a progression from nonsexual to more sexual touch.
Survivors need to feel well practiced in their ability to relax, stay present, and guide the touch activity before they can enjoy the unique pleasures inherent in sexual touch. Start with touch experiences that you perceive as easier to do and that occur earlier in your touch continuum. One survivor may feel more secure if she begins with a hug than if she begins with a kiss. Another survivor may want to hold hands during a movie before he’s comfortable receiving a back rub.
Relearning touch involves moving step by step toward touching in more sexual ways. Having sex and developing sexual bonds fit naturally into the progression as survivors heal, but these activities should occur only after they have a foundation of pleasant touch experiences. Once the survivor feels secure with this foundation, he or she can invite the partner in to share at each stage along the continuum, building shared sexual experiences gradually.
An example of a touch continuum
CRUCIAL SKILLS FOR RELEARNING TOUCH
Before you begin the exercises for relearning touch, let’s go over three important skills that can help you overcome difficulties that may arise:
1. Relaxation and rest
2. Active awareness
3. Creative problem solving
Relaxation and rest
Giving yourself permission to stop and relax when you feel the need is a prerequisite for all of these exercises. Don’t start a relearning touch exercise until you feel that when needed you would be able to stop, rest, calm yourself down, and feel safe.
Relax first. How can you create a mood in which this is possible? Try some preliminary relaxing before beginning an exercise. Unwind in a hot bath. Read about the exercise. Take a few minutes to imagine yourself doing it.
Some survivors find they can relax further by using a relaxation exercise, slowly stretching and massaging their muscle groups. Others may use yoga, dance warm-ups, or self-massage.*
Here is a simple exercise I use that involves tensing and relaxing different muscle groups in succession: Take time to lie down awhile on your back. Breathe and rest. When you’re ready, begin to alternately tighten and release the muscles in your feet, then legs, then stomach, then chest, then hands, then arms, then shoulders and neck, and so on. Breathe slowly and deeply. End this activity by tensing and relaxing your whole body at once. Breathe slowly. Imagine your muscles becoming heavy, as if your whole body is sinking into the floor. Relax and continue breathing slowly.
There is no one prescription for relaxing. Each of us needs to find what works best. Other relaxation methods could also work well for you.†
Rest when needed. During the exercises, whenever you feel like it take a few minutes simply to breathe. Inhale and exhale fully, reminding yourself that you are in charge, that you are doing this by your choice, and that you can stop whenever you want. The techniques described in chapter 7 for gaining control over automatic reactions can help you now, applied to relearning touch exercises.
When sensual experiences with her partner became too intense, Dee, a survivor, would put her hands in a T signal for time out.
I stop for just a little bit until I can realize it isn’t the abuse all over again. I concentrate on my needs, which helps me move beyond my reactions.
The nonverbal signal Dee used was an easy way to remind herself and her partner she wanted a break. Remind yourself to stop, move around, go to the bathroom, get something nonalcoholic to drink, or talk about your feelings if you’re with a partner. Another survivor described a particular incident:
One time my partner and I were kissing. We stopped and checked in with each other. I realized I hadn’t really been “there” while kissing my partner. I opened my eyes, looked at my partner, and reminded myself who I was kissing. That helped. It gave me a sense of power.
Taking a short break reinforces your choice and makes you aware you are in control. You can also stop the exercises sometimes when you feel fine. If you stop only when the going gets tough, you can make stopping itself seem traumatic. It need not be. Resting is natural. It’s better to stop than to push too hard. Take it slow, adding two or three time-out breaks to each exercise. Stop and go at your own pace.
If you find that stopping becomes so frequent that it interferes with your progress, you may not be ready to do the particular exercise you have chosen. If you are feeling intense anger or panic, attend to these feelings first. Back up a little, and review the aspects of the healing journey covered in part two. Don’t push yourself to move forward until you feel ready.
When you stop the exercises, do something you find calming. Find your own reassurances. You may want to hold your hand over your heart, listen to music, meditate, hold a pillow, pet your cat, or simply breathe and nap.
Find a home base. When doing exercises with a partner, it may help you to find what I call a safe home base—a spot on your partner’s body that feels safe and comfortable for you to touch.* By touching this spot, the survivor remembers that this person is the partner, not the offender. The spot is a home base to which the survivor can come back and feel comfortable.
While doing relearning touch exercises, Charlotte, a rape survivor, felt calmed and reassured by stroking the smooth underside of her boyfriend’s arm. This was a part of the male body that had absolutely no association with assault for her. Home base touching can be a source of reassurance when some other touching may feel uncomfortable.
listening to heartbeats
Listen to heartbeats. Similarly, some survivors are comforted when they stop and listen to their partners’ heartbeats. For almost everyone the sound of the human heart is primordial. We heard it in the comfort of our mothers’ wombs long before we were abused. The sound can make us feel secure again now.
Active awareness
Our goal now is to help you feel conscious, safe, and in control. It’s not “how far you go” in the exercises but how comfortable you feel. You must be able to tune in to your feelings at all times. Being aware of your feelings during touch is not easy. It takes time and practice to learn.
Practice completing the sentence “I am aware . . .” What comes to mind? There is no correct answer; whatever you think of is right. Ask yourself again, “I am aware . . .” What comes to mind this time? Active awareness means tuning in to your thoughts and feelings constantly.
I’ll do it now to give you an example: “I am aware that my fingers are hitting the keys on my computer keyboard. Now I;’m aware that I made a typing error. Now I’m aware that it will be funny when it gets printed this way. Now I’m aware of wanting to concentrate on the exercise. Now I’m aware that I have an ache in my shoulder. Now I’m aware of the sounds of my children playing outside. Now I’m aware what a beautiful day it is outside. Now I’m aware of feeling sad that I’m indoors. Now I’m aware that I want to go outside. . . .”
Notice how my awareness includes all experiences: body movements (fingers on keyboard), thoughts (humor in imagining a typing error purposefully included in the book, wanting to go outside), physical sensation (ache in my shoulder), sensory experiences of the environment (hearing the sound of my children playing, seeing how beautiful a day it is), emotions (sadness at being inside on a lovely day), and desires (wanting to go outside). Practice active awareness. Ask yourself more specifically:
• What do I see, hear, touch, taste, and smell right now?
• What am I doing?
• How do I feel physically (muscle tension, heart rate, stomach sensations, aches, pains, calmness)?
• What am I feeling emotionally (anger, fear, joy, peaceful, sad, excited, confused)?
• What do I want and need right now?
• (If with a partner) How do I feel about my partner? What is my partner doing? How do I feel about the two of us?
Active awareness can keep us from mentally leaving what we are doing. Awareness is a skill you can practice before, during, and after a relearning touch exercise. At first, you may find it hard to acknowledge, even to yourself, what you are feeling. Keep practicing. You may wish to try saying your awareness sentences out loud. This reaffirms your experience. If you are with an intimate partner, you may want to share your awareness sentences with your partner. If you are a single survivor, you may want to share with a therapist, support group, or friend. Do you find this difficult to imagine? Remember, you are in charge. Share only what you feel ready to share for now. The more you let your partner in on your experiences, the more intimate your relationship can be.
Watch out for the tendency to judge yourself for your feelings: How can I feel this way? Why am I thinking of that? Don’t judge. Accept whatever you are experiencing. It’s real, and it’s a valid feeling; it’s what you are aware of in a particular moment.
As you become more practiced in active awareness, you may notice that you don’t have to make a conscious effort to tune in. Your awareness will come more naturally. Like learning a new language, learning to be actively aware takes conscious thought at first, but eventually you begin to “think in the language” of active awareness automatically.
Creative problem solving
We all have individual responses to relearning touch exercises. It is common for survivors to have problems with learning touch in a new way. You may run into emotional blocks, such as a feeling of anxiety or fear, in doing one exercise or another. When this happens, don’t give up. Evaluate these emotional blocks. Understanding why something makes you uncomfortable can help you become aware of ways you may need to change the experience to help you feel more emotionally secure. This is itself an important part of relearning touch. Your feelings are your guide. Believe in them, and proceed to create more enjoyable sexual experiences in the future.
Creative problem solving means adapting exercises to your personal needs. When you run into a block ask yourself, “What can I do to feel more comfortable with this exercise?” As you adapt you stay active in your healing while respecting your personal feelings. The following are several techniques you might find helpful when you hit a block.
Shift back. Because the exercises coming up are arranged progressively, running into a block may indicate that you are going too fast. You may need more time to practice skills in familiar touch activities. By shifting back to an exercise you did earlier, you can maintain your sense of control and safety while setting your own pace.
Jenna, a twenty-seven-year-old survivor, had been teaching herself to feel more comfortable touching her own body. She started by focusing on remaining calm and present while taking a shower. She found this cleansing exercise relatively easy to do. She decided to try another exercise which involved lying on her bed and rubbing body lotion into her skin. Suddenly she got scared. Jenna felt exposed and uncomfortable.
She went back to the shower the next day. By the third time she did her cleansing exercise, Jenna began to feel curious and more confident about doing the next exercise. She was ready to move on. When she got out of the shower, she dried off and went directly to her bedroom. This time she felt relaxed applying the lotion. Shifting back to the cleansing exercise for a while had given Jenna the time she needed to get more comfortable touching herself.
You can adapt the shifting-back technique however you wish. Let’s say Jenna felt fine with putting lotion on her legs and arms, but became fearful putting lotion on her chest. Jenna could then take time for several sessions of applying lotion only to her legs and arms before she even considered putting lotion on her chest area again. Adapt. Set your own pace.
Bridging. Another technique of creative problem solving is making interim steps in an exercise. By adding steps to an exercise, you create a bridge from one touch experience to another. Suppose we are hiking through the woods and come to a river we want to cross. We spot a few big rocks in the water, but our legs are too short. We can’t comfortably reach from one rock to the next. What do we do? We add more rocks to make smaller steps in between the bigger ones. Now we can hop across easily, and we do.
When you reach a block in relearning touch, you might ask yourself, “What little rocks can I add to cross this river?” Perhaps you could decrease the amount of time you spend on an activity. For example, do the exercise for three minutes instead of twenty minutes. This allows you to expose yourself a little at a time. You might try a different way than suggested—change the setting or position yourself differently. Jenna could have bridged by adding a session or two where she remained in the bathroom after her shower, dried off, and applied lotion there instead of in the bedroom. This would have allowed her to retain a body position and environment similar to those during showering. Her success with the cleansing exercise might bridge her to the lotion application.
Therapist Jill Kennedy of Sacramento, California, described how a client of hers used clay molding as a bridge to overcome a fear of kisses. A survivor of father-daughter incest, the woman had done some healing work and had reached the point where she could comfortably have sexual intercourse. She felt safe until her husband, aroused, moved to kiss her on her neck near her collarbone. Her father had kissed her just this way. She discussed her feelings with her husband and he agreed not to touch her in this way. But the woman felt sad about the restriction and decided she wanted to overcome her fear of being kissed. Kennedy wrote:
The woman was a potter and bought some plastic molding clay with which she began what she called her “mouth and lips campaign.” She started by sculpting mouths and lips during sessions and smashing them with her fists, or throwing them against the floor to destroy them. This phase moved to one in which she began to make affirming statements such as, “This is not my father’s mouth, . . . everyone’s mouth is not my father’s mouth.” Gradually, she began to experiment with pressing the mouths she molded to her neck and collarbone, always affirming that she was in control of this contact. Eventually she took the models home and in carefully controlled exercises with her husband, she allowed him to touch her with the models she had made. Over time, she was able to feel pleasure in receiving her husband’s kisses on her neck.*
This creative solution worked. By using the clay lips, the woman was able to erase old associations to the abuse. She relearned the experience of being kissed as healthy, within her control, and enjoyable.
A common type of bridging that can be used in relearning touch involves varying the amount of clothing you wear. Amy, a survivor, was extremely uncomfortable going to bed nude. After talking with her partner, Amy suggested they both go to bed with clothes on when she started relearning touch. Knowing they were both dressed, touch was less threatening for her. After a few sessions Amy began to suggest they remove one article of clothing at a time. For awhile they went to bed in underclothing. They were both surprised to discover their socks were the last thing to go!
Another survivor, Tanya, used eye makeup as a bridge. She and her partner were experimenting, giving and receiving massage. Suddenly Tanya felt afraid and stopped. Tanya realized she needed a way to show her partner clearly where she felt okay being touched. Rummaging through her purse, she found some eyeliner and drew a line around her breasts and genitals. Touching inside the line was off limits. In future sessions Tanya stopped using the eyeliner and instead used her finger to draw imaginary borders. Her forbidden areas grew smaller and eventually disappeared. These inventive bridging techniques enabled Tanya to relax.
With some creative thinking my clients have been able to find effective, enjoyable bridges for themselves. A few favorites: rubbing egg whites between the fingers as a step toward feeling comfortable with vaginal secretions or semen; holding the little fingers together as a step toward holding hands; giving and receiving butterfly kisses (blinking eyelashes against partner’s cheek) as a step toward kissing with lips; having a squirt gun fight in the shower as a step toward feeling comfortable with a male partner’s ejaculation.
We can make great progress learning to solve touch problems creatively. Like the couple with the squirt guns, you can sexually heal while having a lot of fun.
Relearning touch is gradual. It requires creativity and gentle persistence. You can’t rush it, because doing so will probably stir up fears, anxiety, and overexcitement. A survivor who slowly taught herself to masturbate described her approach:
I treat myself to only the touches I want. I never push myself to do more than I can handle. I listen to my inner voice, what I want and need in the moment.
Hurrying can lead to being overwhelmed, and that can make you give up on relearning altogether. You need to expect that you will experience some difficulty and anxiety with this process. Changes always bring temporary discomfort. To find the balance and allow yourself to succeed, you might follow this survivor’s suggestion:
Do what feels comfortable, but stretch a bit beyond the comfort level. It’s worth it to keep on going even when you think it’s harder than possible to achieve.
RELEARNING TOUCH EXERCISES*
You can think about relearning touch as a process of making many bridges from easier to more challenging touch activities. Many survivors spend at least one week doing each exercise three or four times before moving on to another exercise. All the exercises have variations that can be used as bridges to exercises that come later. Use the exercises and their variations to create a sequence that fits for you. Stay flexible with the order and variations of exercises you do. Your needs will probably change as you proceed and make progress with touch.
For exercises you do with a partner, remember that the survivor initiates all exercises, sets the pace, and controls the process. Either survivor or partner can stop an exercise at any time, or can suggest a way to adapt the exercise to make it more comfortable.
Remove the relearning touch exercises from any expectation of sexual release or interaction. Of course, sexual arousal may happen, but it’s not the purpose now. In fact, if you are not currently taking a vacation from sex (as described in chapter 8), I recommend that you wait at least several hours after doing an exercise before engaging in sexual activity. Many couples find it works best to refrain from sex on the days when they do the exercises. In the early months of healing, these exercises are not to be viewed as a prelude to sex. There must be no demand or pressure. Remember your goal for now is to begin to experience touch for its own sake, free from old sexual associations.
Relearning touch can eventually help you create better sexual relations, but you’ll need to be patient. Let your curiosity guide you and your laughter accompany you.
Here are the relearning touch exercises listed progressively, according to learning categories:
PLAYFUL TOUCH
Sensory basket
Hand clapping
Drawing on body
BUILDING SAFETY
Safe nest
Safe embrace
Safe embrace to touching
Hand-to-heart
INITIATING AND GUIDING CONTACT
Magic pen
Red light–green light
BODY AWARENESS
Shampooing hair
Cleansing
Reclaiming your body
Getting to know your genitals
Genital exploration, with partner
PLEASURING
Body massage, with partner
Genital pleasuring
Genital pleasuring, with partner
If you are a single survivor, you can practice selected exercises without a partner. A program for single survivors could look like this:
RELEARNING TOUCH EXERCISES FOR SINGLE SURVIVORS
Sensory basket
Safe nest
Cleansing
Reclaiming your body
Getting to know your genitals
Genital pleasuring
Let’s take a closer look at the exercises.
PLAYFUL TOUCH
SENSORY BASKET*
PURPOSE: To awaken senses, to remain relaxed and present during touch, to recognize preferences, to play and experiment with touch
SUGGESTED TIME: Ten to twenty minutes
Exploring a sensory basket
In a basket collect a variety of objects to awaken your senses. Choose objects that you think you would find pleasurable to touch, smell, taste, listen to, or look at. A sensory basket might include such things as velvet cloth, feathers, rattles, bells, fruit, spices, jewelry, polished rocks, rubber bands, and stuffed animals.
Spend a few minutes interacting with each object. Practice relaxation and active awareness skills to keep yourself calm and present. Hold the object up to your ear; shake it. Put it under your nose; smell it. Rub it against your cheek or the back of your hand; feel it. Arrange your objects in a line, putting your favorites at one end and those less favored at the other. Make a design or a face using all of your objects. Have fun, experiment. Feel free to add or subtract items from your sensory basket.
FUTURE VARIATION: Hold, pet, and play with an animal such as a dog, cat, or hamster.
HAND CLAPPING
PURPOSE: To practice designing and implementing playful touch, as well as developing cooperation and communication with a partner
SUGGESTED TIME: Varies
Sit in facing chairs or cross-legged on the floor at such a distance that you can comfortably press the palms of your hands together with those of your partner. Develop a hand-clapping routine to teach your partner. This is similar to hand-clapping games you may have learned as a child or seen children do. The one I learned was to clap both my hands once with my partner’s hands, clap my hands together, then right hand once with my partner’s right hand, again clap my hands together, left hand to my partner’s left hand, and again clap my hands together. I used to sing a song like “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” or “A Sailor Went to Sea” in rhythm with the clapping.
After you decide on your hand-clapping routine, teach it to your partner. Practice it several times together. This exercise is complete when you are able to run through your hand-clapping routine three times with your partner, singing a song to go with it, without either of you making a mistake.
FUTURE VARIATIONS: Do the exercise sitting in bed, wearing swimsuits, or, later, without clothing.
hand clapping
DRAWING ON BODY
PURPOSE: To learn touch as a form of communication
SUGGESTED TIME: Varies
Sit facing your partner’s back. Using your finger, send a written message to your partner, drawing one letter of the message at a time on your partner’s back. The partner remains still and tries to guess each letter as it is written, and says the message out loud when you are done. You might write “I like you” or “It’s your turn to do the dishes” or whatever you like. When you feel ready switch places with your partner, and let your partner write a message on your back.
FUTURE VARIATIONS: (1) Write messages on other parts of your partner’s body such as the palms of the hands or bottoms of the feet (likely to get a laugh). (2) Do the exercise with bare backs.
Drawing on body
BUILDING SAFETY
SAFE NEST
PURPOSE: To create a safe setting for experiencing sensual touch; to identify and respond to your emotional and physiological needs
SUGGESTED TIME: Twenty to thirty minutes
Create a safe, warm environment in which you can physically and emotionally feel relaxed alone. Secure your privacy; take the phone off the hook, tell housemates not to disturb you, and so on. Wear soft, loose-fitting clothing. Using blankets, pillows, and other bedding, form a nest for you to rest in. Use relaxation skills to calm yourself and awareness skills to focus on being with yourself in the present moment. Breathe consciously. Focus on your body and your environment. You are aiming for comfort and relaxation. Ask yourself what you could do to make the situation more comfortable: turn up the heat, open a window, lock a door, have a friend in the next room, play soft music? Tune in to your needs and take them seriously, even if they seem silly or insignificant at first. Rest comfortably.
FUTURE VARIATIONS: (1) Hold and hug yourself. Rock yourself gently. (2) Over time you can practice with less and less clothing.
Resting in a safe nest
SAFE EMBRACE
PURPOSE: To relax and feel safe with a partner
SUGGESTED TIME: Twenty to thirty minutes
Invite your intimate partner to join you in your safe nest. Both wear soft, loose-fitting clothing. Find a sitting or reclining position in which you feel comfortable having contact with your partner. You might hug gently or rest your head on your partner’s chest, listening to heartbeats. You might want to wrap your arms around your partner or have your partner wrap his or her arms around you. Breathe slowly together. Relax and rest together. Occasionally share your awareness of how you feel in the present moment. Gentle rocking is okay, but avoid hand exploration and stroking.
FUTURE VARIATIONS: Over time you can practice with less and less clothing.
SAFE EMBRACE TO TOUCHING
PURPOSE: To experience touch that has movement and direction in a relaxed, safe setting
SUGGESTED TIME: Ten to twenty minutes
Start with safe embrace. While being held, survivor initiates small touches; partner remains passive. Touch your partner’s body, exploring texture of clothes, softness and hardness of body parts near to where your hands are resting. Take little steps, maintaining relaxation and pres-ent consciousness. Stop at any time, and focus on holding partner or being held by partner.
FUTURE VARIATIONS: (1) Broaden the areas that you touch. (2) Over time you can practice with less and less clothing.
Exploring touch in a safe embrace
HAND-TO-HEART
PURPOSE: To associate touch with the exchange of positive, loving, respectful feelings
SUGGESTED TIME: Ten to twenty minutes
Wearing soft, comfortable clothes, you and your partner sit in chairs or on the floor facing each other. Get close enough so that you can each comfortably place your right hand on your partner’s shoulder with your elbow slightly bent. Make eye contact with your partner. Take a few deep, slow breaths. This exercise is designed as a silent sharing, unless either of you needs to talk. Each of you now move your right hand from your partner’s shoulder and rest it securely and gently, palm down, over your partner’s heart. Look into each other’s eyes again. Now look at the circle that you and your partner are forming, hand to heart and heart to hand.
As you remain in this position, bring your awareness to the feelings that you have toward your partner. Focus on what you like about your partner and the things you appreciate your partner for. Think of past times you spent together that were fun and pleasant to you. Let these thoughts collect together and become loving feelings resting in your heart.
Sharing hand-to-heart
Now imagine these loving feelings traveling from your heart over to your right shoulder, down your arm, and out through the palm of your hand, into your partner’s heart. Your partner receives your love and combines it with the love feelings he or she has for you and sends them through his or her shoulder, arm, and hand, back to you. You receive them, add to them, and send them back, and so on. Together you create a circular flow of loving feelings, from heart to hand and hand to heart.
FUTURE VARIATIONS: (1) Move your right hand to rest on shoulders, cheeks, knees, and so on, creating a flow of loving feelings to other areas of your bodies. Most advanced version involves genital parts. (2) Do the exercise with less and less clothing.
INITIATING AND GUIDING CONTACT
MAGIC PEN
PURPOSE: To develop skills in initiating contact and controlling movement with a partner; to practice communicating needs verbally
SUGGESTED TIME: Five to ten minutes
Sit at a table or on the floor, facing your partner, about two feet apart. Put a pen on the table or floor between you and your partner. Firmly but comfortably take hold of one end of the pen. When you feel ready, ask your partner to hold on to the other end of the pen. Move the pen up and down and around in circles. Lead your partner, creating different movements. You might think of a conductor directing an orchestra or a child making designs with a 4th of July sparkler. Move in ways that your partner can comfortably follow without losing contact with the pen. The partner holds on securely yet doesn’t lead. The partner needs to allow the survivor to be in charge of the movement at all times.
Guiding the magic pen
When you feel finished (this might be after only a few seconds the first time you do it), ask your partner to let go of the pen. Don’t let go of the pen first. An important part of the learning is to practice telling your partner when you are ready to start and stop contact.
FUTURE VARIATIONS: (1) Dispense with the pen. You may want your partner to hold on to your pointer finger in the same manner as the pen, or simply hold hands with your partner in a comfortable manner. (2) Later do the exercise with less and less clothing.
RED LIGHT–GREEN LIGHT
PURPOSE: To develop comfort and control in giving and receiving touch
SUGGESTED TIME: Fifteen minutes
Begin in a relaxed, comfortable position such as safe embrace or sitting close to your partner. Spend a few minutes looking at your partner. Remind yourself that all the parts of your partner’s body connect together. Look at one of your partner’s arms. See how the hand is part of the arm, and the arm part of the body, and the body part of the head. Look into your partner’s eyes. Relax and breathe.
Indicate to your partner when you are ready to begin. Make sure your partner is ready to begin as well. When you both feel ready, your partner says, “Green light.” Begin touching the partner’s arm that you had just looked at. Explore how it feels. Gently rub and massage it, if you like. During this time, your partner is to count slowly to ten. When your partner reaches ten, he or she says, “Red light.” As soon as you hear this, stop touching and instead hold your partner’s arm. Repeat three times, then switch roles so that your partner is touching your arm and you are the one saying “green light” and “red light.” Remember to stop the exercise at any time if you should need to—just say “red light” earlier than planned.
When you feel ready, repeat the exercise changing the count to twenty seconds. Switch roles again. Continue expanding the length of active touching until you reach one minute.
FUTURE VARIATIONS: (1) Dispense with counting and use the words green light and red light to indicate to each other when to start and stop touch. (Note to partners: Don’t let more than a minute or two go without saying “red light.” Better to say it more often than you feel like than less.) (2) Later versions can reduce the amount of clothing and extend the touch exploration and massage to other parts of the body such as head, face, back, and legs.
BODY AWARENESS
SHAMPOOING HAIR
PURPOSE: To create a mutually pleasurable and fun wet touch experience
SUGGESTED TIME: Ten to twenty minutes
This exercise is like creating a mini–hair salon in your own home (or backyard). Have your partner sit in a chair with a towel draped around his or her shoulders. Wet your partner’s hair with warm water, add shampoo, and work the shampoo into the hair until you get a nice lather. Experiment with different ways of massaging your partner’s head, making different designs with the hair and the lather. Rub your fingers gently over your partner’s head, making sure to touch those areas that are hard to reach. Explore the different sensations to your fingers as you shampoo the hair with the lather. Invent ways to shampoo that are fun for you. When you are done, help your partner rinse, comb, and dry his or her hair.
FUTURE VARIATIONS: (1) Exchange positions so partner shampoos the survivor. (2) Both of you wear less and less clothing.
Shampooing hair
CLEANSING
PURPOSE: To enhance your awareness of your body and skin
SUGGESTED TIME: Twenty to thirty minutes
Secure privacy and uninterrupted time. Take a long, relaxing shower or bath. While you are in the water, rub soap on a bathing sponge or washcloth and wash your body all over with it. Experiment building lather in places and making designs and swirls with the soap. Try different kinds of strokes: long, short, light, firm. Remind yourself that this is your body—you own your body.
Look more closely at your skin. Did you know that your skin is an organ of your body? Did you know that you are constantly shedding the surface cells of your skin? The skin that you feel now is not the same as it was weeks, months, or years ago, when the abuse occurred. The skin on your body now is new and different. Your skin possesses very powerful self-healing abilities. As you cleanse your skin think about how fresh and new it is. When you are ready come out of the water and dry yourself with a soft towel. Get dressed right away, or rest in bed under warm covers for awhile before getting dressed.
FUTURE VARIATIONS: (1) Use your own hand instead of a bathing sponge or washcloth, paying attention to the sensations you receive in touching yourself. (2) Cleanse your partner’s body or have your partner cleanse your body.
Experimenting with cleansing
RECLAIMING YOUR BODY
PURPOSE: To increase feelings of body ownership and body awareness
SUGGESTED TIME: Ten to twenty minutes
Begin with the cleansing exercise. Look at your body without clothes on in a full-length mirror. Turn sideways to view parts of your body that you can’t ordinarily see. How do you feel about the different parts of your body? What parts of your body do you like the most? What parts do you tend to judge negatively or ignore? Identify each part of your body by saying out loud, “This is my hair,” “This is my arm,” and so forth.
Touch yourself, excluding your nipples and genitals. How do these different parts of your body feel? Which are the softest places? Which are the roughest? Which are the most sensitive? Remind yourself that your body belongs to you.
Rub body lotion into your skin. Notice how the texture of your skin softens and your skin becomes moist. Experiment with different types of touches to your skin: smooth gentle strokes, deep muscle rubbing, circular strokes, feathery touches, and so on.
FUTURE VARIATIONS: (1) Touch yourself with the goal of increasing pleasurable sensations. (2) Eventually include nipples and genitals in the exercise.
GETTING TO KNOW YOUR GENITALS
PURPOSE: To increase feelings of ownership and awareness of your genital area
SUGGESTED TIME: Twenty to thirty minutes
Begin with the safe nest exercise. With a light on and using a mirror, look closely at your genital area. Can you identify the different parts of your genitals?* If you are a woman, find your outer vaginal lips, your inner vaginal lips, your clitoris, your urethra, your vaginal opening, and your anus. If you are a man, find your scrotum, your testicles, the glans of your penis, your frenulum, and your anus. Touch each part gently as you say its name. Notice the differences in skin texture and color of the different parts. Pay attention to what you feel. Remember to breathe. Experiment with different types of touches, such as pressing, gently tugging, tapping, stroking, or massaging. What parts are most sensitive? What parts are least sensitive? Focus on remaining present-centered and relaxed, not on arousal. Remind yourself that your genitals belong to you.
Concluding genital exploration with a hand hug
End this exercise with a “hand hug.” Securely and comfortably rest your hand over your genital area. Remind yourself of the love and protection that you can give this special part of your body.
FUTURE VARIATIONS: (1) Draw a picture of your genital area. Use different colored pencils to represent how sensitive different areas are to touch (for example, a red pencil means intense sensations, a blue means few sensations). (2) Use modeling clay to sculpt your genitals, paying close attention to shape and texture.
GENITAL EXPLORATION, WITH PARTNER
PURPOSE: To share knowledge and reduce anxiety about genitals
SUGGESTED TIME: Thirty minutes
Both you and your partner need to have done the getting to know your genitals exercise before doing this exercise. First do the cleansing and safe embrace exercises with your partner. Taking turns (survivor decides who goes first), move into a position in which your partner is able to see your genitals easily. Point to and name the different parts of your genitals for your partner. Feel free to share what you learned about the different parts of your genitals with your partner, such as what areas are sensitive to what kinds of touches. Ask questions of each other about your genitals. When you are done end the exercise with a safe embrace.
FUTURE VARIATIONS: Touch and name out loud the different parts of your partner’s genitals.
PLEASURING
BODY MASSAGE, WITH PARTNER
PURPOSE: To explore touch sensations with a partner
SUGGESTED TIME: Twenty to forty minutes
Wearing loose clothing in a warm room, start with a safe embrace. Let your partner know when you feel ready to begin massage. Have your partner undress to a degree that you choose, such as to underwear or no clothes. Direct your partner to lie down on a comfortable surface—on the bed or on a blanket on the floor. Position your partner lying on his or her back or stomach, depending on what you feel more relaxed with. Begin touching your partner from head to toe, excluding breasts and genitals. Start with parts of your partner’s body that are most familiar to you. Touch in ways that feel comfortable to you. Eventually have your partner roll over, and touch the other side of your partner’s body.
In general your partner is to remain receptive and relaxed. However, your partner should speak up if you are touching in such a way that is uncomfortable or unpleasant. If this occurs, it’s best for the partner to suggest a different kind of touch. A partner might say, “I feel uncomfortable when you touch my elbow. Rubbing higher up on my arm would feel better.” The partner states his or her experience and then gives specific directions for how the survivor can make the touch more comfortable. When these communications are in practice, the survivor can focus on touch sensations without having to worry about the partner’s experience.
Body massaging with a partner
Focus on the sensations that you receive to your hands as you touch. Let yourself experiment with different ways to touch, such as rubbing, stroking, and caressing. Notice the different textures in your partner’s body—hairy, smooth, hard, and soft. What places do you find most enjoyable to touch?
End the session in a way that feels comfortable to you. You might want to cover your partner in a blanket, do a safe embrace, or sit and talk for awhile.
FUTURE VARIATIONS: (1) After touching your partner, switch roles so that you are lying down and your partner is the one touching you. Use the red light–green light exercise to remind you of your ability to control the experience, and stop and communicate frequently. For a bridge you may want to place your hand gently over your partner’s hand while your partner touches you. This way you can guide your partner in touching you until you feel more comfortable. (2) Include genital and breast areas, but touch them only as you would any other part of the body. (3) Massage each other simultaneously. Survivor decides whether to wear clothes and when to start and stop.
GENITAL PLEASURING
PURPOSE: To discover pleasurable ways to touch your genital area
SUGGESTED TIME: Twenty to thirty minutes
Begin with the safe nest and getting to know your genitals exercises. Experiment with different types of touch to your genital area. Use a personal lubricant* to create new types of sensation and make genital touch easier. Try circular movements, stroking, light and hard touches. Breathe consciously. Pay attention to what you feel. Stay present and mentally relaxed. Gradually shift from experimenting with touch to touching yourself in ways that increase pleasurable sensations. If orgasm occurs, that is allowable but not your goal for now. End each session with a gentle hand hug to your genital area.
FUTURE VARIATION: Do the exercise while being held by an intimate partner.
GENITAL PLEASURING, WITH PARTNER
PURPOSE: To explore genital touch and pleasuring
SUGGESTED TIME: Thirty to sixty minutes
Begin with the cleansing exercise with partner and safe embrace. Shift into the body massage exercise, variation 2, in which you include breasts and genitals in exploratory touch. Decide which role you would like to begin with, either you touching your partner’s genital area or your partner touching your genital area.
When you are in the role of being touched, place your hand gently over your partner’s hand for awhile, directing your partner in the places and style you like to be touched. Communicate with your partner frequently. Indicate which touches you like best. Stop at any time. You may want to end with your hand resting over your partner’s hand as your partner’s hand hugs your genital area.
When you are in the role of touching your partner’s genital area, feel free to ask your partner questions as you touch: “Does this feel good? How hard can I press here before it would be uncomfortable? What does it feel like when I pull at the skin here?” Touch only as much as you feel comfortable touching in any given session.
FUTURE VARIATIONS: Explore touching the genital area with other parts of the body, such as the feet, cheeks, mouth, or tongue.
Genital pleasuring with a partner
Relearning touch exercises make it possible to gradually move from playful, friendly touch to sexual touch. We stay present, relaxed, and in touch with our feelings. If we run into blocks, we have an opportunity to employ techniques, such as resting and relaxing, active awareness, and creative problem solving, as well as the four-step approach to handling automatic reactions described in chapter 7. The new experiences we have help our old fears and compulsive tendencies* subside. A male survivor who wasn’t in a relationship gave his reaction:
It was fun creating and playing with a basket full of toys and other things to touch. I also bought some bubble bath and body lotion. Using them was nurturing. My inner child had a nice soothing time. I became aware that there is a large part of me that wants to be held. These exercises are a nice break from the struggles of abuse recovery.
For survivors currently in an intimate relationship, the relearning touch exercises offer an opportunity for continuing self-awareness, as well as for establishing a new format for physical intimacy and sharing with your partner. A survivor described her experience:
I had a difficult time with all levels of touching with my partner initially. Just the plain touching was new to me as a sensation to enjoy. I had always told myself that if somebody touches me, especially touches me “there,” then that means we have to have sex, and sex was not fun. Touching was a whole new area for me. It was scary and difficult, but it was worth it in the end.
Another survivor told of the advances he had made:
I used to feel afraid and uptight. I worried if I touched my wife, she’d accuse me of not knowing what I was doing. The exercises gave me permission to slowly explore her body. I’m overcoming my fears and realizing how much we are alike, even though we have different bodies. It’s amazing to have lived with my wife for ten years and only now be aware of those freckles and funny little hairs on her body. I felt like I was fumbling in the dark for so long, wrapped up in fear and fantasies. Now I’ve opened the door and am actually learning something new.
Yet another survivor said:
In the past, when I’d think of my husband’s body, I’d picture him with a big hole in his genital area. I hated to think about his penis. It was as if his penis was a barometer for my fears. If it was small, my fears were small; as it got larger, fear rose inside me. Whenever my husband’s penis would touch me, I’d feel small, scared, and like I was expected to have sex. Now, after doing these exercises, I’m not afraid of his penis anymore. It’s a part of his body, connected to who he is and to the love in his heart for me.
When you relearn touch, you increase your ability to experience pleasure on your own and, eventually, with a trusted partner. After several months of exercises a survivor described her progress:
I’ve reached a place where my desire to have fun is stronger than my fears. I can feel safe, without turning off or blocking out. I’m feeling better about allowing sensations of pleasure to occur. Each time I do and it goes well, I’ve come to believe more and more that nothing bad will happen if I do feel pleasure.
As you have worked through these exercises, you have begun to acquire a new, healthier collection of memories about touch. In the future repeating these exercises may help you solve specific problems with sexual functioning or may simply reinforce what you have learned—that touch is a source of comfort, security, and pleasure.
As you become more comfortable with touch, you may enjoy inventing new exercises to expand on these healthy feelings. Remember to emphasize safety, nonpressured exploring, and graduated success. Let those be your guides as you continue on your healing journey.