Sexual healing takes a long time, but gradually it happens.
—ELLEN BASS AND LAURA DAVIS, The Courage to Heal
I feel that I have awareness and choice about sex for the first time in my life.
—A SURVIVOR
Yes, sexual healing really does happen. In time survivors learn a new approach to touch and intimacy, return from healing vacations from sex, and engage in pleasurable sexual activities. I like to think of this final stage in sexual healing as being on a permanent vacation from abusive sex.
Survivors may be amazed at the many positive changes they are able to make in how they view and experience sex. Several survivors who reached this stage of sexual healing commented on their progress:
Before, I used masturbation to relieve sexual tension and was haunted by memories of my sexual abuse. Now I experience masturbation as a healthy, enjoyable, major part of my sex life. I view sex now as a key, a core aspect of my self-image and self-value.
I have come a long way. I no longer feel sex is dirty or a duty I must perform. I am no longer ashamed to masturbate. I now feel sex is a natural, healthy way of being intimate with my partner and myself.
Sex was something I used to feel trepidation about. Would I be able to perform, deal with feelings, have an orgasm? Or would I be overwhelmed with shame? Now I feel fairly confident I’ll have a good time, no matter what happens, and be able to be present.
I am able to stay present with sexual experiences and enjoy them. My husband and I now see each other as friends who appreciate each other, love each other, and want to share pleasure with each other. As a result our sexual life has become more relaxed, easy, and natural.
Partners of survivors make significant changes as well. “I’ve learned how to make love with my wife, not to her,” a partner commented. And another partner said, “I no longer feel orgasm is necessary in order to be sexual. I’ve learned how to be sensual and enjoy touch, regardless of whether we go on to have sex.”
When you reach this final stage in sexual healing, the most critical work has been done: You have created a new meaning for sex, improved how you feel about yourself sexually, and gained control of your automatic reactions and sexual behaviors. You’ve also learned to stay aware, move forward in touch activities, and communicate your feelings and needs to an intimate partner.
Given how past sexual trauma can affect sexuality, you know that for sex to feel okay certain guidelines must be followed. Sex must be your choice, an experience you feel in charge of, and an activity with no expectations, pressure, or demands. You’ve learned new techniques and skills to enhance sexual intimacy. From here on you’ll need to practice what you’ve learned so you don’t forget or slip back into old patterns.
Sexual healing does not have to stop here. As a survivor said:
We’ve climbed up the big mountain of our sexual healing and gone down the other side. Now we’re cruising on even ground. But I think we’ve still got a few little bumps to go over yet.
FURTHERING SEXUAL HEALING
Survivors often want to go further in their sexual healing, fine-tune what they’ve learned, and even explore some exciting new territory. Three such ways are:
• Adjusting better to the realities of recovery
• Creating new and more pleasurable sexual experiences
• Allowing intimate partners more freedom to initiate and express themselves sexually.
Adjusting better to the realities of recovery
Sexual healing brings changes in how you experience sex that may take some getting used to. Sex isn’t the same for you now as it was before you began healing. While many survivors feel happy about the differences, as with any major change in life, they often experience some disappointments and sadness as well.
Sexual healing can bring with it the loss of some things we enjoyed, even if they were bad for us. If we used to passively withdraw from sex, we may miss how easy it was to avoid sexual situations. It may seem a burden to have to tell a partner directly that we don’t want sex. Similarly, if we used to become overexcited by sex and engaged in it compulsively, we may miss the “high” we used to get.
Sex doesn’t fill the same addictive needs it did before. I don’t lose myself completely anymore. I still enjoy it a lot, but I am less excited somehow. I know overall I’m better off now. It was self-destructive, but I sometimes do miss the intensity.
We may need to adjust our expectations to match the changes that have come with our sexual recovery. Sexual healing involves making lifelong changes, for good. If the progress we have made in healing is to last, we can’t revert to old attitudes or behaviors.
At times during lovemaking with her husband, Terry was bothered by images of her brother attempting sex with her. It troubled her that these images came to mind even though she had completed a lot of recovery work. Taking a closer look, Terry discovered that these upsetting images were most likely to occur when she was feeling tired, anxious, or stressed.
Sometimes the old feelings come back to me, and I get really frustrated by them. I guess that’s pretty normal. I used to wish I could just flip a switch and make those bad feelings from the abuse go away forever. It bothers me that I have to face them now and then.
The good news for Terry is that because of sexual healing she has developed effective ways to handle these feelings. She has choices. She knows how to calm herself, affirm her present reality, and talk with her husband. When the old feelings come back, they no longer ruin a sexual experience or interfere with Terry’s long-term happiness. “The more I accept my reactions and do what I can do to address them,” says Terry, “the less frequent and less intense they are.”
Survivors may have some difficulty adjusting to being more aware, to having real, live feelings. No longer numb or split off from emotions, we fully experience our anger, sadness, fear, and joy. It’s as if we had been blindfolded and now see the light. We sense so much more. Our feelings take on greater importance than they had before. As a result we may become more discriminating about when we want to have sex. A survivor explained the difference sexual healing had made in her approach to sex:
I experience sex as much more influenced by my emotions. Before, I was always ready to make love unless I was sick. Now my desire to make love is much more closely tied to my other emotions, and affected by them, and therefore is more fragile. But this also means I have more emotion to express, and feel, during lovemaking.
Sexual activity is more satisfying when it’s congruent with how you feel. While you may be delighted that the quality of your sexual experience has improved, you may feel bad that the frequency is less than you had hoped. This new reality represents a milestone in sexual healing: Your sexual behavior has become dependent on how you really feel.
Given these changes, sex may become difficult when you are under certain stresses that relate to past sexual abuse, such as being in the place where the abuse occurred, having contact with the offender, encountering problems in an intimate relationship, or feeling exploited in a work situation. Be aware you will have times like this: Don’t be surprised when they occur. Reduce pressure. These times are inevitable and temporary. To help you through them, rely on the skills you learned for creating safety and moving forward in small steps.
Survivors may have trouble adjusting to having to clearly communicate their feelings and needs to a partner. While a survivor may realize that this is important in avoiding problems and disappointments, the constant communication process can seem cumbersome at times. Rita, a survivor, disliked the idea of always having to spell out for her husband, Ian, that she “wanted to be physically intimate and explore touch without there being any expectations for sex.” She worried that if she didn’t say this, Ian would take her interest in cuddling and massage as meaning she was open to exploring sexual possibilities, too. To help herself, Rita invented the term vanilla touch to stand for touching that is not expected to lead to sex. Now Rita simply says that she wants vanilla touch, and Ian automatically understands what she means.
Another reality of sexual healing is that permanent changes are made in how sex is approached and experienced. These changes usually mean that significant amounts of time and energy may need to go into preparing for and having sex. It takes time to maintain emotional intimacy with a partner. And it takes time to create safety, trust, and a nondemanding setting for sexual intimacy. “I need to feel appreciated, valued, and related to in other ways than sexual first, before I can even consider sexual relating,” a survivor said.
During sex, survivors and partners need to always be prepared to stop, slow down, shift activities, and process old feelings from the abuse. A survivor told of her growth:
It takes time to deal with the internal voices in me that sometimes whisper, “You’re bad, you’re bad,” when I feel pleasure with a partner or ask for what I want and need sexually. Now when I hear the voices, I pull back from them. I’m more aware of what’s going on and give myself space to counter them with positive thoughts.
And a partner talked about the realities of having sex in his relationship:
We stay in close communication with each other during sex so we can change course if haunting memories of the past should recur. We keep our expectations in harmony with reality. We know that trust and safety come before all else. How do porcupines make love? Very, very carefully!
It can also be very important to end a sexual encounter well. This too takes time. If after sex a partner gets up quickly or rolls over without saying a word, a survivor may be left feeling bad for having had sex. Dina believed that her most emotionally vulnerable times were after sex. It was then that her thinking would start to slide into thinking of herself as a victim and her partner as a perpetrator. Dina was able to mediate these feelings some for herself. She’d remind herself of the chain of events that led up to the sex, that she consented and was able to control her experience. But what seemed to help most was taking time after sex for hugging and holding with her lover. This special time enabled her to break free of old victim-perpetrator ways of evaluating her sexual behavior.
Survivors may create a lot of unnecessary anxiety and upset by comparing their recovered sex life with what they imagine “normal” (nonsurvivor) sexual lives to be. They may berate themselves for not being as sexually free, easygoing, or active as they fantasize others are. Making comparisons like this is unfair and may even damage your progress. When we think this way, we hold onto an overly positive picture of what other people’s sex lives are like, forgetting that many nonsurvivors have troubles with sex, too. While sexual relating is different and may always be different for survivors than for nonsurvivors, this difference may not be as significant as we may think.
The benefits of sexual healing more than compensate for the losses. We need to keep in mind the positive repercussions of our healing as well: increased self-respect and self-esteem, and the ability to have emotionally intimate relationships, to name a few. A survivor said:
I wonder if those of us who work on healing might not be more healthy sexually and emotionally in the end than the majority of the population who believe they have “no sexual issues.”
Creating new and more pleasurable sexual experiences
As a result of sexual healing, each survivor creates a comfort zone for sexual activity. Within this zone certain behaviors feel okay, while others may not. A survivor might feel fine having sexual relations, but only under the condition that sexual contact is made in the same position every time. Another survivor might feel comfortable with fingers touching genitals but not want oral sex at all.
While establishing limits to sexual behavior and activity is crucial to being able to sexually heal, as time goes on survivors often feel limited by their own restrictions. Then the task becomes one of expanding the outer limits of the comfort zone to make room for new experiences.
Maureen, a survivor who used to withdraw from sex, wanted to know what it would be like to have sexual yearnings and feel “horny” toward her husband.
I want to reach the point when I want sex as much as my husband does. I’d like to be able to say to him, “Honey, I want to make love to you right now,” rather than, “I think I can, we’ll see how it goes.”
The range of sexual possibilities is infinite. There are many kinds of sexual activities and many ways of doing them.* Lovemaking can be playful, passionate, intense, or spiritual. When we stick within a certain range of activities, our sexual life may start to feel predictable and boring, eventually limiting our sexual pleasure and sense of aliveness. Sex has been compared to eating dinner. Sometimes you joke about the dishes. Sometimes you take the meal seriously. It’s good to know we can be open to having many different types of sexual “dinners.”
How do you expand your sexual comfort zone? You can trust the progress you’ve already made and slowly challenge yourself to take some new risks. Remember all the skills for staying relaxed and aware: stopping when needed, creating steps to bridge from one experience to another, and communicating your feelings and needs with a partner. These can all be used to conquer new areas in sexual enrichment.
Consider a new sexual experience you might want to explore. Make sure that it would not be harmful or abusive to you in any way. Sexual behaviors that can be associated with sexual abuse, such as sadomasochism, dominant-submissive relationships, and physically dangerous activities, are best kept off-limits. Although these activities may be exciting for a while, some survivors who have participated in them eventually regretted their involvement. These power-based behaviors seemed to reinforce the negative associations and ideas about sex that were originally modeled in their abuse. Acts of cruelty and injury are incompatible with the principles of love-based sexual intimacy.
When considering any new sexual activity, ask yourself: Is there anything I need to learn about this sexual activity before I do it? What are my worst fears about this activity? What do I need to do to ensure this activity will go well?
Katheryn had always been afraid of having sex in a position where she sat up, straddling and facing her partner. She realized that this fear stemmed from past abuse, when her uncle would force her onto his lap and fondle her. She talked with her current partner, Jeff, about exploring new positions gradually. To expand her comfort zone, Katheryn decided to create bridges between touch activities with which she already felt comfortable and the woman-on-top position during sex.
To begin making changes, she and Jeff used the hand clapping exercise they had already learned during their healing work on relearning touch (presented in chapter 10). They went through the exercise several times, making changes with each variation: first with both partners fully clothed, sitting on the floor; then sitting on the bed; then with clothes off, sitting on the bed; then in the woman-on-top position with clothes on; and finally in the woman-on-top position with clothes off. During the exercises Katheryn and Jeff would stop, rest, and talk whenever she felt anxious or ready to stop.
Katheryn enjoyed the exercise and associated it with fun, pleasure, and playful contact with Jeff. Her ability to relax and be comfortable with Jeff in the exercises gave her a bridge for transferring these good feelings into the sexual position. Surprisingly for Katheryn, this new position has become one of her favorites. “The only problem now,” jokes Katheryn, “is that Jeff and I keep wanting to clap when we’re done!”
Brad, a survivor of childhood molestation, wanted to explore the area of spiritual sexuality. Now that he was comfortable with his sexual functioning and was feeling good about his relationship with his partner, he wanted to see how sex could express a connection with life and nature. First he realized he needed to learn more. He found a book about spiritual sexuality at a local bookstore that specialized in personal growth and psychology books. In his readings he discovered an activity he wanted to try with his partner. The activity involved intercourse with little or gentle thrusting, slow breathing, and focusing mentally on how deeply united they were at that moment. Brad had concerns that his partner, Emily, wouldn’t want to do the activity or would find it silly. To ensure that the activity would go well, he first discussed it with Emily and made sure she was interested in trying it. They agreed to try it for a few minutes as part of regular lovemaking. Although it was awkward at first, Brad and Emily did the exercise and agreed to try it a little longer the next time they made love. Months later Brad said, “My enjoyment of sex has grown beyond the physical sense. It involves sharing in an intimate, spiritual way as well.”
Another way that survivors can improve sexual experiences, whether alone or with a partner, is by becoming more able to receive pleasurable sensations. As part of sexual healing, survivors are encouraged to direct a sexual experience and stay in charge. But you can learn to relax and let yourself be receptive to what is happening in the moment. This type of surrender to sensation is a skill you can learn, not a defeat or a loss of power. You increase your power by being able to receive more sensually. You learn to let go of muscle tightness that may be restraining and inhibiting sexual pleasure. To develop skills for this healthy type of surrender, Stella Resnick, a Gestalt therapist who specializes in treating sexual problems, advises practicing the following exercise during the course of each day:
Stop for a few minutes: Close your eyes, inhale deeply, all the way to the top of your chest, and blow the air out in a complete exhale. Imagine that you are also blowing out any tension or unpleasant feelings you’ve picked up along the way. Then rotate your head a few times, stretch your neck, your arms, and back. Yawn and relax your jaw, and reconnect to your senses—scanning your environment slowly with your eyes, smelling the air, hearing distant sounds, feeling the objects that touch your skin, the tastes in your mouth.
Practicing little moments of surrender makes big surrenders easier. As resistance and angst diminish, softness and trust grow, as so too grow feelings of love and tenderness. When we surrender, we become more loving, and in the process, we end up showing more of what there is in us to love.*
I recommend first trying this sensual surrender exercise as part of the safe nest and safe embrace exercises described in chapter 10. Eventually, you can use this skill of sensual surrender to help you let go of muscle tension, breathe fully, and feel more sensations during your sexual experiences. Increasing movement and breath is an excellent way to increase arousal and pleasurable intensity in lovemaking.
The rewards of expanding sexual horizons make the efforts worthwhile, as these survivors explained:
Sex is good and fun. It’s never been like this for me before. I’m more open and expressive during sex. I laugh. I can be intense.
I never thought I’d enjoy experimenting with sex, but now I do. My partner and I have discovered some new positions that are unique to the two of us, to how we move, and to what we find really sexy.
As survivors we can give ourselves permission to experiment and feel good with lots of different kinds of sexual experiences. “I’ve learned that feeling the pleasure of sex is nothing to be ashamed about,” a survivor said. “It’s okay to feel good and enjoy sex. In fact, I deserve to feel good.”
Allowing intimate partners more freedom in sex
One day I received a call from Marla, a former client whom I had last seen for sex therapy with her husband, Rhett, two years before. Marla had been sexually abused by her father and had suffered sexual problems in her marriage as a result. On the phone Marla said she was feeling depressed and needed to come back into counseling again. I wondered what was causing her problems. My last contact with her had been several months earlier on the phone when she told me things were going well, she and Rhett were having sexual relations about once a week, she enjoyed the experiences and had even felt strong urges that led to her initiating sex with Rhett on several occasions.
Sitting in my office, Marla explained what was troubling her. The other night in bed Rhett had turned to her and asked, “So is this how it’s always going to be? Is our sex life going to be like this for the rest of our lives? Am I always going to have to wait until you say you want to have sex before I can touch you sexually? Will you always be the one controlling what we can and can’t do? I just want to know so I won’t expect something more than can really happen.”
His words hit hard. Marla was upset. “Why can’t Rhett be satisfied with all the positive changes I’ve made? We had such trouble with sex before. Isn’t it enough that I’m able now to be sexual and enjoy it?” As she talked out her feelings and her anger went down, Marla herself began to wonder about the limits of her sexual healing.
Marla could understand that Rhett felt as if his hands were tied. He wasn’t free to express his sexual urges and desires freely. Their sex life was out of balance and lacked spontaneity. Marla wanted to find ways to loosen her need for so much control and to allow Rhett more freedom to take the initiative sexually, without her sliding back into old feelings of fear and resentment.
This is a common dilemma couples may encounter in the final stages of sexual healing. Some of the things survivors do to ensure their safety and comfort—such as be the one to initiate and control all the sexual activity—inhibits and limits the partner. Partners may feel sexual encounters have become overcontrolled by the survivor.
The fact that partners begin to risk stating their needs more directly is a measure of the sexual healing progress that has taken place. A partner in a similar situation asked, “Can there ever be an unscripted sexual encounter?” And another partner said:
I’d like to be able to compliment my wife on her looks, flirt with her, and get into my sexual energy without her thinking I’m pressuring her to have sex.
In a long-term relationship, partners need room to express their sexual interests and energy, and to receive validation and support.
In counseling I asked Marla if she was able to express her limits and needs before and during sex. She said yes. Then I asked if she was confident that Rhett could stop what he was doing at any time if she asked him. Again yes. Assertiveness, trust, respect, and communication were well established. Marla realized that at this time perhaps her need for so much overt control of their sexual experiences was no longer necessary. Still it was frightening for her to consider loosening up.
For this next step in healing to work, the survivor and partner must agree that, at all times, the survivor’s needs for safety come first. The survivor does not “give up” control but rather feels the control is always present, on an underlying level. From this orientation, survivors can begin to challenge themselves to let the partner be freer in expressions of passion and sexual activities. Remember, you can stop at any time. Honest communication, respect, and emotional intimacy are still understood as more important than what goes on sexually.
Denise and Robert, another couple, invented a system for initiating sex that felt more balanced and was comfortable for both of them. They decided to take turns with initiating. Denise is responsible for initiating sex, then the next time it’s Robert’s turn. When an initiation is made, regardless of whether the other person accepts, it counts as a turn. As Denise explained:
Alternating like this helps me to feel safe and able to keep out of my “here he comes again” and “that’s all he ever wants” trap. Once Robert has initiated, I know that nothing will happen again unless I want it to. This arrangement gives me the opportunity to have proactive power over my own pleasure—I don’t get to have any fun unless I choose it. So I get to practice choosing to have pleasure. And it gives Robert a sense of having some control finally.
In our long abstinence period nobody initiated anything. In the relearning touch exercises, the process was still guided by my pace and comfort level. Now Robert also gets opportunities to express his desire.
As survivors challenge themselves to go along and explore sexual experiences that partners initiate, something wonderful can start to happen. You may find that you enjoy the new energy that your partner brings into the sexual experiences. Your partner may introduce you to something new that you like! And you may enjoy experiencing your partner feeling freer and more alive. “I’m learning to think of his sexual energy as his delight, not my obligation,” a survivor said.
Eventually, even with the conditions necessary for continued sexual healing, intimate relationships can feel more balanced and equal.
Sex is something my partner and I share when we both want to. We communicate now and take our time. We’re responsible and playful with each other. Sex is beautiful and fun.
As survivors feel more relaxed and confident during sex, they may find themselves enjoying sex in ways they never thought possible before.
Lately when my partner and I have sex, it feels like we’re creating a dance together. We touch each other gently and easily. We move to the same rhythm. Neither of us pulls back or presses forward for the next step. We stay in the moment with each other. I’m open to the whole experience. Since I’ve let go of fear, I’ve been able to feel more love for my partner during sex.
As new, richly rewarding sexual experiences accumulate, old memories and negative associations naturally fade into the past. People who have taken sexual healing journeys often tell me sex has changed so much it’s hard to imagine the old anxieties they once felt. An incest survivor shared:
I’ve reached a “new normal” with sex. I’m comfortable with nudity, teasing, flirting, touching, making out, passionate intercourse, and much more. The fears I had about sex before seem like they were in another life. I’ve learned that sex is not how you first learned it. It is what you make it to be.
THE JOYS OF SEXUAL HEALING
It’s a wonderful feeling to overcome hurts from the past and to reclaim sexuality as good and healthy for ourselves. It’s amazing how flexible and resilient survivors can be. “Through all the fear, horror, and hard work, I’ve gained tremendous strength, hope, and serenity,” a survivor said.
Sexual healing may be painful, confusing, and challenging. It can take a long time. But the rewards make all the effort worth it.
It’s been an extremely difficult row to hoe. I may never “get it” fully. But my taste of real, true sexuality reminds me how worth it the struggle is. Sex is wonderful, exciting—a gift of the universe. Any of us would be foolish not to learn how to accept it, experience it, and appreciate it. As a survivor, I’ve been cheated from this gift most of my life, but I am changing that dynamic: I’ve taken control of my sexuality for myself.
As you move forward in your sexual healing, remember you are not traveling alone. A large and growing number of survivors and intimate partners of survivors are on this journey as well. Therapeutic and social support exists to help you. Together we all are learning to separate the pain and sadness of sexual abuse from the incredible pleasure and joy of healthy sexuality. Each of us along this path is creating our own new, individual meaning for sex, healthy and enjoyable enough to last the rest of our lifetimes.