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abuse-related behaviors, 164–200
abusive sexual fantasies or pornography, 174–76, 185
acting in sexually demanding or exploitive ways, 178–79
avoiding sex, 169–70
breaking free of, 179–200
checklist of, 166–67
combining sex and emotional or physical abuse, 172–73
compulsive masturbation, 176–77
faking sexual enjoyment, 170–71
having sex when not fully alert, 173–74
having sex when you don’t want to, 171–72
promiscuous sex, 177–78
relating to past abuse, 165–79
sex outside primary relationship, 178
acceptance of triggers, 160–61
accepting fact of sexual abuse, 206–9
acknowledging pain of abuse, 208–9
building trust, 209
resolving feelings from disclosure, 206–8
acknowledging past sexual abuse, 28–56
importance of, 28–30
overcoming blocks to, 34–44
remembering abuse, 4, 29, 44–49
telling others, 49–56, 162–63
understanding sexual abuse, 30–34
acquaintance rape, defined, 31
acting-out sexual behaviors, 110–12
active awareness, 249–51, 285
active role in sex, 197–98
adopting out the automatic reaction, 162–63
“adopting the role,” 122–23
affairs
as abuse-related behavior, 178
intimate partners and, 22, 24, 111, 178
affirmations, 126, 127, 157
aggression (aggressive behaviors), 144, 178–79
AIDS, 22, 178, 196
Alcoholics Anonymous, 26, 26n, 49–50, 155, 185
alcohol use, 168, 281n
alert, having sex when not fully, 173–74
altering triggers, 158–60
American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT), 281n
amnesia, traumatic, 45
anger
at partner’s request for sex, 19
about sexual abuse, 8, 24
anxiety
creating unnecessary, 309
of intimate partners, 23
sexual functioning problems and, 66, 282–83, 293, 298–99
as trigger for sexual response, 42
as triggers to automatic reactions, 141–42
arousal difficulties, xix–xx, 290–94
assertiveness, 128–29, 286
asthma, 4
attitudes about sex
changing, 100–104
new, 236–37
sexual abuse mind-set. See sexual abuse mind-set
Sexual Effects Inventory and, 60–61
audiotapes, resources, 333–34
automatic reactions, 135–63, 291
avoiding and defusing triggers of, 154–55, 221, 296
experiencing, 140–44
handling, 155–63, 237
identifying triggers of, 147–54
nature of, 135–36
recognizing, 136–40
Sexual Effects Inventory and, 61–62
understanding relationship to past abuse, 144–47
avoiding sex, 169–70
awareness of sexual issues, 15–27
“I’m acting in strange ways that don’t make sense,” 17–20
“My partner is hurting,” 22–24
“My sexual problem isn’t getting any better,” 20–22
“New circumstances have made me more aware,” 24–27
badness, feelings of, 107–12
Baker, Joyce, 256n
Bass, Ellen, 5, 49, 211n, 236n, 304
Baur, Karla, 132n, 248n, 295n
Bear, Euan, 105
being in your body, 129–33
betrayal of a trusted relationship, 33
biases, holding onto, 40–44
biological sex drive, 95–96
blaming the victim, 4, 43–44
Blank, Joani, 297n
blinders, to sex roles, 193–94
blocks to recognizing sexual abuse, 34–44
confusion about special nature of abuse, 36–40
personal biases and discounts as, 40–44
sharing with others, 49–56
unsureness of how to evaluate experiences, 35–36
body
awareness exercises. See body awareness exercises
fears of viewing, 130–31
“My body responded,” 42, 110, 123–24, 146–47
reclaiming your, 129–33
body awareness exercises, 268–73
cleansing, 269
genital exploration, with partner, 273
getting to know your genitals, 271–72, 292–93
reclaiming your body, 270
shampooing hair, 268
body massage with partner exercise, 274–75
books, recommended, 317–27
Boss, Suzie, 94n, 139n, 159n
boundaries
developing sense of, 133
moral, 93–94
breasts, 131–32
breaths (breathing), 157, 247
bribery, 91–92
Bridges, Todd, 52
bridging technique, 252–54
Briere, John, 139n
Brown, Scott, 52
Buechner, Frederick, 96n
building safety exercises, 260–64
hand-to-heart, 263–64
safe embrace, 261
safe embrace to touching, 262
safe nest, 260
Burke, Cheryl, 52
calming down, 157
CERTS (consent, equality, respect, trust, and safety), 86, 86n
chain of automatic reactions, 140–44
Chase, Loretta, 102n
chemical addiction
of intimate partners, 223–24
as symptom of sexual abuse, 4, 25, 168
child sexual abuse
defined, 31
rates, xix
circulatory problems, as cause of sexual problems, 281n
cleansing exercise, 269
clean-slate philosophy of life, 127–28
clitoris, 131, 271, 284, 290–92
clothing
in bridging technique, 253
cross-dressing, 119–20
comfort zone for sexual activity, 309–13
commodity view of sex, 90–92, 102, 114–15, 229
communication
applying what you learn, 232–35
building trust in, 209
discussing healthy sex with others, 103–4
discussion topics for healing together, 233
in initiating and declining sex exercise, 288–89
with intimate partner, 206–9, 230–35, 306–7
listening to learn, 231–32
recommended books, 324–25
sex as, 99
sharing abuse with others, 162–63, 206–9
talking during sex, 197–98
compensatory behaviors, 120–21
compulsive masturbation, 22, 176–77, 298
compulsive sexuality
as abuse-related behavior, 177–78
lack of sexual interest and, 285–86
as physical reaction, 138
recommended books, 102n, 320–22
as sign of problem, 21–22
confrontations of offender, 236
confusion, about nature of sexual abuse, 36–40
consent, 32–33, 41
consent, equality, respect, trust, and safety (CERTS), 86, 86n
control
to avoid automatic reactions, 144
by others, in sexual abuse, 115
over automatic reactions. See automatic reactions
overcontrol by survivor, 313–14
sex as uncontrollable, 87–89
coping with heightened emotions, 211–18
dilemma of survivor, 216–17
emotional vulnerability of survivor, 212
new challenges for partners, 212–15
personal issues of partners, 215–16
teaming up in, 217–18
courtship, 195–96, 286
creative problem solving, 251–54, 285
bridging technique, 252–54
shift-back technique, 251–52
criminal behavior, as symptom of sexual abuse, 25
Crooks, Robert, 132n, 295n
cross-dressing, 119–20
crystallizing of experience, 145, 291
cultural messages. See also sex role expectations
avoiding harmful, 102–3
biases against homosexuality, 122–25
against direct focus on sexual concerns, 2–3
sexual abuse mind-set and, 86
touch and sexual identity, 228
damaged goods, false label of, 116–18
date rape, defined, 31
dating, 195–96, 286
Davis, Laura, 5, 49, 211n, 236n, 304
declining sex, 287
exercise, 288–89
deep tissue massages, 247, 247n
denial
of feelings, 21
by perpetrator of abuse, 36–38
by survivor of abuse, 40–44, 67, 184
developmental stages, 190
diabetes, as cause of sexual problems, 281n
Dimock, Peter, 105
discovering your triggers exercise, 150–54
dissociation, 142, 145–46, 237. See also automatic reactions
dizziness, 4
double-survivor couples, 209, 216, 219–20, 238
drawing on body exercise, 259
DVDs, resources, 333–34
dyspareunia, 299–303
eating disorders, as symptom of sexual abuse, 4, 25
e-mail messages, obscene, defined, 31
embarrassment, about sexual abuse, 4, 50–51
emotional abuse, combining sex with, 172–73
emotional automatic reactions, 137
emotional vulnerability of survivor, 212
erectile dysfunction, xix–xx, 282–83, 290–94
erotica, positive, 102–3, 102n
ethical responsibilities, 98
euphoria, 138
excitement stage, of sexual response cycle, 284
exercise, for learning to be in your body, 129–33
exercise, practice initiating and declining sex, 288–89
exercises, for relearning touch, 254–79, 285
body awareness, 268–73
building safety, 260–64
initiating and guiding contact, 265–67
playful touch, 256–59
pleasuring, 274–79, 292–93
exhibitionism (or exposure), defined, 31
extramarital affairs, 22, 24, 111, 178
eye makeup, as bridging technique, 253
failure, fear of, 73
fainting, 4
faking sexual enjoyment, 170–71
false beliefs, holding on to biases and discounts, 40–44
false ideas about sex, 87–94
sex has no moral boundaries, 93–94
sex is a commodity, 90–92, 102, 114–15, 229
sex is hurtful, 89–90
sex is secretive, 92–93
sex is uncontrollable, 87–89
false labels for self, 107–18
“I’m a sexual object,” 112–15
“I’m basically bad,” 107–12
“I’m damaged goods,” 116–18
fantasies. See sexual fantasies
fear(s)
of change, 100–101
compulsive sexuality and, 22
identifying and taming, 72–74
of reclaiming sexuality, 72–74
of sex, 285–86
of sharing sexual abuse, 4, 53–54
of viewing your body, 130–31
feelings
awareness of, 307
of badness, 107–12
about beginning sexual journey, 3
coping with heightened emotions, 211–18
denial of, 21
about disclosing sexual abuse, 206–8
numbing, 146, 290
about sexual abuse, 4, 8, 191, 236, 307
surrendering to sensation exercise, 311–12
unconscious projections of partners, 222–23
unconscious projections of survivors, 220–22
Fields, Rich, 99n
Finkelhor, David, 5, 122–23
flashbacks, 62, 75, 142–43, 148, 159–60, 237. See also automatic reactions
Fletcher, Lynne Yamaguchi, 51
food addictions, 4
forced sex, 89–90
forcing memories of abuse, 45–47
friendships
of partner with offender, 224
vacation from sex and, 193–95
frigid, use of term, 138n
furthering sexual healing, 305–15
adjusting better to realities of recovery, 306–9
allowing intimate partners more freedom in sex, 313–15
creating new and more pleasurable sexual experiences, 309–13
Gandhi, Mahatma, xvii
gay bashing, defined, 32
gender attacks, defined, 32
gender identity, 118–25
genitals
genital exploration with partner exercise, 273
genital pleasuring with partner exercise, 274–79
genital pleasuring exercises, 274–79, 292–93
getting to know your genitals exercises, 271–72, 292–93
getting to know your genitals exercise, 271–72, 292–93
Gibran, Kahlil, 15
goals, for reclaiming sexuality, 74–77
going along with what is happening, 146–47
gradual sexual abuse, 38
grooming victims, 38
ground rules for sexual encounters, 197–200, 287
giving yourself permission to say no to sex, 198–99
having sex only when you want, 197
taking active role in sex, 197–98
guiding contact exercises. See initiating and guiding contact exercises
guilt, and compulsive sexuality, 22
hallucinations, sensory, 143
hand clapping exercise, 258
hand hug, 272
handling automatic reactions, 155–63, 237
affirming present reality, 157
calming yourself, 157
choosing new response, 157–60
stopping and becoming aware, 156–57
hand-to-heart exercise, 263–64
harmful sex, support for stopping, 183
Hawkins, Paula, 52
healing energy, sex as, 96–97, 101
healing vacation from sex. See vacation from sex
healthy sex, 95–99, 164–200
breaking free of abuse-related behaviors, 179–200
changing sexual abuse mind-set and, 100–104
as conscious and responsible, 98
consent, equality, respect, trust, and safety (CERTS), 86, 86n
discussing with others, 103–4
as expression of love, 98–99
as healing energy, 96–97
learning more about, 104
as mutually desired, 99
as natural biological drive, 95–96
as nonaddictive, 89
as part of life, 97–98
relating present behaviors to past abuse, 165–79
sexual abuse mind-set versus, 84–86
heartbeats, listening to, 249
heart palpitations, 4
helplessness, 43, 88–89, 176
Holman, Beverly, 9n, 86n
home base, 248
homophobia, 122
honesty, 52, 56
Hopper, C. Leon, 95n
hormone deficiencies, as cause of sexual problems, 281n
human sex drive, 95–96
Hunter, Mic, 5
hurtful, 89–90, 116–17
“I am aware . . .” exercise, 249–50
identifying fears, 72–74
identifying sexual impact of abuse, 57–69. See also Sexual Effects Inventory
identifying triggers of automatic reactions, 147–54
identity. See also gender identity; sexual identity
loss of, 113–14
“I don’t want to be seen as a victim,” 50
“I liked it at the time,” 41–42
“I’ll be seen as less of a man,” 51–52
“I’ll lose social status as a woman,” 52–53
“I’m afraid of other people’s reactions,” 53–54
imagery rehearsal, 163
“I’m a sexual object,” 112–15
“I’m basically bad,” 107–12
“I’m damaged goods,” 116–18
“I’m embarrassed and ashamed of the abuse,” 50–51
impotence, 292–93
Sexual Effects Inventory and, 66
impulsivity, 88–89
incest, defined, 31
indirect sexual abuse, 30, 38–39
inhibited desire for sex, 285–90
initiating and declining sex exercise, 288–89
initiating and guiding contact exercises, 265–67
magic pen, 265–66
red light–green light, 267
injuries, physical, 117–18, 172–73
inner child, 126–27
interest, lack of sexual, 285–90
Internet-caused sexual addictions, 102n
Intimate Kisses: Poetry of Sexual Love and Intimate Kisses (Maltz, ed.), xxi, 102n, 236n
intimate partners, 201–39
accepting fact of sexual abuse, 206–9
adjusting to changes in touch and sexual relating, 187–97, 225–30
affairs and, 22, 24, 178
allowing more freedom in sex, 313–15
challenging unconscious projections, 220–25
changes of, 305
communication with, 206–9, 230–35, 306–7
coping with heightened emotions, 211–18
crisis in intimacy and, 199–204
in double-survivor couples, 209, 216, 219–20, 238
friendship with offender, 224
handling automatic reactions and, 161–63
learning about sexual abuse, 210–11
pain of, 22–24, 208–9, 215–16
reaching out for support, 218–20
recommended books, 324–25
relearning touch exercises with, 258, 259, 261–66, 268, 273, 274–75, 277–79
rewards of working together, 238–39
sexual addiction of, 222–23
Sexual Effects Inventory and, 65, 223n
in sexual healing journey, 5–6, 199, 201–39
unconscious projections and, 222–23
vacation from sex and, 188, 189, 192
working together as active healing team, 235–39
intrusive thoughts, 139–40
inventory. See Sexual Effects Inventory
“I offered no resistance,” 41
isolation, 169–70
“It was my fault,” 43–44
“It was no big deal,” 42–43
Ivory, Judith, 102n
“I was told not to tell,” 53
James, William, 83
Johnson, Don, 28–29, 40
Johnson, Robert, 123
Kaplan, Helen, 298n
Kegel exercises, 295, 300
Kennedy, Jill, 79, 252–53
Kleypas, Lisa, 102n
“knees and head” approach to sex, 1–2
labeling sexual abuse, 36–38
lack of sexual interest, 285–90
language
hard-core sexual, 178–79
using new, 103, 300
Larsen, H., 247n
learning about sexual abuse, 210–11
increasing understanding, 210–11
learning together, 210
legal definitions of sexual abuse, 32
Lemon, Don, 52
LeMond, Greg, 52
Leonard, Sugar Ray, 52
Lew, Mike, 5, 49, 211n
listening, 231–32
Long, Julie Anne, 102n
“losing your virginity,” 91
“lost” body parts, 131
Louganis, Greg, 52
love
expressing, 218
offering self sexually for, 114–15
sex as expression of, 98–99
lubrication
lack of vaginal, 290–94
personal lubricants, 276, 276n, 293, 301
lying, 110, 178
magic pen exercise, 265–66
male sexual abuse, 28–29, 40
having sex when you don’t want to, 171
resistance to sharing abuse, 51–52
sexual orientation and, 122–25
“Maltz Hierarchy of Sexual Interaction” (Maltz), 104n
marital rape, defined, 31
massages, 247, 247n
body massage with partner exercise, 274–75
massage vibrators, 297, 297n
masturbation
compulsive, 22, 176–77, 298
during vacation from sex, 229
McCarthy, Barry, 283
McGillis, Kelly, 52
meaning for sex. See new meaning for sex
meditation, 126, 127
memories of abuse, 4, 29, 44–49
exercises to stimulate, 48–49
fears of stimulating, 74
reason for memory loss, 45
sexual healing approaches to, 48–49
stimulating recollection, 45–47
trusting, 47–48
vacation from sex and, 191
Miller, Alice, 178n
mind-set, sexual abuse. See sexual abuse mind-set
minimizing sexual abuse, 40–44
mixed sexual messages, 18
molestation, defined, 31
moral boundaries, 93–94
Mulry, Gregory, 135
multiple sclerosis, as cause of sexual problems, 281n
Mura, David, 94n
muscle stretching, 247, 247n
mutuality
in healthy sex, 99
in sexual healing process, 204–39
“My abuse wasn’t as bad as other people’s,” 43
“My body responded,” 42, 110, 123–24, 146–47
name-calling, 116
new meaning for sex, 83–104
changing attitudes about sex, 100–104
false ideas about sex, 87–94
healthy ideas about sex, 95–99
sexual abuse mind-set versus, 84–86
new sexual attitudes, 236–37
NiCarthy, Ginny, 173n
Nin, Anaïs, 99
“no,” saying, 198–99
numbing, 146, 290
objectification, 112–15
obscene phone calls, defined, 31
online sex offender registries, xix
organizations, resources, 334–41
orgasm, 97–98
in abusive situations, 110
associating with abuse, 46–47
difficulty averting, 298–99
difficulty experiencing, 294–97
faking, 170–71
as goal of sexual activity, 198
as stage of sexual response cycle, 284
Pagaduan-Lopez, J., 247n
pain of abuse
acknowledging, 208–9
partner’s, 22–24, 208–9, 215–16
sex as hurtful, 89–90
panic reactions, 141–42, 237. See also automatic reactions
Parker, Rebecca, 97n
partners. See intimate partners
Partners in Healing (video), xx, 210n, 333
Passionate Hearts (Maltz, ed.), xxi, 102n, 236n
“patchwork survivor,” xvi–xviii
pelvic muscle strength, 295
pelvic pain, 4
penis, 132, 290–94
permanent physical damage, 117–18
personal biases, holding on to, 40–44
personal lubricants, 276, 276n, 293, 301
personal value, beliefs about. See false labels for self
petting, sexual, 198
Phillips, Susan Elizabeth, 102n
physical abuse, combining sex with, 172–73
physical automatic reactions, 137–39
plateau stage, of sexual response cycle, 284
Playboy, 91
playful touch exercises, 256–59
drawing on body, 259
hand clapping, 258
sensory basket, 256–57
pleasure, from stimulation, 41–42
pleasuring exercises, 274–79, 292–93
body massage, with partner, 274–75
genital pleasuring, 276
genital pleasuring, with partner, 277–79
pornography, xxi, 22, 91, 94, 94n, 168
abusive, 22, 174–76
to avoid automatic reactions, 144
avoiding exposure to, 102–3
Porn Trap, The (Maltz), xxi, 94n, 176n, 278n, 321
positive erotica, 102–3, 102n
positive self-talk, 295–96
positive sexual self-concept. See sexual self-concept
post-traumatic stress, 212
power
powerlessness of intimate partner, 212–15
sex as negative, 96–97
premature ejaculation, xix–xx, 298–99
prescription drugs, as cause of sexual problems, 281n
privacy, 31, 133, 260
Private Thoughts (Maltz), xx, 94n, 139n, 159n, 176n, 297n
problems with sex. See specific sexual problems
projections. See unconscious projections
promiscuity
as abuse-related behavior, 177–78
impact on intimate partner, 23
as sign of problem, 21–22
prostitution, 91, 114
rape laws, 52
rape rates, xix
rape trauma syndrome, 210
reactive sexual practices, 111–12
realistic goals, for reclaiming sexuality, 74–77
reclaiming sexuality, 70–79
fears in, 72–74
goals for, 74–77
reasons for, 71–72
for yourself, 77–79
reclaiming your body, 129–33
exercise, 270
recognizing sexual issues. See awareness of sexual issues
red light–green light exercise, 267
relapse prevention, 185–87
relaxation and rest techniques, 246–49, 284–85, 300
finding safe home base, 248
listening to heartbeats, 249
relaxing first, 246–47
resting when needed, 247–48
relearning touch, 243–79, 285
active awareness exercises, 249–51
body awareness exercises, 268–73
building safety exercises, 260–64
creative problem solving in, 251–54
critical skills for, 246–54
healthy continuum of touch experiences, 245–46
initiating and guiding contact exercises, 265–67
with intimate partner, 237–38, 258, 259, 261–66, 268, 273, 274–75, 277–79
playful touch exercises, 256–59
pleasuring exercises, 274–79
relationship between sex and touch in, 244–45
relaxation and rest techniques, 246–49
safe home base for, 248
Relearning Touch: Healing Techniques for Couples (video), xx, 254n, 333
remembering sexual abuse. See memories of abuse
repetition compulsion, 167–68
replays, 167–68
repressed memories, xviii–xix
residential treatment centers, 341–42
resistance, lack of, 41
Resnick, Stella, 312
resolution stage, of sexual response cycle, 284
resources, 317–42
rest techniques. See relaxation and rest techniques
ritual abuse, 113–14, 128, 191, 208
role models, finding positive, 133–34
routine situations, unusual reactions to, 17–20
rules for sexual encounters. See ground rules for sexual encounters
Russell, Diana, 5
Ryan, Regina, 97
sadistic sexual abuse
defined, 32
as hurtful, 89–90
safe embrace exercise, 261
safe embrace to touching exercise, 262
safe home base, 248
safe nest exercise, 260
safety exercises. See building safety exercises
“Santa Claus is watching you” phenomenon, 53
satanic rituals, 92
scars, 117–18
secondhand sexual abuse, 38–39
secrecy, 92–93
acknowledging past abuse, 49–50, 52–53
affairs and, 178
self-abusive behaviors, 4, 10, 183
self-awareness
of body. See body awareness exercises
of sexual issues. See awareness of sexual issues
self-denying behaviors, 20–22
self-esteem
healthy sex and, 96–97
problems with, 4, 147
seminars, 210–11
sensation retraining, 290–91
sensory basket exercise, 256–57
sensory hallucinations, 143
Sex Addicts Anonymous, 155
sex drive, 95–96
sex education and enrichment, recommended books, 322–24
“Sex is . . .” exercise, 84
sex role expectations
beliefs about gender and sexual orientation, 118–25
blinders to, 193–94
in masking sexual abuse, 39–40
sharing of female sexual abuse and, 52–53
sharing of male sexual abuse and, 51–52
touch and sexual identity, 228
vacation from sex and, 193–94
sexual abuse
accepting fact of, 206–9
acknowledging past. See acknowledging past sexual abuse
of boys, 28–29, 40, 51–52, 122–25
common types of, 31–32
defined, 30–34
feelings about, 191, 236
impact of, 2, 4, 105–7
information about, 4
labeling past events as, 2
learning about, 210–11
memories of. See memories of abuse
present behaviors relating to, 165–79
prevalence of, xix, 4
recovery from, 4. See also sexual healing journey
symptoms of, 3–5, 25
working definition of, 33–34
sexual abuse mind-set
changing attitudes about sex and, 100–104
false ideas about sex and, 87–94
nature of, 84–86
sexual acting out, 110–12
sexual addiction, 4
of intimate partners, 222–23
recommended books, 320–22
as sign of problem, 21–22
sexual arousal difficulties, 290–94
sexual assault, defined, 31
sexual behavior, and Sexual Effects Inventory, 63–64
Sexual Effects Inventory, 59–69
attitudes about sex, 60–61, 100–104
automatic reactions to touch and sex and, 62–63
importance of, 59
intimate partners and, 65, 223n
learning from, 67–69
sexual behavior, 63–64
sexual functioning problems, 66
sexual self-concept, 61–62
sexual encounter ground rules. See ground rules for sexual encounters
sexual exploitation, defined, 32
sexual fantasies, xx
abusive, 22, 174–76, 185
to avoid automatic reactions, 144
changing, 158–60
nature of, 161
orgasmic difficulties and, 297
sexual functioning problems, and Sexual Effects Inventory, 66
sexual harassment, defined, 32
sexual healing journey, 1–11
approaches to remembering sexual abuse, 48–49
beginning, 3, 7, 11
breaking free of abuse-related behaviors, 179–200
as dynamic process, 6–7
enjoying sexual experiences and, 304–15
fears in, 72–74
feelings about beginning, 3
general recovery from abuse and, 7–9
goals for, 74–77
with intimate partners, 5–6, 199, 201–39
reclaiming sexuality in, 70–79
relating present behaviors to past abuse, 165–79
sexual issues in, 7–9
for single people, 5, 200
special help for, 9–10
time needed for, 7
using this book for, 10–11
who can go on, 5–6
sexual identity, 105–34
beliefs about gender and sexual orientation, 118–25
beliefs about personal value, 107–18
beliefs and gender and sexual orientation, 118–25
false ideas about sex and, 116, 117
guidelines for improving sexual self-concept, 125–34
impact of sexual abuse on, 105–7
loss of, 113–14
touch and, 228
sexual interest
ambivalent feelings, 17–20
lack of, 285–90
sexual issues
awareness of, 15–27
in general healing from abuse, 7–9
identifying sexual impact of abuse, 57–69. See also Sexual Effects Inventory
“I’m acting in strange ways that don’t make sense,” 17–20
“My partner is hurting,” 22–24
“My sexual problem isn’t getting any better,” 20–22
“New circumstances have made me more aware,” 24–27
unresolved, 15–27
sexual love poems, xx, 102n
sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), xx, 22, 196
sexual objects, 112–15
sexual orientation, 121–25
sexual petting, 198
sexual pleasers, 114–15
sexual problems. See specific sexual problems
sexual response cycle, 284
sexual rights, 34
sexual self-concept, 125–34
adopting clean-slate philosophy of life, 127–28
developing sense of boundaries, 133
finding a voice, 128–29
finding role models, 133–34
improving, 125–34
learning to be in the body, 129–33
Sexual Effects Inventory and, 61–62
sexual violence, defined, 32
sex vacation. See vacation from sex
shame
compulsive sexuality and, 22
about sexual abuse, 50–51
shampooing hair exercise, 268
sharing abuse with others, 49–56, 206–9
adopting out the reaction, 162–63
blocks to, 50–54
sharing in safety and in steps, 54–57
shift-back technique, 251–52
Shrier, Diane, 123
single survivors
dating and, 195–96
friendship and, 193–95
sexual healing journey for, 5, 200
Smolover, Miriam, 70, 256n, 280
social isolation, 169–70
social networking forums, xix
social status, 52–53
spastic colon, 4
specific sexual problems, 280–303
anxiety and, 282–83
difficulty averting orgasm, 298–99
difficulty becoming aroused and feeling sensation, 290–94
difficulty experiencing orgasm, 294–97
difficulty with intercourse, for women survivors, 299–303
finding true cause of, 281–82
lack of sexual interest, 285–90
organic causes of, 281n
stages in sexual response cycle and, 284
spinal cord injuries, as cause of sexual problems, 281n
spirituality, 208, 311
stopping specific unwanted behaviors, 180–87
clarity on reasons for stopping, 182–83
realistic approach to, 183–85
relapse prevention, 185–87
support to stop harmful sex, 183
strange behavior, unexplainable, 17–20
stranger rape, defined, 31
stress
sexual functioning problems and, 66
as trigger for sexual response, 42, 88
Struthers, Sally, 79n
submission, 32–33, 41, 171
support groups. See therapy/support groups
surrender to sensation exercise, 311–12
taming fears, 72–74
therapists
finding certified, 281n
handling automatic reactions and, 161–63
in sexual healing journey, 9–10, 9n
therapy/support groups
couples therapy, 220
for intimate partners, 218–20
sharing abuse with, 54–55
for stopping harmful sex, 183
thoughts, intrusive, 139–40
touch
adjusting to changes in, 187–97, 225–30
automatic reactions to, 140–42
negative reactions to, 19–20
relationship between sex and, 244–45
relearning. See relearning touch
role in sexual abuse, 30
Sexual Effects Inventory and, 61–62
sexual petting, 198
touch continuum, 245–46
vacation from sex and, 191, 192–93, 227–30
when sex continues during healing process, 225–27
traumatic amnesia, 45
Travis, John, 97
trends and patterns in response, 67–68
triggers of automatic reactions
avoiding and defusing, 154–55, 221, 296
chain of automatic reactions and, 140–44
discovering your triggers exercise, 150–54
guidelines for handling, 155–63
identifying, 147–54
trust
building, 209
forced sex and, 90
in memories of abuse, 47–48
trusting memories of abuse, 47–48
Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, 26n
uncertainty
about evaluating specific experiences, 35–36
about nature of sexual abuse, 36–40
Uncle Buck (movie), 184
unconscious projections, 220–25
behaviors that mimic sexual abuse, 221, 223
feelings of survivor, 220–22
feelings of partner, 222–23
nature of, 221
what partners can do, 223–24
what survivor can do, 225
uncontrollable, sex as, 87–89
unusual behavior, unexplainable, 17–20
vacation from sex, 187–97
concluding, 196–97
creating your own, 188–89
healing sexual self in, 189–92
honoring, 228–30
impact of, 196–97
importance of, 187, 189
learning new approaches to relationships and touch in, 192–96
options in planning, 188–89
resolving abuse-related issues in, 192
touch and, 191, 192–93, 227–30
vaginal dilators, 300–303, 301n
vaginal lubrication, lack of, 290–94
vaginismus, 299–303
Van Derbur, Marilyn, 52
vibrators, massage, 297, 297n
victims
blaming, 4, 43–44
blocks to sharing with others, 49–56
combining sex and emotional or physical abuse, 172–73
grooming, 38
reclaiming sexuality for yourself, 77–78
videos, resources, 333–34
virginity, 91, 190
voice, finding your, 128–29
voyeurism, defined, 31
Walters, Barbara, 28–29
web sites, resources, 334–41
Wegscheider-Cruse, Sharon, 230–31
Weiss, Rob, 178n
Wellness Workbook (Travis and Ryan), 97
Wells, Barbara, 95n
West, Mae, 292
Whidden, Ann, 297n
Whitfield, Charles, 126n
Winfrey, Oprah, 52
Wisechild, Louise, 28
workshops, 210–11