The Callaghan sisters: Where are they now?
Meg Morton continues to live up North in the Lakes with her silent lumberjack husband, Danny Morton, and their youngest daughters, Eve and Polly. Their eldest daughter, Tess, is on an art foundation course at Central Saint Martins in London. She has a boyfriend called Ace and a tattoo. Meg still blames her aunt Lucy for all of it but deep down loves that her daughter has ended up in the city she grew up in, and is thankful she inherited her father’s artistic talents as she herself has problems drawing stick men. Danny and Meg are still very much in love. They’ve never been dogging. Honest.
Emma Callaghan-Kohli is still married to the very lovely Jag. She’s one of the most noted paediatric cardiac surgeons in the country, and recently went viral after one of her surgeries to separate conjoined twins went live on YouTube. She shares custody of her girls and Iris, her eldest, has recently decided she’d also like to study medicine at university. Her ex-husband, Simon, lives alone and his hairline is starting to recede quite badly, so much so that he decided to go for hair plug surgery, which now makes him look like carpet has died on his head. Her sisters still call him Satan.
Beth Callaghan turned forty this year and is still very tired. To celebrate this landmark birthday, she went to Glastonbury with all the family and sprang the huge surprise on them that she and Will, her long-time love, had also arranged to get married there (by a hippy called Zenith; no one knows if the ceremony is legally binding). Her sons, Joe and Jude, gave her away. Later that evening, she and the sisters managed to get a selfie with Beyoncé, who was in attendance. This was a peak sister moment and all of them have that selfie framed in prominent places. Jay-Z and the sisters’ dad got on very well.
Grace still lives in Bristol with her girls and still doesn’t understand the economic value of lingerie. She’s still with her boyfriend, Max, who cut the ponytail off for charity one year but grew it back as he looked naked without it. Her daughters still have matching haircuts but are different in every way. Maya is a keen footballer but she’s learnt not to bite kids who kick her. Every year, they all go on what they now call ‘The Big Tom Adventure’ where they find somewhere on a map and explore the hell out of it. Next year, they are meeting their Aunty Lucy in Japan so they can eat sushi and mochi for days.
Lucy. She’s had quite the six years. After her brush with death and that bus, she performed at a posh London party where a film producer was in attendance and liked how she had both guest banter and excellent improvisational skills when she forgot the words to songs. They kept in touch and he invited her down to an audition for a real-life version of Frozen that he was trying to cast. Someone called Ashley was at the audition. Ashley was really quite awful.
Lucy got the part. In fact, she nailed the thing, in a really good wig, and won the Golden Globe for Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical that year. She mainly made the headlines though as she swore twelve times on stage when she went to receive her award and then at the after-party was caught dancing quite inappropriately with Robert De Niro. She was nominated for an Oscar and took her mum to the ceremony. She lost to Meryl Streep (boo!) but when asked on the red carpet what she would do if she won, she swore again but said, quite mysteriously, that she had an Oscar so it didn’t really matter. Fact checkers were never able to understand what she meant and started romantically linking her to Brazilian footballer Oscar, for no discernible rhyme or reason.
Disney are trying hard to purify Lucy for their means as the kids love her to bits but it’s a battle they can’t seem to win. Naturally, the tabloid press have a field day with her too. She enjoys her new lifestyle and is attached to lots of different models, actors and rap stars but never seems to stop moving. People label her, the social media comments say all sorts and beg for her to stay with the one person and find some fairy-tale ending but she doesn’t care. She’s Lucy. She doesn’t buy into fairy tales. The media also love Lucy because she has no filter, she calls out injustice in Hollywood and has no reason to protect or respect people who treat her and others unfairly. At a table reading for her last film, she was caught on camera pinning an actor’s hand to a desk with her elbow after he tried to grope her. Said actor had to have two fingers in a cast for a month.
She currently is living in New York where she’s starring on Broadway playing Ophelia in Hamlet to critical acclaim. In her dressing room, she pins a card to her mirror from an Ophelia she once knew. New York isn’t home. Once her stint is over, Lucy is looking forward to returning to London, back to the home she grew up in, sitting around the Sunday roast table with her family and her tales of legend; her best one will involve a very famous actor from the Marvel franchise, a fire extinguisher, running away naked from the NYPD and her bra getting caught in a post box. She brings her cat everywhere with her. Disney paid her money to rename the cat. To the world, her name is Pearl but, behind closed doors, she is still called Pussy. She’s still the most miserable damn cat you’ll ever meet.
* * *
If Am I Allergic to Men? gave you all the feels, and you’re in the mood for more non-stop LOLs, then don’t miss out on Kristen’s incredible bestseller Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life? It’s an utterly hilarious and unmissable novel for anyone who has ever felt like they spend more time washing the dishes than getting lucky!