One Unseasonably Sunny Day in March

Boat-race day, and supporters

line up on the banks of the Thames

from Putney Pier to Chiswick Bridge.

What the race officials hadn’t expected,

nor television crews anticipated,

was the sudden and terrifying sight

of twenty or so crocodiles surfacing

beneath Barnes Bridge and swimming

downriver towards the oncoming boats.

Both crews, their backs to the danger

and misinterpreting the horror-stricken faces

of the coxes, increased the stroke-rate.

‘Crocogators!’ portmanteaued the crowd.

Too late. The first met the leading boat

(light blue, as it happens) head on.

It rose like a praying mantis, before overturning.

The plucky would-have-been runners-up

met the same fate three strokes later.

A giant saltwater captured on Eel Pie Island

some days after the carnage could offer

no assistance regarding the police enquiry.