2WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS?
Conflicts grow out of our uniqueness. Not only are males and females different, but each individual male and female is unique. Part of our uniqueness is genetically based. These genetic differences are most observable in our physical characteristics. No two fingerprints are exactly alike. Each person has unique facial characteristics. This is typically what allows us to recognize one another. Other differences are nonphysical. They sometimes fall into the category of what is commonly called personality differences. Though you can’t observe these differences by simply looking at a person, they are just as real. When we use the words introvert and extrovert, we are describing a personality difference. Our differences also show in the way we perform the necessary tasks of daily life, such as loading a dishwasher, squeezing a tube of toothpaste, or hanging a roll of toilet paper. We have different ideas on how to raise children, how to drive a car, how to spend our leisure time, and a thousand other aspects of life. It is because of our differences that we experience conflicts, but I don’t know anyone who would like to eradicate our differences and make us all clones.
The answer to conflict resolution is not in seeking to rid ourselves of our differences but in learning how to make our differences into assets rather than liabilities. The goal of a good marriage is for a couple to learn how to work together as a team, utilizing differences to make life better for both spouses. Resolving conflicts is one method by which we develop this teamwork. Sometimes, we don’t even know what our differences are until a conflict arises.
When I use the word conflict, I’m not talking about simple disagreements such as her favorite color is blue, his favorite color is yellow. That is not a conflict; it is simply a difference of opinion or preference. Conflicts are disagreements in which both spouses feel strongly and their differing opinions affect their behavior, causing disharmony in the relationship. Now, if the wife’s preference for blue and the husband’s preference for yellow is applied to painting the bathroom, their strongly held differences might erupt into a conflict in which they try to convince each other to paint the room a particular color. Conflicts can erupt in any area of life: driving, eating, money, sex, in-laws, spirituality, leisure time, and child rearing, to mention a few. Conflicts are not necessarily bad —and they’re inevitable in every marriage. For one simple reason, it is impossible to be married and not have conflicts: You are married to a person and every person is unique. In marriage, our objective is not to get rid of conflicts, but rather to resolve conflicts and thereby learn how to work in harmony, as teammates, toward mutual objectives.
When I mentioned the conflict over what color to paint the bathroom, my mind flashed back to a young couple I counseled several years ago. Jerry and Iris had been married for two years and considered themselves to be in the spring season of their relationship; that is, until they decided to repaint their small apartment. They readily agreed upon the color for each room, until they came to the bathroom. He wanted blue and she wanted green. They were surprised to find themselves arguing passionately over something that they both realized was ultimately quite trivial. Yet they both felt so strongly about their opinions that, after a few rounds of argument, they agreed to go for counseling.
“We’re actually ashamed to be here,” Iris said. “This seems like such a trivial matter, but it has become very divisive in our marriage. And we don’t want to end up fighting over what color to paint the bathroom.”
With an apologetic shrug, Jerry said, “I bet you’ve never had a couple come to see you about what color to paint the bathroom.”
I smiled and said, “Well, let’s lay it on the table and look at it.” Turning to Iris, I said, “I’m sure you’ve told Jerry all the reasons why you would like the bathroom painted green. So, why don’t you share those reasons with me?” She ran through her list and I took notes. When she was finished, I said, “That makes a lot of sense. I can understand why you would feel that way.” She seemed relieved.
Next, I turned to Jerry and said, “I’m sure you have equally valid reasons why you would like the bathroom painted blue. So, why don’t you share those with me?” When Jerry had shared his reasons, I repeated my response: “What you’re saying makes a lot of sense. I can understand why you would like to have the bathroom painted blue.” Jerry seemed relieved that I would agree with him, but Iris looked perplexed. She said, “But you agreed with both of us, and that doesn’t solve our conflict.”
“You are right,” I responded. “But I don’t think either of you is actually looking for a solution. You are still in the arguing mode and have not yet moved to the resolution mode.”
“What do you mean?” Iris said.
“How did you feel when I affirmed your list of reasons for painting the bathroom green?” I asked.
“It felt good,” she said. “It felt like you were respecting my ideas.”
I looked at Jerry and asked, “How did you feel when I affirmed your ideas as making sense and told you I could understand why you would like to have the bathroom blue?”
“I felt like you were hearing me,” he said, “like what I said made sense to you.”
“What I did for each of you is what you have not yet done for each other,” I said. “You have each argued your own position, but you have not affirmed the other person’s ideas.” I turned again to Jerry and asked, “Can you honestly say to Iris what I said to her? ‘What you’re saying makes a lot of sense. I can understand why you would want the bathroom painted green.’ I think her ideas made a lot of sense. Do you agree?”
“Yes,” he said, “but I like my ideas better.”
“That’s understandable, but would you be willing to affirm her ideas by saying something similar to what I just said to her?”
“You mean now?”
“Yes, now would be a good time.”
Jerry looked at Iris and said, “What you’re saying makes sense to me. I can see why you would want the bathroom painted green. And besides that, I love you,” he added with a smile. Both Iris and I smiled as well.
“Okay, that’s a good start,” I said. “And now, Iris, could you honestly make that statement to Jerry?”
She nodded at me and turned to face Jerry. “What you’re saying also makes sense. And I can understand why you would want to have the bathroom painted blue. And I love you, too,” she said.
“Now I think you are ready to look for a resolution,” I said. “You are no longer enemies; you are two friends trying to solve a problem. So, what are the options?”
“We could paint it green,” Jerry offered.
“Or, we could paint it blue,” Iris said. “Or we could mix blue and green together and paint it aqua.”
“I can think of another possibility,” I added. “You could paint some walls blue and some walls green.”
“I hadn’t thought of that,” Iris said.
“Neither had I,” said Jerry.
“I’ve never seen a bathroom with two colors,” said Iris.
“Neither have I,” I interjected, “but it would be unique, wouldn’t it? You would probably get lots of comments about it.”
“I like that idea,” Iris said. “What do you think, Jerry?”
“I think it’s a great idea. We will have the most unique bathroom in the development. And when the neighbors ask us why the two colors, we can tell them about our conflict and how we resolved it.”
“You might even save them a visit to a counselor,” I said.
When a couple learn to resolve conflicts in this manner, when they work together to understand, encourage, and support each other, marriage becomes beautiful. The ancient Hebrew proverb “Two are better than one” becomes a reality.[3] Their deep, emotional need for companionship is met. They are connected with each other emotionally. They approach life with a sense of harmony and together will accomplish far more than either of them could accomplish alone.
On the flip side, unresolved conflicts become barriers to harmony. Life becomes a battlefield and husbands and wives become enemies. By means of verbal bombshells, they fight the same battles over and over again, inflicting injuries that push them even further apart emotionally. After an unrelenting series of unresolved conflicts, a husband might say, “We are just not compatible; we shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. We are like night and day. I don’t see how we can ever get it together.” His wife might respond, with tears flowing down her face, “How could it come to this when we enjoyed being with each other so much when we were dating? I don’t understand where we went wrong.” The academic answer to her question is simple: They never learned to resolve conflicts. Perhaps they never anticipated conflict. In the euphoria of the “in love” experience, couples seldom recognize differences and can hardly imagine serious disagreements.
The good news is that any couple can learn to resolve conflicts. I emphasize the word learn. The skill of conflict resolution does not come simply with the passing of time. As surely as you can learn to ride a bicycle, drive a car, or use a computer, you can learn how to resolve conflicts. It will require you to change some of your attitudes, learn to listen, treat your spouse with respect, and negotiate solutions, but it can be done. I’m not saying it will be easy, but the rewards for success are phenomenal.
Why is it so important to resolve conflicts? As one husband put it, “It’s the difference between heaven and hell. For years, we were both miserable. But when we finally began learning how to resolve conflicts, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now I know what it’s like to be married and happy. I can’t believe we waited so long to get help.”
PUTTING THE PRINCIPLES INTO PRACTICE
- What are some of the differences between you and your spouse that have caused conflicts?
- In what way might these differences become assets if you learn to resolve conflicts and work as a team?
- Conflicts that are resolved in a positive way create intimacy. Can you think of a recent conflict that you resolved in a positive way? What made the resolution positive? If a recent conflict wasn’t resolved in a positive way, what kept you from reaching a resolution?