3IT’S ALL ABOUT ATTITUDE

Often the difference between resolving conflicts and arguing is attitude. Why do people argue? In one word, rigidity. We adopt a rigid attitude and dig in our heels. In essence we’re saying, “My way is the right way, and if you don’t do it my way, then I will make your life miserable.” This is the attitude of an arguer, a person who insists on getting his or her own way.

Conflict resolvers have a different attitude. They say, in effect, “I’m sure we can work this out in a way that will be positive for both of us. Let’s think about it together.” Spouses who adopt this attitude are looking for a win-win resolution.

Let’s revisit Bob and Jill from chapter 1, who were arguing about Monday Night Football. Obviously, each of them saw the other’s position as unreasonable. They created a miserable evening by arguing and were left with a huge barrier between them. But with a different attitude, the outcome could have been totally different.

What if Jill had chosen an attitude of accommodation? She might have said, “Bob, I know you really enjoy Monday Night Football. It’s a way for you to unwind from the stresses of the day. On the other hand, I’m beginning to feel lonely and shut out of your life. That’s not a feeling I want to have. So, at your convenience, I’d like for us to talk about it and look for a solution. I’m sure we can work it out. I love you very much, and I don’t want this to come between us.”

If Bob had chosen a conflict resolver’s attitude, he might have responded, “Honey, you’re right. I really do enjoy Monday Night Football, but I also value our relationship more than anything in the world. I want to meet your needs, and I’m sure we can find a solution that will be good for both of us. Why don’t we talk about it at halftime?” The evening could have been pleasant for both Bob and Jill, and they likely would have found a solution that met their needs.

AN ATTITUDE OF RESPECT

Finding a winning solution begins by choosing to believe that such a solution is possible and that you and your spouse are smart enough to discover it. It begins when you recognize that you are married to another human being who is created in the image of God and is thus extremely valuable. It begins when you choose to treat your spouse as a person of worth. Starting with an attitude of respect predisposes that a couple will find a resolution to their conflict rather than put each other down with condemning arguments.

We recognize that all human beings are unique and that our differences do not diminish our worth. Thus, we choose to treat our spouses with dignity and respect. This means we will not seek to convince our spouses to be like us, to agree with all our opinions. We will give them the freedom to think and feel differently, and we will always respect their thoughts and feelings. When we choose an attitude of respect toward our spouses, we are less likely to allow ourselves to get caught up uttering condemning, harsh, cruel words.

Remember Jerry and Iris, who were having difficulty resolving their conflict about what color to paint the bathroom? What they discovered in the course of our counseling together was the calming effect of respecting each other’s opinions. Both Jerry and Iris articulated their opinions very clearly, and they genuinely felt that their opinions were more valid than their spouse’s. It was not until they expressed respect for each other’s ideas that they moved from attack mode to resolution mode. As long as couples put down each other’s ideas and judge them as less worthy, they are not likely to find a satisfactory resolution. But when they choose an attitude of respecting each other’s ideas, even though they disagree with them, they create a climate in which they can look for a resolution together.

AN ATTITUDE OF LOVE

Another characteristic of conflict resolvers is that they choose an attitude of love. As one wife expressed it, “I am committed to my husband’s well-being. I want to do everything I can to enrich his life and help him accomplish his objectives in life.” If her husband has the same attitude toward her, then together they will find resolutions to their conflicts that will be beneficial to both of them. Selfishness is the opposite of love. Selfish people seek to impose their will on others. What is important to them is “getting my way.” Lovers, on the other hand, seek to do those things that are most helpful for their spouses.

I saw an attitude of love graphically demonstrated when I visited John and Betsy. They had recently moved to our city and had visited our church. During our conversation, I discovered that they had lost a three-year-old son in a tragic boating accident a year earlier. They had two other children, who were now five and seven, and they told me that Betsy was now pregnant.

“Being a marriage counselor, Gary, I think you will find this interesting,” Betsy said. “Our decision to have another child did not come easily. John really did not want another child, but I was strongly in favor of having another one.”

I looked at John and he said, “The pain was so deep when we lost Josh that I couldn’t bear the thought of going through that again. I was happy with the two children we had left and wanted to invest my time with them.”

“I can understand that,” I said.

Betsy continued, “I felt that my loss was so deep that I could never find healing without another baby. It was a real conflict between the two of us.”

“So how did you resolve the issue?” I asked.

“We both respected each other’s position,” said John. “I knew that she really wanted to have another baby, and she knew that I didn’t. And we knew that each of us was sincere.”

“We prayed for God’s wisdom,” Betsy said. “One day while I was praying, God brought to my mind the story of Abraham offering his son Isaac on the altar to God. I knew that Abraham did that because of his deep love for God. Then a question came to my mind: ‘Do I love John enough to offer my as-yet-unconceived child on the altar?’ I’ve never loved anyone like I love John. He is a wonderful husband and father. I knew that my answer was yes. So I told John about my prayer and what God had brought to my mind, and I wanted him to know that I was willing to not have another child because I loved him so much.”

“I cried like a baby when she told me that,” John said. “Maybe it was the pent-up grief within me, but I sobbed uncontrollably for thirty minutes. I felt so overwhelmed by Betsy’s love. I didn’t say anything that night. I just cried and hugged Betsy. The next day, I went to work and reflected on what had happened. I was overcome by a deep sense of my love for Betsy, and I knew in my heart that I could never deprive her of having another child. I went home that night and told her that I wanted us to have another child. She was confused at first, because she knew how adamant I had been, but before the evening was over, she realized that my heart had sincerely changed and I wanted us to have another baby. So, as you can imagine,” he said, “we’re excited about the baby that is now inside Betsy’s womb.”

I nodded affirmingly as my eyes filled with tears. Finally, when I was able to speak, I said, “I don’t know when I have ever seen such a deep demonstration of love. I think God has great plans for this child.”

Love does not demand its own way but seeks the well-being of the one loved. It is an attitude of love that moves us toward resolving conflicts. The attitude of demanding our own way leads only to arguments.

AN ATTITUDE OF TOGETHERNESS

In the world of sports, success depends on teamwork. Whether in football, basketball, or auto racing, every team member has a job. When team members coordinate their efforts, they are more likely to meet their goals. Marriage is a team of two: a man and a woman. From a Christian perspective, the purpose of marriage is to process life together for the glory of God. Marriage is not about “me and my happiness.” Marriage is about two people discovering and accomplishing God’s plans for their lives.

A husband and wife bring an assortment of abilities to their marriage. When they see themselves as teammates, they realize that their game plan is not to compete against each other but to cooperate. It is this attitude of togetherness that creates a climate in which conflicts can be resolved. Conflicts are inevitable, but if a couple is committed to working together as a team, they can tackle the problem and not each other. An attitude of togetherness says, “We will not let this defeat us. We will find an answer.”

Chuck and Rhonda had a major conflict over the behavior of their two-year-old son, Caleb. Chuck thought that the best way to discipline Caleb was to spank him. After all, that is what his own parents had done with him, and he had turned out all right. Rhonda thought that spanking was barbaric. She never remembered being spanked by her parents. My first question was “Do you want Caleb to have two parents or one?”

“Well, two,” said Chuck as Rhonda nodded affirmingly.

“Of course,” I continued. “Do you want each of those two parents to do what is right in his or her own eyes, or do you want them to have the same game plan?”

“We’ve got to get on the same page,” Chuck said. “What we’ve been doing is not working. It is destroying our marriage.”

“It tears me apart when he spanks Caleb,” Rhonda said.

“I don’t want him to grow up to be irresponsible,” Chuck said.

“I don’t either,” Rhonda replied.

“The two of you seem to have the same goal in mind,” I observed. “You both want Caleb to grow up to be a responsible young man.” Chuck and Rhonda both nodded in agreement. “The conflict lies in the method of reaching that goal. Can we agree that you are teammates and not enemies?”

“Lately we’ve been acting like enemies,” Rhonda said, “but I think both of us want to be teammates.”

“It’s fundamental that the two of you affirm that attitude,” I said, “because if you continue to be enemies, Caleb will likely grow up to be irresponsible. Now, I’d like for you to hold hands and repeat after me . . .”

They both seemed a little shocked, but Chuck reached over and took Rhonda’s hand.

“We are teammates,” I said.

Chuck and Rhonda repeated, “We are teammates.”

“Do you believe that?” I asked.

“Yes,” they said in unison.

“Then let’s get started.”

I gave them a reading assignment for the following week. They were to explore how other couples feel about spanking and to discover what child-development experts have written on the subject. After Chuck and Rhonda did their research and we discussed their findings at some length, Chuck came to understand that there is more than one way to discipline a child, and Rhonda learned that spanking administered in the context of love is not as barbaric as she had assumed. Ultimately, they decided on three levels of response to Caleb’s disobedient behavior: Level 1 was verbal reprimand; Level 2 was loss of privileges; Level 3 was spanking. They agreed to observe which type of discipline seemed to work best in changing Caleb’s behavior. They also agreed that they would continue reading and would attend a parenting class for parents of preschoolers that was offered at their church. It was the attitude of togetherness that provided the foundation on which Chuck and Rhonda were able to build a positive plan of discipline for their son. Without this attitude, they might still have been arguing when Caleb was twelve.

In summary, it is an attitude of respect, love, and togetherness that leads to resolving conflicts. The good news is that we can —and do —choose our attitudes daily. Unfortunately, our default mode is selfishness, which leads us to proclaim, “My way is the right way.” By nature, we are all self-centered, and that is why arguments are so common in marriage. However, with the help of God, we can choose an attitude of respect, love, and togetherness. Many of the couples I have worked with have found it helpful to put the following statements on an index card and post it in a prominent place in order to help them choose a winning attitude each day:

Choosing an attitude of respect, love, and togetherness leads us to listen carefully to one another. In the next chapter, we’ll discuss how to listen empathetically.

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PUTTING THE PRINCIPLES INTO PRACTICE

  1. Memorize the following and use it with your spouse the next time you have a conflict: “I’m sure we can work this out in a way that will be positive for both of us. Let’s talk about it. What are your ideas?”
  2. Expressing respect for your spouse’s ideas creates a positive atmosphere. Memorize the following statement and use it with your spouse the next time you have a conflict: “What you are saying makes sense to me. Now, let me share my thoughts and see if they make sense to you.”
  3. Selfish people seek to impose their ideas on others. Loving people seek to do what is best for others. Rate yourself by placing an X on the line where it best indicates your attitude toward your spouse:

    Selfish _____________________ Loving

  4. Having an attitude of respect, love, and togetherness makes it possible to find win-win solutions to conflicts. How open are you to changing your attitudes?