4CONFLICT RESOLUTION REQUIRES LISTENING

By its very nature, conflict reveals that two people have differing opinions and that they feel strongly about their own perspective. Along with every conflict comes a flag waving in the wind that reads, “Take time to listen.” Conflicts cannot be resolved without empathetic listening. I use the word empathetic because most couples believe they are listening to each other, when in fact they are simply reloading their verbal guns. Empathetic listening means seeking to understand what the other person is thinking and feeling. It is putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes and trying to look at the world through his or her eyes. It means that we have laid aside our verbal guns in favor of truly understanding the other person’s point of view. Instead of focusing on how we are going to respond to what the other person is saying, we focus entirely on hearing what the other person is saying.

AFFIRM THE IMPORTANCE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Empathetic listening begins when you affirm the importance of your marriage relationship. When conflicts arise, set the stage for resolution by carefully stating your objective: “I want to hear what you are saying because I know it is important to you and I value our relationship.” I suggest that you write this sentence on an index card and read it out loud to yourself once a day until you memorize it, so that when a conflict arises, you will be ready to state your objective. Affirming the importance of your marriage relationship is a way of consciously choosing to put yourself in the role of empathetic listener —one who is seeking to discover your spouse’s thoughts and feelings. If you don’t consciously remind yourself that you are a listener, then you will likely revert to being an arguer.

I remember David, who said to me, “Your comment about choosing to be a listener was the most helpful thing for me. I went home and made myself a sign out of construction paper that read, “I AM A LISTENER.” Whenever JoAnne and I have a conflict, I put the sign around my neck to remind myself of what I’m doing. My wife always smiles and says, ‘I hope it’s true.’ The sign helps me remember to listen before I speak.” By use of this simple device, David trained himself to be an empathetic listener.

Most people will need some training to become good listeners, because we are responders by nature. One research project found that the average person listens for only seventeen seconds before interrupting to give their own opinion. Such quick responses are what trigger arguments.

Natalie and Hunter had been married for fifteen years when they came to me for counseling. Natalie was on the verge of leaving the relationship. When I asked about the nature of the problem, she responded, “He never listens to me. All we ever do is argue. Nothing ever gets settled. I’m sick of arguing.”

When I turned to Hunter, he said, “We don’t argue all the time. We have some good times —in fact, more good times than bad times. It’s just that when she gets upset about something, she wants me to agree with her. But I don’t always agree with her, and so we argue. I don’t think we argue any more than other couples.”

“I don’t care about other couples!” Natalie said, “I care about us. You don’t even know who I am, because you don’t listen long enough to find out. You are always right. You don’t ever have time to hear my opinions. How could you possibly disagree with them?”

As I glanced back at Hunter, he said, “This must be more serious than I realized.”

“What did you hear Natalie saying?” I asked.

“I heard her saying that I don’t know who she is. And maybe she’s right.”

“Would you like to know who she is?” I inquired.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I might hear some things I don’t want to hear.”

“But if they are true,” I probed, “would you rather hear them or would you rather have Natalie clam up in silence and never share with you what she’s thinking and feeling?”

“I’d rather hear them,” he said.

“Then why don’t we use the next ten minutes as a listening session. You and I will listen to Natalie as she describes for us how she views your relationship. Neither of us will respond to anything she says. We will simply try to understand what is going on in her mind. You may not like what she says, and you may not agree with what she says, but for the moment, we’re simply trying to find out what she’s thinking and what she’s feeling. I may ask her a question or two to stimulate her thinking, but I don’t want you to say anything, Hunter. I want you just to listen.”

For the next ten minutes, Hunter listened while Natalie spoke. It was the first of many “listening sessions” we were to have over the next three months. Through this process, Hunter took the first step in resolving their conflicts.

In the beginning stages of learning to listen, couples often find it helpful to establish a specific amount of time for each spouse to be the listener. Once they have developed the art of listening, they can remove the artificial time restraints, and the listening sessions will become more conversational. But they shouldn’t jump the gun; first they must learn to listen.

CLARIFY WHAT YOU HEAR YOUR SPOUSE SAYING

The second step in empathetic listening is to clarify what you hear your spouse saying. This is the classic technique of “active listening,” in which you simply repeat to your spouse what you think he or she has said, without judging it to be good or bad. David, the husband who wore the “I am a listener” sign, said to his wife, JoAnne, “What I hear you saying is that you feel disappointed because I don’t take the garbage out every day without your asking. I hear you saying that you wish I would take that responsibility seriously and that when you have to remind me, it makes you feel like you’re my mother. And you don’t want to be my mother; you want to be my lover. Actually, you didn’t say that last part, but I get the feeling that’s what you are saying. Is that right?”

JoAnne responded, “Yes, you’re right. I do want to be your lover, and it’s difficult when I have to remind you every day to do such a simple chore. I’ve got so much to do, especially since the baby came. That’s just one thing I wish I didn’t have to worry about.”

David said, “I hear you saying that you feel overworked since the baby came. And if I would consistently take out the garbage without your asking, it would lighten your load.”

“That’s right,” JoAnne said. “It’s a little thing, but it means a lot to me.”

“I can understand that,” David said, “and I can do that. What time of the day would you like me to take it out?”

“Right after dinner each evening,” JoAnne said, “before you get involved in other activities. If you wait till morning, it becomes smelly, and I don’t like to start my day with a full trash can.”

“Okay, I’ll do it,” David said. “I didn’t realize it was that important to you.”

“I’ve been telling you for months,” JoAnne said.

“I know you have,” David said, “but I guess I never listened. The next time you get upset with me, remind me to put on my listening sign so that I can really hear what you’re saying.”

David used clarifying questions to make sure he understood what JoAnne desired. Without asking these questions, he might never have known what his wife was truly thinking and feeling. He also learned why she had this desire and how it affected her emotions toward him. Once he clearly understood her thoughts and feelings, he was able to make an intelligent, considerate response. Taking the trash out on a daily basis without being asked was a small price to pay to enhance his marriage relationship. If David hadn’t used these clarifying questions, he and JoAnne might have entered into an extended argument over the pros and cons of who should take out the garbage. The argument would have left them estranged, hurt, and resentful. Instead, empathetic listening brought their conflict to a healthy resolution.

GIVE YOUR SPOUSE YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION

The third aspect of empathetic listening is that you give your spouse your undivided attention. Don’t try to watch television, read a magazine, or drink a Pepsi while listening to your spouse. One of the purposes of empathetic listening is to make sure that your spouse knows that he or she has been heard. When you lay everything else aside and give your spouse your undivided attention, you communicate that your relationship is more important to you than anything else. Without saying a word, you tell your spouse that you want to know what he or she is thinking and feeling. Focused attention is even more effective if you make eye contact with your spouse, nod your head affirmingly at appropriate moments, refuse to fiddle with a pencil or look out the window, and —whatever you do —don’t walk out of the room while your spouse is talking.

If you’re like some people, giving your spouse your undivided attention will be extremely difficult. I remember a woman who said to me, “I only have a couple of hours after dinner, after the children are in bed. I have a thousand things to do. If my husband has a problem, he wants me to sit down and listen to him. I tell him I can listen to him while folding the clothes. No, he wants me to look at him while I’m listening. Come to think of it, why doesn’t he fold the clothes while I’m giving the baby a bath? Then maybe I could give him my full attention.” For this wife, the sheer volume of household work made it difficult for her to give her husband her undivided attention.

On the other hand, many men pride themselves on being able to do three things at once. As one husband said, “I’m wired for multitasking. I can’t imagine doing only one thing. When my wife insists that I sit down and listen to her, I feel like I’m in a straitjacket, like I’m wasting time. I could easily be listening to her while reading the report that I need to give the next day. It makes her furious when I try to do that. But I can honestly hear everything she’s saying and read my report at the same time.” This husband is being totally honest, but he exhibits little understanding of the dynamics of human relationships.

Here’s what undivided attention communicates: “You are the most important person in my life. I want to hear what you are thinking and feeling because I value our relationship.”

On the other hand, here’s what listening while doing something else communicates: “You are one of my many interests. Please continue to talk; I’m listening.” Distracted listeners are often surprised when their spouse stops talking, walks out of the room, goes to the bedroom, and starts crying. Empathetic listening requires that you give your spouse your undivided attention.

SHARE YOUR OWN IDEAS ONLY WHEN YOUR SPOUSE FEELS UNDERSTOOD

The fourth characteristic of empathetic listening is that you never share your own perspective until your spouse has assured you that he or she feels understood. The most common mistake couples make in communication is responding before they have the full picture. This inevitably leads to arguments. Listen for as long as your spouse has something to say. Use clarifying questions to make sure you understand what he or she is thinking and feeling. When your spouse assures you that he or she feels that you understand, then it is time to give your own perspective. Often, determining this right time is best done with a series of questions:

“Do you feel that I understand what you are saying?” If your spouse says no, then let him or her continue explaining.

“Do you think I understand how you feel?” Again, if not, then let your spouse explain more fully.

When the answer to both questions is yes, then you can ask, “Can I tell you what I’m thinking and feeling?” If your spouse says yes, then you can proceed to share your perspective. Your spouse now becomes the listener.

The fact that your spouse now feels heard and understood makes it easier to shift from the arguing mode to the listening mode. Now your spouse can honestly say to you, “I’m ready to hear you because I feel as if you understand my concerns. I know that you have a perspective that is equally as valid as mine, and I want to hear it.” Your spouse now gives you his or her undivided attention, repeating what you say and asking clarifying questions until you feel heard and understood.

Empathetic listening creates a positive emotional climate. Arguing creates a negative emotional climate. Conflicts are resolved more easily when the climate is friendly rather than adversarial.

Had David failed to practice empathetic listening when JoAnne first mentioned her concerns about the garbage, he might have said, “Okay, I’ll take the garbage out. Don’t bring it up again.” The conversation would have been over, but the conflict would not have been resolved. It was because he fully heard her perspective before he responded that they were able to resolve their conflict easily. When people respond too quickly, they often respond to the wrong issue. They need to listen long enough —and ask enough clarifying questions —to discover what is really at the heart of their spouse’s complaints.

Many times, the real conflict is not about football or which color to paint the bathroom walls but about personality differences or unmet emotional needs. For example, people with a controlling personality will feel emotionally unsettled if things are not done in a timely manner and with some degree of perfection. On the other hand, people with low self-esteem may feel condemned if their spouse expresses strong expectations. Feeling condemned may lead either to “fighting back,” trying to prove their worth, or to withdrawing in silent suffering.

Empathetic listening allows us to hear what is going on beyond or underneath the words that are being said. Through empathetic listening, we seek to understand the feelings that lie behind the words and to discover why the other person feels so strongly about the issue. Understanding creates an emotional climate where conflicts can be resolved.

When Natalie told Hunter, “You don’t know who I am,” she finally got his attention. After Hunter learned the skills of empathetic listening, he said to me, “This has been the most insightful experience of my life. No one ever taught me how to listen. Why didn’t I have a class on this in college? It could have saved me fifteen years of arguing. I can’t believe how much pain I’ve put Natalie through over these years by not listening to her. I had come to believe that arguing was just part of life. I assumed that all couples argued as much as we did. It’s amazing how close I feel to her now. I really feel like I know her. And what’s more important, she feels like I know her.” Hunter had learned the awesome power of empathetic listening.

Most of us have had little experience in empathetic listening. Thus, it will take effort and time to change argumentative patterns of communication. Empathetic listening requires a change of mind-set. It is a conscious choice to hear your spouse clearly. You create an atmosphere for empathetic listening when you say to your spouse, “I want to hear what you are saying because I know it is important to you and I value our relationship.” Having stated your objective, give your spouse your undivided attention. Put the book down, turn the TV off, and lay aside the pencil. When your spouse stops talking, repeat what you have heard him or her say, making clarifying statements such as, “What I hear you saying is . . .” or “I think what you said is . . .” “Is that right?” Continue to ask clarifying questions until your spouse assures you that he or she feels heard and understood. Although this approach to listening may be difficult to learn, it is extremely rewarding because it will lead you and your spouse to greater understanding.

PUTTING THE PRINCIPLES INTO PRACTICE

1. Memorize this statement and use it with your spouse the next time you have a conversation or a conflict: “I want to hear what you are saying because I know it is important to you and I value our relationship.”
2. Consider making a sign that reads: “I am a listener.” Pick it up and hold it while your spouse is talking.
3. Try this response the next time your spouse shares an idea: “What I hear you saying is ______________. Is that correct?”
4. When your spouse starts talking, put down the magazine or turn off the television, and give your spouse your undivided attention. Look into his or her eyes as you listen.
5. Do not share your own perspective until you get a positive response to these three questions:
   • “Do you feel as if I understand what you are saying?”
   • “Do you feel as if I respect your ideas?”
   • “Is this a good time for me to share my thoughts?”
6. After each conversation, using the scale of 1–10, rate yourself on how well you followed suggestions 1–5 above.