7RESOLUTION LEADS TO HARMONY

At the beginning of a seminar in Chattanooga, Tennessee, my associate Rick Pierce asked couples who had been married for forty years or longer to raise their hands. Several hands were raised. He then narrowed the field to those who had been married for at least forty-five years, and then fifty. When Rick said, “Okay, fifty years or longer,” only one couple’s hands were still raised.

“So, how long have you folks been married?” Rick asked.

“Fifty-two years.” I made a mental note to talk to this couple during the lunch break.

When I met up with James and Mildred, I asked, “To what do you attribute your long marriage?”

James replied, “We made a commitment early in our marriage that whenever we had a disagreement, we would listen to each other and try to find a solution that we both thought was right. As you can imagine, we had a lot of differences, especially in the early years. We spent a lot of time listening and looking for solutions. But it all paid off because we’ve lived in harmony for fifty-two years. We have four children, all of whom are happily married. Mildred and I could not have asked for a better life.”

I turned to Mildred and asked, “Would you like to add anything to that?”

“Well, I think he’s right,” she said. “The only thing I would add is that we made a commitment also to love each other, no matter what happened, and to be there for each other. I came down with multiple sclerosis a few years ago. Physically, things have gotten worse for me, but James has been there for me through the whole time. I could not have asked for more support.”

“And what brought you to my seminar?” I asked.

“For years, we’ve made it a practice to attend a marriage enrichment weekend every year,” Mildred replied.

“We read your book on the five love languages a few years ago,” James added, “and we decided that if you ever came to Chattanooga, we would come to hear you.”

“I’m glad you came,” I said. “I hope you will find it helpful.” As I turned to walk away, I added, “I wish every couple in the country could hear what you have just told me. If every couple made the commitment to listen to each other and resolve their differences, to be supportive of each other no matter what happens, and to continue growing by attending marriage enrichment events and reading books on marriage, we would see a radical change in the marriages of this generation.”

James responded with a laugh and said, “Feel free to put our comments in your next book, and maybe the whole world will hear it.”

“Maybe I’ll do that,” I said. And so I have.

I am always thrilled to meet couples like James and Mildred, who have learned how to resolve conflicts and walk together in harmony over a lifetime. On the other hand, I have been deeply pained by the many couples whom I have observed arguing with each other, verbally berating each other, and destroying their dream of what marriage should be.

James and Mildred epitomize the mind-set that leads to conflict resolution rather than arguing. First, they were committed to resolve conflicts, and to do so in a way that respected both spouses’ ideas. Every unresolved conflict stands as a barrier to marital harmony. Every resolved conflict brings a deeper sense of intimacy. The decision to seek resolution is a decision to build marital harmony.

Second, they built harmony in their marriage by committing to love each other no matter what happened and to be there for each other. Many couples do not understand that love is a choice and not a feeling. It is a decision to look out for the best interests of their spouse. It begins with an attitude and expresses itself in behavior that seeks to make life easier for the other person. It is a willingness to give so that they can build up the life of their spouse. Couples who fail to understand that love is an attitude rather than a feeling may never find marital unity. If we simply follow our feelings, we will treat each other kindly when we have positive feelings, and we will treat each other harshly when we have negative feelings. Husbands and wives who allow their emotions to control their behavior will forever be arguing. On the other hand, those who choose an attitude of love and seek to implement it on a daily basis will create a climate where conflicts can be resolved in a way that respects the opinions and feelings of both spouses.

The third bit of wisdom that James and Mildred shared was the understanding that marriage is perpetually in process. We must continue to grow and learn throughout the years. The fact that James and Mildred attended my seminar after fifty-two years of marriage indicates that their mind-set was one of continual learning. Mildred said, “For years, we’ve made it a practice to attend a marriage enrichment weekend every year.” And James told me that they regularly read books on marriage as a couple.

There are many ways of stimulating marital growth. Marriage enrichment weekends and books about marriage were the two that James and Mildred shared. A couple might go for marital counseling, watch a recorded marriage enrichment seminar on VHS or DVD, or listen to such a program on CD. Many churches also offer marriage enrichment classes that meet weekly or monthly. Many couples have found these to be extremely informative and supportive.

Couples who build their marriage on this three-part foundation —the decision to seek reconciliation, the commitment to love and support each other no matter what, and the dedication to continually involve themselves in activities that stimulate marital growth —will succeed in resolving conflicts without arguing.

I’ve never met a couple who enjoyed arguing, but I have met thousands of couples who argue regularly. Arguing is based on the unspoken assumption that “my way is the best way.” Arguing seeks to prove that the spouse’s ideas are inferior. Arguing stimulates negative emotions. Arguing communicates condemnation and strikes at the other person’s self-esteem. To sum it up, arguing creates disunity between husbands and wives.

Arguments, by their very nature, create an atmosphere of antagonism. Couples quickly become adversaries rather than friends. I have never known a couple who argued themselves into harmony, but I have worked with many couples who have argued themselves into hopelessness.

Marital conflicts are inevitable, but arguing is an option —an unhealthy option. Arguments never resolve conflicts; they simply intensify them. Unresolved conflicts over a period of months or years have led many couples to the conclusion that they are not compatible. In their minds, if they were, they wouldn’t have so many conflicts and would be able to resolve them easily. But the truth is that every couple has conflicts, and conflict resolution is not easy. Because we are all egocentric, we believe that any sane and mature person would agree with our opinions. Conversely, anyone who disagrees with us needs to be educated —so we set about educating our spouses. But they too have an egocentric worldview, and they are trying to educate us. The result is argument and disunity.

In this book, I have sought to point to a higher road. Marital conflicts can be resolved, but it requires that we get off our stallions of superiority and view each other as human beings who are uniquely crafted in God’s image. Because we are all individuals, our thoughts, feelings, and desires will be different from one another’s. However, along with our individuality comes a deep need for intimacy. Marriage is designed to meet that need. A husband and wife come together with their differences to form a team where each will use his or her strengths to help the other, and together they will use their abilities to make the world a better place to live. Each of us is uniquely crafted by God with certain interests and abilities to accomplish positive purposes when we cooperate with God and with each other. In a healthy marriage, the partners work together as a team to help each other accomplish the objectives and goals that each believes he or she is destined to fulfill. When the team works together in harmony, marriage becomes all that it was designed to be.

Conflicts give us an opportunity to demonstrate our love, respect, and admiration for each other. When we accept conflicts as a normal part of marital team dynamics, we will create time to listen to each other. We will learn how to listen effectively so that we understand our spouse’s thoughts, desires, and feelings. And together, we will find solutions that allow us to work together as a team, supporting each other rather than allowing our differences to divide us.

Conflict resolution is one of the most fundamental aspects of marital success. The bottom line is that unresolved conflicts, accompanied by arguing, destroy marriages. Conflicts that are resolved by listening to each other, respecting each other, and negotiating solutions will strengthen our marriages. It is my desire that you will learn how to resolve your marital conflicts without arguing.

PUTTING THE PRINCIPLES INTO PRACTICE

1. James, who had been married fifty-two years, said, “We made a commitment early in our marriage that whenever we had a disagreement, we would listen to each other and try to find a solution that we both thought was right.” Have you and your spouse made a similar commitment? If not, why not?
2. Mildred said, “We made a commitment also to love each other no matter what happened, and to be there for each other.” Have you and your spouse made a similar commitment? If not, why not?
3. James and Mildred made it a practice to attend a marriage enrichment weekend every year and to read books on marriage. Have you and your spouse made a similar commitment? If not, why not?
4. If your spouse will not join you in making these commitments, don’t despair. You can have a positive influence on your spouse by learning and practicing the techniques in this book. In fact, your most powerful influence will be your example. As you change your approach from “arguer” to “solution seeker,” you will enhance the emotional climate in your marriage.