CHAPTER FOUR

Kate helped Loretta lift the makeup cases out of the trunk of her car. The dress rehearsal for the fashion show wasn’t supposed to start until half past five, but it looked as though everyone had decided to come early.

She’d been at work all afternoon, cutting, streaking, and blow-drying hair. It had helped take her mind off Kaylee’s last chemotherapy sessions and the transplant that wasn’t far away. She didn’t know how Anna, Tom, and Dan managed each day. They’d been living with HLH for months now, trying to stay positive, to not show Kaylee how scared they really were. Last night they’d been exhausted.

Kaylee really wanted to be at the fashion show, but she was too sick to leave the hospital. Anna and Kate were going to take lots of photos, to share some of the magic with Kaylee.

Kate patted her pocket, made sure she had her camera tucked away for the rehearsal, then followed Loretta. They moved quickly across the parking lot, dodging teenage girls in high heels and a man carrying a huge vase.

Loretta stopped outside the main doors of the Emerson Center. “Mary-Liz told me she’s set aside an area at the back of the main stage for hair and makeup. We’d better get there fast in case someone decides to use the space for themselves.”

The foyer was even crazier than the parking lot. Designers were rushing past with clothes in their hands, models and their moms were wandering around looking lost, and more chairs were arriving by the minute. Kate wove her way through the crowd, bumping into a woman holding a clipboard. “Sorry.”

The young woman smiled. “Don’t worry. Everyone’s in a panic in case they’ve forgotten something. I’m Becky O’Donaghue, slightly stressed florist.”

“Nice to meet you, Becky. I’m Kate. I’m helping with hair and makeup.” Kate glanced across the room and saw Loretta disappear through a double set of doors. “I’ve got to go. If I lose track of Loretta I might not see her again. Good luck.”

Kate made her way across the room and walked through the entrance to the ballroom. “Oh, wow.”

The ballroom looked amazing. Four crystal chandeliers hung from the ceiling, sparkling like diamonds above the runway. Everything was black, from the curtains framing the hired stage, to the flooring and chairs. The room looked sophisticated, elegant, and mysterious. When the models walked onto the runway, they would be the center of everyone’s attention.

“It’s a fine room, isn’t it?”

Kate turned and looked at the woman standing beside her. She had short jet black hair and the most amazing green eyes Kate had ever seen.

“I’m Molly. Emily asked me to photograph the fashion show.” She lifted the camera she was holding and smiled. “I came to see where the best angles might be, but so far it’s a mighty scramble for position.”

Molly’s Irish accent sounded soft and musical against the high-speed chatter going on around them. “My name’s Kate. I’m helping with hair and makeup.”

Molly nodded to a group of girls standing beside the runway. “They’d be wanting your skills long after the fashion show closes. I’ve never seen a more excited group of teenagers.”

The girls would arrive at the makeup area faster than Kate if she didn’t get a move on. “It’s nice meeting you, but I’ve got to find where I’m working from.”

“You do that,” Molly said. “And when things are calmer I’ll come and say hello.”

Kate started walking toward the main stage. A short man with a big mustache was throwing his arms around, waving at someone perched on a metal frame at the back of the room. The spotlight shining on the center of the stage moved to the left, then to the right, then ended in a starburst of color.

“Bravo!” Yelled the man with the mustache. “We keep the sequence for the finale, capisci?”

Kate didn’t bother to listening to the lighting director’s reply. She was too worried about what was happening in front of her. A crowd of people were standing at the back of the stage all talking over the top of each other. She shouldered her way through the group and sat the makeup case on an empty table.

Loretta was trying her best to get the designers’ attention, but they weren’t listening. “If you would all stand back and let me sort you into lines this would take a lot less time.” No one moved.

Kate stuck her fingers in her mouth and blew as hard as she could. A high pitched whistle filled the backstage area. Everyone stopped talking. She might not remember much about life with her father, but she did remember how to whistle up a storm.

Loretta smiled. “Thank you, Kate. Everyone, listen up. I’m not repeating myself. Your models will be walking down the runway in categories. I want all of the daytime fashion entries to stand here. Evening wear can stand over there, maternity can stand next to Kate and the fantasy line to their right. I don’t want to see you back here until you’ve dressed your models and have them with you. One of my stylists will listen to what you want and start on their hair and makeup. Now scoot back to your dressing area and come back when you’re done.”

With more eye-rolling and good natured grumbling than Kate had seen in a long time, the designers moved away.

Loretta shook her head at their retreating backs. “If those designers don’t relax we’re all going to be stressed by Friday night. Where did you learn to whistle like that?”

“My father taught me.”

“Clever man.” Loretta opened her makeup case and started rearranging the contents. “The rest of our team should be here soon with the hair products. As soon as the models are dressed they’ll come across here. You can guarantee they’ll all arrive at once, wanting their makeup done as quickly as possible. If any of the designers start getting scratchy, come and get me. Is there anything else you need to know?”

Kate shook her head and smiled. “I think we’re going to need lots of patience to get through tonight.”

Loretta looked at the designers rushing around like chickens with their heads chopped off. “You aren’t wrong there.”

“Do you want me to get the rest of the cases out of the car?”

Loretta looked at the cosmetics spread out in front of her. “We’ll both go. The designers will be racing to see who can get to us first. The more ready we are, the faster we can work through them.”

Kate turned to follow Loretta and stopped. Dan was leaning against a wall with an amused gleam in his eyes. She forgot that he was probably there to make sure she hadn’t left town. Or stolen any clothes. All she saw was his wide shoulders, lean hips, and badass attitude.

Loretta followed her gaze and smiled. “I’ll meet you in the parking lot when you’ve finished with our Deputy.”

Kate wouldn’t be finishing anything with Dan Carter because nothing had started. Absolutely, totally, nothing. Except a hug under extreme circumstances, and that didn’t count.

“I’m still in Bozeman if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Life isn’t all about you, Kathleen Jennings. Nicky thought you might need help with crowd control, but it doesn’t look as though I’m needed. You’ve got a powerful whistle.”

Kate didn’t know what Dan was up to, but it wouldn’t be good. “I used to practice on the beach. Half the stray dogs in San Diego used to come running when they heard me.”

“You’d be a natural on a ranch.”

“Are you being pleasant or heading toward an insult?”

He pushed away from the wall, standing so close that Kate felt his body heat through her T-shirt.

“I’m not your enemy.”

Kate frowned. “I never thought you were.” It was difficult to think straight with Dan’s blue eyes focused on her. She took a step backward, needing more than a few feet between them to stop the confusing thoughts racing through her brain. She couldn’t be attracted to Dan. He didn’t trust her, didn’t want anything to do with her except to know she hadn’t left Bozeman.

“Why do you always think the worst of me?” she asked.

Dan’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t trust easily.”

“No kidding,” she muttered.

“And you, on the other hand, are an open book.”

Kate crossed her arms in front of her chest. “There are plenty of people who know the real me.”

“Why do I find that hard to believe?”

Kate shrugged her shoulders. “Could be that old trust issue rearing its head again.”

“I don’t think so, Kathleen Jennings. I think you’re all bluff and bravado. Deep down there are things going on in your life that you don’t want to share with anyone.”

She didn’t like the way Dan was staring at her. The way he got under her skin and made her conscience itch. “I’ve got my reasons and I’ve also got Loretta waiting for me. Enjoy crowd control.”

“Wait a minute.” Dan’s hand shot out. “How are you feeling?”

For a split second, Kate panicked. “About what?”

“When we were at the hospital last night you were upset. I wanted to make sure you’re okay now.”

“I’m fine.” Kate offered him a half-hearted smile. She wasn’t fine. She was just as scared as Anna, but for double the same reason. All night she’d thought about Lily, the endless visits to the hospital and the day her sister had died.

Dan’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t believe you, but I guess that’s become standard practice between the two of us. I’m here if you need me.”

“Are you sure there are no strings attached?”

“Only the ones keeping you in town.”

The grin on Dan’s face made Kate smile. “I’ll see you later.” She felt his gaze between her shoulder blades as she left the backstage area.

There was no doubt about it. Dan Carter was a mystery, a man better left to someone else’s devices. He might be able to charm the pants of a porcupine, but he wouldn’t be getting anywhere near her. Kate was an independent, sworn-to-singleness kind of woman. And Dan Carter was trouble.

 

***

Kate yawned as she put the helmet her dad had given her on her head. She hadn’t made it back to the ranch until after eleven o’clock last night. She was tired but excited. The dress rehearsal for the fashion show had been exhausting, nerve-wracking and fascinating. After more than one false start, everyone knew what they were supposed to be doing. They’d followed Flavio's instructions perfectly and tonight’s show was going to be amazing.

She gave the strap under her chin one last tug before starting the engine on her four-wheeler. She followed Tom across the yard, zooming across the gravel, kicking up a dust storm behind her. For the last few mornings, she’d worked with her dad, looking for fences that needed mending or moving cattle into fresh pasture.

At first she hadn’t been too sure she’d be of much use. She could have written what she knew about living on a ranch on the back of a postage stamp. But between her father’s patience and her determination, they’d figured out a way of working together.

Kate watched Tom’s back as he pulled his bike to the left to check on the fence they’d mended yesterday.

“Looks good,” Tom yelled over the growl of his engine. “We’ll head across to the far pasture. I want to check the moisture levels in the soil. If it’s too dry, we’ll need to set up the irrigation system.”

Kate didn’t know how big her father’s irrigation system was, but she’d seen the neighbor’s machine working yesterday. The metal frame had stretched across the land like the skeleton of a dinosaur. A line of nozzles under its belly had sprayed water across the pasture, drenching the soil with spring fed water.

“I promised Anna I’d bake some cookies for dessert tonight.”

Tom lifted his arm to let her know he’d heard her. “I’ll get you back with time to spare.”

Kate wasn’t sure she had any spare time. The Beauty Box was closing at four o’clock to give everyone time to get ready for the fashion show. By half past five, Loretta, Kate, and three other stylists would be at the Emerson Center doing the hair and makeup of the models.

Her dad didn’t seem to be in a hurry. They drove slowly across the ranch, stopping at a place not far from where they’d moved cattle the first morning she’d helped. Tom found his moisture kit in the box on the back of his bike and started taking readings.

“It doesn’t look as though this drought is going to break anytime soon.” He pushed his hat back on his head. “This pasture will be okay today. I’ve got worse that need irrigating.”

“What do you do when you run out of water?”

“Pay for trucks to haul it onto the ranch. It’s damn expensive. I can’t complain, though. We’re better off than a lot of ranches around here.”

Kate watched her dad study the land. He never said much, but when he did people listened. He was so different to the man Kate remembered from her childhood that she could have been looking at a stranger.

“Why did you leave mom?” Kate bit her bottom lip. She hadn’t meant to ask her dad about their past. Her mom never wanted to talk about it, so for most of her life Kate had blamed herself. As a child, she’d thought it was something she’d done to turn her father away from them. As an adult, she knew better. But sometimes doubt crept in and she felt guilty for what had happened after he’d left.

Her dad’s answer wasn’t quick in coming. “Your mom and I were…” Tom hesitated. He pointed to the pasture in front of them. “If you don’t nourish the soil, give back more than you take, you end up with land that looks okay, but doesn’t sustain anything. Your mom and I were like that. She always wanted to be somewhere different, someone different. She had a need in her that I didn’t understand.”

“Is that why you moved to San Diego?”

“It’s why we moved to a lot of places. Before you were born we lived in three different towns. It wasn’t that I didn’t love her…I did. But I’d lived my entire life in Montana. I turned my back on land that three generations of ranchers had lost blood and tears over. Your mom used to say I had roots in my boots and she wasn’t wrong.”

Tom hesitated and Kate waited. Her dad was thinking, weighing up what needed to be said against what was best left alone.

He braced his hands on his hips, stared long and hard at the mountains in the distance. “Somewhere along the way we lost each other. When my father died, I had to come home. Your mom…she wanted to keep traveling.”

Kate knew her mom had a hard time staying in one place. It was only Lily’s illness that had kept them in San Diego. After Lily had died her mom had packed everything they owned into the back of her car. She’d driven through more States than Kate could remember and still couldn’t find what she’d been looking for.

“Why didn’t you write to me?” It wasn’t the question she most wanted an answer to, but it would do for now. Kate had spent half her life wondering why her dad hadn’t loved her enough to stay. The half that led her down so many wrong paths that she almost didn’t find her way out.

“I tried, baby girl, I really did.”

Kate held her breath. Her dad had called her his baby girl even when she was twelve years old and almost as tall as her mom.

“I wrote most weeks, let you know what I was doing, how much I missed you. Your mom would occasionally call, but never talked for long. A couple of years after I left, my letters started coming back unopened. I tried to find you, but you’d left San Diego.”

Kate stared at her dad and realized something. Something that changed everything she’d thought and felt about him, about herself and about the short life of her sister.

He didn’t know about Lily.

 

***

“Hi, mom. It’s me.”

“Kate? Why are you calling this early in the morning?”

Kate glanced at her watch and did a quick calculation. “Did I get you out of bed?”

“Goodness, no,” her mom said. “It’s too beautiful a day to be stuck inside. Listen to this…”

Kate heard the sound of waves tumbling onto the shore and knew her mom must be on the beach.

“It’s nearly winter and sixty-eight degrees at seven o’clock in the morning. Can you believe it? I should have moved to Australia years ago. When are you coming to visit?”

Her mom must have started walking. Her voice was slightly breathless, fading in and out as her legs carried her across the sand.

“Mom, I need to ask you a question and I don’t have much time.”

“If you need money I can transfer some straight away. I sold seven paintings at the exhibition last week.”

“That’s great, but I’m okay for money.”

“How’s your dad?”

“He’s fine.” Kate hadn’t told her mom the real reason she’d come to Montana. She’d said she wanted to see her father and his family. She didn’t tell her that Kaylee had HLH or about the bone marrow transplant.

“Mom, did you tell dad about Lily?” Her mom didn’t say anything. The silence was deafening, more powerful than the waves pounding on the beach. Without saying a word, her mom gave her the answer she’d been dreading.

Kate leaned against the counter, releasing the tight grip she had on her cell phone. If it splintered into pieces she’d never hear the truth.

“Why didn’t you tell him?” Kate asked. “Did he know you were pregnant?”

She heard her mom sigh, then the rustle of movement. “I don’t want to talk about it. Your dad left fifteen years ago, Kate. Let it be.”

“We never talk about what happened. Every time I want to talk about dad or Lily you shut me out. I need answers. It’s important.”

“It won’t do any good,” her mom insisted. “We’ve moved on, taken control of our lives.”

Kate doubted either of them had ever been in control of their lives. Her mom hadn’t stayed still long enough to control anything and Lily’s death had left Kate with scars that had never healed.

“Please, mom. Just this once, tell me the truth.”

Her mom was silent. If it weren’t for the sound of the ocean in the background, Kate would have sworn her mom had ended the call. “Before I say anything you’ve got to promise you won’t hate me for what I did. I tried my best, Kate. I really did. I thought I was doing the right thing.”

Kate could only imagine what was coming next. “I couldn’t hate you. You’re my mom.” The truth of those words rang in Kate’s ears. She loved her mom.

They’d tried to find common ground, but between a mother with chronic depression and a daughter who didn’t know how to express the anger and grief consuming her life, it hadn’t been easy. They’d fought their battles differently and neither of them had won.

“What happened?” Kate waited.

“I was nearly three months pregnant when Tom left. If I’d told him I was going to have a baby, he wouldn’t have gone back to Montana. We were suffocating each other. He needed to be on his family’s ranch, not moving from one city to the next. After Lily was born, I still couldn’t tell him. He wrote to you. He was excited and happy for the first time in years. I couldn’t take that away from him.”

“What about when Lily got sick?” Kate asked.

“I didn’t know how to tell him, and then Lily got so sick that it didn’t seem to matter. We had each other, Kate. We didn’t need your dad.”

Her mom said that as if it was the most important thing in the world. But when Lily died neither of them had been able to cope with what was happening. Her mom had disappeared behind bottles of prescription drugs and Kate had found comfort with the wrong people.

“I kept all of his letters. I left them in San Diego in the box of photos in your apartment.”

Kate imagined her mom sitting in the sand, trying to find something positive in the mess they’d made of their lives. She didn’t know what to say.

“Are you still there?”

“I’m here, mom.” The bell over the front door of The Beauty Box tinkled. Kate looked at her watch. “I’ve got to go. A client’s arrived for her appointment.”

“You must think I’m a bad person for not telling your dad about Lily. But it was for the best. What difference would it have made?”

It would have made a huge difference to Kate, to her dad, and to the long wait Kaylee had to endure before the right diagnosis had been made. Fifteen years ago her mom hadn’t been able to see the impact of the decisions she’d made. Nothing Kate said would make her see it now, so she did what she’d always done. She said goodbye and carried on.