One of the panhandlers in my neighborhood always starts the day with his basket half-full. And he’s the one who gets the most money. You might think the empty basket would earn him more points because people would feel bad for him. Well, no. Showing money in the basket is a way of communicating that other people are giving to him, that it’s a norm, that it’s approved. The behavior of others produces this reaction. That may be why influencers often buy fake followers.

While it only takes three people to make a tiger, the word of a powerful person can make a herd appear. Someone in a position of authority will have a similar effect to that of a group, except that now we’re talking about just one person. As always, authority will be relative to the point of comparison. For example, a doctor friend may help us convince our partner to change some of their eating habits, or an accountant convince them to stop wasting money. People who exercise specific leadership, such as our bosses or those who manage a process we’re engaged in, also enjoy this power. Authority is reinforced by symbols of power, such as coats and uniforms. This situation exacerbates the risks caused when certain leaders with vast resources sway public opinion in directions they know are false.

Just as approval is a resource, so is authority, which is why recommendations from people who are an authority in their field are so sought after.

THE GIFT OF MANIPULATION

One of the greatest contributions regarding influence was the work of Robert Cialdini, a professor of psychology and marketing who did extensive research on major sales methods and why some of them are so effective. Cialdini’s work has had great impact not only in the academic world—in which he earned induction into the American Academy of Sciences—but also in the publishing world, where his books have become bestsellers, precisely because they’ve turned into guides for millions of salespeople around the world.

WHEN WORDS BEGIN TO WEAR THIN, FACTS BEGIN TO TALK.

One of the tactics that has had the greatest impact on me bears the name of a beautiful gesture, although in this case it’s not spontaneous: reciprocity. In his research, Cialdini found that there’s a natural tendency to reciprocate something that has been done for us.5 Let’s see how it works so that we can identify when we might want to use this resource and know if our decisions are being influenced by this.

Reciprocity in sales often consists of something being given with the intention of paving the way to getting something in return. Preachers of certain faiths have become famous for giving gifts such as flowers, books, or stamps to get people to give them at least a few minutes of their time. After receiving this type of gift, the walls that people usually put up come down and they stop to listen. This practice was later copied by marketers, especially to promote services and subscriptions, and often goes unnoticed, like when you’re at a restaurant with friends and the waiter says, “Here’s an extra plate of nachos, but don’t worry, this one’s on the house.” I’m sure he earned himself a good tip. The tip is a reciprocal gesture.

This information is meant to help you identify when you’re being influenced, but also to show you why these practices are so effective and difficult to recognize. Two necessary criteria must be met:

By being aware of this practice, you can be more vigilant, though not necessarily immune to it. To avoid falling into these traps, it’s always advisable to review the reasons behind why you decide to buy, contribute, or surrender your position. You must know if your decisions are being affected by external favors. If so, you must clearly establish your positions and not change them in the face of presumed benefits received from the opposing party.

Sometimes the “gift” is something intangible or has no economic value, such as a concession. For example, giving in to someone else’s wishes. This concession may only be granted in order to give the person granting it influence or an advantage of some other kind.

In short, we have several social mechanisms to influence others in a positive way: consensus, likability, and reciprocity. Persuasion is the step prior to the roar because it allows your ideas to reach a safe harbor.

COMMUNICATION TODAY IS A MINEFIELD.

The possibility of developing skills so that our ideas gain resonance prepares us to release the cry that will melt the ice of the past. But being influential will be of no use if you trample and offend others. As you become more capable of gaining influence, you must work twice as hard to demonstrate that you have the dignity to bear it.

GIVE IT YOUR ALL

Effective influence, like a radiant sword, is a blade we must know how to carry. We need to have it in a sheath of responsibility and decorum, of prudence and humility. We can summarize this as the grace of kindness. What a great and forgotten virtue! It’s a rotting fruit among today’s selfishness and lack of empathy. We walk so quickly that we unknowingly step on pieces of others beneath our feet.

But how beautiful and sublime is the kindness that human beings have as a result of their good essence. To meet a kind being is to meet someone who has a great appreciation for human dignity and everything around them, whether that be animals, plants, or things. The kind person has a special virtue: reconciling the universal individual. We are kind if we’re friends, if we’re genuine. A person who is kind to others treats them like family, which is actually linked to kind’s Old English root, kin, which means to belong to a family.

It’s so difficult not to be carried away by anger, annoyance, physical pain, rage, apathy, or bad gestures and rudeness toward others. Therefore, kindness training should be a top concern in society, at home, and at work. Kindness helps us escape the law of the jungle. Kindness is one of the most important traits of a noble heart. Being kind is also a talent that costs zero cents but adds a significant value to everyone in the community. How hard is a human relationship when you have to tolerate or cope with a rude or temperamental person! Those people with moody expressions and gloomy energy don’t smile, they just grimace. They obscure everything around them. Some people think the word kindness is easy to say, but we often struggle to do so due to weariness, indifference, and modern tiredness that leave no room for the most beautiful part of humanity. Our days pass in silence and in the coldness of stern expressions next to the people we love the most.

We are chilled by other people’s lack of kindness, and because of them we distrust humanity. In its absence, we forget to embrace our souls and our hearts wither. We cease to kindle love in others when we turn our backs on kindness. To be kind is to learn to live between scarcity and excess, to turn opacity into brilliance, to be strong beyond muscles.

TO BE KIND IS TO KINDLE LOVE IN OTHERS.

Be kind and become a torch that kindles love and tenderness in others. Be kind and disarm the hearts of others. Be kind and bring peace to whatever you do and wherever you are.

But be careful, because by confusing kindness with commitment, hundreds of times we’ve said to ourselves, “I gave it my all.” Generally speaking, that’s great, yet there are situations where, although it may sound romantic, poetic, and even caring, the tyrannical demands we’re asking of ourselves are absolutely exhausting. We even give what we don’t have, like a gambler who expects to win double or nothing when they gamble away their last assets.

Some people go so far as to give their all as a manipulative mechanism. They’re the same ones who keep quiet to avoid conflict but then experience the conflict of not speaking up. There are those who claim to live without attachments but complain that no one pays for their expenses. The environment ends up taking advantage of those who absurdly long for the happiness of others and forget their own. They save a person and then they have to save themselves from that person. In their intimate world they haven’t discovered why it’s difficult for them to be happy. For them, every pleasure is a source of guilt. Delight distresses and shames them. They don’t allow themselves to be happy because they believe pain is the right way to express themselves. They know no other story than that of suffering for others.

Although empathy is born when the pain of others is in your heart, it will only be valuable if your heart is full of love. When people give too much, they don’t dare to enjoy life except through someone else. They say they love others, but that’s meaningless if they don’t love themselves. Human love is not inexhaustible like a love feast, like the love of God, the source of which is endless.

These people give their time, effort, and money, and say it’s free, but their emotional imbalance goes bankrupt. They don’t protect themselves. They never take time for themselves. They give expecting to receive, and that makes them slaves of a void. They owe themselves massive quotas of love, and accumulate thousands of disappointments, because the world doesn’t love the way they understand love.

If what you’ve read in the last few paragraphs resonates with you, check your heart. I don’t want you to continue to be disappointed by the world because you aren’t receiving as much as you’re giving. To give yourself time is to give yourself happiness. No one will come save you from your own void—it’s up to you whether you give of yourself only to break down or you do it to gain momentum. You can run to flee or to really take off.