What Does the Bible Say?

I believe the Bible is the best gift God has ever given to man…. All things desirable to men are contained in the Bible.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

What does the Bible say about finding a spouse? As I mentioned before, the burning questions many singles ask revolve around how to find the right person: Does God only have one person in mind for me? How can I find that one person? If there is only one person, does that mean any other person I date is going to be “the loser”? Or worse yet, what if I marry Person A, and then sometime later I meet Person B, and I think Person B is really God’s choice for me?

These are difficult and complex questions. To answer, let me tell a story. It’s from the Hebrew Scriptures—what Christians call the Old Testament. Let’s see what lessons we can pull from this true story, which is one of the longest of just a few spouse selection passages in the Bible. As you shall see, it grafts in some of the lessons we have already talked about in a beautiful tapestry of truth.

It’s found in Genesis 24:1-58:

Now Abraham was old, well advanced in years; and the LORD had blessed Abraham in all things.

Abraham said to his servant, the oldest of his house, who had charge of all that he had, “Put your hand under my thigh and I will make you swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I live, but will go to my country and to my kindred and get a wife for my son Isaac.”

The servant said to him, “Perhaps the woman may not be willing to follow me to this land; must I then take your son back to the land from which you came?”

Abraham said to him, “See to it that you do not take my son back there. The LORD, the God of heaven, who took me from my father’s house and from the land of my birth, and who spoke to me and swore to me, ‘To your offspring I will give this land,’ he will send his angel before you, and you shall take a wife for my son from there. But if the woman is not willing to follow you, then you will be free from this oath of mine; only you must not take my son back there.”

So the servant put his hand under the thigh of Abraham his master and swore to him concerning this matter.

Then the servant took ten of his master’s camels and departed, taking all kinds of choice gifts from his master; and he set out and went to Aram-naharaim, to the city of Nahor. He made the camels kneel down outside the city by the well of water; it was toward evening, the time when women go out to draw water.

And he said, “O LORD, God of my master Abraham, please grant me success today and show steadfast love to my master Abraham.

“I am standing here by the spring of water, and the daughters of the townspeople are coming out to draw water. Let the girl to whom I shall say, ‘Please offer your jar that I may drink,’ and who shall say, ‘Drink, and I will water your camels’—let her be the one whom you have appointed for your servant Isaac. By this I shall know that you have shown steadfast love to my master.”

Before he had finished speaking, there was Rebekah, who was born to Bethuel son of Milcah, the wife of Nahor, Abraham’s brother, coming out with her water jar on her shoulder.

The girl was very fair to look upon, a virgin, whom no man had known. She went down to the spring, filled her jar, and came up.

Then the servant ran to meet her and said, “Please let me sip a little water from your jar.”

“Drink, my lord,” she said, and quickly lowered her jar upon her hand and gave him a drink.

When she had finished giving him a drink, she said, “I will draw for your camels also, until they have finished drinking.” So she quickly emptied her jar into the trough and ran again to the well to draw, and she drew for all his camels.

The man gazed at her in silence to learn whether or not the LORD had made his journey successful.

When the camels had finished drinking, the man took a gold nose-ring weighing a half shekel, and two bracelets for her arms weighing ten gold shekels, and said, “Tell me whose daughter you are. Is there room in your father’s house for us to spend the night?”

She said to him, “I am the daughter of Bethuel son of Milcah, whom she bore to Nahor.” She added, “We have plenty of straw and fodder and a place to spend the night.”

The man bowed his head and worshiped the LORD and said, “Blessed be the LORD, the God of my master Abraham, who has not forsaken his steadfast love and his faithfulness toward my master. As for me, the LORD has led me on the way to the house of my master’s kin.”

Then the girl ran and told her mother’s household about these things.

Rebekah had a brother whose name was Laban; and Laban ran out to the man, to the spring.

As soon as he had seen the nose-ring, and the bracelets on his sister’s arms, and when he heard the words of his sister Rebekah, “Thus the man spoke to me,” he went to the man; and there he was, standing by the camels at the spring.

He said, “Come in, O blessed of the LORD. Why do you stand outside when I have prepared the house and a place for the camels?”

So the man came into the house; and Laban unloaded the camels, and gave him straw and fodder for the camels, and water to wash his feet and the feet of the men who were with him.

Then food was set before him to eat; but he said, “I will not eat until I have told my errand.” He said, “Speak on.”

So he said, “I am Abraham’s servant. The LORD has greatly blessed my master, and he has become wealthy; he has given him flocks and herds, silver and gold, male and female slaves, camels and donkeys. And Sarah my master’s wife bore a son to my master when she was old; and he has given him all that he has.

“My master made me swear, saying, ‘You shall not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I live; but you shall go to my father’s house, to my kindred, and get a wife for my son.’

“I said to my master, ‘Perhaps the woman will not follow me.’

“But he said to me, ‘The LORD, before whom I walk, will send his angel with you and make your way successful. You shall get a wife for my son from my kindred, from my father’s house. Then you will be free from my oath, when you come to my kindred; even if they will not give her to you, you will be free from my oath.’

“I came today to the spring, and said, ‘O LORD, the God of my master Abraham, if now you will only make successful the way I am going!

‘I am standing here by the spring of water; let the young woman who comes out to draw, to whom I shall say, “Please give me a little water from your jar to drink,” and who will say to me, “Drink, and I will draw for your camels also”—let her be the woman whom the LORD has appointed for my master’s son.’

“Before I had finished speaking in my heart, there was Rebekah coming out with her water jar on her shoulder; and she went down to the spring, and drew. I said to her, ‘Please let me drink.’

“She quickly let down her jar from her shoulder, and said, ‘Drink, and I will also water your camels.’ So I drank, and she also watered the camels.

“Then I asked her, ‘Whose daughter are you?’ She said, ‘The daughter of Bethuel, Nahor’s son, whom Milcah bore to him.’ So I put the ring on her nose, and the bracelets on her arms.

“Then I bowed my head and worshiped the LORD, and blessed the LORD, the God of my master Abraham, who had led me by the right way to obtain the daughter of my master’s kinsman for his son.

“Now then, if you will deal loyally and truly with my master, tell me; and if not, tell me, so that I may turn either to the right hand or to the left.”

Then Laban and Bethuel answered, “The thing comes from the LORD; we cannot speak to you anything bad or good. Look, Rebekah is before you, take her and go, and let her be the wife of your master’s son, as the LORD has spoken.”

When Abraham’s servant heard their words, he bowed himself to the ground before the LORD.

And the servant brought out jewelry of silver and of gold, and garments, and gave them to Rebekah; he also gave to her brother and to her mother costly ornaments.

Then he and the men who were with him ate and drank, and they spent the night there. When they rose in the morning, he said, “Send me back to my master.”

Her brother and her mother said, “Let the girl remain with us a while, at least ten days; after that she may go.”

But he said to them, “Do not delay me, since the LORD has made my journey successful; let me go that I may go to my master.”

They said, “We will call the girl, and ask her.”

And they called Rebekah, and said to her, “Will you go with this man?” She said, “I will.”

What are the lessons we can learn from this account?

LESSON #1

Seek Help from Others

Abraham was humble enough to know that the odds of finding a spouse for his son Isaac were against him. (Sound familiar? And you thought you had it hard with online dating!) So he asked for help. He enlisted the aid of his servant. This is good. It’s a form of “it takes a village to find a spouse.” The reality is that the odds of our not finding the right spouse are indeed very high. And Abraham had a much smaller surrounding population than we do today. His decision, against astronomical odds, was to affirm that God can (and will) intervene.

LESSON #2

Pray

Abraham was a person of prayer. Prayer should be one of the first things we do when it comes to searching for our future spouse.

So here we have a two-step plan: Ask God for help. Ask the community for help. Today that community is friends, relatives, colleagues and, yes, online services. But it begins with the humility of knowing we need help.

Notice that the servant also prayed to God. It wasn’t just Abraham’s faith and Abraham’s prayers. The servant had a prayerful faith too. And what a wonderfully candid, honest and soul-bearing prayer it is: “O Lord, God of my master Abraham, please grant me success today and show steadfast love to my master Abraham” (Genesis 24:12).

The great thing about prayer is that it is not just about your getting the “product” you want; it’s not about an end result (in this case, finding a spouse). Prayer is about the process of you becoming the right person for marriage. Prayer is about your learning to bask in the presence of God in order to hear His voice and read His signs. The journey is the reward. The process of prayer is the blessing, not just trying to “get someone.” The real goal in life, whether as a single or as a married person, should be to draw close to God. Let that be at the foundation of your spouse search. If you really want to find the right spouse for you, you have to pray.

LESSON #3

Base Your Criteria for a Spouse on Character

The servant prayed a very clear prayer with the criteria of what kind of spouse he wanted to find for Isaac: “And he said, ‘O LORD, God of my master Abraham, please grant me success today and show steadfast love to my master Abraham. I am standing here by the spring of water, and the daughters of the townspeople are coming out to draw water. Let the girl to whom I shall say, “Please offer your jar that I may drink,” and who shall say, “Drink, and I will water your camels”—let her be the one whom you have appointed for your servant Isaac. By this I shall know that you have shown steadfast love to my master’” (Genesis 24:12-14).

I do not believe the servant was asking for any old sign (like “Lead me to a woman who is wearing a blue blouse today”). The servant knew he was looking for both cultural and spiritual compatibility. His orders from Abraham were not to find a Caananite woman whose pagan, polytheistic beliefs were in opposition to the monotheistic faith of the Hebrew people. I believe the servant was looking for a sign that revealed a character of servanthood. He was not looking for just any woman. He was looking for a woman who was willing to bring water for thirsty camels—10 camels! That is a lot of trips back and forth from a well to bring water to 10 thirsty camels! In that one request for a sign, he was hoping to find a woman who was courteous, socially aware, had a good work ethic, was not afraid of physical service, was gracious to strangers, and was kind to even a servant. Her kindness blossomed into hospitality when she invited the servant to her home and offered a place to stay, plus food for his camels.

LESSON #4

Know What You Bring to the Table

Often when people look for a spouse, they are focused on what the potential spouse can do for them. “What can I get out of this relationship?” (She makes me laugh, she makes me happy, she knows my needs, and so on.) But what are you bringing to the table? What do you offer to the relationship? The servant made it clear that his master had flocks, herds, silver, gold, slaves, camels and donkeys. This is what Rebekah would get in a marriage with Isaac. (Such a deal!)

A good question to ask yourself is this: When you pray to God, do you find your prayers are focused squarely on you and what you’d like to get out of a relationship? Instead, how might your prayers also include inviting God to reveal (and refine) what you offer to a possible relationship? What are the gifts you bring to a possible future with someone else? As mentioned before, the art of finding a spouse is not finding the right person but becoming the right person.

LESSON #5

No Coercion, Only Willing Cooperation

In the end, Rebekah’s father asked if she wanted to follow the servant to marry Isaac. That’s an amazing thing. In Anicent Near Eastern culture, Rebekah’s father could make that decision irrespective of his daughter’s desires. But instead he asked her, “And they called Rebekah, and said to her, ‘Will you go with this man?’ She said, ‘I will’” (Genesis 24:58).

No person should be forced into a date or engagement. If it is God’s will, the person will join you willingly, not due to trickery or force or persuasion. Not because you cajoled her with flowers and fancy dining. Not because you threw a jealous tantrum. Willingly.

Put all of these lessons together and you have God in the middle of your choice for the best spouse for you. But you say, “You haven’t answered the question—is there just one person for me that God has in mind? Or are there, maybe, 50 out there who would fit me, and I just have to find one of them?” In a sense, these are the wrong questions to ask (sorry to disappoint you). First, there are some other questions brought up in this Bible story:

1.  Do you trust that if God brought a person into your life, you would know it?

2.  Are you praying about a spouse? I mean fervently praying, and not just a once-every-six-months prayer.

3.  Do you earnestly desire to grow in your friendship with the Lord, whether or not you find a spouse?

4.  Do you have realistic criteria for a spouse? (Note: A good follow-up question is, how do you measure up with your own criteria for what a good spouse choice would be?)

5.  What do you offer to any potential spouse? Do you have a good job that can contribute to the security of the home? Do you know how to make money, keep a good job and save money? You’re going to need all three for a safe future. Do you have the temperament, social skills and character of commitment to make a marriage last?

It does little good to ask if God has one person (or many) chosen for you. That is a smoke screen obscuring the deeper questions listed above. (Remember, I never said finding a spouse would be easy!)

Let’s return to my opening paragraph in this chapter. Remember the married-to-Person-A-then-discover-Person-B (who might be “the one”) question? I’ll close this chapter with a brilliant answer from my friend Jim:

Once you are married to someone, I think that with very few exceptions (adultery, abandonment, serious abuse) God expects you to stick with that person, no matter what. So, your thinking or believing that Person B (and not the Person A you are married to) is somehow God’s choice (whether you think that person is a better Christian, holier, more compassionate, or whatever) is really just Satan trying to deceive you at that point.

My feeling is that there is not a single “chosen one” that exists; there are probably a number of people who are right for you in terms of having the basic qualities that could make a successful marriage. The question is, what do you do, and what happens in that relationship once you are married? That is why it is important to have a marriage centered on God, because God will work to bring two people closer to each other if He is in the center.

Study Questions

1.  What did the Genesis 24 Bible passage say to you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

2.  Which of the five lessons stood out to you as highly applicable to your journey toward marriage?

 

 

 

 

 

3.  What role do you think faith, prayer and humility play in searching for the right spouse? Explain your answer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.  Would you be more comfortable thinking there is only one right person as a marriage choice or thinking there could be several right choices? What effect would your answer have on the way you look for a marriage partner?

 

 

 

 

 

 

5.  What is the most important takeaway for you from this chapter?