A Plea for Churches to Have a Singles Ministry
By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.
JOHN 13:35
There are compelling reasons for a church to have a singles ministry. The lessons I learned from a successful singles ministry, which is why I wrote this book, can be duplicated.
While 44 percent of the adult population (18 years and older) of the United States is single (see census.gov), most churches all but ignore this significant part of the population. That amounted to 102 million single people in 2011. Churches might have a children’s ministry, a youth ministry and maybe a men’s or women’s ministry. However, there is a tendency for churches to ignore singles, to subtly despise divorcé(e)s as failures or losers, or to not know what to do with widows/widowers.
Churches expect singles to get married and often only have programs for married people with kids. There is little in-between teaching for singles prior to marriage. Sermon illustrations, more often than not, center around having a spouse and kids.
Yet, singles have specific needs. If churches had a staff person and a ministry emphasis toward singles, there could be much prevention of heartache and an increased chance of a fulfilled life. Good principles on love, sex and dating would enhance the chance of having happier marriages and fewer divorces. Those who are in pain (widows/widowers, divorcé[e]s, lonely singles) would find specific community and teaching to help them.
Churches often bewail abortion, AIDS, homosexuality and divorce in their communities, but by not having a singles ministry, they miss out on doing important preventive and caregiving work that singles so desperately need.
When I had the blessing and the challenge of starting a singles ministry department at Menlo Park Presbyterian Church, the church took a gamble in terms of money and staff. It was a gamble well worth it because it was clearly led by the Holy Spirit. Within three years we had thousands of singles on our mailing list and eventually had more than 700 in a regular singles ministry, not including the many social events happening every week.
First of all, let’s bust a myth. You and I have heard many times that the divorce rate for Christians and non-Christians is the same. The same goes for extramarital affairs. But in all research, you have to really look at how the questions are asked. What defines being a Christian? Is that Christian really a follower of Christ or just a fan who applauds from the stands? Does the Christian even go to church, which might be an indicator of a true follower of God?
If you attend church regularly, the divorce rate dramatically decreases! Best-selling author Shaunti Feldhahn, whose book For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, published in 2004 and revised and updated in 2012, has sold more than 1 million copies in 15 languages. She challenged the research that said the divorce rate is the same for Christians and non-Christians. In her latest book, Good News About Marriage, she discovered that the early research interpretation was flawed because it compared non-Christians with people who “claimed” to be Christian. When she did her own research analysis and asked to compare those who claimed to be Christian with those who had actually attended church in the last seven days (from those who had not), she found that the divorce rate drops by 27 percent!
Feldhahn reported, “Contrary to popular belief, going to church does make a huge difference not only for those married but also, as my survey shows, for those who are single in having a marriage that can last a lifetime!”1 Hence, finding a spouse who is already a churchgoer dramatically increases your chances for a lifelong marriage.
For years, many churches have spoken out against homosexuality, but rarely does one find a church that has a major ministry helping homosexuals become accepted in society and not abused in school or in the workplace. For years, churches have spoken out against abortion, but rarely does one find a church that has a major ministry in helping pregnant moms think through their options. Churches may speak out against divorce yet what do they really do for singles to help them find a mate and learn healthy principles of having a lifelong marriage? The Bible speaks plainly about helping the widows, but how many churches have a ministry specifically for the widow and widower and their needs?
Forty-four percent of the population is single. That’s a huge percentage of people who need a ministry geared toward them. That’s 102 million singles over the age of 18. The Harvard Business Review reported in 2012 that the number of single people in America is growing at more than twice the rate of those who are wed; and if the trend continues, there soon will be more single adults than married adults in the U.S.2
If a church helps people prevent a divorce, imagine the heartache that could be avoided. If a church helps singles to keep from getting into unwanted pregnancies, that is a major detour away from unnecessary pain. If a church helps those who have lost a spouse through death cope with the loneliness, depression and feelings of helplessness, that is fulfilling the Bible’s mandate to help the widows:
If any believing woman has relatives who are really widows, let her assist them; let the church not be burdened, so that it can assist those who are real widows (1 Timothy 5:16).
Honor widows who are really widows (1 Timothy 5:3).
Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to care for orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world (James 1:27).
In judgment of those who care not for widows, Scripture says:
Your princes are rebels and companions of thieves. Everyone loves a bribe and runs after gifts. They do not defend the orphan, and the widow’s cause does not come before them (Isaiah 1:23).
I would add that there can be a bias in churches against senior citizens because they are old and, often, are not in power and have no advocates on policy-making boards. And if they are widows or widowers, it is much harder. But the Lord God Himself said we need to honor them and take care of them: “Stand up in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God. I am the LORD” (Leviticus 19:32, TNIV).
According to America’s Families and Living Arrangements, in 2011, of those who claimed to be single, 62 percent of unmarried U.S. residents 18 years and older had never been married; 24 percent were divorced; and 14 percent were widowed. There is tremendous need for a ministry to singles. To be sure, it is very difficult to start a singles ministry because you need to find a leader who is gifted in compassion, administration, teaching and has a proven record in entrepreneurialism in starting a ministry from scratch.
My church presently doesn’t have an all-encompassing ministry for singles of all ages. We have searched for a leader but have not found the right one. We have tried out several pastors, but it was not the right fit. It is not an easy job description. It is almost like finding a senior pastor for a subgroup of the church that could explode upward in numbers if guided properly. We do, however, have an ongoing singles ministry for “older singles” (60+ years of age). They have a weekly Bible study and social events that attract between 60 and 80 people. We also have a great divorce recovery ministry and a group for those who have lost loved ones through death.
If you can find a gifted and charismatic leader who has a heart for people of all ages who have never married, or who are divorced or widowed, you will be amazed by how hundreds if not thousands will flock to your church. Singles are looking for a safe alternative to bars or clubs, where they can find real community and a leader who will love, support and equip them in life.
Singles are looking for a place where there is a critical core of people, and where it will be fun and healthy. Singles are looking for a place where they can serve with others. Singles are looking for principles of living. Singles are looking for a place that is not a meat market, but instead a place to meet people. Christian singles are looking for other Christian singles, and where better than a church? Christians are looking for a community that is relatively safe from those who just want a sex partner. Remember, 44 percent of the population is single. It’s a huge market opportunity.
At one point at Menlo Park Presbyterian Church, where I served as singles pastor, there were more singles members than married members in the 3,000+ membership. You build a healthy singles ministry and they will come. I could write an entire book on how to start a singles ministry. But here is a real quick list of tips for starting one.
STEP ONE
Staff Leadership
Finding a pastor or staff person who has the leadership gifts required to build a ministry is so very important. I would suggest looking for a man, because contrary to popular belief, men come where there are a lot of other men, not where there are a lot of women. If a man comes to a group that is predominantly women, he’s not likely to stay. Most singles groups have a high percentage of women. To counterbalance that, it is good to have strong, male leadership. Both the men and women will appreciate it. At Menlo Park, I led my singles ministries with a woman. That was good, because it gave helpful options for counseling. But I would strongly encourage having male leadership for singles ministry organizations and events.
This staff person must be a good upfront teacher; have a high emotional quotient and social skills; have a merciful heart for dealing with those who have lost loved ones, either through death, divorce or broken relationships, and with those who suffer from loneliness. You also need a leader of the highest moral caliber. It will ruin your ministry if the leader falls to an affair or even has an appearance of impropriety. Dealing with singles all the time means one needs healthy boundaries for ministry.
There also needs to be complete buy-in from the senior pastor. He or she needs to fully back the staff person in charge of singles and the singles ministry itself. The ministry can’t be an oversight or a stepchild. Just as most senior pastors fully encourage children’s, youth, men’s or women’s ministries, so too the senior pastor must completely back a singles ministry. It is counterintuitive since there is such a heavy bias toward married people, but it is nevertheless crucial.
STEP TWO
Understand Singles’ Needs
There has been a stigma against singles that results in their being treated like second-class citizens (as seen in the lack of conferences, seminars and church departments created for them). But the Bible says so clearly in 1 Corinthians 7:28 that if you are single, remain that way because it would spare you “troubles, emotional distress or worldly anxieties” (depending on the translation). Hence, I would make a biblical case that being single actually makes you “first class.” If you can’t handle being single, then move on to “second class” and get married, for you now enter into a life with more “troubles, emotional distress and anxieties”! The Bible is often upside down compared to how we think (turn the other cheek; if he asks for your coat, give him your cloak too; forgive and love your enemies; and more), and this area of single versus married is another case.
Being a “first-class single person” comes with a lot of specific issues the church can help equip one to deal with (e.g., loneliness, spouse selection, temptation to have sex, dating guidelines, grief recovery from breakups, social awareness). I mention social awareness because some are single for a reason—they don’t easily get along with others.
Singles live in a church world where they can feel like second-class citizens. If you have never been married, people may wonder, What is wrong with you? If you are divorced, they may think you are a loser who can’t keep a husband or wife. In some churches, they may think you are a sinner who “got what you deserved” by not staying in your marriage. If you are a widow or widower, not everyone knows how to help a person who has lost a spouse. They don’t know what to do or say.
Especially in church, we hold up the nuclear family of a mom, dad and children as the only viable model. But singles have a calling from God just like everyone else. Singles need a staff leader who will be a champion for them. Find someone who will defend and speak for those singles. Singles are also rarely on the church’s highest governing boards, so it can become a case of “out of sight, out of mind.” Scripture reminds us, “Take care of any widow who has no one else to care for her” (1 Timothy 5:3).
STEP THREE
Lay Leadership
There is a reason Jesus prayed all night before choosing the 12 disciples (and even then, one of them eventually betrayed Him). After finding a staff leader, the leader’s greatest job is picking who will comprise the lay leadership team for the Singles Ministry. This is critical. This is the biggest decision of the ministry. It’s difficult to find healthy, humble, spiritually mature singles with high social skills. (Coincidentally, it’s just as hard to find married people with the same qualifications.) However, with the tendency for singles to have a “bruised” nature—rejected, divorced, grieving—it can be harder.
When I first came to my church as a singles minister, a significant number of the lay leaders were sleeping with one another. They were a flock without a shepherd. Many of them may not have known Jesus as friend and Lord. On their own they did pretty well in terms of organizing. The older singles (40+ years old) already had about 100 people in a weekly meeting. That attendance alone showed how big a need there was.
When my current church holds a singles social event, 60 will show up (and that is without staff help). When I was at Menlo Park Presbyterian Church, the younger adults (20s and 30s) had about 35 to 50 meeting, with two great elders of the church who led a Bible study with them. But they all needed a shepherd to equip, nurture and recruit leaders.
Eventually, we had two major singles groups: (1) those above 40 years of age and (2) those below 40 years of age. I had 12 leaders for each group. Two leaders were assigned to one of six areas:
1. Spiritual Life: in charge of Sunday morning or evening study/fellowship time and running our retreats (which could have 200 to 300 people)
2. Communication: in charge of maintaining the mailing lists (that had grown from 1,000 to 1,500 in each of the groups and would change up to 50 percent every six months)
3. Small Groups: we had a strong small-group ministry that would meet during midweek, though the younger singles would meet on Sunday night after I taught.
4. Social: which led to roughly six social events per week! Potlucks, dances, hikes, weekly volleyball games, theme nights, and more
5. Outreach: Finding service opportunities to help the oppressed or the needy
6. Prayer: an essential part of our singles ministry (if a ministry is not undergirded with prayer, then forget it)
There was also a special group of leaders for Divorce Recovery. Every Monday night an ongoing group of people who had been divorced received tremendous care and feeding.
It was important that all of my leaders were single themselves. I felt strongly that it would be condescending for married people to lead our singles ministry. Single adults are adults. Let them run it. Yes, I was the staff person, and I was married. But the fact that I had been divorced really helped.
I remember when I first talked to the older singles. There were about 100 people present. It was my first introduction to that group. Very early on in the meeting a man in the back, named Chuck, raised his hand to ask a question that was chilling, to say the least. He asked, “What right do you have to become our pastor? You come here to California. You are from Hawaii. You are married, with a child on the way. How can you possibly know what it is like for us who have suffered the pain of divorce or the loss of a loved one?”
Ugh! Great start for me.
And so I replied, “Uh, I was divorced.” I told my story.
There was an awkward silence.
Then Chuck said, “Well, then, welcome aboard!”
I realized that as horrible as my divorce was, it was also going to be used for good. Satan had wanted it to be used for evil, but now it would be used for good. I was reminded of Henri Nouwen, who coined the phrase “wounded healer.” That was me. I would come alongside them, not from on top or beneath them. I was wounded as they were wounded. And like a beggar helping another beggar, we would find the Bread of Life together. As their pastor, they knew I would feel their pain, embarrassment and hopelessness. I wasn’t above them. I was with them, alongside them. I was once there. I was once depressed and blinded by despair. But I could also say with validity, “I once was blind, but now I see.”
Every month I would have the leadership group over to my house for dinner at 6:00 PM. It was always potluck dinner, and we would visit and check in with each other. And then around 7:00 PM, we would take two hours to go over the logistics of running a ministry. For me, those monthly meetings with each of the two groups were priceless. We laughed; we supported one another; we planned and strategized. Many of those leaders today are still good friends, and many of them still support me and even work with me in ministries together (yes, decades later). Some lead their own ministries, literally all over the world.
I would consider the days of my being a singles pastor one of my most memorable experiences. It was the high point of my entire ministry at Menlo Park. I had to leave that ministry and church because my father died unexpectedly. I returned to Hawaii to take care of my mom (a new widow). If it were not for something as catastrophic as that, I probably would have stayed for many more years as a singles pastor. People who serve as singles pastors will find it challenging but incredibly fulfilling.
STEP FOUR
The 3 Ss
It is easy for a singles ministry to become just a big social time. That is what singles gravitate toward, especially at the beginning. Think of an equilateral triangle in ministry. Each side is important for true equilibrium. Without one of the sides, your ministry becomes obtuse. It is like a tricycle with one wheel off. It just won’t work. It won’t be healthy.
There has to always be a balance between three elements: spiritual, social, service.
Clearly, a ministry is about helping people find friendship and lordship with Jesus Christ. He is the ultimate “partner for life.” Stray away from that and the group becomes a singles get-together for fun (and maybe some pop psychology self-help principles). Teaching them principles from the Bible for living as a single is the best well-worn, time-tested stuff of which a good, fulfilled life is made. The bottom line is that many people will come, so you have to remember why you are there. And that is to lead people into the healthiest life of all. For a church, and for many recovery groups, that is through Jesus Christ.
When someone has a broken arm, it is important to put the arm in a cast so that it will mend properly. When someone experiences a rejection, a breakup, a divorce or a death in their life, it is vitally important to guide him or her to put on the “cast of Christ” (and His principles for living) and then, as doctors tell us, at the place of the break it will become stronger than ever.
2. Social
Yes, singles want social events—many of them. A buffet of events will cater to people who are athletic or like dancing or like to eat or just talk. Have a menu of events that will appeal to the athletic, the introvert, the extrovert, the artistic, the academic, and so on. The more options, the more people will come.
3. Service
If you do not have a service component, your ministry will be ingrown, provincial and insular. It can only think of itself, which is not healthy. The best ministries have a strong service element. Find ways to help the poor, both locally and internationally. Find mission projects like food drives, tutoring underprivileged children (which was big for us), community clean-up events, and the like. Serving others builds friendship as people work alongside each other. Sometimes serving is better than being at a dance (which can actually be quite nerve-wracking, and brings back a lot of bad high school memories!). But a service project, where together you are making a difference in the world around you, is helpful in so many ways.
Additional tips on running a singles ministry:
• Young adults will not want to be referred to as “singles,” while older adults usually do not mind. Be aware of this when you name your ministry.
• Men will attract other men and women. Women tend to attract other women. Strange, huh? If you have a lot of women, men will probably not come. You would think they would see it as a target-rich environment, but it is actually a turnoff to men. Men come when they see other men present (and in numbers).
• The healthier the leadership, the healthier the group.
• If you are the staff leader, you do not have to go to all the social events. It will wipe you out.
• You must have the endorsement and enthusiasm of your senior pastor to launch a singles ministry. When he mentions it from the pulpit, when she endorses it in the budget meetings, when he encourages you when you are down, it is critically important.
• You must have a budget for a singles ministry. Like youth ministries, you will have retreats; you will need money for food and socials; you will need money for entertainment and meeting with leaders, members and prospective members for meals.
• Maintain healthy personal boundaries. No nighttime counseling. Only do counseling if your staff is around. If married, let your spouse know if you are having a meeting with the opposite sex for coffee or a meal. Don’t burn out; singles, like most people, will love to talk and can take up a lot of time in counseling or at meals. Also, many of the issues singles deal with are sad (due to their grief, rejection and the compounded problems of raising children in a blended family). Prepare yourself emotionally for this. You need to take time to regroup and refresh.
A special service project can bring in tons of people into your church. I remember the late Bill Flanagan, a pioneer of singles ministries, who started a large singles ministry at St. Andrews Presbyterian Church, in Newport Beach, California. He created a multi-week divorce recovery series that dealt with grieving, loneliness, depression, dating, choosing a spouse. He would use Bible stories to teach those principles.
But what was creative about the series was that Bill would promote not only at his church but also in the community. He made friendships with key judges and attorneys and would send his brochures to the family courts and divorce lawyers, advertising his series two or three times a year. I remember Bill telling me that he would get 150+ people attending—most of them unchurched! It was through his divorce recovery series that people would find hope, tools to cope, and maybe a church home. Much of the church growth in that church was due to his divorce recovery ministry.
Of the many ministries I have led or taught in churches, Divorce Recovery was/is clearly one of my favorites. Why? There are no masks in Divorce Recovery groups. Everyone knows why they are there. They all have a hurt. They all want help. They all need friends. They all desire some tools to help them cope and heal. When there is that authenticity and transparency, a lot can get done and the love quotient rises in this environment of humility and openness.
It is like an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting where everyone is there for the same reason. There are no masks and no hiding. All admit their weakness and desire for growth. It’s the same for Divorce Recovery. Starting a Singles Ministry is a big commitment for a church, but it really works.
Earlier, I mentioned the best-selling author Shaunti Feldhahn. What I didn’t say is that she found her spouse through a church singles group. Here is what she wrote and wants to share with you:
One of the reasons I have a great marriage—and that I’ve spent the last 10 years working to encourage and help the marriages of others!—is due to the type of absolutely foundational teaching found in this book.
For the three years between college and graduate school, I attended a large church that was quite similar to Menlo Park Presbyterian where Dan Chun was the singles pastor, championing a very important and strategic approach to friendships, dating, choosing a spouse and premarital counseling. In fact, my singles pastor eventually ended up at Menlo Park after Dan left, continuing the same theme of teaching. And what I can tell you with certainty—having witnessed it in my own life and in the lives of dozens of friends who met and married through my own church’s singles ministry—is that this teaching works.
The message is not just about which spouse to pick, but how. Not just about principles that will make all the difference in friendships and dating, but about laying the right foundation for an eventual marriage. And in a culture with far too many divorces, this preparatory work acts like an inoculation against so many ills that often damage our marriages. As you will see in this book, the marriages launched via this teaching have an amazing success rate compared to the national average.
When I was an active participant in that singles ministry 20 years ago, many churches had similar approaches. For some reason though, today, many of those singles ministries no longer exist in the same way—or don’t exist at all. I think we need them back! Today, many churches with large swaths of singles have switched to focusing primarily on building character and relationship with God, rather than on providing intentional guidance and a safe forum for building healthy, strategic relationships with one another—including dating relationships. I know churches are legitimately concerned about not turning houses of worship into “meat markets.” But having experienced the gift of a well-thought-out singles ministry that actively provided opportunities to meet other singles, I know firsthand just how vital it is.
Our ministry, like Dan’s, created excellent boundaries within which people were safe to grow in their relationship with God and meet other singles who shared their most important values—and then be led through the process of evaluating whether a particular friendship could or should turn into something more.
That type of involved, ultra-intentional singles ministry is a rarity these days, but we need it now more than ever. And Dan Chun has a passion to lead that charge. Men and women—whether young singles, or single again—need a firm foundation of more than just their own relationship with God and their own character; they need fellowship with others who are walking the same road (both those of their own gender and those of the opposite sex), wise counsel, solid principles on which to evaluate their relationships, a mentor to walk the road with them, boundaries to follow and accountability. While the first and last needs can only be met in the context of an involved singles ministry, I’m thrilled that Dan is capturing the rest in a book that guides those who don’t have the benefit of one. I’m also thrilled that this will be an opportunity to lead the charge for our culture—especially within the Christian community—to be more strategic about launching our singles into relationships well.
I benefited from that, and everything in my life is different as a result. I know every reader of this book will feel the same.3
Notes
1. Shaunti Feldhahn, Good News About Marriage (Colorado Springs, CO: Multnomah Books, releasing May 2014).
2. Annalyn Censky, “Why the Jobs Recovery Favors Single Workers” Harvard Business Review, The Daily State, CNN Money, August 21, 2012.
3. Shaunti Feldhahn is a social researcher, national speaker and best-selling author of For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men (which is in the top 1,800 of all-time Amazon.com book sellers) and For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women.