Ian
It had been a week since I’d last seen Em, and I missed her. I was worried that I had fucked things up with my bad mood last Saturday. But Em had come over the next day and told me how much she’d enjoyed our “roleplay” and things seemed to be normal.
Except we hadn’t seen each other this week. Whenever I DM’ed her, she was busy. It felt like she was avoiding me. And now it was Saturday, and we still hadn’t made any plans.
This felt typical of our push/pull relationship. Half the time, she had me panicking and the other half, I couldn’t get enough of her. It wasn’t about sex—even though some of our best times were right after fucking. It was more what Em wanted—not money, status, or even commitment—she wanted intimacy and tenderness. And instead I’d given her sex with zero affection. What an asshole move.
Was that what led her to disappear this week? Had I finally pushed her so far that she was going to dump my ass? But things seemed fine on Sunday. I’d even talked a bit about my childhood, something Em always wanted.
That’s why this disappearance was so weird. I didn’t think she was lying—Em didn’t b.s.—but I did think something was wrong. Maybe it was that asshole Cody bothering her and I’d have to get involved again. Whatever it was, at least I could listen to her problems.
So I drove over to Em’s place. Face to face, I’d be able to tell what was wrong.
When I turned onto her street, I saw Em driving off in the opposite direction. I pulled a U-ey and followed her. Jesus, what a creep I was being. Well, if she was going for groceries or something, I’d talk to her, but if she was meeting friends, I’d take off. Maybe she was heading towards my place. She knew my Saturday routine and she usually wanted to pitch in.
She ended up in the trendy Glebe neighbourhood. As I parked a few spots ahead of her, I definitely felt like a stalker. Was I going to follow her down the street next?
I sat in the truck feeling stupid and watching her in the side mirror. Em was all dressed up in a sweater and a blue dress I really liked. She walked up to a hipster café—the kind of place she loved, and I hated. There was even a line in front. Only hipsters would line up at one place when there were perfectly good restaurants in the same block.
She greeted some guy with an awkward hug and got into line. Who the fuck was that?
I pulled out and drove towards the cafe. If Em saw me, I was going to look like an idiot, but I had to know.
When I cruised by, Em didn’t notice me at all. She was too busy talking to Lucas fucking Yan.
My mind went in a hundred different directions as I drove home. Why was Em seeing Lucas again? Was she cheating on me or was there some good explanation?
All I could hear in my mind was Em’s promise never to see another guy while we were going out. That when the time came to break up, we’d tell each other straight up.
Em didn’t lie to me. In fact, she regularly demonstrated what a shit liar she was. Maybe that was why she’d been avoiding me. Or maybe I was seeing this all wrong, and I needed another point of view.
I messaged Mason to get together for lunch. Since I never did this, he agreed immediately. We met at a diner near my place. The waitress came over and we both ordered BLTs and coffees.
“Is everything okay?” Mason asked.
“Well, no. Something weird just happened. I saw Em with Lucas Yan.”
Mason’s eyes widened. “Uh, really? Where?”
“Some hipster place in the Glebe.” I looked around the diner with its cracking vinyl seating and laminate counters. Em was a trendy café, and I was a greasy spoon.
“So talk to her about it. I’m sure it doesn’t mean what you think it means,” Mason said. “What do you think it means?”
“I don’t think she’s cheating on me. But maybe she’s getting ready, you know, to move on.” Because I knew she’d leave sometime, I just wasn’t expecting it now.
“She’s not going to leave. You guys are really happy, aren’t you?”
Yeah, we were happy other than the mental gymnastics I’d been going through. Until I’d started acting like an asshole. I was used to keeping my relationships simple, but Em was complicated.
Our coffee arrived. “So, you think I’m being an idiot?” I said.
“I’d never think that.” Mason kept rearranging the salt and pepper shakers. Fidgeting was his tell for nervousness.
“Do you know something about Em and Lucas that I don’t?” I asked.
His eyes darted everywhere. “Errrr,” he mumbled.
“Bud. You gotta tell me.”
“Abby’s gonna kill me,” he said.
Well, ordinarily I wouldn’t put a friend in this position, but I had to know. “I’m your best friend, Mase. We go way back.”
He nodded. He looked so miserable that I almost let him off the hook. How had Em become so important to me that I’d mess with my best friend this way?
“Lucas proposed to Em,” Mason said softly.
What the actual fuck?
The waitress slid the sandwiches in front of us, but my appetite was shot.
“Like, marriage?” I asked. How long had they been talking for? Well, they’d dated for ten years. Two people could not know each other any better. And Lucas was her perfect match—even her parents liked him.
“Well, he asked her to get back together first. Then, assuming everything goes well…” Mason’s voice trailed off, but I knew the ending. Em living happily ever after with her high school sweetheart and their 2.5 kids.
I wasn’t even angry. I felt weak, like someone had kicked me to the ground. Em and I were going out. She’d promised me that she’d never see another guy while we were going out. And Lucas knew we were going out.
It was like I was nothing. A fucking speed bump on their highway to happiness.
“Ian?” Mason was watching me with concern. “You know it doesn’t matter what Lucas wants. Em didn’t ask for any of this.”
Yeah, but Em also hadn’t told me about this. She hadn’t called me up to say, “Ian, you’ll never believe what happened,” so we could both laugh about it. That meant that Em was considering his offer. That there was a part of Em that still wanted Lucas. The part that wanted weddings and babies and a house you didn’t have to work on every weekend. Then I remembered how pretty she looked today—all dressed up for an important date.
I rubbed my stomach, which felt hollow. But when I took a bite of sandwich, it tasted like sawdust. I dropped it in disgust.
“I don’t get why she didn’t tell me anything. It’s been going on all week,” I said.
“Maybe she didn’t want to upset you,” Mason replied.
“That’s bullshit. Finding out like this is way worse.” Because if all this had been going on behind my back, Em was not the person I thought she was.
I took apart my sandwich and ate only the tomato. It still tasted like nothing.
Mason was watching me the whole time. “You need to hear Em’s side of the story before you get too entrenched in your opinions.”
“Em’s too smart. She can talk, talk, talk her way out of anything.” For me, actions spoke louder. What Em had done was more important than anything she said afterwards.
“Keep an open mind. You’ve dated a lot of women, but it seems like things are different with Em,” Mason said.
He waited for an answer, but all I did was nod. Things were different with Em. Or they had been.
“Ian, I know you had a difficult childhood, but you’ve made a great life for yourself.”
This was turning into that sentimental shit that I hated. “I have to work hard,” I pointed out. There wasn’t any family fortune waiting for me.
Mason nodded. “You can rely on other people, though. It’s not a weakness.”
Maybe I would have agreed with that statement two hours ago. But Em had proved I couldn’t trust her.
He sighed. “I can tell you’re shutting down on me here. Just think about what I said.”
I knew what Mason wanted. He wanted me to be as happy as he was with our matching best-friends-dating-best-friends shit. But that wasn’t possible.
The waitress came by. “More coffee?”
I shook my head and shoved the half-eaten sandwich at her. Mason gave her a twenty and told her to keep the change.
He leaned towards me. “Ian, don’t do this. Don’t push Em away.”
“I haven’t done anything.” She was the one who’d been busy.
He frowned. “Nothing’s perfect. Abby and I fight about dumb stuff, and sometimes we irritate each other. But we deal with our problems.” He paused. “Look, I’ve known you for years now. I see what you do with your girlfriends—you bail when things get uncomfortable or tough. And I’m sorry, but you have old-fashioned ideas about relationship roles. The guy doesn’t have to be stoic and in control all the time. If Em has hurt you, tell her. Then you can move on from that.”
I half-smiled. “Tables have turned here, eh?”
I’d always had to give Mason advice on women because I’d dated so many more than he had. But now he was the one with more experience in serious relationships.
Mason shook his head. “I’m no relationship expert. But I know you. You let yourself be vulnerable to me and Greg. But never to women. It’s like you think that admitting to Em that she hurt you would give her some power over you. But she already has that power. Look at how you’ve reacted today.”
Yeah, he was probably right. Expressing feelings wasn’t something I had ton of experience with. My mother was all over the place, she went from hugging me to screaming at me in no time. My grandparents were kind and caring but also cold and formal. But I didn’t want Em to stay with me out of pity.
After lunch, I walked home. I needed to do something, so I got changed into work clothes and went outside. Spring meant working on the exterior of the house. I got my sledgehammer and safety glasses, so I could start taking apart an old concrete pad at the side of the house. Every strike of the sledgehammer reverberated through my hollow body. It was like a chant.
Bam. You were a fool. Bam. You shouldn’t have gotten involved. Bam. I want her. Bam. You can’t have her. Bam. You’re not good enough. Bam. It was never going to work. Bam.
Something flashed in my peripheral vision. I turned and saw Em getting out of her car.