Em
When I parked in front of Ian’s place, I could see him working beside the house. As he lifted the sledgehammer in a fluid arc, he looked like poetry. A show of strength by a body that could have been carved by a Greek sculptor.
Seeing Ian made me feel a rush of emotion: affection, desire, confusion, longing, and hope. I was going to tell him I was in love with him, yet I had no idea how he was going to react.
Ugh. Today was the day of doing all the difficult things. Turning down Lucas was the right thing to do. Sure, I’d been tempted. After all, it was the solution to my personal agenda. But recently that agenda had changed.
I’d picked the worst time to become a romantic. To decide that what I really wanted was someone who made my life unpredictable, sexy, and fun. I was stepping away from my orderly path into chaos.
This morning had been awful. I was too nervous to eat, and Lucas had been quite rude when I said no—like he couldn’t believe I wasn’t falling over myself to get back together. He obviously thought I was desperate to get married. But I wasn’t the old Em anymore.
I pulled down the sun visor mirror, smoothed my hair, and put on lipstick. I’d gotten all fixed up and worn Ian’s favourite dress. I exhaled loudly. If Ian ran when I told him how I felt, this would be my worst day ever.
Ian was watched me walk up the uneven path. He had safety glasses on, so I couldn’t see his expression. As I got closer, I could see that sweat had made his grey T-shirt cling to his body. Yum.
“Hi.” I went to hug him, but he backed up a step. “Hey, I’m not afraid of sweat.”
He pulled off the safety glasses. His expression was so cold that a finger of panic touched my spine.
“What’s wrong, Ian?”
“Let’s go inside,” he said.
I followed him into the kitchen, which was now completely gutted.
He leaned against what remained of the counter, with his arms crossed. “I think it’s time we broke up.”
The room spun around me. “What? Why?”
This granite version of Ian continued speaking, “We both knew this was going to end sometime. It’s gone on way longer than I expected.”
He should have just punched me in the stomach and gotten it over with. “Why now? Did you meet someone?”
He looked out the window. “No. But maybe you did.”
“Me?” Comprehension was beginning to dawn. “Wait. Did you find out about Lucas?”
“Find out what, Em?” Now I heard the crackle of fury in his calm voice. “Because my girlfriend—who I trust—would tell me if anything huge happened.”
Okay, I understood now. And I could fix this. “I don’t know what you heard but let me tell you what happened. On Tuesday after work, Lucas was waiting outside my building. We went out for a drink, and he told me he wanted to get back together.”
“What d’you say to that?”
“Well, I told him it was insulting. You know, to assume I’d been waiting around for him. And I said I was dating you.”
Something softened in Ian’s expression. Then he asked, “Then what?”
I hesitated, but he would know if I lied now. “He said you weren’t good enough for me. That there wasn’t a future with you.”
Ian’s face shut down again, and I regretted my words.
“You couldn’t argue with that,” Ian said.
“No,” I agreed. “Because that was our deal: no future. But I want to change our deal.”
Ian shook his head. “You’re not done your story yet. I saw you meeting Lucas today.”
“You did? Oh my God.” I was close to tears now, but I needed to keep talking. “Lucas didn’t want me to answer him right away. So I met him today to tell him no.”
“Is that it?” Ian asked.
How much did he know? I exhaled. “Lucas sort of asked me to marry him, if everything worked out when we got back together.”
Now Ian’s eyes met mine. His effort to lock up his feelings was visible. He was afraid of letting people in because he’d been hurt before. And now I’d hurt him, and I felt terrible.
“You understand why I couldn’t tell you, don’t you?” I asked.
“Sure. Because you had to figure out if Lucas was the answer to all your checklists. A guy with a good career. Someone your parents love. Someone who’d make a good father.”
All the things Ian thought he wasn’t. That was so far from the truth.
I rushed over and clung to his stiff body. “I had to do things in the right order. If I told you about Lucas when it happened, you’d think I was trying to manipulate you into something more serious. If I told you before I said no to Lucas, it would be like I was hedging my bets. I had to tell you last.”
But there was no softening response in Ian’s body. He didn’t put an arm around me or stroke my hair. He stood as rigid as that Greek statue. “It’s not too late. Lucas would take you back.”
Now tears were rolling down my face. “I don’t want Lucas. I want you.”
I took a deep breath and dove in. “I love you, Ian. Everything that happened with Lucas made me realize why I love you. You’re sweet and considerate and sexy and fun. You make me laugh. You look after me when I’m down. You introduce me to new worlds. The last three months have been the best time of my life.”
He wouldn’t look at me or respond in any way.
“Tell me it hasn’t been the same for you. Maybe you don’t love me—yet—but I know you care about me. You enjoy what we have together.”
Ian looked down at me. “Any guy that cared about you would tell you to get back with Lucas.” He carefully skirted the question of how he felt about me, and that gave me hope.
“Why? That’s craziness. I don’t love him.”
“He fits your life. Like I never could.”
He tried to pull away, but I grabbed his damp T-shirt in my fists. “I used to think that I needed some clone of myself for a partner. But I was wrong. I need you. You balance me out. You challenge me. And I do the same for you. We tricked ourselves by pretending we couldn’t last. But now I love you. Tell me you don’t love me too. Tell me.”
I was almost hysterical, but everything felt so tenuous. If I could get Ian to admit he loved me, we could go back to where we were.
He didn’t answer right away, and when he spoke, he sounded faraway. “What about kids, Em? You love kids. I wouldn’t be a good father.”
“Why not? You’re great with kids. Remember on Christmas Day? The kids loved you.”
He sighed. “My mother was one sick puppy. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”
“Just because she was a bad parent doesn’t mean you’d be a bad parent,” I protested.
“What if my kids turn out like her?”
Oh. I’d never considered that. “Do you know what was wrong with her?”
Ian shrugged. “She was addicted to shit: booze, drugs, whatever. Nobody ever talked much about her.”
“We could find out if she had any hereditary conditions. Besides, we would look after our kids, whatever problems they might have.” These were concrete issues that could be dealt with, as long as Ian was willing. As long as he wanted to be together.
He held me out by the shoulders. “You can do better, Em.”
I could hardly see him through my tears now. “I can’t do better than you. I love you. We’re a team.”
Nothing I said was changing Ian’s mind. He didn’t even answer me.
My hysterical crying was the only sound in the room. Ian took me in his arms and held me. For one moment, I thought everything was okay again, but I could feel the rigidness in him. I tried hard to stop crying. Ian hated when I cried. Maybe he didn’t love me because I was overly emotional.
When my crying changed to sobs and wheezes, Ian released me. I felt humiliated, and I turned to go.
“Wait.” Ian grabbed my purse and took out my keys. “You can’t go home like this. C’mon, I’ll drive your car.”
How could he be so kind when he was breaking my heart?
The silence on the way home was broken only by my occasional hiccups. Ian took me right up to my apartment, unlocked the door, and put me inside.
“How will you get home now?” I sobbed.
“I can take care of myself,” he replied.
I watched his straight back as he disappeared down the hallway. He walked away without ever looking back.
I shut the door and leaned on it. Only a week ago, we’d been having frantic sex against this very door.
Now what should I do? Normally, I’d call Abby, Sophia, or both and weep on their shoulders. But I was tired of doing that. I didn’t want to be poor Em and have to explain all Ian’s flaws and misconceptions. I loved him too much to have to badmouth him.
And if I hadn’t talked to Abby about Lucas, maybe Ian wouldn’t have found out everything before I could tell him. I should have kept something that private to myself.
It was time to be an adult and deal with issues all on my own. To learn to like being alone so I wasn’t desperate for the alternative.
I washed my face, then headed into the kitchen to check out the comfort food situation. Good, I had chips and ice cream. I let Isaiah out to roam around the living room.
“What do you think? Sophie’s Choice or The Notebook? Wait, I have Titanic too.”
Based on his sniffing, Isaiah seemed to be a Meryl Streep fan. I put the DVD in and parked myself on the couch.
“I can take care of myself too,” I declared before I shoved a spoonful of chocolate chip ice cream into my mouth and got ready to cry.