Em
“Are you all right?” Ken asked me as we made our way back to our desks after a meeting.
“Of course.” After all, what was wrong other than my personal life exploding like a Lush bath bomb?
He raised an eyebrow. “Because I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone tear up during a presentation on interest rate projections.”
I lifted my chin. “Anyone with imagination can see all the ramifications of an increase. People unable to buy a first home, new small businesses struggling, and stock portfolios dropping in value.” My voice faltered a little, because the hypothetical person who wanted to buy a first home was me. I’d been saving up and looking at possible neighbourhoods. And lately, I’d been taking a closer look at real estate listings that needed fixing up.
Of course, what I’d really envisioned was Ian helping me fix up my home, or better still, the two of us living in a house that we both worked on. Ian would do all the major renovations, but I was willing to help with everything.
But Ian didn’t want that. He didn’t want to keep going out with me—despite how amazing things were between us. I had turned into yet another girlfriend who thought she could change him into husband material. What was wrong with me that I kept imagining happy endings where there were none?
Ken was still talking about interest rates, but I was only half-listening. Yes, I was miserable. Ridiculously, I kept worrying about Ian. Sure, he had lots of friends, but he was so essentially alone. He wouldn’t let anyone get really close to him. He had trouble accepting help. Did he not believe he deserved love?
Something spirited in me stirred. There was nothing wrong with me. I had been right about Lucas—he did love me and want to marry me. I was the one who got to that stage first, and by the time Lucas realized I was right, he was too late.
So, I was probably right about what Ian and I had together. Maybe Ian loved me too, even if he couldn’t admit it. However, being right didn’t change the fact that we were over.
Ken peered at me. “Can I take you out to lunch today?” This was a big gesture because Ken always brought his lunch and was notoriously cheap.
“Sure, that would be great.” I’d been eating too much junk lately.
We settled on a nearby sandwich shop that wasn’t too expensive. Ken’s sympathy probably didn’t extend to a restaurant. Since it was a nice day, we sat outside on a bench and raised our faces to the spring sunshine.
“One interesting aspect of human nature is how the same temperatures we find chilly in the autumn, we find balmy in the spring,” Ken said.
“We deserve this after our long winter,” I said. But truly, this past winter had been so much fun. First the wedding, and then Ian getting me out to explore Ottawa. We’d gone to see the ice sculptures at Winterlude, skated the Canal, and gone to a wildlife park. Before my junk food binge, I was probably in the best shape since university.
Ken took a large bite of sandwich and began speaking. “Mmph bood dews froo.”
“Excuse me?” I said.
He swallowed. “I have good news for you. Something that might cheer you up. You’re going to have to organize another going away party.”
“Why would that cheer me up? Anyway, I’m not up to it.” That was my other problem: low energy. Sure, I was getting through everything at work, but once I got home all I could do was lie on the couch and watch mindless shows with Isaiah. Anything with romance, home improvement, or hockey was out, so we were currently binging cooking shows. The irony of watching multicourse dinners being prepared while eating Cheetos was not lost on me.
“Well, I’m glad that you’re finally drawing a line in the sand, but you’ll still be happy to hear who’s leaving,” Ken said.
“Who?”
“Cody Langdon.”
“What? Where is he going?” And who would be dumb enough to hire him?
“He’s leaving the government. He’s going to work for a hedge fund in Toronto.” Ken lowered his voice. “I’m almost certain that he exaggerated his role in some of the projects we did together.”
“You know, I just realized that I haven’t seen Cody in ages. In fact, he’s been avoiding me. One time, I ran to catch the elevator, and he actually got out. It’s weird.” But I hadn’t really noticed because nobody missed unpleasant things.
“I guess you’re right. He hasn’t hung around our desks or bugged us to get lunch or drinks in at least a month. Well, I hope he realizes it’s a lot easier to get fired in the private sector.”
“I’m not even going to his goodbye thing,” I declared. That was something else I’d learned from Ian, to be more assertive and less polite. Even Abby had been surprised by my refusal to discuss Ian and our breakup. Of course, I told her the basic facts, but I didn’t wallow. Because I’d thought long and hard about what I would have done differently. I would have told Ian right away, and I wouldn’t have tried to manage the process. I still didn’t think I was in the wrong, but I could see things from his side now.
“If we could harness your sighs to a power generator, it could be a new renewable energy resource,” Ken said.
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t even realize I was sighing.”
Ken nodded. “Well, perhaps I’m hyperaware because I sit next to you all day. Look, I’m not quite sure what to say to cheer you up. Usually people are vindictive after breakups, but you haven’t said a word about Ian. Do you think you’re going to get back together?” Ken had only met Ian once, but they’d hit it off surprisingly well.
I shook my head. “No. Obviously, I want to, but Ian isn’t a person who vacillates.”
“Can I ask what happened?”
“It’s a bit confusing. Basically, it boils down to trust and adaptability.”
Ian could get mad at me about not telling him about Lucas’s proposal, but it was his inflexibility that was the bigger problem. His insistence that he couldn’t trust me, that I was better off with Lucas, that we were only temporary. And he’d refused to listen to any of my arguments to the contrary. The more I thought about our breakup, the more I realized it was rooted in something deeper—something in Ian’s nature. He held himself apart even when he wanted to get closer. I still didn’t understand much about Ian’s past, but he’d have to figure this out for himself.
“It’ll all work out, Em.” Ken patted my shoulder awkwardly. He wasn’t really a touchy-feely person, and I appreciated all his effort today.
“You’re right,” I agreed. Sure, everything hurt right now, but someday I wouldn’t feel like half my soul had been ripped away. Soon, I hoped.
Ian
“You okay, Ian?” Donnie asked as we left the worksite.
“Yeah. Fine.” There was nothing physically wrong with me.
“You seem kinda distracted,” he said.
I nodded. I was aware that I’d been zoning out and unable to focus. My mind kept going back to Em. About the way her face had crumpled when I told her we were through. The sound of her crying—because I’d hurt her. Did she not get that everything was for her own good?
I sure as hell wasn’t going home either, because too many things in the house reminded me of Em. I got in the truck and drove. I took the Queensway west and turned off onto Highway 7. Drove back to Smiths Falls.
This town was where my grandparents used to live. My mother used to take me to visit them. Now I realized that she came back to get money, using me as bait. Because my grandpa sure as hell wouldn’t have given Deanna a dime. He knew she’d blow it on drink, drugs, or whatever the latest loser she was dating wanted.
I parked and walked around the downtown. The place had changed a lot since I’d left. Grandpa had worked at the Hershey Chocolate factory from the time he finished high school until he retired.
To me, that was a good life. You had a decent job, owned a nice little home, and lived in a town where you knew your friends and neighbours. Of course, everyone knew the bad shit too. Like the fact that your daughter ran away, got knocked up, and went crazy. That was probably the hardest part for my grandma. Going about her business and knowing people were talking behind her back.
I never knew any of that crap until I was older. All I knew was how happy I was when my grandma convinced my mother to leave me with them. I was only four, but I could still remember the thing I was most excited about: that I was going to get three meals a day. I used to be hungry all the time.
I walked by the old Hershey plant. After it closed, it lay empty for years. But now a marijuana growing company had taken it over. The town was booming again because of all the jobs created.
But I was glad that Grandpa hadn’t lived to see the takeover. He blamed drugs for my mother being such a fuckup. “She used to be such a good girl,” he’d say. I had no idea when that was, because from other stories I’d heard, she was trouble from an early age.
People nodded at me, but I didn’t know anyone anymore. We’d moved to Ottawa when I was eleven. My grandpa was retired by then, and when Grandma got sick, he wanted to be closer to the cancer clinic. It was a good move because she got better, and it was easy to visit her specialist afterwards. Ottawa was where my hockey took off and where I met good friends like Mason and Greg. Still, I thought of Smiths Falls as home.
I turned towards our old house. My grandpa died early, while I was still playing junior hockey. He had been proud of my hockey skills. At the end of his life, he was pretty out of it and thought I was playing for the Leafs. We’d have these long talks where I’d make up shit about my pro hockey life.
“I always knew you’d make it, Ian,” he kept saying. So even though I ended up failing him, he never knew it. Maybe that was better.
My grandma died when I was playing AHL hockey out on the west coast. When I came home for her funeral, my uncle tore a strip off me. “After everything she did for you, you couldn’t even visit when she was dying?”
I didn’t bother telling him that she told me on the phone not to come. She understood how hard it was to leave during the season. And I wasn’t some superstar, I was a bubble player. If I messed up, I’d get cut. I promised to come back as soon as the season was over, but we’d made the playoffs and gone two rounds.
But Uncle Don hated my mother and all the attention she’d gotten. And he hated me for all the money spent on my hockey. Family feuds usually boiled down to money. I’d always wanted to pay my grandparents back, but by the time I had enough, they were dead. And I sure as hell wasn’t paying anything to him.
When my grandparents had their funerals, nobody knew where my mother was. The last time I’d seen her, I was ten. And I had no desire to look her up. Maybe she was in rehab. Maybe she was dead. Nobody cared once my grandparents had passed. I’d be happy never seeing her again in my life.
A couple walked by me holding hands, and I thought of Em. I missed her in so many ways. She’d become this light in my life. My grandparents never talked about relationships. Mostly Grandpa warned me not to get some girl pregnant. But if I brought Em home to meet my grandparents, they would have liked her. She was smart, kind, and hard-working, all things they valued. Still, it would be nice to hear their approval and not to have to make all the decisions on my own.
I had this one girlfriend in high school, Carrie. She was perfect like Em: smart, talented, hot. Everyone thought I was a lucky bastard to be dating her. Everyone but Grandma. The only thing she said was “You could do better.” Later, I asked her why.
“Because she kept hurting you.” Carrie was into the drama, and she’d broke up with me a lot. I didn’t think it really bothered me because Carrie would want to get back together a week later. But it must have hurt. Drama was about ego, and Carrie cared more about herself than me.
Nobody could say that about Em. She was extremely considerate, always doing things for me or wanting to help me. And she didn’t need anything material from me. I hated dating women who saw me as a meal ticket. I worked hard and I saw money as freedom—to do what I wanted, to be able to walk from a situation I didn’t like. Or maybe I was still chasing the ghosts from my years with my mother.
As I turned the corner, there was a familiar creek where we used to play. There were bright green shoots alongside reddish stalks of pussy willows. They were pretty but they made me shudder. My mother told me that the buds were the toes ripped from kittens. Who the fuck would say that to a little kid? But that was the problem with addicts—you never knew who you were getting. Sometimes she was nice, but I could never count on her.
I walked by our old house. It hadn’t changed much but it looked neglected. My grandpa wouldn’t have been happy to see the house like this because he kept things spic and span. He had a workshop in the garage and that was where I learned to use tools. He was a strict man and not affectionate, but I respected him and followed his rules.
“Ian? Is that you?” a voice called out.
I looked up and saw our next-door neighbour on her front porch.
“Hey, Mrs. Prior.” I walked over to her yard.
She greeted me with a smile and a hug. “I saw you out there and thought you were a workman.”
“Yeah. I came straight from work. Didn’t think I’d see anyone I knew.”
“Oh, tell me about it. Everyone’s new around here. But I’m glad the economy’s picked up. Would you like to come in for a cup of coffee?”
“Thanks, but I’ve got to head back soon.” Back to what, though? No smiling Em to chatter about her day and make some magical meal out of whatever she found in the cupboard. No soft body to hold next to mine.
“Well, I’ll tell Blake that I saw you. Did you know he’s living in Brockville now?”
I shook my head, and she filled me in on the life of a childhood buddy I hadn’t seen in nearly twenty years.
“I love having grandchildren—I can spoil them, and when they cry, I hand them right back.” She laughed, and I knew she was kidding. Blake’s mother had always been so nice. Their house smelled like lemons and fresh-baked cookies. She was the one who used to put notes in his lunchbox.
Again, Em memories exploded in my brain. Without Em’s sweetness and affection in my life, the future stretched like an endless prairie highway.
“Are you all right?” Mrs. Prior asked. My face must have looked pained.
“Yeah, sorry. I’m fine,” I said. “Well, I better get going. Good to see you again. Say hi to Blake for me.”
She said goodbye and went inside. As I walked down the sidewalk, I turned back and looked at the light from the Priors’ living room glowing in the dusk. I used to envy Blake and his perfect, loving family. Sure, I felt guilty because I knew how much better it was to live with my grandparents than my mother. But there was a huge contrast between the easy affection and cheerful teasing at Blake’s house and the quiet of my home.
I took Em’s pink note out of my wallet. The edges were already worn, and I really should throw it away. What was the point of keeping it? It only reminded me of things I couldn’t have.
Em had offered me love—the kind of love I didn’t even realize I needed. But I wasn’t willing to take the risk of loving her back. Why? Because I was too afraid that shit might all go south. That I would fail her in the ways I’d failed my whole life.
My love had never saved anyone—not my grandparents or my mother. I was always going to be the guy on the outside.