Chapter Two

I REACHED the town of Keswick in Cumbria by late afternoon, and as I pulled up outside a B&B with a sign in the window announcing VACANCIES, finally I felt able to relax properly. I went into the building and booked a room for three nights, and then I parked the Mini on the forecourt in front of the large old house as instructed. I unloaded my things and took them up to the comfortable room I’d been allocated. It had a queen-size bed and a tiny bathroom in one corner containing a toilet, sink, and shower. It was perfect.

I showered first, put on fresh clothes, and then ventured out to find food and a public phone. It was the first time in almost three years I’d done anything alone, and it seemed like a big adventure. I didn’t let myself think about what I’d left behind. There was no need. For those three days and nights, it was far enough away for me not to care.

I found a phone and rang Sarah. She’d be home from work by now, and I knew she’d be worried sick about me and waiting for news. She snatched up the phone on the first ring as if she’d been holding it.

“It’s me. I’m in Keswick,” I said.

“Oh, Tommy! Thank God! I was so worried.” She burst into tears.

“It’s okay, I’m fine. Nothing happened. Colin came back while I was packing, but the police turned up a few minutes later.”

“Thank God,” Sarah repeated and sniffed. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Thanks. I’m glad you called them.”

“How badly did he hurt you?”

“He didn’t get a chance.”

“I didn’t mean today. I meant before.”

“Don’t ask me about it.” I shook my head as if she could see me. “Not now. I’m all right.”

“Your old room’s ready for you.” She changed the subject and put on a happier tone. “Mum can’t wait to have you back. She’ll want to start feeding you up the minute you get in the door. The last time I saw you, you were much too thin, and that must have been months ago.”

“Tell your mum thank you for having me again. I’m looking forward to seeing her. I’ll pick some flowers up on the way back.”

“Don’t be silly, Tommy. You’re family. You don’t have to say thanks. Just bring yourself.”

We talked for another minute until the pound coin I’d put into the phone ran out. I reminded myself to get a mobile phone as soon as I could. I’d had one when I met Colin, but he’d smashed it one day when he caught me texting Sarah.

“Fuck him,” I muttered aloud. I’d promised myself not to think about it anymore until I had to go back to Grimsby.

I found an appealing café and treated myself to steak and kidney pie with mashed potatoes and vegetables. The meal was the best thing I’d eaten in a long time, and I savored every bite. I finished with apple pie and custard, and a large mug of strong coffee.

Only four other people were in the café, and they left while I was eating. The large, middle-aged lady who seemed to be doing everything except the cooking chatted to me for a few minutes as she cleared my table, and I made sure to tell her the food was amazing. When I said I’d come back the next day, she told me in a conspiratorial whisper that the day’s special would be shepherd’s pie.

I spent the next half hour walking around the town. Most of the shops were closed for the day, but there were plenty of people coming and going in the eating establishments and bars. A lot were dressed in the traditional tourist outfits of the area—assorted outdoor gear with hiking boots, a lot of them with small rucksacks, hiking sticks, and maps. I planned to join them the next day.

That night I slept better than I had since I’d lived with Colin. The thing about him was he didn’t work and he was a night owl. He’d rarely wanted to sleep before two in the morning, and he’d expected me to stay up with him, regardless of the fact I had to go to work. He hadn’t cared. Me wanting to sleep when he was awake had been selfish and denying him my time. It had been rare for me to get more than five hours’ sleep a night during the week, and by Thursday I’d always felt like a zombie. I’d struggled to do my job properly, and I knew I’d looked like shit from lack of sleep.

No amount of discussions had made any difference to Colin. If I’d fallen asleep before him, I’d been woken up in a variety of ways: a rough prod if he was feeling kind, or a kick to the ribs if he wasn’t. Sometimes I’d woken to find him forcing his cock into my mouth or up my ass. The lack of sleep had often made me more miserable than his treatment, and consequently I’d been happy to stay asleep with him until past noon on the weekends, in an effort to catch up.

I woke in the luxury of the small B&B the next morning, in exactly the same position I’d fallen asleep. The bed covers were unrumpled, and I felt rested and wide awake, ready to go. Something as simple as sleeping as much as you wanted seemed amazing to me. Again I pushed that thought aside, sprang out of bed, and headed for the shower.

I made the most of every minute of those few days in Cumbria. I climbed the Cat Bells, my favorite mini-mountain. Parts of the trail were steep and even though it wasn’t of a great height—only fifteen hundred feet—by the time I reached the top I was out of breath and sweating. The view over Derwentwater and the surrounding mountains was stunning and my only regret was that I didn’t have a phone or camera to immortalize the moment.

The next day I went on a short cruise on Lake Windermere and bought some souvenirs for Sarah and her mum. It didn’t occur to me to buy anything for myself, but the trip itself was my gift.

By the time I packed up and left the B&B on Saturday morning, I felt refreshed and ready to face my return home. I took my time on the journey, and it was mid-afternoon before I reached the outskirts of Grimsby. I felt nervous, and I knew it would be a while before I could relax completely. I had no idea how Colin would behave if I ran into him, and I dreaded finding out.

Both Sarah and her mum, Shirley, hugged me when I reached their house. Shirley told me I was welcome as long as I wanted to stay, and Sarah followed me up to my room and sat on the bed while I began putting my clothes away.

“You don’t have to tell me about it,” she said. “I know I asked, but you don’t have to answer. I just wanted to know you’re okay.”

“I’m okay.” I gave her a smile and made light of it a little. “He beat me up a few times, but a lot of it was more... emotional. All those excuses I made for not seeing you were because of him being possessive. He didn’t like me to spend time on anything or anyone besides him. He took everything away from me I ever cared about. Except the car. I don’t know how I hung onto that.”

“I’m sorry. I wish you’d talked to us sooner.” Sarah looked up at me with tears in her big blue eyes. “You shouldn’t have had to go through that. Why didn’t you say something? We guessed things weren’t right.”

“I don’t know. I was scared. I didn’t think it would’ve made any difference. It doesn’t matter now. It’s behind me.”

“Okay.” She looked doubtful, but I didn’t want to go into any more detail. I wanted to forget about it and focus on the life ahead of me. “So, tell me about the Lakes. What did you do? Mum took me once when I was a kid, but I was too little to remember it.”

I told her about the trip in minute detail—right down to the lady in the café, whose name I’d learned was Julia, and the sheep that had tried to steal my sandwiches when I ate lunch on top of the Cat Bells. I found myself laughing, and it was a sound alien to my ears. I planned to do a lot more of it in the future.

Monday came around all too soon and I had to go back to work. For the first time in six months, I drove the Mini into town instead of having to get the bus. I strode into the office where I worked in IT, wearing the new blue shirt Shirley had bought for me and a pair of smart black trousers. I’d been fairly scruffy for the past couple of years, and I knew I hadn’t been on top of my game. I was lucky I hadn’t lost my job because of it, not to mention all the time I’d taken off sick.

My colleagues looked at me in surprise when I walked in. None of them knew about my situation. They knew I was gay, but nothing else. It was clear I seemed different to them, and I gave them each a smile as I sat down at my desk. I planned to turn things around from now on. I was the junior IT specialist, and with my supervisor set to retire in the next year, I wanted to work hard and get a promotion rather than have them bring in another senior above me. Such a thing would never have crossed my mind a week ago. But now whatever else I might fail at, I was determined to do well in my work.

It was ten o’clock when my desk phone rang. I had a direct-dial number which put people straight through to me without them having to go via the receptionist. I answered, as usual, with the company name and then my own.

“Tommy?”

I stopped breathing and felt a shiver run down my spine at his voice. I’d tried to tell myself he’d leave me alone and that I’d never hear from him again, but I wasn’t surprised that hadn’t happened. I gave myself a quick pep talk while I struggled to control my panic. Get a grip. He can’t hurt you anymore.

“What?” I grunted.

“Can we talk? Please, sweetheart?” He always wheedled after he’d beaten me or mentally tortured me. The sweet words would expand into how much he loved me and how he regretted it and he’d never do it again. He only hurt me because he was so crazy about me and he couldn’t stand the thought of losing me. I sucked in a breath and swallowed hard.

“Go to hell.” I placed the phone handset gently back in its cradle and clenched both fists on the desktop. My heart slammed against my ribs and I could hear rushing in my ears. I took another deep breath and another, afraid I might faint.

“Tommy, are you okay? You’re a bit pale.” One of the older women in the office came to my desk. “Shall I make you a cup of tea?”

“No, thanks, Margaret, I’m fine. Someone stepped on my grave, that’s all.” I shook myself and forced a smile onto my face as I looked up at her. “It’s all good.”

“You know, you seem a bit different today. Brighter. Did you leave him?”

I gaped at her. “What do you...? How did you...?”

“My daughter’s been through it,” she said quietly. “Some years ago. Her husband beat her several times and threatened the kids. She looked just like you did until last week. And just like you do now when she got away.”

I felt any remaining color leach out of my face, and I found I couldn’t look away from her kind brown eyes. A fellow survivor—or at least her daughter was.

“Is she okay?” I whispered.

“She is now. She’s happy with a new man. Planning to marry next year. How about you?”

“I’ll be okay. I moved in with my friend and her mum.”

“Was that him on the phone?”

I nodded. “I wasn’t sure if he’d contact me or not.”

“Well, you know where I am if you want to chat,” Margaret said. “If you need somebody who’s seen it all before, we can go for a drink or something. If you ever want to. As for him... if he’s anything like my ex-son-in-law, they’re mostly cowards inside. If you stand up to him, he’ll realize he can’t bully you anymore and it’ll be over.”

“Thank you, Margaret.” I gave the woman a more genuine smile. She left me and went back to her desk, and I got on with my work. I didn’t get another call, either that day or the next or the one after that. Just like that, he’d given up, although it took me longer than a few days to accept it. It was weeks before I stopped looking over my shoulder, and I found it difficult to believe he would just let me go. Every time my phone rang, I answered it with trepidation. Wherever I went, I glanced furtively around me, looking at every face I passed, certain it was only a matter of time before I ran into him. But I never did.

Sarah and Shirley made me feel like part of the family again from the moment I walked in their door. I’d known Sarah since primary school, and we’d always played together as kids. Sarah’s dad had left Shirley when she was pregnant and never returned, so it had always been just the two of them. Shirley had virtually taken the place of my own mother, after my dad and I lost her to cancer when I was ten. I’d always wondered whether Mum would have accepted me for who I was. She’d been a loving person, and I couldn’t imagine her turning her back on me.

I’d come out to Shirley when I was sixteen and made her promise not to tell my dad before I did. I’d heard him rant at the TV about gays, and I’d dreaded telling him. But when I was eighteen, I knew I couldn’t keep it a secret forever. I was working by then, and I knew if the worse came to the worst, I could find somewhere else to live.

My fears were realized the moment I’d said those words: “I’m gay”. Dad had flown off the handle and told me I was a disgrace and no son of his. He’d given me an hour to pack my things and get out of the house. I hadn’t expected Shirley to take me in, but I’d asked to stay for a few days while I found somewhere for myself. She’d told me not to be silly and to take the third bedroom and make it mine. I’d stayed until two months after I met Colin, over a year later.

I remembered exactly what Shirley had said to me before I left. She’d worried it was too soon and that I barely knew the man. I’d been adamant I was totally in love and it was going to be perfect. She’d reminded me my room was always there, should I need it, and so was she.

I’d felt guilty for turning my back on the two of them. When I’d first moved in with Colin, I’d still seen Sarah and Shirley a couple of times a month. They’d wanted me to take Colin to see them, too, but he wouldn’t go, and it wasn’t long after that, he’d started to protest about me going there. He’d said it upset him that I had family when he didn’t and I was being hurtful by rubbing his nose in it. The guilt trips turned into threats, and eventually I’d stopped the visits altogether. I wouldn’t have blamed them if they’d turned their backs on me, too, but they’d just waited and worried. And now I was back, and they made me feel like I’d never been away.

There was just one thing missing for me. Colin had spent so long drumming into me that I was a failure at everything and no one could possibly want me except him, since I looked like shit, that I was convinced this was true. I’d gotten myself together at work and improved in all aspects. As a result, I’d been praised by my supervisor, but personally, I felt like I had nothing to offer. I needed someone to show me I was wrong, but I feared stepping outside my comfort zone and looking for someone. I’d deleted my MySpace profile shortly after I’d started dating Colin—at his request, of course—and now I had little contact with the outside world except through work.

I’d gone out with Sarah a few times, but it was just friends hanging out, and when she had other people come over, they were girls, most of whom probably thought I was weird and quiet. Sarah had met a man through one of her friends the previous weekend and was in the process of getting ready for a date. I sat on my bed, thinking, and trying to decide what to do with myself. I needed to meet people, but I wasn’t sure how.

I switched on the desktop computer I’d treated myself to a week ago and searched the Internet for suitable local nightlife. The first thing I found was a gay nightclub named La Rues in town. Did I have the courage to go to a place like that on my own?

I reminded myself I was a new person. The day I walked out of the flat I shared with Colin was the first day of the rest of my life. I could do anything I wanted. I kept telling myself that, but my confidence flagged within minutes, and I flopped onto my bed despondently.

“You’re lucky you have me, you worthless little shit.”

I heard Colin’s words in my head as clearly as if he were standing in front of me. He’d said those words, or something similar, so many times. I remembered standing in the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror, trying to cover up a bruise with makeup after one of the rare occasions he’d hit me in the face. Colin had come in and stood behind me. He’d snaked an arm around me and gripped my chin painfully. I recalled the rest of the conversation word for word.

“Look at yourself. You look like shit. You can cover up the bruise, but you can’t hide the rest of it.”

“If I’m so ugly, why do you want me?” I asked boldly. I was having the worst day. Three hours’ sleep, woken up with his cock ramming into my ass with no preparation, a punch when I screamed too loudly. I knew I looked like shit with my eye swollen and black, my skin so pale it was translucent, and dark bags under both eyes from lack of sleep. My hair hadn’t been washed in two days, and I stank of stale sweat because he hadn’t let me have a shower.

I met his eyes in the mirror, and as I waited for his answer, I wondered what I was doing. It was something I’d asked myself many times. Why do I let him do this to me? Why don’t I walk out? I’ve got nothing to lose.

“Because you’re a half-decent fuck when you make an effort,” he said crudely. “Unlike this morning.”

“You hurt me.” I meant to sound sharper than I did, but the words came out as a whimper.

“And whose fault is that? You dare to fight me?” The hand on my chin tightened, and he leaned in closer until I could feel his restrained erection against my ass. He was always hard. He wanted to have sex at every opportunity. Some of the time he told me it was because he was crazy about me and he felt horny all the time thinking about me, but the rest of the time he said we were in a relationship and that meant I had to give him what he wanted, regardless of how I felt. It was about compromise. The times I was too sore to take it, he made me suck him until my jaw ached, or he fucked my mouth until I gagged.

I closed my eyes, not wanting to see myself in the mirror anymore. He was right. I was unattractive, pathetic, and a failure. If I didn’t have him, what would I have? I’d be alone. No one else would want me. Tears squeezed out from beneath my eyelids and trickled down my face. My nose began to run as I wept, and Colin pulled away from me in disgust.

“Fucking cry-baby Tommy. Grow up.”

I tried to force the memory away, but my mind continued to replay the scene as if it were a movie which wouldn’t turn off.

He’d taken another look at me and practically thrown me into the shower, telling me I stank and it was about time I did something about it. I’d slipped and stumbled to my knees on the wet tiles. I’d knocked the shower rack as I went down, and it had fallen from its bracket, scattering bottles of shower gel and shampoo around me. Then I’d been criticized for being clumsy and stupid, as well as ugly and worthless. When I’d regained consciousness after his punishment, I’d barely been able to move. He’d punched me repeatedly in the stomach and once more in the face. It had taken me twenty minutes to wash myself, and no amount of makeup would cover my split lip.

When I’d limped into the bedroom to find some clean clothes, he’d gathered me into his arms and begged forgiveness. He’d said he was sorry, he hated himself, he didn’t know why he’d done it, he loved me so much, and it hurt him when I protested about him showing me how much I meant to him.

“Tommy, are you going to stay in here all day?” Sarah appeared in my doorway, all dressed up in a new outfit, ready for her date.

“You look pretty.” I ignored her question.

“Thanks. You look upset. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Just a bad memory. Go on and enjoy yourself. I might go out later.”

I had no intention of going out, but as the day dragged on, I changed my mind. I told myself I would go out to that club, buy one drink, and then leave. At least it would get me out of the house, and I’d be able to see how people reacted to me. Colin had put me down constantly, but it didn’t mean the things he said were true. I needed to keep telling myself that until someone proved me right.

I ate dinner with Shirley and then went to my room to get ready. Sarah was still out so I couldn’t talk to her about it. I showered and dried my hair and then stood looking critically at myself in my bedroom mirror.

My neat, close-cropped blond hair contrasted with my long fringe on the left side, which hung over my eye. My green eyes shone when I pulled my soft, full lips up into a smile, and my straight nose tilted upward just slightly at the end. My slim body was hairless, with the exception of the narrow line running from my navel to my crotch, and I kept my light brown bush of pubic hair well-trimmed. I didn’t really think I was ugly. Maybe a little plain, but not bad.

I sprayed on deodorant, added some cologne, and picked out some clothes. I chose plain gray jersey briefs, a new pair of dark jeans, and a white shirt with small gray dots on it. It was June and warm outside, so I didn’t bother with a jacket. I checked I had cash in my wallet and tucked it into one of my pockets; then I put my new mobile phone in another pocket. I grabbed my car keys, said goodbye to Shirley, who seemed astonished but pleased I was going out, and then I was on my way.

I drove into town and parked a couple of hundred yards away from La Rues. I walked slowly to the club and carried on past the building, and then turned back to the door. I’d never been in a gay club in my life, and the thought terrified me. I almost changed my mind and went home, but I forced myself to continue and go in. I would get one drink, I reminded myself. I doubted anyone would speak to me, but at least I wouldn’t be hiding at home night after night, longing for company and wondering if there might be someone out there for me.