Chapter Four

GARY LASTED a couple of months before I got bored. We had sex on the second date, and I found him to be clumsy and inexperienced. That changed quickly over the weeks because, as with Colin, we didn’t do much else. We had very little in common, and after the first two or three times, we didn’t go on dates or do much of anything other than meet up and have sex. He spent a lot of time pleasuring me and seemed to get off on it, but I wanted more than I was getting. He told me he loved me after only two weeks, and I knew I didn’t feel the same. At the beginning, I’d felt like I was falling for him, but I quickly realized it was infatuation brought on by the fact he made me feel wanted and attractive. The feeling boosted my confidence, and I was certain there would be another man out there who would be perfect for me. I just had to find him.

I tested the water by going to La Rues again. I was still seeing Gary, but I didn’t think it would hurt to see what kind of reaction I got now I had more confidence in myself. I strutted in there one Friday night and made my way to the bar. Gary was at home sick with a stinking summer cold, and I felt marginally guilty for being out without him. I bought my usual half a lager and leaned on the bar while I looked around.

It wasn’t long before I caught someone’s attention. A tall, slim, dark-haired man with a long fringe like mine and huge dark eyes looked at me from the dance floor. He gave me a grin, and his full lips parted to show a row of perfect white teeth. I lifted my chin an inch and smiled back. I felt amazing. It wasn’t only Gary who liked me. Other men—at least one—liked me, too.

When the tall, good-looking man beckoned to me, I left the bar without hesitation and joined him on the dance floor. In seconds we were gyrating together, rubbing our erections against each other through our clothes. Half an hour after that I was on my knees in a toilet cubicle, sucking his cock.

The man’s name was Shane, and he’d recently broken up with someone. He fucked my mouth vigorously and afterward gave me a quick wank before we went back to the dance floor. I left later with his phone number and a mild feeling of discomfort about Gary. I’d cheated, but the excitement of being wanted outweighed my guilt. I couldn’t wait to see Shane again.

I went to see Gary on Saturday and spent an hour commiserating over him being ill and fidgeting awkwardly before I plucked up the courage to tell him I didn’t want to see him anymore. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I also didn’t want to be that person who was unfaithful. He’d be far more upset if I did that and he found out. I knew what it felt like to be on the receiving end. Colin had done it to me once—more than once, for all I knew. I hadn’t found out about that first time by accident. He’d told me about it with the intention of destroying me a little bit more. I could remember the glee on his face when he’d told me in detail about how tight the little blond boy he’d fucked had been. He’d had all of my attention by that point in our relationship, but apparently it hadn’t been enough. Knowing he cheated had made me all the more desperate to be with him and keep him to myself, and I’d redoubled my efforts to please him.

I felt sick that I’d almost done the same thing Colin had. Sucking Shane’s cock was bad enough. How would Gary feel if he’d found out? There was no way I would tell him what I’d done, and I did my best to let him down gently.

I told Gary it wasn’t working and we had nothing in common. I liked him and he was a lovely person, but I didn’t want to continue it. I said sorry over and over, especially when his face fell a mile and he gazed at me with wide, hurt eyes. He suggested maybe I’d been on the rebound from Colin and if we took a break, it might work in a few weeks’ time. He was willing to wait as long as I needed, and I felt worse than ever.

“I’m sorry,” I said yet again. “It’s not that. I’m not going to feel differently later.”

Gary sighed heavily. “Okay. You’ve obviously made your mind up.”

I nodded. “I’m sorry, Gary.”

I left and went home. I should have been at least a little sad, but I felt relieved and free. And I felt a delicious jolt of excitement when Shane sent me a text and asked me to meet him in town at eight o’clock that evening. I spent an hour getting ready and making myself look good. I arrived half an hour early in the bar in Cleethorpes. I bought half a pint of lager as always and waited for Shane with a pounding heart and damp palms.

Shane wandered into the bar twenty minutes late, when I’d begun to think he wouldn’t show up. He gave me an idle nod and ordered a drink for himself, ignoring my almost empty glass. We went to sit in a corner, and he stretched his arm out along the back of my seat. He stroked my neck with the tips of his fingers, and his eyes smoldered as he looked at me, but we didn’t talk much. I tried several times to get a conversation going, but he had nothing to say. He was an electrician. He lived with two house mates. He was twenty-three years old. That was all. I talked about myself a little, but he didn’t seem to be interested in anything I said.

Half an hour into the evening, I began to wonder if Shane really liked me at all, or if I’d made a stupid mistake. But he moved closer to me until his thigh pressed against mine and dropped his arm around my shoulders. When I turned my head to look into his large dark eyes, he leaned down and kissed me.

We hadn’t kissed the night before. We got each other off and that was all. Now we kissed, and he had a mouth like a vacuum cleaner. He pushed his tongue into my mouth and then sucked on mine until I thought he might tear it out by the roots. I imagined how it would feel if he gave me a blow job, and my cock stiffened in my loose-fitting jeans. When he put his hand between my legs and rubbed me through my clothes, I had to fight not to lose control. He stopped kissing me and nibbled on my ear instead.

“I want to fuck you,” he whispered. He continued stroking my hardness and then dipped his fingers lower and gave my balls a squeeze. I groaned and closed my eyes. Shane chuckled and resumed his assault on my cock. “Gonna come for me?”

“Oh, God... not here,” I said breathlessly.

He laughed and took his hand away. I hissed through my teeth. I was so close I feared I’d come without any further stimulation. My underwear was wet with precome and my erection throbbed. Shane moved his hand to his own crotch and palmed the bulge in his trousers. I squirmed in my seat and restrained myself with difficulty from copying him.

“Let’s get out of here.” Shane got up abruptly and made for the door. Cursing, I shoved my hands into my pockets as I followed him. It was uncomfortable to walk, and I was sure my predicament would be obvious to anyone who looked at me. Shane didn’t seem to care whether anyone noticed his state of arousal or what they might think.

We turned down a side street, and Shane stopped beside a van parked at the curb. He unlocked it and got in, then waited while I scrambled into the passenger seat.

“Is this yours?” I asked and immediately felt stupid.

“Yeah, it’s my work van. Plenty of room in the back.” He grinned and started the engine.

I stayed silent while he drove, and I realized we were heading for Bonkers’ Bank. It was dusk, and a couple of cars were there already. Shane parked the van a little distance from them and left the ignition on, with music blasting from the radio. We climbed over the seats into the back, and Shane unrolled a sleeping bag and spread it out on the floor. He produced a small torch from somewhere and propped it up in a corner so we had just enough light to see what we were doing. He took a condom and a small sachet of lube from his pocket and told me without preamble to get my clothes off.

The lack of foreplay didn’t really bother me. I was so hard I just wanted to come, and when Shane wriggled out of his jeans and boxer shorts, it was clear he was just as keen. His cock glistened with precome, the foreskin rolled back from the head.

He didn’t take much time to prepare me. One finger coated in lube, quickly followed by another, and a minute later he started to fuck me from behind. I braced my knees apart and held onto the back of the driver’s seat, clenching my teeth against the initial pain when he drove into me. He didn’t say anything as he did it. He panted loudly, and I could hear skin slapping against skin and feel his balls bouncing against me. When the discomfort eased and it began to feel good, I pushed back against him with enthusiasm. He didn’t make any attempt to touch my cock, and I took one hand off the seat and stroked it until I came.

Shane took a long time to finish. He eventually pulled out and disposed of the condom, and I flinched from the residual soreness. I turned around and sat gingerly on the sleeping bag. It was only then that he kissed me again. It was brief but enthusiastic, and then he drew back and grinned at me.

“That was hot, man. You’re so fucking tight.”

It was all he said to me until we parted. Despite my discomfort, I was happy about the way things had gone. I liked being wanted, especially by someone as gorgeous as Shane. He probably could have had anyone, but he’d picked me.

Shane dropped me off close to where I’d parked the Mini and then drove away. He said he’d ring me during the week, and I knew I’d be counting off the days. Despite his lack of conversation, he was someone I could really fall for.

I met him again on Thursday night, and this time he took me to the house he shared with two other men. They were a couple, and both gave me a grin and a wink as Shane led me up to his room.

What followed was similar to the first time. We sucked each other, but Shane didn’t let me come, and he pulled out of my mouth before he finished. He spent a brief couple of minutes preparing me, and then fucked me with my knees pressed against my chest. It didn’t occur to me to protest that I wasn’t ready and that it hurt. I was too happy that this gorgeous, sexy man of few words wanted to be with me. His dark eyes shone as he looked down into mine, and he smiled as he filled the condom. I was falling, and it was a nice feeling. We arranged to see each other again on Saturday. He asked me to bring a change of clothes and a toothbrush so I could stay the night with him.

Shane rang me the next day after work, and my heart leapt when his name came up on my phone. I was in the lounge talking to Sarah, and I jogged upstairs to my room as I answered the call. I told myself he couldn’t wait until Saturday and wanted to speak to me in the meantime.

“Hi, Shane,” I said brightly.

“Hi.” He cleared his throat. “About Saturday....”

“Yes?” I wondered if the arrangement for the weekend was to change.

“It’s not gonna happen. I’m sorry.”

“Oh!” I felt the smile slip from my face, and I waited for him to elaborate.

“I’ve got a girlfriend. She’s been working in Spain for a few weeks, and I didn’t think she was coming back until next month, but she turned up this morning. Sorry.”

“Girlfriend?” I echoed, stunned.

“Yeah, I’m bi.”

“I thought you said you broke up with someone recently.”

“Well, she’s been away a long time, and we’d had a row when I said that.” I could picture him shrugging as he spoke.

“Oh. Okay. No problem.” I did my best to sound as if I didn’t care, while my heart plummeted into my shoes and tears prickled at the back of my eyes. When I ended the call, I reminded myself about everything that had been wrong in the very brief relationship. He didn’t talk, we had nothing in common, and he was inconsiderate in bed. But I’d liked him, far too much, and it fucking hurt that he had a girlfriend I didn’t know about. It hurt that he’d probably only been using me to fill in the time until she came back.

I curled up on my bed and wrapped my arms around myself. I wouldn’t let myself cry—I’d done far too much of that over Colin—but my throat hurt with the effort of not giving in to it, and my jaw ached from grinding my teeth. I lost track of time as I lay there feeling sorry for myself and wondering if I should have stayed with Gary after all.

“Tommy?” Sarah called softly from the doorway and waited.

“Yeah.” I rolled onto my back and forced a smile onto my face.

“What’s wrong, hun?” She closed the door and came to sit on the edge of my bed. My smile apparently hadn’t been very convincing, and I let it slip away.

“Nothing, I’m okay.”

“You were all excited when your phone rang, and now you look like a puppy that’s been kicked.”

“Thanks.” I grimaced and tried to laugh it off.

“Is it that bloke you’ve been seeing?”

“Shane. I’m not seeing him anymore. He’s got a girlfriend,” I blurted out. My eyes smarted again, and I blinked.

“I’m sorry.” Sarah rested her hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “But you’d only seen him a couple of times, hadn’t you?”

“Yeah, well, I’m a prick. We didn’t even have much in common. Less than me and Gary. But somehow I suppose I....” I sniffed miserably and sat up. “I really liked him.”

“Oh, Tommy.” Sarah slid her arms around me to give me a cuddle, and I sagged against her. I felt pathetic. I couldn’t say I was heartbroken over someone I’d had sex with twice, but I felt the sharp pain of rejection all over again, and the fragile confidence I’d built up since I left Colin began to crumble. Shane slipped from my mind, and I thought of a situation I’d been in with Colin more times than I could count.

“Get your shit packed and get out of here, Tommy.” Colin sneered at me from the couch. “You’re a pathetic waste of space and I’m sick of the sight of you.”

“You seriously want me to leave? Who’s going to pay the bills, then?” I asked.

“I’ll have no trouble getting a new flat mate. I don’t know why I haven’t done this sooner. There are plenty of cute boys out there. I don’t know why I stuck with the ugly little slut you are for so long.”

“Fine. I’ll go.” I turned away from him as hot tears spilled down my cheeks. He didn’t want me, didn’t care about me. I felt lost and crushed and relieved all at the same time. Maybe this time he’d really let me go.

I went into the bedroom and found my rucksack. I began packing my clothes first, while I sobbed and snuffled, and repeatedly wiped my eyes and nose on my sleeves. It was just after our first anniversary. He’d given me the ring and told me how much he loved me, how special I was to him, and how things would be perfect between us from now on. I’d almost forgotten all the times he’d hurt me, and even though I didn’t like the ring, I’d been delighted to receive it. It made me believe he really did love me. The next couple of days had been perfect—until now. I could barely remember what had started it—something to do with him not liking my suggestion we go out somewhere. We spent our whole lives cooped up in the flat except for me going to work and him going fishing with Gary. I’d thought we could do something nice together, but he could only see that I wanted to get out so I could look at other men or get attention from them.

I crammed the last few items into my rucksack and set it aside. I looked up to find Colin standing in the doorway, watching me.

“I’m sorry, babe,” he said. “I didn’t mean any of it. You know how jealous I get. I love you so much, and I want to keep you all to myself.”

“So why did you tell me to leave?” I said in a small voice.

“I wasn’t thinking straight. I don’t want you to leave. I never want you to leave.” He came to me and took my hands. He stroked his thumb over the ring I wore. “This means we’re together forever. I’m never gonna let you go, Tommy. I promise.” He began kissing my face all over, tasting my tears. “Forgive me. Come on. You know I love you.”

The day had ended with him fucking me on the floor from behind, so hard he’d almost smashed my head into the wall. I’d been so sore afterward, I could barely sit down without yelping.

“Tommy, are you sure this is just about Shane?” Sarah was stroking my hair, and I realized I’d wept all over her blouse and left a wet patch on her shoulder. I pulled away and rubbed my hands over my face.

“Sorry. Uh... yeah, I’m just being stupid. I thought things were going well. Clearly I was wrong.”

“Are you sure that’s all? You seem so upset.”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You know, I don’t get why you broke up with Gary. He seemed really nice.” Sarah frowned in puzzlement. “He treated you well, didn’t he?”

“Yes, but we had nothing in common. We never did anything except... never mind.” I laughed and felt my face heat up. “I’m fine, really.”

I was fine. I moped for two days and then went out to La Rues again. I met Paul, whom I dated for two weeks. He was ginger and freckled, and I wasn’t really attracted to him, but he was keen on me and he made me feel better. My confidence rose again, and I forgot about Shane. I felt good and I began to feel I could get anyone I wanted.

I broke up with Paul when I met Mike. He was an IT specialist who visited my place of work to train us on a new software system. The look in his eyes told me he wanted me, and I wrote my mobile phone number on the back of the business card I gave him.

Mike was tall and thin, with mousy brown hair and glasses—the typical computer geek. He was no more my type than Paul, but he liked me, and he drove fifty miles to see me a couple of times a week. He lived near Newark, but he was keen enough to spend hours on the road to take me on dates. We went to restaurants and the cinema and shopping, and each time he bought me a gift. Sometimes it was a CD or chocolate; other times we’d shop together and he’d buy me things to wear when I liked the look of a particular item. He spoiled me and fawned over me, but he didn’t try to have sex with me until one time when Shirley and Sarah were both out and I took him up to my room.

Our first time was fairly disastrous. I got the feeling he’d never done it before. He fumbled a condom on without preparing me first and I had to do it myself. He apologized several times and lost his erection. By the time we eventually did it, I wasn’t very turned on either, and I idly played with my cock while he fucked me, gently and awkwardly. When he finished, he told me he loved me. I resolved to find someone else as quickly as possible.

I tried analyzing my behavior one time, when Anton was plowing into me from behind. He was much older than me. He told me he was forty, but I guessed he was considerably older than that. His skin was leathered from working in the sun at a theme park on the south coast, but with the summer season over, he’d decided to travel for a while. He stayed in Cleethorpes while we were seeing each other. When we had sex, he took so long I had time to think about all kinds of things. The fact that he liked me on my hands and knees meant he couldn’t see my face, which I imagined carried a bored expression while my imagination drifted away.

I decided I was choosing men whom I was unlikely to fall for, so I wouldn’t get hurt again. At the same time, I dated anyone who asked me. I thought I was popular and desirable, and I loved that feeling. It was something I hadn’t had since I first met Colin.

I broke up with Anton not long after he said he was falling for me. It was the end of October, and I didn’t want him to get ideas about sticking around for Christmas. He seemed heartbroken when I told him it was over, but for me it was a relief. For once I hadn’t met anyone else yet, but I resolved to do just that on Saturday night. La Rues beckoned, and I knew there would be a man in there—or several—who would want me.