Chapter Seven

I BEGAN attending the Jujitsu sessions regularly with Sarah and Jake. On the rare occasions they had something else to do, I went on my own. There was a small parking area close to the club, and when I parked the Mini there, I often found it accompanied by an almost identical car. Both were red, but the other had chrome bumpers and alloy wheels. It made me think about doing up my own little car. I’d always loved the Mini, and I couldn’t imagine parting with it anytime soon.

My usual training partner at the martial arts club was Marcus, but occasionally I’d work with Jake or another black belt named Sam. He was surly and didn’t say much, but he was an excellent tutor. I enjoyed the sessions more and more, and I began to notice a physical difference, too. I’d always been slim and undefined, but six hours of physical activity each week began to strengthen my arms, shoulders, and legs. I was never going to have real muscles, but I thought I looked much better.

Almost three months passed, and during that time I was graded twice and earned the right to wear a yellow belt over my new “gi”, the proper name for the white pajamas. The next goal was an orange belt, and I was halfway through learning the throws and defensive moves for it. I loved the throws more than anything. The fact that I could throw a man twice my size over my shoulder was amazing. The club gave me more confidence in myself, and at the same time, I got to know a bunch of great people. Several of them became friends, particularly Jake whom I hadn’t known well up to then, and Marcus.

During that time I hadn’t been out once. The more I thought about it after talking to Margaret, the more I hated the person I’d become. I was keen to leave him behind and do something for myself. I stopped going to La Rues and letting myself be picked up by every random man who liked the look of me. Strangely for the first time in years, I wasn’t lonely. I didn’t have a man, and I missed sex, even if it was only a quickie in a toilet or at Bonkers’ Bank. But I had friends—real friends—who liked me and wanted to spend time with me. Shirley, Sarah, and Margaret all noticed the difference in me, and what Margaret said to me was the most significant, although it shocked me at the time. She told me I no longer seemed like a victim.

When the Easter break came, my office closed for the long weekend, but Jujitsu continued, even on Easter Sunday. Sarah and Jake didn’t go, so I went on my own. I parked next to the other red Mini, which I hadn’t seen for a couple of weeks. When I went in, only Marcus and Sam were in the club, and although we waited until ten minutes after the start time, no one else arrived. I assumed the Mini must belong to one of them, unless it was a visitor to one of the nearby flats.

“It looks as if it’s just us three, then,” Marcus said.

“I might as well bugger off. No point two black belts being here.” Sam went to take off his gi, leaving me with Marcus.

“Do you still want to train?” Marcus asked me.

“Yes, definitely. I really want to get that orange belt.” I gave him my subs money, and he wrote my name in the book under the date.

“It should only take a couple more sessions. You’re almost there.” Marcus gave me a smile and locked the book and the cash tin away. “We’ll practice everything you need to do for the grading, and then we’ll try a free-for-all. I’ll be the bad guy, and you’re not going to know where the attacks will come from, so you’ll have to use the most appropriate technique for each one.”

“Okay.”

We spent half an hour going through the list of things I would need to demonstrate to get my belt, and then Marcus became a “thug” whom I had to fend off. It started off well, and I succeeded in defending a number of grabs and attempted punches. Then he grabbed me by the throat, and I froze. It was a move I’d been taught and had practiced many times, but that night it was just him and me. It brought to mind Colin gripping me by the throat and almost squeezing the life out of me. Rather than try to get out of the hold, I put both hands to my neck and tried to pry Marcus’ fingers off.

“Don’t!” I wheezed. He let go in an instant and placed his hands on my shoulders instead.

“Tommy? What happened?” His serious gray eyes peered at me from beneath brows drawn together in a frown.

“Uh... n-nothing. I just... um... I forgot what to do.” I shrugged him off and stepped away. I felt like an idiot. Why would I remember something like that now? It had been a year.

“Did someone hurt you?”

I shook my head.

“You can talk to me if you want. We’re friends, aren’t we?”

“Yeah. Of course. There’s really nothing to say. I was being stupid.”

“Okay. Well, if you change your mind....” He broke off and ran a hand over his short hair. “Do you want to leave that for now and try something else?”

“I used to live with someone who tried to strangle me,” I blurted out and then inwardly cursed myself. I hadn’t meant to say that, and my face burned. “Um... sorry. You don’t want to hear about that.”

“I do, if you want to tell me.” Marcus gave me a sympathetic smile.

“No, you really don’t.” I liked Marcus—he was a great guy, and the last thing I wanted was to see his attitude toward me change when he found out I was gay. No one at the club knew, other than Sarah and Jake, of course.

“Try me. You might find out we have more in common than you realize.”

“Is the Mini yours?” I asked foolishly.

“I beg your pardon?” Marcus frowned again, in puzzlement.

“The red Mini with chrome bumpers and alloys?”

“Oh! Yes, it’s mine. I’m in an owners’ club. We go to shows and things.”

“Mine’s the other red Mini, if you’ve seen it,” I said. “I’m planning to do it up a bit as soon as I get ‘round to it.” I’d been meaning to do that for a while, I realized, and still hadn’t made much effort.

Marcus grinned. “So we have cars in common. What else?” He met my eyes, and his were lighter and less serious than they had been.

“Not much, I shouldn’t think.”

“You mentioned you lived with someone who hurt you. Was it a man?”

I nodded slowly, hoping his expression wouldn’t change. He seemed determined to get me to talk. Not everyone was anti-gay, but I’d come across a fair few who were, and my dad disowning me had had a big effect on me telling people—or not.

“I’m gay, Tommy,” Marcus said. “So now we’ve got that out of the way, let’s sit down.” He crossed his ankles and dropped into a sitting position on the mat in an instant. Surprised and relieved, I hesitated for a moment and then sat facing him.

“My mum died when I was a kid,” I said. “My dad brought me up after that, but when I told him I’m gay he kicked me out. I went to live with Sarah and her mum. I stayed with them until I met Colin when I was nineteen.”

“I’m sorry about your dad,” Marcus said. “Sadly there are too many intolerant people around.”

“Two of them beat me up on New Year’s Eve,” I said. “That’s why I agreed to come here with Sarah and Jake. I want to be able to look after myself.”

“I remember you saying that.” Marcus nodded and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “So this Colin tried to strangle you?”

“Amongst other things. I was with him nearly three years. He was very possessive and jealous. He wouldn’t let me go anywhere alone except to work, and then he rang every morning or at lunchtime to check I was there. If I did things wrong, or in a way he didn’t like, he’d punish me. Sometimes just a slap, sometimes a punch. Most of the time in the stomach or ribs, where it wouldn’t show. One time he broke my wrist. I had to tell the hospital the door slammed in the wind and caught my arm. I don’t know if they believed me or not. The female doctor looked pretty skeptical.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“I got away.”

“But you haven’t left it behind.”

“I thought I had.” I lifted one hand and tugged it through my fringe, then let the hair fall back into my eyes. “My confidence was really low when I left him. Then I found out someone else liked me and after that... well, I dated a few men I knew weren’t suitable for me. They wanted me, but I knew I wouldn’t fall for them. It was only more recently I actually tried to find somebody to be with, and so far, that hasn’t worked.”

“When people notice you, it makes you feel good about yourself.” Marcus cleared his throat before he continued. “Especially if they want to dive into bed with you. It makes you feel wanted, but sex isn’t love. You can find sex anywhere, but you’re not going to find someone special by doing it with everyone who asks.”

I gasped and hung my head further. I could feel my face turning red, and I felt more ashamed than I had when the man in La Rues had called me a slut. “Who’ve you been talking to?” Surely Sarah wouldn’t have repeated anything I’d told her? Even if she’d told Jake, he wasn’t a gossip.

“No one. I’ve been there.”

“You have?” I looked up at him incredulously. “But you’re... much bigger than me. Strong. How did you...?” I let my voice trail off and waited for him to say something else. How could someone like him possibly have been through the same things I had?

“Size has nothing to do with it. Abuse isn’t always physical, Tommy. Mental torment is often worse. It was a long time ago, when I was young.”

“You’re not old,” I interrupted.

“I’m thirty-four.”

“Exactly, that’s not old.”

He smiled. “Well, I was younger... much younger, barely eighteen. I met a boy who was older than me. He was sort of pretty, small and slim. He made it obvious he liked me. He got my number and kept calling me, asking me to do things with him. I was pretty flattered by all the attention, and when he told me he was falling for me, that was it. He had me wrapped around his little finger then. I was obsessed with him, infatuated. We moved in together within a few weeks. I was with him four years.

“He was very jealous and manipulative. He cut me off from my family and friends and gradually began to destroy my confidence. He had a narcissistic nature and had to have my attention all the time. Even that wasn’t enough. He cheated several times, and I always found out. He let me find out because he knew it would mess with my head, and it made me all the more desperate to keep him with me. I’d strive all the harder to do everything for him.

“Sometimes he’d tell me we were over. It seemed to be just to get a reaction out of me, because it never happened. When I begged and pleaded to have another chance, he laughed at me and told me I was lucky to have him. No one else in their right mind would want me. Eventually he’d tell me he didn’t mean it and that he loved me. There were a lot of things he did to make me think I really did need him. I won’t go into any more detail.”

“I know,” I said. “Colin did that to me. He did hurt me physically, but a lot of the time it was verbal abuse or messing with my mind. For a long time I was convinced I couldn’t go on without him and that he was the most important thing in my life.”

“I eventually left Philip. I looked at myself one day, and I didn’t like what I saw. I didn’t live here then. I grew up in Norwich, and so had he. I left and moved here. I had family here, and it made sense to be closer to them. I found a job within a week, with a building company, found lodgings and eventually rented my own house. I run my own building and maintenance company now, with a friend.”

“Wow,” I said. “That’s great.”

“It wasn’t easy. The first thing I did after I found work was to try to prove to myself I wasn’t worthless, the way Phil made me feel. I picked up someone new almost every weekend for over a year. Young guys were easy to find and easy to seduce. I thought the more I had, the more popular I was. Like I said before, though, sex isn’t love, and that’s what I wanted.”

“Are you with someone now?” I asked.

“No, I’ve been single for the past couple of years. I eventually found a man through work when I got my head straight. Steven was a customer. I’d built a garden wall for him, and while I was working, he brought me coffee and biscuits and hung around to chat. We were together almost eight years, but we drifted apart in the end. We started to want different things. He moved to London.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. We’re still friends. He’s happy in a new career and with a new man. I’m happy with what I’m doing.”

“Aren’t you lonely?”

“No. I like myself. I do what I want. I’m not saying I don’t want to meet someone else, but I’m not in any rush.”

“I really don’t like myself very much,” I admitted. “It’s better than it was, the last few weeks, but when I look back over the past year, I cringe over some of the things I did. I couldn’t see it at the time. Someone said something to me on New Year’s Eve, and it made me look at myself differently and see what others might see.”

Marcus didn’t ask me to elaborate, and I was glad. I felt I’d already said far too much. Although I thought of him as a friend, I didn’t actually know him very well. Up to now most of our conversations had been about my training or how he became interested in martial arts. I felt uncomfortable about having blurted out so much, even though he’d done the same.

“It gets better,” he said. “It takes time.”

“I thought coming to these classes would help. At the beginning I just thought about protecting myself, but a friend I work with suggested I find new interests and new friends. Her daughter was hurt by her ex, too, so she understood me more than anyone else. Until you.”

Marcus nodded. “You know, any time you want to talk about this, give me a shout. I’m not going to judge you. It’d be like judging myself.”

“Thanks.” I was relieved the conversation was apparently over. He got to his feet and offered his hand. I slid my hand into it, and he gripped firmly as he pulled me up. “Can we try the stranglehold again?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I want to carry on with what we were doing.”

We continued the session for a while longer. Marcus came at me with random attacks, including the one I’d freaked out over, and I defended myself. He gave me a few tips here and there, but finished by saying I’d easily pass my orange belt grading.

After we changed into our regular clothes, Marcus locked the building, and we walked to the two red Minis. I watched while he unlocked his.

“It looks really smart,” I said.

“Thanks. You said you planned to do some work on yours. You know, if you fancy coming along to the club meetings, you’d meet a bunch of other great people, and they have discounts on parts at companies like Camskill and Demon Tweeks. It’s good fun if you’re into that.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. The club meets in the bar at the Oaklands Hotel, the second Wednesday in every month at eight o’clock. There’s not much going on at this time of year, but there’ll be some good shows starting next month.”

“I’ll probably do that,” I said eagerly.

“Okay. Look, I’m not going to be around for the next couple of weeks. I’ve got a building project over in Sheffield and I’m lodging there, but I’ll be back for the next Mini meet.”

“I’ll see you then.” I stood back as he folded his large frame into the little car and a moment later, drove away. I climbed into my own Mini and set off for home. I felt enthusiastic about both the Jujitsu and the Mini club. Not only that, but I’d found someone who really understood me. Margaret was great, but Marcus had been through exactly what I had, as difficult as it had been to believe at first. I knew he could be an amazing friend if I let him.