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Meeting James and the rest of his crew was nothing but a poor distraction. As soon as we drove away from the bar, the brunt of my pent-up emotions hit me like a hook punch. I got us home, fighting the urge to drive in the opposite direction and never look back.
Now, we sit on Xave’s front steps. I don’t want to go home and face whatever is waiting there. A suddenly joyful mother? A brand-spanking-new brother? A second fiddle? I hate feeling this way, but I can’t help it. I was there for her all along, why wasn’t I ever as important as the absent son she never really knew?
Crickets chirp and the moon hangs huge and watchful, unobstructed by clouds, even when light drizzle falls from a gray sky. I stare at a water stream making its way toward a drain at the far end of the street.
“What do you think about those fools?” Xave asks.
“Mmm?” My eyes are transfixed by the glittering moonlight as it skims the surface of the little stream.
“What’s wrong? You want me to apologize again?” he says a bit grudgingly. “I know I was an ass, and I—”
I tear my eyes from the drainage and the water traveling to its doom. “Luke’s dad was murdered.” Xave is a grade ahead of us, but everyone in school knows blond, popular, perfect Luke.
“What?!”
I let it sink in.
“You mean Luke Smith?”
I nod.
“Really? Wow, that sucks. Why? What happened?”
I bite on my thumbnail and taste bitterness.
“I gotta go.” I stand and take a few steps.
“Why? It’s still early. We could ... hang out.”
I look over my shoulder. “I should go see Mom.”
“C’mon. She’s probably asleep already.”
“Not tonight.”
Xave stands and puts a hand on my shoulder. I look at his fingers.
Tears. Are prisoners. In my eyes.
Breathe and go home.
He pulls gently, makes me face him. He knows me so well, reads my face and finds there’s something I’m trying to drown. There’s no one else in the world who can do that.
“Luke’s my brother,” I blurt out.
Xave’s hand falls off my shoulder. A million expressions decorate his face, surprise, wonder, understanding, shock.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” A whisper full of regret, anger, uncertainty. “All this time he was right there, and I ... I think I knew, somehow.”
Xave shakes his head. “There’s no way you could’ve ...” His words run out, like sand through a tightening fist. There’s nothing to say. Nothing to ever make up for the lost time.
I feel numb and slow like the passing of millennia. I blink and when I open my eyes, I’m in Xave’s embrace. His arms passed me by, drew me in, and I let it happen. Now his chest warms my cheek.
I pull away. No words cross between us, only the brush of his lips on my forehead. I dare hope we can go back to normal. I have a feeling my life’s about to redefine the meaning of rough, so I could really use Xave’s support right now.
Without him, I don’t know if I can make it.
***
“MARCELA!” MOM CROSSES the living room with clipped steps and stops at arm’s length. “Where were you? How could you leave at a time like this?”
She takes my hand. Her touch is feverish, intense. I stare at her alabaster fingers pressed against my olive skin, my dad’s skin. I wonder if she hates me because I remind her of him, of what she can’t have. Or maybe expecting her to compare me to Dad is too much to expect. I’ve never been enough like him to make her happy. Never been at all like her to make her proud.
I always wondered what my brother would look like—if he would be like Dad, like me. I never thought we could be so different. In every imaginable way.
“Sorry,” I say, pulling my hand away. “I ...”
Lie.
Relax.
“I was ... I needed to think.”
She exhales and beams in a way I haven’t seen her beam in years. She lights up the room and I’m eclipsed, obscured by new reasons.
“I contacted the police. It was him, Marci. It was him. That awful man is dead. And Max ... your friend has to be Max. They’ll begin an investigation.” Her voice cracks with joy, her cheeks glitter with tears made of hope.
Me? I feel myself go pale. I’m a ghost.
“Tell me about him.” Mom grabs me by the elbows, pushes me into the living room and stuffs me in the sofa. It’s kindergarten all over again, where eager kids pestered me until I share all my secrets.
“No,” I say.
Her lips make a small circle, her eyebrows a crease above her nose. “No? You know him, right?”
“I ... don’t think so.”
“You’ve had classes together, I would guess. Is he ... tall? Smart? Kind?”
My eyes find a speck on the far wall. “He looks like you,” I say and after a pause, “can I go? I didn’t sleep good last night. I’d like to rest.”
Mom stands, frustration painting her face red.
“I don’t understand you. Aren’t you glad we’ve found him?”
“I am, Mom.” I nod, my voice monotone. “It’s good to see you happy. I think you’ll like him.”
Mom, I don’t have to be strong for you now, don’t have to pretend I’m okay. You got your heart’s desire. And maybe when you’ve traveled that road you’ve craved, your regrets will be for me.
***
CLOSED CASKET.
I look away from it, fidget and ignore Mom’s restless energy. Her eyes are glued on the blond boy in the black suit. The boy who sits very still staring at the carpet, blue eyes void of the cocky liveliness I’m used to seeing in them.
Mom is dying to talk to him, to spill years of longing onto his lap. But she sits there, smiling and frowning all in the same second, containing her desire to tell it all.
A few brave classmates approach Luke and offer their condolences. He barely acknowledges them. I wonder what I should do; what he will think of my silence once he learns the truth?
Deep breath.
I decide to be brave like the others. I’m about to walk his way, when Luke stands, stuffs his hands into his pockets and walks away. Mom watches his every move.
“Where are you going?” she asks when I stand.
“Restroom,” I lie. “Be right back.”
As I pretend to go toward the bathroom, my gaze follows Luke. He goes through a set of French doors that lead outside. Unnoticed by Mom, I sneak into a corridor. The funeral home is an intricate maze of dreary halls, parlors and visiting rooms. I find another door that leads outside and step into the quiet evening.
Luke is reclining against a tree, chin on his chest, shadows splitting his face in odd angles. The sharpness of his features, the gloom around him make me shiver.
Be brave.
I don’t want to catch him by surprise, so I walk with meaningful steps. He looks up, an annoyed expression on his face, which disappears when he realizes it’s me.
Why?
“Hey,” I say.
“Hey,” he says back.
“I—I hope I’m not bothering you.”
Luke shakes his head and shows me a tiny smile.
“Um ...”
Meaningful words.
Don’t exist.
“You don’t have to say anything,” Luke tells me in a quiet whisper.
“I’m sorry,” is all I can think to say.
Your father was a thief, but I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’m sorry you’ll have to go through so much more.
Luke blinks several times, then looks up at the branches above. A tear spills over, and he slaps it away, quick and proud.
Something beyond my control takes my hand to his arm. He startles a bit, looks at my fingers, then into my eyes. I hold his gaze, sense the iron bars that cage his pain. Too much to bear by himself when he doesn’t have to.
More tears streak his cheeks and when he looks away, my arms find their way into a tight embrace I didn’t know I had in me to give. In the first instant, his limbs become stone, but they melt quickly, like pieces of ice next to kindling flame. He rests his cheek on my head, but leaves limp arms hanging at his sides.
It’s not his fault Mom preferred the idea of him to the reality of me. It won’t be his fault if he hates me when he finds out the truth. The truth that will make his life up to this point a lie.
I pull away, feel my own tears building, building.
“I’m sorry, Luke.”
He frowns, as if aware my apology is meant for more than it should be, meant for what is to come.
“I’ll see you soon.”
Brother.