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When Elliot leaves, I get back on my bike and drive it across the street and into the parking garage. A few minutes later, I’m in The Tank, standing behind Aydan who is sitting in front of several large monitors. It is my first time in the computer pod. A thousand LED lights blink on the server racks. They distract me as much as the pictures taped to their sides. In them, I recognize Albert Einstein, Charles Babbage, and Stephen Hawking. The rest look familiar, but I don’t know their names.
“You’re late. Again,” he says without looking back at me. “Come back tomorrow. On time.”
“I’ve decided to stop,” I say. “It’s not going to work.”
Aydan swivels his chair and looks at me as if I’ve just insulted his mother. He looks me up and down and says, “I figured you would.”
What?! Is he serious? He must be saying that as a sort of reverse psychology. Well, I won’t fall for it.
“For all I know next time I try, the agent will take control. Not me.”
“I knew I was wasting my time trying to help you. You really are dense. Suit yourself.” Aydan turns toward the computer and starts typing again.
Forcing words out of this guy is like trying to make lemonade out of lettuce. Impossible. I decide to push. “I’ve yet to see any proof that meditation actually works. I’m tired of just taking everyone’s word for it.”
Aydan looks over his shoulder for a brief moment. “Look, I don’t care what you do. You’ll put us in an awkward situation if you don’t learn to control your agent, but I’m sure we’ll figure out how to ... deal with you.”
“What is that supposed to mean? Are you threatening me?”
He looks annoyed, as if I’m a fly stepping on his leftovers. “I’m busy. Take your drama somewhere else.”
A flash of anger makes me imagine my hands around Aydan’s condescending little neck. He’s absolutely infuriating. My arms are stiff rods, trembling with rage. How dare he threaten me? I feel ready to erupt and it takes all my willpower not to launch forward and hit him. Suddenly, the glass of water next to his computer catches my eye. It seems to be vibrating. I blink, feeling my anger turn into confusion. I shake my head. The glass looks perfectly normal now.
Deep breath, Marci.
I snap back into the moment and find Aydan staring at me as if I’ve completely lost it. With my anger gone, I remember his threat. It gives me pause, and suddenly I feel like I owe him an explanation for my behavior.
“How do I know I can trust any of you? I just saw James with Elliot up there. They were practically smooching. For all I know, they play for the same team.”
Aydan gets up from the chair in one abrupt motion. There’s a coffee stain on his ridiculous medical coat. He seems ready to lash out at me, but he stops short. His eyes lock on a spot above my left shoulder and a satisfied smile tweaks his lips.
I blink. James is standing right behind me. The double droning in my head didn’t register before. I was too angry to notice.
“Hello, James,” Aydan says, enjoying the situation way too much.
“Aydan,” James acknowledges in his deep voice. “Threat of mutiny?” he asks.
Maybe there’s a geological fault under my feet and soon there’ll be an earthquake. I can only wish the earth will swallow me whole. I bite my cheek, mad at myself. Why do I feel this huge sense of shame when what I want is to go ultra-nuclear on James?
“Yep,” Aydan says.
I look over my shoulder to gauge James’s expression. He looks as serious as I’ve ever seen him. I feel like I’ve let him down somehow. I don’t know why I care what he thinks. He should understand my doubts, given the scraps of information he’s offered. I know I promised to trust him, but I still want answers, feel the right to demand them. Yet I fear the idea of James being displeased with me. My stomach complains with the familiarity of this feeling. Suddenly, I see myself as a little girl, eager to make Dad smile. I never could stand it when he was cross with me.
“How’s meditation going?” he asks.
I lower my gaze, step to one side, trying to meld into a server rack.
“Not going,” Aydan says, all trace of his earlier satisfaction gone.
James nods once, as if that explains my misbehavior. “I see. We’ll have to make it work, Marci. If we can’t, I’m afraid you will become a ... liability for us. Do you understand?”
I can’t move my lips to shape words. Nodding isn’t working either. I think I understand, but I’m paralyzed with fear. He’s deadly serious, and I know it because of the way he looks at me with regret, as if I’m a cute, helpless puppy he’ll have to put down.
“We’ve trusted you with very sensitive information,” he explains as he meets my frozen stare. “If you refuse to do as we instruct, I’m afraid things won’t ... work out.”
I swallow and manage a small nod, my previous anger suddenly diminished. Not by fear, but by James’s stout confidence and mere presence. He’s the grounding force for this team, and for me it seems.
“Good. I’m glad we understand each other.”
Still, the rebellious side of me stirs. All I understand is that he just threatened to kill me. I don’t understand anything else, and it doesn’t seem like that’ll change any time soon. It hardly seems fair, but I don’t dare ask James any questions. For that, I hate him almost as much as I fear him. And yet, I’m befuddled by the fact that I also admire him.
“Aydan, call a meeting in ten minutes. Make sure she’s there.” James hooks a finger in my direction. Aydan looks displeased but doesn’t argue.
“Conference room A,” James says.
Before he leaves, he looks over his shoulder. I follow his gaze to the glass of water by Aydan’s computer. After a moment, his eyes lock with mine and tighten with interest, then he exits without a word.
“Need a pair of clean panties?” Aydan sneers.
“Screw you,” I say as I leave his cube and head for conference room A. I don’t want to miss a single word.