I WOKE up broken. Sleeping on a chair in Rand’s den had been a bad idea, but it was where I had fallen asleep watching television. I felt all of my twenty-eight years, and even though I was in pain, when I told that to Rand’s uncle Tyler, he laughed at me.
“We’ll talk again when you’re seventy-five,” he told me, pouring coffee for both of us.
The look I shot him made him laugh, as did my comment that I was in real pain.
“Drink the coffee, and I’ll make you some breakfast. You can come down to the barn with me and watch Chase and Pete help deliver a calf. You ever seen a cow get born?”
“No sir.” I shook my head, not sure if it was something I wanted to see after all.
“Well, come on then, it ain’t somethin’ you’ll wanna miss.”
Walking in my jeans and T-shirt beside the older man, listening to him talk, shivering in the early morning air and wishing the whole time that I hadn’t ditched my dress shirt, I felt better. Just moving was uncurling my spine, and I found the fact that I was not expected to speak comforting.
No one had come looking for me. Charlotte had forgone the traditional separation between bride and groom the night before the wedding, and she and Ben had stayed up late talking. I went up once to see if he had left but heard whispered voices through the door. I didn’t want to intrude.
Rand was gone. He wasn’t in his bedroom, the house, or anywhere I could find. Worst of all was that he obviously hadn’t needed me. It was sobering. Hot sweaty sex on a major appliance had not translated to Rand wanting me spooned around him in the night. I was hoping for the caveman scene, the one where he came and found me, threw me over his shoulder, and carried me upstairs to his bed. That I had been seemingly forgotten was devastating. I wanted to run away instead of facing him, embarrassed about being so needy.
The iron grip on my bicep brought me from my thoughts.
“You all right there?”
“Yes, sir.” I smiled at him.
As I followed the older man, I looked around at the ranch. The two-story house we had just come from really was beautiful, and even the stables and the bunkhouse where the ranch hands ate and slept had a homey appeal. Veering left toward the barn, I was stopped instantly with a hand clamped down on my shoulder.
“Where are you goin’?” the older man asked me.
I tipped my head toward the wooden structure. “To the barn.”
“Nothin’ in there that’ll give birth. That’s where we keep the tractor and such.”
The man enjoyed teasing me, and so I fell back into step beside him, realizing as we walked that his hand was still on my shoulder. It was nice, and I felt the tension that had been hanging on from the night before start to drain away.
I WAS dozing when I heard my name. Lifting my head, I saw Rand standing at the edge of the porch scowling at me. I just waited.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
No greeting, just straight to the inquisition. “Nice,” I muttered, closing my eyes.
“Stef!” he barked at me.
“Resting,” I said, since it should have been very obvious that I was well on my way to drifting off into a coma.
“Charlotte’s been lookin’ for you for hours.”
I grunted, letting my head fall back.
“Goddammit, Stef, what—”
“Why are you yellin’?” I heard Uncle Tyler yell himself from the house, followed by the harsh, protesting squeak of the screen door as it was opened. “That boy done real well this mornin’. You got no cause to be fussin’ at him, Rand Holloway.”
“Why is he wet?”
“I hadda hose him off ’fore I let him walk up here to the house. He was a mess.”
“Why?” Rand asked, and I heard him cross the porch, the sharp strike of his boots on the wood.
“Well, I went down to the barn this mornin’ ’cause Chase called and said that we was due for a calf and—”
“Yeah, I know, that’s why I told Pete to—”
“Pete never showed.”
The silence stretched so long my body started to get heavy.
“What?” Rand finally said, his voice low and ominous.
“That’s right, bossman; Pete forgot to show up again. I already done called Mac, and even though it ain’t my place no more—I ain’t foreman—Mac did exactly what I woulda and fired that useless boy the second he got back from his whorin’ around.”
“Shit,” Rand groaned.
“Shit is right; you’re a terrible judge of men, Rand Holloway. Let Mac do the hirin’ from now on.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
“Well of course I’m right. I’m always right, but that don’t make no never mind. Pete’s gone, but Chase says he’s got himself a cousin needs a job, so—”
“What does any of this have to do with Stef?”
I didn’t mind him talking about me like I wasn’t there since I didn’t want to talk to him anyway. I was nothing to him, after all; he hadn’t even bothered to look for me when he went to bed. I was of no consequence to him.
“Well, once I got to the barn and found out it was just me and Chase, I needed Stef to help. I ain’t a young man no more, Rand, I can’t pull no calf, I ain’t got the back.”
“Shit, why didn’t someone call me?”
“Like I was sayin’, there weren’t no time, that calf was comin’, and when we realized that it needed to be turned and… well, you know how it goes.”
“And?”
“And Stef did real fine, and both mama and baby are doin’ real good.”
“You saved them both?”
“Yessir we did, just an old man and a green cowboy and… what is it again, Stef?”
“An acquisitions manager.”
“What he said.”
“So Stef did what, the pulling?”
“Yes, he did.”
The hand on my shoulder made me open my eyes and look up. I was rewarded with a smile on the face of the man staring down at me.
Crap. Just looking up at Rand Holloway made my stomach twist into a knot. Whatever I told myself, the truth was that I wanted him to care because I wanted to matter to him. I needed to know that he had missed having me beside him, close to his heart.
“Got covered in blood and all kinds of shit, didn’t you?”
I groaned. The miracle of life was beautiful and disgusting all at the same time. “He’s really cute, Rand,” I told him, smiling slightly. “You should go see him. I named him Phil.”
He looked pained. “I’m sorry?”
“He looked like a Phil.”
Rand looked over his shoulder at his uncle Tyler. “Is he kidding?”
I looked over at him, too, and saw him shrug. “What’s the problem? The boy bein’ there saved the cow and her calf. If he wants to name the damn thing, I say g’head.”
Rand made a noise in the back of his throat before he turned back to look down at me. “You look like shit.”
I had no doubt. I had been hosed off, but there was still some sticky stuff dried in my hair, and I smelled really bad. My T-shirt, which had started off-white, was brown and red and just needed to be tossed. The jeans needed to be washed several times, and as for my hiking boots, I had already thrown them out.
“So Mac fired Pete?” he asked the older man.
“Yessir he did, and it’s about time, if you ask me. Everett and Jackson took him off the ranch an hour ago.”
“Did Mac pay him out?” Rand asked, turning his head to look at him.
“I’m sure he did, but you should be askin’ Mac about that, not me.”
“And so you and your buddy Stef are going to do what now?”
“You ain’t got no cause to be givin’ us none of your—”
“Sorry.” Rand sighed. “I didn’t mean nothin’.”
“And for your information, your mama’s bringin’ Stef and me some lunch and we’re havin’ us a beer.”
Rand squatted down beside my chair as I lifted my hand for the Budweiser his uncle passed me.
“I’ll be right back with the salsa, Stef. Little girl I know in Guthrie makes it for me. It’s real good.”
“It’s real hot is what it is,” Rand mumbled under his breath.
“What’s that, boy?”
Rand shook his head, and I watched the screen door bang shut behind the old man, who was in a lot better shape than I was.
“Hey.”
I turned my head to look at Rand.
“So you helped a cow give birth this morning. How do you feel?”
“Like I need to sleep.” I yawned. “But sitting with your uncle and your mom is gonna be just as good.”
“Why don’t you come back up to the big house with me?”
“You mean your house.”
“My house, big house, since when does—”
“Never mind.”
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“Listen, Charlotte needs—”
“Charlotte has her bridesmaids and Ben. She doesn’t need me.”
“Little dramatic, ain’t it?”
I took a long swallow of my beer and let my head fall back and my eyes close. I was ready to stretch out and go to sleep.
“She needs you, you jackass. She’s gonna fall apart without ya.”
She was a rock now. She had unburdened her soul. There would be no more crying over wedding programs or wedding dresses or wedding flowers. She was woman; hear her roar.
“I seriously doubt that.”
“Where were you last night?”
“In the den.”
“Why didn’t you come to my room? I waited up, but I must’ve fallen asleep.”
My eyes flicked open as I looked at him. “I checked your room, you weren’t there.”
“When?”
“I dunno, little after one.”
“I was bringin’ in the dogs and checkin’ on things. You shoulda come on back, ’cause I was there.”
“Why didn’t you look for me?”
“Because you were supposed to come to me.”
“Yeah, but—”
“You was the one wantin’ to be in my bed. Why would I go lookin’ for you?”
“Why would you think I wanted to be in your bed?”
His smile was wicked. “Oh, I dunno, maybe ’cause I fucked you on my back porch and I figured maybe you’d like it better in bed.”
“Really? Is that what you thought?” Again he was taking me for granted, and I hated it.
He snorted out a laugh. “Damn, you are a touchy thing, ain’t cha?”
“Go away,” I grumbled, suddenly tired and much too edgy to banter with him. I looked out toward his house to where I hoped to see his mother coming from the back porch.
“And cold as ice and stubborn,” he said, hand on my chin, bringing my eyes back to him. “You are the most stubborn man I have ever met.”
I had no doubt that was true.
“Jesus, Stef, I promise not to think I own you if you confess to likin’ me just a little.”
I stared into the electric blue eyes.
His fingers slid over my jawline, stroked down my throat, and then made the return trip to my lips. “Tonight, after the wedding, when everybody’s gone, I’m gonna bring you back out here to the ranch and put you in my bed.”
I sighed deeply. “That sounds real nice.”
His eyes sparkled. “Does it? Real nice?”
I grunted.
“Sounds like some Texas creepin’ in there to me, Stefan Joss.”
“Oh my word,” Rand’s mother said from behind him. “Stefan Joss, what did my brother-in-law let you get yourself into?”
“He’s covered in blood an’ shit, Mama.” Rand laughed, rising to his feet. “And he looks damn fine.”
“Well, yes, but… Tyler!” she yelled toward the house, carrying a tray by me. “Rand, open this door for me—Tyler!”
I was smiling as Rand moved fast to hold the screen door open for her.
“Tyler, what did I tell you about Stefan? He doesn’t belong to you, he belongs to Charlotte! You have no right to….”
Her voice trailed off as she went deeper into the house.
Rand was smiling as he walked to the edge of the wraparound porch at his uncle’s home. “I won’t tell Char that you’re down here at Tyler’s, but you need to get on up to my house as soon as you’re done with lunch, you understand? They’ll be leavin’ soon, and you need to go with them.”
“Sure,” I lied to him.
He pointed at me. “Knock it off and quit bein’ such a prick. This here day ain’t about you, Stefan Joss. It’s about her, and you’re here for her, just like the rest of us. Don’t be a selfish bastard, or you’ll never forgive yourself.”
I sat up fast. “Listen—”
He cut me off. “No, you listen. You’re right, Charlotte don’t need you the same no more. You and her… there are things she’s gonna share with Ben that you ain’t never—”
“I know that,” I snapped at him. “Don’t you think I—”
“Lemme finish.”
I knew that my relationship with Charlotte would never be the same; he didn’t need to reiterate the point for me.
“But just because you don’t belong to her no more don’t mean you should worry that you got no home,” he said, stepping off the porch. “’Cause my mama’s wrong.”
“What?” I asked, standing up to go to the edge of the porch so I could look down at him. “Rand?”
He stopped and looked up at me. “What she said to Tyler ain’t right.”
“Oh,” I said, something about the look in his eyes making my legs go weak.
“You don’t belong to Charlotte. You belong to me.”
I swallowed hard, my mouth dry, my throat tight. “You shouldn’t just—”
“Eat and then get your ass back up to the house right quick. Don’t mess with a woman that’s about to be married. Her sense of humor is all gone.”
I would have said something else, but he was walking away too fast, whistling for his dogs, all of which came charging across the paddock to reach him. Watching him kneel and pet them, seeing their absolute joy at his attention, I realized that if I had a tail, I would have wagged it every time the man got near me too.
“Stef, honey, come eat.”
I practically bolted into Uncle Tyler’s house.
TO ME, it was nice that the whole Holloway family had lived on the ranch all together at one time. Charlotte’s father had owned the ranch, and his brother Tyler had been ranch foreman and lived in the house that was still his. When Tyler had retired as foreman, Rand should have let Mac Gentry move into Uncle Tyler’s house, but instead, Rand had built another house for his new foreman and allowed Tyler to remain on the land. He had not wanted to pressure the older man into moving in with him, and it turned out that his uncle liked living alone. Currently, he was courting a widow from Dumont, and not sharing space with Rand was a good thing. The older man didn’t want Rand cramping his style. Rand, he said, was much too much of a homebody to live with. The man never left the ranch and as such was always underfoot.
“He don’t do nothin’ or go nowhere,” Tyler told Charlotte’s mother and me over lunch. “I tell you what, May, that boy of yours needs a good woman.”
“He needs someone, yes,” she said, nodding, “but we thought Jenny was the woman for him, and look how that turned out.”
Tyler scratched his head. “Y’know, I reckon I still don’t know what happened there. She was the perfect gal for him. She taught school, she was a homemaker, her family was ranch folks… but something wasn’t right, and I still don’t know what.”
“Don’t you remember?” Charlotte’s mother said gently. “It was the way he looked at her. From the beginning, he liked her just fine, he would smile whenever she looked at him, but the problem was that when she wasn’t, he never smiled.”
“What are you goin’ on about?”
“She means like Ben,” I clarified for Tyler. “Whenever you catch him looking at Charlotte, even when she doesn’t notice him… he’s smiling or just looking at her with that goofy, lovesick face of his. You know he’s crazy about her.”
“Exactly,” she agreed. “That’s what I mean.”
Tyler rolled his eyes. “Well, I don’t rightly know what you two see that I don’t, but mostly it has to be sex.”
“Ty!” May Holloway yelled, as I choked on my ice tea.
“The man didn’t enjoy sleepin’ with his own wife—I know, she told people, and it got around. She wanted him and he didn’t want her, can’t get no plainer’n that.”
“Tyler Wade Holloway!”
He threw up his hands as I started laughing.
“I’m just sayin’, might been she weren’t his type. She was a bit small-chested for a woman, and maybe he needed a little more to hold.”
I was laughing so hard, and watching May beat Tyler with her napkin wasn’t helping me regain my composure.
After lunch, I offered to do the dishes but was turned down twice, so instead of being at the sink, I was sitting with Tyler on the porch when Ben came walking down to the house with Nick in tow.
Tyler and I both waved with our beer bottles. It was a nice day, now close to one, the morning having been spent birthing cows and the early afternoon eating, drinking, and talking with two of my favorite people in the world. Funny that Charlotte’s mother, the mother of the bride, had opted to spend a little over an hour of her time with me instead of up at the house with her daughter. Maybe she was feeling a little useless as well.
“What the hell are you doing?” Ben yelled at me as he came up the three stairs to the porch. “Have you lost your goddamn mind?”
I just looked at him.
“Stef, get your ass off this porch and come with us. Nick and I are leaving now, and you know we got an hour drive in front of us back to the B and B. We all need to start gettin’ ready.”
“The wedding ain’t ’til six o’clock at night.” Tyler yawned. “What on earth could Charlotte need so long for? I tell you, a nice shot of tequila will calm her down some.”
I nodded my agreement.
Ben pointed at me. “You’re bein’ an ass, and I don’t know why, but y’are.”
“I just… don’t all the girls have to go to the salon and get their hair done and their nails and all that? I mean, why would I need to be involved?”
“I thought you guys enjoyed gettin’ groomed.”
I didn’t even dignify the comment with a response; instead, I just looked back out across the ranch at the sky and the sea of clouds.
“You best get on back up to the house, boys,” Tyler grunted. “Leave the men be.”
They left without another word as Charlotte’s mother took a seat on the other side of me. She passed me a slice of peach cobbler.
When I turned to look at her, she smiled warmly.
“You and Charlotte didn’t have any last night, and I think that’s because she was busy telling Ben and Rand about what happened those many years ago when she was attacked.”
I stopped breathing.
She tipped her head at Tyler. “We both know. I told him after the hospital called me. She was covered under my medical insurance, after all, Stef.”
I had never once considered who had paid the medical bills when she was taken to the hospital to be checked out. It had never even crossed my mind. “I’m sorry.”
“For what? Are you sorry for saving my baby’s life, which is what Rand said you did when I asked him about it this morning? Are you sorry for helping her pay her college tuition? Are you sorry for being there for her when her family couldn’t and being the one person I could always depend on to do the right thing by her? Tell me… what precisely are you sorry for?”
I couldn’t even speak.
“Perhaps you’re sorry to be having peach cobbler with beer? Is that it?”
I smiled at her, even though I could barely see her through the tears filling my eyes. “Yes, ma’am, that’s what I’m sorry for.”
“That’s what I thought,” she said, leaning back in the cedar rocking chair.
“If you two are done jawin’ over there,” Tyler complained, since he was trying to nap, though he wouldn’t have admitted it.
We both apologized as I started eating, and May Holloway patted my leg.
AROUND FOUR that afternoon, I made it back to the bed and breakfast, where the wedding party was staying. I got a ride over with Charlotte’s mom after looking in on Phil before I left. The calf looked better than I did—he was cleaner, and he smelled nicer. I promised Tyler that we would do tequila shots at the wedding, and he assured me that he would not forget.
In the house, the bridesmaids were all sitting out on the covered veranda that looked over the man-made lake. It was beautiful, and they all looked stunning. I waved in passing but never made it to the stairs.
“Stefan!” Alison snapped at me. “Where have you been? Charlotte is a mess, and her hair’s not done, and her makeup is—”
“Then get up there and help her out.” I squinted at her. “You guys should—”
“Stef!”
We all looked up, and there, at the top of the stairs, was Charlotte. She looked like hell. Her hair was all piled up on top of her head, she was without a drop of makeup, and her eyes were red and puffy.
“What are you doing?” I asked as I climbed the stairs.
“It’s because you think I don’t need you,” she sniffled. “You get like this. I just never thought for a second that you would think I was like everybody else.”
“What’re you talking about?” I asked as I stopped a step below her.
She stared down at my face. “In your head, everybody’s going to leave you, nobody sticks around, and so the second you think somebody’s bored with you or that they don’t need you, you do the patented Joss disappearing act and are never seen again. You did it all the time in college. Even now I sometimes get guys that I’ve met once or twice calling me asking what they did because you don’t answer your phone or e-mail them back. You know Cody called me just a week ago asking if you had told me what went wrong because you never actually broke up with him. You just disappeared.”
“I did not break up with Cody because I thought he was going to leave me.”
“Technically you didn’t break up with him at all!”
“What I mean to say is that he wanted more than I was ready to give.”
“Fine, whatever, the point is you just disappeared, never to be heard from again.”
I scowled at her. “What’s your point?”
“The point is that you do not get to treat me like that!” she shrieked.
I stepped up to her, and she grabbed me, clutching tight, the sobbing instantaneous. “Oh, for crissakes, Charlotte,” I grumbled, lifting her up, her legs wrapping instantly around my hips as I walked us down the hall.
“You don’t have to be my knight in shining armor for me to love you dearly, desperately, and totally. I love you, Stef,” she cried into my shoulder, dampening my already disgusting and crusty T-shirt. “And not just because you saved me, not because we shared this secret, but because of all the rest… all our history.”
I was smart enough to know I left people before they could leave me. It was bad, but I did it anyway. My mother was the first and last person that ever left me; I was the one who had all the power after that.
“We know so much about each other, we’ve shared so much… all of that makes us more than just friends, Stef. I know how you need quiet in the morning, and you know how I like my coffee and that I like pickles but not cucumbers. I know how you held me the night I was attacked… after you brought me home to your apartment and made me tea… how you wrapped me in your arms under the covers, and I was so safe…. Oh Stef, do you really think I could ever not need you or not want you or not love you? Is that even fucking possible?”
No. The answer was no. It was not possible. I was permanent. I squeezed her so tight she farted. “Charlotte!”
The crying turned to laughter instantly, and when I put her down, she couldn’t even breathe.
“God, you’re disgusting.”
Her head was back, tears rolling down her cheeks as she laughed and laughed. When I looked over my shoulder, the entire bridal party was there.
“You two are so weird,” Ben grumbled.
“Not me.” I scowled at him. “Just your girlfriend.”
But his look, the softness in his eyes, let me know that when he was looking at us, it was the pair of us together that he just didn’t get.
“You two better hurry the hell up,” he barked at us. “The party can’t start without either one of you.”
Since it was true, I grabbed Charlotte’s hand and tugged her after me down the hall. The heavy sigh was not to be missed followed a second later by a quick cough.
“What?” I asked her.
“I don’t know.” She scrunched up her nose at me. “What the hell is all over you?”
“Why?”
“You reek.”
“Oh, this morning I helped deliver a calf.”
“And you let me touch you? Oh my God, I’ve gotta shower all over again.”
“Sorry. Birth is both a beautiful and horrifying experience all at the same time.”
“Yeah, I can see that,” she said, picking at something on my T-shirt as we hurried down the hall. “Gross.”
AS I helped Charlotte into the back of the limousine, a sharp intake of breath made my head snap up. The look on the face of Tina Jacobs gave me pause.
“What?”
“You look… good.”
I was confused; Charlotte was the one who would stop traffic. “You mean her.”
“What?”
“Char,” I reminded her. “She’s gorgeous, right?”
“Well, yes, but… Jesus, Stef.”
It took me a second, but the way she was looking at me, I understood. I arched one eyebrow for her. “Oh, I’m the pretty one.”
Her mouth was open.
“Goddamn, you clean up nice,” Kristin assured me. “And that hair of yours is just… something.”
“Oh Stef, you’re beautiful.” Alison breathed out the words.
“And I’m what, chopped liver?”
We all looked at Charlotte.
“Seriously, diva, do you need a minute?” I asked her.
She growled at me, which was funny considering how stunningly elegant she looked.
“Nothing and no one is as beautiful as you are right now. You’re glowing.”
“Apparently it’s reflected glow,” she said, gesturing at her bridesmaids, who were all staring wide-eyed at me. “Why couldn’t you have just kept the hideous white tux that all the rest of the guys were wearing?”
“You know the answer to that.” I waggled my eyebrows for her. “When have I ever been like the rest of the guys?”
She rolled her eyes as her bridesmaids all giggled. Pretty soon after, as I was ready to walk down the aisle before her, she grabbed the back of my tuxedo jacket so I couldn’t.
“This is so not the time to get cold feet,” I warned her as I turned around to face her.
“No, I know it’s not—I just wanted to say that you look really nice. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.”
I was wearing a tan polished cotton tuxedo with peak lapels, and I knew I looked good in it. I had had my assistant, Christina Wu, go to my apartment and ship it overnight. The fact that Charlotte was taking the moment when I was supposed to be walking down the aisle to give me a compliment was somewhat odd.
“Char, you need to let him go now,” Uncle Tyler told her. “We’ll meet him down there in front in just a few minutes.”
Charlotte had asked her uncle to give her away in her father’s stead, and I was sure he had been seeing it as an honor right up until the moment when she lost her mind. The look he was giving me was one of concern.
“Do you feel weird?” she asked me suddenly. “I mean, I never once even considered that this all might make you feel weird.”
There is no planning a revelation; they come when they want. I understood at that moment that I could never lose my place in Charlotte’s life. She needed me for her sanity. I was her touchstone. Of course there would be pieces I would never know that only husbands and wives shared, but I would still be on board for breakdowns like the one she was currently having.
“Char,” I said gently, cupping her face in my hands as I stepped in close to her and looked down into her eyes. “I’m fine. You know me, crowds, whatever—none of this scares me. You’re the one who’s having a meltdown.”
“Maybe”—she started panting—“a little.”
“What is it, the walking?” I asked, because I was pretty sure that was it.
“Yeah… I think so… yeah.”
I understood. Walking slowly down a long aisle, there was lots of time to screw up, roll your ankle, stumble, and fall. She was not all that coordinated to begin with; she tripped over her own feet all the time. I was forever catching her when we were in college. Standing there with her, staring into her big blue eyes, I thought of a solution.
We ran down the aisle. There was less room for error if you were moving fast. Charlotte wanted either perfection or a total wipeout. She was an all or nothing girl.
No one even had time to stand for the bride before we were there in front of Reverend Ellis. Ben’s smile was huge, Nick was shaking his head, and after a moment, when the reverend was still just staring at the bride and groom, speechless and flustered, I got things going by taking a quick step up and giving the man a smack on the shoulder and telling him to go for it. We were all driving the poor man crazy.
“Uh… okay… who gives this woman to be wed?”
“Me and her brother.” Charlotte’s mother chuckled as she stood up in the front row, “and her uncle, who’s still comin’ down the aisle.”
The reverend looked over at Tyler, who waved from where he was, almost to us.
“Nobody counted one-two-three go,” he grumbled. “They just ran.”
The hall resounded with laughter, and when I turned to look at Charlotte, I saw her sigh before breaking into the huge smile I knew. She was happy, and that was all that mattered. It was how it was supposed to be.
After the ceremony, pictures had to be taken. Charlotte had not wanted any taken of her and Ben together before the wedding. She was certain it was bad luck. So while the rest of us stood around waiting, they posed for shot after shot.
“Stef.”
I was so busy watching the interaction of Ben’s family with Charlotte that I hadn’t even noticed that Rand was behind me. “Hey.” I smiled at him, my eyes flicking to his mother and Uncle Tyler, who had appeared with him. “You guys ready for your turn next?”
Rand reached out to touch the lapel of my jacket. “We were thinkin’ you should be in the photos with us.”
“Oh no.” I shook my head. “I’ll be in the pictures with the bridal party. That’s enough.”
“I was thinking it wasn’t,” May Holloway told me. “I’d like you with us, Stef.”
I looked up at Rand as he stepped in close to me, his hand wrapping loosely around my throat. Where the emotion came from, I wasn’t sure, but suddenly I could barely breathe.
“Me too,” he said, his voice low and husky. “Come take the picture.”
When the photographer called for the bride’s family, before a word could be spoken, Charlotte yelled my name.
“You, too, Stef!”
Which basically shut the door on any protest I might have made.
“You look great,” I told Rand as I took my place beside him, turning and smiling.
“Do I?”
“Yessir,” I assured him, taking the moment when no one was looking to let my fingers touch the end of the bolo tie he was wearing. “And this is a nice touch. Only you could get away with an Armani tuxedo and this instead of a bow tie. It’s very you.”
He turned to me.
“What?” I chuckled, my voice dropping low. “You know you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”
His stunned expression, which I knew I caused, sent fluttering heat all through me.
“Guys,” the photographer called out.
I moved fast, closer to the others, leaning in, letting out a breath.
“You.”
I looked back over at him.
“It’s hard to keep my hands… off.” The muscles in his jaw clenched. “Can’t leave you alone… won’t.”
My head turned back to the photographer quickly as I heard Rand take a sharp breath. It was satisfying to know that I was the cause of the man’s inability to make his lungs work.
“Stefan Joss, you better be smiling,” Charlotte warned me from where she was standing in front and to the side of me, unable to see what I was doing, as we were separated by many aunts, uncles, and cousins. “I don’t want any of that arty-angsty bullshit.”
“I’m smiling,” I said as a warm hand slid over my ass. “I swear I am.”
Her grunt made everyone laugh.
IT WASN’T a wedding, it was a triathlon. There was bride and groom dancing, and speeches, bride and uncle dancing, groom and mother dancing, and every other special spotlight dance you could think of, then dinner, and then more dancing, cake cutting, cake eating, garter catching, bouquet tossing, and even more dancing. Christ. It was meant to be endured, not enjoyed, as far as I could tell. The slideshow was cute, and all the speeches were good, even mine, but really, after the fifth hour of celebration, I was done. The ceremony had been at six, and it was eleven, and everyone was still partying.
“You havin’ a good time, Stef?” Nick asked me as he walked up beside me.
I made a conscious decision to lie. “Yep.”
“Goddamn,” he breathed out, draining the last drops out of his Heineken bottle. “This has gotta be the best wedding I’ve ever been to, including my own.”
It probably had a lot to do with the open bar, the horde of people still there, and the packed dance floor. I had done hardly any dancing myself, as Charlotte had put me in charge of the photographer, the videographer, and coordinating with the catering staff. As a result, I was busy while everyone else was playing. I consoled myself with the fact that as her faith in me was absolute, she was free to enjoy her special night. Since there was no special dance for best friends, I really wasn’t missing anything except for Rand.
I needed to put some mark on the man so that every woman in attendance would know that they had no chance with him. The problem was that after our earlier flirting, the man had not looked for me once. Every time I breezed into the room, he had a different woman hanging all over him. He did a lot of slow dancing, flirting, and even had each and every one of Charlotte’s bridesmaids in his lap at one point in the evening. While logically I knew that being jealous was a ridiculous waste of time, I found that the murderous rage that rose up in me didn’t respond to reason at all. I was so flustered that I didn’t hear Charlotte’s mom call my name, making her have to grab hold of me as I tried to streak by her.
“Oh—sorry.” I forced a smile, taking a quick breath.
“Honey, since Rand’s leaving shortly, do you think that you can give Tyler and me a ride back to the house in Charlotte’s car?”
“Rand’s leaving?” I was surprised, since I was supposed to be going with him when he left. “When did he—is he gone?”
“No,” she said gently, pointing over my shoulder. “Not yet, but he’s leaving with Jenny, and I think they’re about ready to go.”
I turned around, and there was Rand holding hands with a woman I had never met.
“Isn’t that his ex-wife?” Ben asked as he walked up beside me, one arm thrown across my shoulders to steady himself.
“Yes, Benjamin, it is.” May Holloway chuckled, patting her new son-in-law on the back.
“She wasn’t on my half of the guest list,” he informed her.
“I asked Charlotte to include her,” she explained. “She and Rand parted on good terms, and she was a part of our family, even if it was for a very short time.”
“Is she visiting or what?” Ben asked as he turned to her.
“I have no idea.” She sighed. “But from the looks of things, I’d say maybe she’s going to stay a spell.”
“Hey, lady.” Ben’s smile was out of control as he looked at his wife’s mother. “You wanna cut a rug with me?”
She laughed at him. “Absolutely.”
I watched Ben crook his arm for his new mother-in-law, and after she took it and he led her away, I was free to look at Rand and his ex-wife.
Jenny Holloway was beautiful, and no one had ever mentioned that fact before. She could have been a model with her height, her long, thick brown hair, and her cornflower blue eyes. Her dimples were deep, her skin creamy and flawless, and her curves were accentuated by the fitted dress she wore. If I had been asked to conjure up the perfect woman for Rand Holloway, she would have been it. When she laughed and wiped some frosting off his upper lip with her fingers, I understood that she would be the one in the man’s bed later. It was almost a relief when my phone rang. I answered as I turned away from the dance floor.
“Stefan Joss?”
“Yes?”
“This is Gracie Freeman.”
I sighed as I ducked under the tent and started across the grounds. It was cooler away from the crowd of people. “Hey there, Mrs. Freeman.” I smiled into my phone. It was nice of her to call and remind me that I had a life beyond ranches and cowboys, a life that I would be returning to in the next forty-eight hours. “How are you, ma’am?”
“I’m sorry to call so late, Stefan, but I had to speak to you.”
“No, it’s fine,” I assured her. “What’s on your mind, ma’am?”
She took a breath. “Could you come by and see me first thing tomorrow morning instead of waiting until Monday?”
“Is everything all right?”
“Yes and no… would you come?”
“’Course.” I yawned. “Whatever you need.”
“Really?”
“Yes, ma’am,” I assured her. “What time would you like me?”
“Nine?”
“Absolutely, I’ll see you at nine.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful,” she breathed out. “Thank you, Stefan.”
“May I ask what you’ve decided to do?”
“Yes… I’m going to sell you the ranch. I spoke to my neighbors today, and they were all very persuasive.”
“Oh, why do I not like the sound of that?”
“No, no.” She chuckled. “No one is threatening me—no one would do that.”
“Okay.”
“You don’t sound pleased.”
“I’m pleased.” I sighed. “I’m just surprised.”
“So was I, really.”
“Well, I’ll see you in the morning, ma’am.”
“I’ll see you then, Stefan.”
After I hung up the phone, I took a deep breath before calling my boss. He didn’t pick up, so I left a message and gave him the good news. I called him out on his lie about other people going to see Mrs. Freeman as well.
“You didn’t have to make up shit to make me go see the nice lady,” I scolded him, laughing at the same time. “You could’ve just told me the truth—you know I would have done it anyway. I’ve known you over four years, Knox; I would hope you’d know me better by now.”
When I finished, I turned around to look back at the party tent. I was surprised to find Rand standing there, staring at me. He looked good, all rumpled from his evening. His shirtsleeves were unbuttoned, his collar undone, giving a glimpse of the white T-shirt underneath, and the thick, glossy black hair had fallen into his eyes. He looked like he’d been ravished, and that thought made my mouth go dry.
“Was it your idea to drive my mom and uncle home?”
The question, so casually spoken, was illuminating for me because in that moment I understood with absolute clarity what I meant to Rand Holloway.
Instead of just simply going with what he had been told, instead of accepting things at face value, Rand was checking. We had a plan, and as far as he knew, I was changing it because of what his mother had said. I thought he wanted to change it because he had been holding his ex-wife’s hand earlier. Both of us were making assumptions. But just before everything blew up, just before we fell back into old habits of thinking that we knew what was going on in the other guy’s head, right before everything ended… he was checking.
“No,” I called over to him. “It wasn’t my idea.”
“Okay.”
“And Jenny?” I asked.
He cleared his throat. “Jenny came to make sure I was okay… she’s gettin’ remarried.”
Oh. “Your mother thought you guys wanted to be alone… she thought you were leaving early. She asked me to drive her and Tyler back to the house.”
He nodded, hands shoved down into the pockets of his tuxedo pants.
“So I guess I’ll give your mom Charlotte’s keys and you can run me back over there tonight so I can grab my stuff and pick up the rental car.”
His gaze on me was unwavering.
“Would that be all right?”
“Yep,” he agreed, digging the toe of his boot into the dirt. I had to love a man in a tuxedo and polished cowboy boots. Not many could pull it off. “That sounds about right.”
“I’ll look for you after Charlotte and Ben leave.”
“Good,” he said, turning to go.
And just like that, everything was back on course. “Rand.”
He looked over his shoulder at me.
“Thanks for making sure what was going on. I wouldn’t have.”
“I know,” he said solemnly, changing his mind about leaving, instead crossing the twenty feet or so of yard separating us.
I waited as he closed in on me, wondering about the scowl on his face. “Why’re you mad? I’m not mad, and I’m the one that should be.”
He stopped inches from me, so close that I had to take a step back, or would have, if he hadn’t grabbed hold of my arm to keep me there.
“Rand?”
“Why should you be mad, and why would you just go ahead and assume the worst of me? I’m the one who should be mad at you for thinking whatcha did.”
“Oh?” I snapped back at him, irritated now, rolling my shoulder so he had to let go or hold tighter. “And what exactly did I do?”
His hand tightened as he took another step closer, and I had no recourse but to tip my head back to meet his gaze. The man was big, and it was not the time that I wanted to be reminded.
“You don’t just go round thinkin’ the worst of people, Stef. That dog don’t hunt.”
It took me a minute. “What?”
“You know what I mean!” he growled at me, his other hand moving to the back of my head, fisting in my hair. “Don’t just think bad shit about me. I ain’t a bad man.”
Somewhere in the evening between me thinking he wanted out of our previously agreed-on plans and his ex-wife telling him she was getting remarried, Rand had been reminded that he could be an asshole.
“No, you’re not a bad man,” I said, putting my hands on his hips, sliding them up under his rumpled, untucked tuxedo shirt to the hot skin and rippling muscles underneath. “And I am sorry I didn’t come ask you what was going on. I do assume the worst, always have. It’s a terrible habit. I’ll work on it… forgive me.”
I felt the muscles clenching under my wandering hands, heard his breath falter, saw the way he was looking at me, like I was food.
“I thought maybe you wanted Jenny’s legs wrapped around you in bed,” I murmured, taking a breath before I leaned forward and kissed the pulsing vein on the side of his neck. “But I’m thinkin’ now it’s me you want under you… am I right? I’m just checking.”
He didn’t answer. He grabbed me instead, crushing me against him, his face buried in my shoulder, arms like steel wrapping me up. I had my answer.
Long minutes later, he let me go and followed me back into the tent. I didn’t worry that anyone would have thought the embrace odd. It was a wedding, after all, which all manner of weirdness could be attributed to. Being overly emotional or drunk covered a multitude of hallucinations. No one would have thought twice about Rand Holloway hugging me in the dark.
Inside, I took Charlotte’s keys to Rand’s mother and told her that Rand was driving me back to the house to collect my stuff because he was going with me to see a client in the morning. I was surprised when her face lit up and she took hold of my arm.
“Oh thank God,” her breath rushed out. “You keep that girl away from him, Stef. I can’t stand the doubt and self-loathing she plants in him.”
“I thought she was a nice girl,” I reminded her of her words earlier in the day. “You said that she was sweet and a homemaker and—”
“I know what I said.” She slapped my arm. “But it’s crap. She broke the man’s spirit with whatever she did or said, and I don’t want her back, you hear?”
“Yes, ma’am.” I grinned at her. “I’ll protect him.”
“See that you do.”
I hugged her tight, and she gasped at the sudden movement. “She told Rand she’s getting remarried. She just wanted to tell him.”
“She’s full of crap—she came to tell him she’s gettin’ hitched to see what his reaction would be, and that’s all.”
I eased her out to arm’s length. “You’re so distrusting.”
Her head snapped up so she could look up into my eyes. “Stef, I know my children well, and if you think I don’t know what’s good for them and bad for them… you’re a fool.”
I nodded, my hands dropping away from her.
“When I first met you, I didn’t understand about being gay. I was certain that given enough time, Charlotte would wear you down and you two would be married.”
I was going to say something, but she lifted her hand to stop me.
“I understand more now. I’ve gone to meetings and such.”
Why? What would prompt her to attend meetings about being gay?
“Don’t look at me like that,” she warned me. “I need to be… I know what’s fixin’ to happen, so just don’t you be so sassy.”
Me? “What’d I—”
“I love you,” she said suddenly, hand on my cheek as she stared up at me, daring me to say even a word. “You are a good boy, Stefan, contrary as all get out, but still… very good. Whatever happens, I approve.”
Air. I needed air. “You—”
Her hand fell off me, and she turned and walked away without another word. I really was in The Twilight Zone, I just knew it. Before I had a chance to recover, Rand walked by, grabbed my bicep, dragged me over to a table, and shoved me down into a chair before taking a seat beside me. Looking around at the group, there was no one I knew except Jenny, and we had never been properly introduced.
“This here is Stefan Joss, Char’s best friend,” Rand grunted, his thigh plastered against mine under the table. “Stef, this is my ex, Jenny Stover, and her cousin Kim, and my cousin Travis, and his wife Donna.”
“Nice to meet you all,” I greeted them.
“Your speech was the best one,” Kim assured me.
“Thank you.” I accepted the compliment because I was hoping it was true.
“And you look amazing,” Jenny said, her voice smooth and lovely. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a tan tuxedo before.”
I arched an eyebrow for her. “Gotta be different.”
Her smile was warmer than I expected, genuine. “Absolutely.” She sighed before turning to Rand, her hands closing on his bicep. “Come dance with me.”
He had no choice: she was tugging on his arm, and everyone else at the table was urging them on. As he started standing up, though, the music died, and the DJ apologized before he said that the bride needed her best friend out on the dance floor.
“That would be you,” Rand said to me, tipping his head toward the floor.
Standing up, I made my way through the crowd of people to find Charlotte on the dance floor with her hand out to me. I heard the first chords of “Cruisin’” as she grabbed me.
“You’re insane,” I assured her.
Her arms lifted, locking behind my neck as she stared up into my eyes. “And you will always be my first love.”
I took her into my arms as the song began, my eyes locked on hers. It had to be confusing for some people, the way she looked at me, the way I held her, since the love was there, a tangible thing that anyone could plainly see.
When the song ended, I bent and kissed her forehead, and there was cheering.
“One of these days,” she said wickedly, “before I die, I will get a real kiss from you, Stefan Joss, and I will know what the big deal is all about.”
I smirked, and she giggled before the DJ announced that the car had arrived to take the bride and groom away to their honeymoon. Being ready to call it a night myself, the novelty of her wedding having worn off hours ago, I gave her a tight squeeze before turning her toward Ben as he jogged across the dance floor to us. I was surprised that he had to hug me before he left, and I watched them as the crowd surged around them to see them off.
Outside on the gravel driveway, everyone clustered around as they climbed into the limousine, and Charlotte blew kisses before the door was finally closed and the car rolled away. When I turned to go back inside, I was suddenly face to face with Ben’s father.
“She’s Charlotte Cantwell now, sir… she’s a member of your family.”
“Yes, she is, and I’m very proud.”
I smiled and went to move by him, but he stopped me with a hand on my arm.
“You let me know if you ever think about leaving that big fancy firm you’re with now, Stef. I could use a man who knows people and the value of things.”
It was really a very generous offer, as Ben’s father owned a very large, very financially sound real estate development company. “Thank you, sir,” I said, taking his offered hand.
He tightened his grip when I tried to let go. “What you think you know about me is not the case, Stef. I realize what I said the other day left you thinking a certain way about me, and I am sorry about that. I was upset and spoke out of turn; those were not my true feelings on the Holloways. Furthermore, you being gay does not concern me in the least, and for the record, the insurance at my company covers domestic partners as well as spouses.”
I was stunned. I had thought poorly of him after his comment about Charlotte’s family, but he loved Charlotte. Clearly he liked her immediate family, as evidenced by his interaction with May and Rand, and apparently he really liked me and didn’t care who slept in my bed.
“So you call me if things change with you, Stefan. I would love to talk to you about what you want your future to be.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“Don’t confuse this conversation with me being nice. I am very serious about making money and truly believe you would be an asset.”
“Thank you again, sir.”
“No, thank you, Stef,” he said, patting my arm. “You’ve been a good friend to Ben, and I value that more than you know.”
I was watching him walk away when Rand stepped up beside me.
“What was that about?”
“He just offered me a job.” I turned my head to look at him. “Weird, huh?”
The bemused expression on his face made me smile.
“That Mr. Cantwell is a smart man. He sees Char, he sees you…. Very smart man.” He exhaled, reaching out to fiddle with my collar.
“So,” I teased him, “you ready to go, cowboy?”
“Yessir,” he said, nodding, tucking a long piece of hair behind my ear, his fingers sliding down the side of my neck.
We went to say good night to his mother and Uncle Tyler, and they said they would see us for breakfast in the morning. May was going to spend the night at the house where the wedding party had been staying and then drive over to the ranch in the morning. I told her that she should just follow us back and we could get our things and drive over to the ranch together. Tyler thought that sounded logical. The look Rand shot me would have killed me, but I waggled my eyebrows at him, and he couldn’t hold the scowl.
On the way out, Jenny and her cousin asked Rand for a ride, but May said that neither of us, neither car, was going back toward Lubbock. We were all headed back out to the ranch.
“And we all know how much you hate the ranch, dear,” May said, patting her arm as she walked by.
I looked at Rand as he succumbed to a coughing fit.
“God, your mother just hates me now,” Jenny said sadly, looking at both of us.
“Can’t rightly blame her,” Tyler said as he walked by.
She gasped, and Rand grabbed my arm to yank me after him.
I heard her gasp for the second time and snorted out a laugh. “You’re making her think bad things when you manhandle me.”
“So what?” He sighed. “She didn’t want me. She don’t get no say.”
As I walked out with him, I wondered about the story of Rand and Jenny and whether I even had the right to ask.