Chapter 17 - Sharing Our Worlds

 

 

A few hours later, I opened my eyes to find Sean staring directly at me, as if he knew I was about to wake up.

“What did I do – pass out?” I asked, rubbing my eyes.

“Something like that.”

“I’m sorry. It’s been a long day. What time is it?”

“It’s about midnight.”

“Why aren’t you sleep yet?”

“I’m not tired.”

“I am. I think I’m going to go and lay down. I didn’t mean to take over your bed, even though it’s about four times the size of mine.”

“A big man needs a lot of room.”

“Big? Your little skinny butt doesn’t need all that room.”

Sean grinned, then took a glass off of his nightstand. “You don’t have to go, you know. We could talk.”

“Talk? At midnight? About what?”

“Anything.” He turned up the glass to his mouth.

“What is that you’re drinking? Milk?”

“Nah, it’s a Haitian drink.”

“Oh. What’s in it?”

“Ah…creamed coconut, condensed milk, nutmeg, and Haitian rum. It’s called Kremas. You want to taste? It’s really good.” Sean handed me the glass. “Taste.”

I skeptically turned the glass up to my mouth to take a sip. It was surprisingly good. Not that I doubted Sean, but that was some good stuff. I took another sip.

“This is good. Mmm.”

“You can have it if you want.”

I kept the glass in my hand and took another swallow. “So what were we talking about again?”

“You were just about to tell me more about yourself.”

“What is it that you want to know?” I asked, almost wishing I didn’t ask such an open question.

“You said you were from Milwaukee, right?”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“Where is your family?”

I yawned. “Let’s see, my parents divorced right after I graduated from high school. My father lives on the Southside near the airport, and last I heard, my mom lives somewhere in Wauwatosa.”

“What you mean last you heard? You don’t talk to her anymore?”

“I knew I should’ve gone to my room. Why are you asking so many questions?”

“How else am I supposed to get to know you?”

I combed my hair with my fingers, trying to get all the strands in a ponytail, but then let it fall free again. I didn’t want to go into detail about my relationship with my parents. Now I found myself yet again explaining why I distanced myself from them.

“Well, the last time I had a conversation with my mom, I was nineteen.”

“Nineteen? Why is that?”

“It’s kind of personal, if you don’t mind. However, I will say that I remember the day I left. We were arguing and I remember screaming ‘I hate you’ at the top of my lungs, then I packed some clothes and left.”

“Hmmm. I wish you would tell me more. I mean, how can you not talk to your own mother?”

“Simple. We didn’t get along. I know you find that hard to understand since you get along with your mother so well, but me and my mom is a whole different story.”

“I’ll admit, my mom drives me a little crazy sometimes, too, but she’s still my mother. I would never completely stop talking to her.”

“Yeah, well, let me put it this way…my mom made me do something that I regret every day I wake up, and I’ve never forgiven her for it.”

“And what was that?”

“I’m not going into detail about it. I just wanted to let you know why my relationship with my mother is strained.”

I could tell by Sean’s facial expression that he wanted to know more, but I wasn’t willing to share. I didn’t want to talk about my past. Anytime I did, I would always cry. Always.

“And what about your father? Do you talk to him at all?”

“Yeah, sometimes.”

“Brothers and sisters?”

“No. I’m the only child. I had a younger sister. Her name was Mikayla. She died when I was around five or six years old.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It was a long time ago. I barely remember her.”

“So what is it about your parents that make you so…so distant from them?”

“All I will say is they were two people who pretended to love each other so that they appeared to be happy in public, but at home, it was complete chaos. I remember once, they argued over a field trip I was supposed to take when I was in the seventh grade. They fought a lot, too…and many nights, I would just cry myself to sleep listening to them go back and forth.”

“No offense, but your people sound a little crazy.”

“They drove me crazy!” I laughed. “I decided I wouldn’t get married a long time ago based on their screwed up life.”

“Yep, and now here we are…married and all.” Sean smiled.

“Whatever. We’re not married. How many times do I have to tell you that?”

“I know. I was just messing with you. But wait a minute. What about the high school boyfriend? You wouldn’t have married him eventually? I thought you loved him.”

“I do love him, and yeah, I suppose I would have married him. That one time he proposed, I just wasn’t ready and he wasn’t ready either. I could tell. But I know he loved me.”

“Do you think he still loves you like you love him?”

“Probably not. I hurt him.”

“You cheated on dude?”

“Nooo, nothing like that.”

“Then what?”

He’s a pushy son-of-a-gun, isn’t he? Can I get a minute to breathe between questions?

“I don’t want to go into detail about that either. But, anyway, no one thinks that seriously in high school, and by you being a man and all, I know then you didn’t think about marriage.”

“Very funny,” Sean said.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding.”

“I know. I don’t think I started thinking about marriage until my mid twenties. It was like I had no stability, no home, no kids…and I really wanted kids.”

“And a fine woman, huh?”

“Well, yeah, of course. I wanted it all. And I had the perfect woman that would’ve made my life complete.”

“Apparently she wasn’t all that perfect if she didn’t know how to cook?”

“Huh?”

“Shanelle. She didn’t know how to cook…right?”

“Oh.” Sean smiled. “I wasn’t talking about Shanelle, though, but nah, she couldn’t cook. And speaking of Shanelle, I know she wasn’t right for me. I didn’t love her…never even made love to her.”

“What you mean you never made love to her? She was your wife.”

“I know that, but I didn’t love her.”

“So why would you marry someone you don’t love?”

“I’d rather not go into detail about that.” He got me back. Now he wanted to skip details because I did.

“Okay, so when did you realize you didn’t love her anymore?”

“That’s just the thing. I never loved her.”

“Okay, but a while ago, you told me that you were still in love with an ex. I thought you were talking about Shanelle.”

“Nah, I wasn’t talking about her. When I used to lie in bed beside her at night, I would be thinking about someone else. Like I said, I wanted the complete package, the nice home, the cars, and the fine woman with a banging body.”

“Wait…let me get this straight. You married Shanelle because she was fine? And let me guess, the woman you were really in love with wasn’t that attractive?”

“Nah, she was very attractive.”

“Could she cook?”

Sean laughed. He knew where I was going with the questions. “Yeah, she could cook.”

“So why didn’t you marry her instead of Shanelle?”

“You sure ask a lot of questions, don’t you?”

“Well, you were asking me a lot of questions. Now it’s your turn.”

“I didn’t marry the woman that I loved because I left her. Now you’re going to ask me why, right?”

“Nope. I’m not going to pry.”

Sean got up off of the bed and turned on his CD player. I’m glad he did. The conversation was becoming intense as we found out more about each other.

Sean turned to me and said, “Remember that compas style music I was telling you about?”

“Yeah. Is that it?”

“Yep.”

The music sounded very similar to salsa music to me. It was very relaxing. I could imagine myself lying on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean while listening to music like that.

“You like it?”

“Yeah, it’s nice. I can get down to this.”

He joined me on the bed again. Only this time, he sat beside me.

“I like you,” he said, while looking at me with a smile on his face.

“Now what are you talking about?”

“Your personality…I like it. Shanelle was always uptight and bossy. I still can’t believe she left me, though.”

“Why would you care? You didn’t love her anyway.”

“But I had this concept that she was supposed to be with me or something. I don’t know. It’s a man thing, I guess.”

“Did you have any clues that she was seeing someone else?”

“Of course, I did. She was staying out late and I found a few numbers in her coat pocket. I mean, she was fine. I know a lot of dudes were trying to get at her. I didn’t think she was really feeling them like that, though.”

“Why do I get the vibe that you love her?”

“I care for her. I don’t like the fact that she left me a single father.”

Sean seemed to be talking in circles. At one point, it seemed as if he had love for Shanelle, and then the next, he seemed like he could care less about her. I had to get it clear in my mind what he was really feeling.

“I’m not trying to defend Shanelle or anything, but you just said you didn’t love her. And you never made love to her. Why would she want to stay with you?”

“You got a point,” Sean said with a smirk on his face.

“Well, you’re doing okay without her anyway.”

“Yeah, thanks to you.” Sean hung his head. “Do you know what I miss the most?”

“What’s that?”

“I miss having someone in bed with me every night, a warm body.”

“So get married again?”

“I’m already married, remember….me and you.”

“I’m not talking about that, silly.”

“Yeah, I know. I think I would get married again if I met the right woman.”

“And just who is the right woman?”

“Ah…hmm, the right woman for me would be someone who loves me, my son, and my family.”

“Okay, well that’s a given. I’m talking about features and qualities. The only reason I’m asking is because it seems like men, especially black men, have a very high standard for the woman they want as a potential girlfriend or wife. I mean, their standards are so high, it’s practically unreachable.”

“Well, my woman has to be attractive. She ain’t gotta be no Halle Berry, but I have to be attracted to her. I like a woman who’s sexy but not stuck up, confident but not overly independent, silly but intelligent enough to debate with me. Also, she has to be my partner, my sidekick, the woman who always got my back no matter what. I need someone whom I can trust to love me and be faithful, and in turn, I will give the same.”

“Wow. That’s a tall order.”

“It is a tall order, but it’s not unreachable. You’ve already filled most of it.”

I wasn’t expecting to hear that from him. In his mind, I’m his ideal woman. I didn’t know how to take it, so I laughed it off.

Then I asked casually, “What you mean?”

“What I mean is, most of the ideal qualities I want in a wife, I see them in you. You’re beautiful, intelligent, funny, and you love my son.”

What does he mean he’s found most of the qualities he wants in me? I’m not even everything I want to be yet. I haven’t accomplished all the things I want to. I want a career and a house of my own. I hadn’t even started living yet.

Keisha used to tell me that you don’t actually start living until you hit thirty. I don’t know how she would know that since we were pretty much the same age.

Anyway, getting back to Sean, I think he was just flirting with me when he made statements like that. But what if he wasn’t? What if he was really into me? Come to think about it, I haven’t seen Sean with a woman since I’ve been living here. There was no mention of a woman. I don’t think he was seeing anyone.

“Whatever, Sean.” I played it off as if he was joking. “Well, I can barely keep my eyes open so I’m going to bed.”

“You’re in bed.” Sean wanted me to stay the rest of the morning with him. I must have made some impression on him. It seems like he wanted to be with me all the time now.

“I’m in a bed, but not my bed.”

“It could be your bed,” Sean mumbled, thinking I didn’t hear him, but I did.

“Sean, you may get a lot of women with that charm of yours, but that doesn’t work on me.”

Sean laughed. “I already got you. Did I ever show you a copy of our marriage license?”

I was beside myself. I couldn’t believe Sean would even keep a copy of the bogus marriage license. We both knew the marriage wasn’t really a marriage – just an oversight in a contract. Sean kept it in the top drawer of his nightstand, under some cherry menthol cough drops, a box of Magnums, an Omar Tyree novel and a pack of Big Red chewing gum.

“Here it is,” he said, handing it to me.

“Wow. This is actually the first marriage license I’ve ever seen.” I handed it back to him quickly. “That’s really weird.”

“Yeah, I know. What feels even weirder is that my wife sleeps in a separate bedroom than I do like people used to do in the old days.”

“Whatever. I see you got jokes.” I began walking to the door, but Sean wasn’t joking. It seemed as if he viewed this marriage, if you could call it that, as a sign like we were supposed to be together.

“I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

“Ah’ight, Monica.”

 

Entry 6

Sean and I talked about Cornelius today. Just talking about him made me realize some feelings for him that were still lingering inside of me. I wanted him so bad, but I knew I couldn’t have him back. And if I were that fortunate, things would never be the same between us. So, at this point, I’m contemplating how it would feel to love another man besides Cornelius. Could I? Could I find enough courage to let the past be ancient history and move on to someone else? I know that I cannot have Cornelius again, and it wasn’t my aim to find someone who was just like him. At this point in my life, love is enough.

On a more jaw-dropping note, I cannot believe Sean and I are married. I didn’t even know something like that could happen. Being the prompt man that he was, I’m surprised Sean didn’t get something like this resolved immediately. Instead, he knew about this from the moment I moved in and didn’t do a thing about it. Just by listening to him, I got the impression that he wanted this marriage to work. But why? He hardly even knows me. Maybe he misses being married to Shanelle. I’m not sure. All I know is that I can’t be nobody’s wife right now. This may sound selfish, but right now, it’s all about me. I have to find myself. I can’t do that while being attached to someone. That just won’t work.