Pacific Palisades
Summer 1978
Jason and David were as close to twins as two people born of different parents could be. They had loved each other since the first grade. They grew up in a sleepy mountain suburb of Los Angeles called Pacific Palisades, noted for its movie stars and for being the home of Ronald Reagan. They went to the same schools, sat in the same classes, played baseball in the spring and football in the fall. They hiked the mountains, surfed the beaches that edged the town just below the cliffs, learned to smoke cigarettes in front of the Bel-Air Bay Club, and discovered girls.
They were Boy Scouts and developed a passion for Indian lore. Jason was more passionate than David, but that was how it was in most things. The boys became part of the ritual team of the Order of the Arrow, the national camping society of the Boy Scouts of America. They chose what Indian nation to emulate, learned the customs of that population, and made their costumes in the manner of their chosen tribe. They learned to dance and performed the “call out” ceremony that initiated those elected to become part of the society. These O. A. rituals were secret, and the young scouts had no idea about what would happen to them when they were pulled away from their fellow campers to begin their initiation.
The boy’s lodge met once a week at Camp Josepho, which was considered the “West Point” of scout camps. Josepho was a loose collection of clapboard cabins centered in one hundred acres of valleys and mountains just beyond the multimillion-dollar estates of the Palisades Riviera. Jason and David would ride their bikes up Amalfi Drive, past the homes of movie stars, until the pavement ended. From there they would coast down the steep dirt road, hugging the side of the mountain, drop through half a dozen switchbacks, ford a year-round creek and end up in the central meadow of the camp.
At the beginning of that summer Jason had conned a park ranger into giving him a dead coyote that the ranger had trapped. Jason had a way of convincing people that his vision was the way things should be, and even then, the ranger was no match for thirteen-year-old J.J. This event became the talk of the lodge, and Jason turned his coyote into an outfit worthy of an actual medicine man.
Jason’s headdress became the envy of all of the scouts in the lodge. They were amazed at how well Jason had skinned the animal and prepared the pelt. But then, Jason always had been resourceful. He knew where to find help and collect information. He put a pair of yellow glass eyes in place of the animal’s dead ones. He bought a jaw set and tongue from a taxidermy shop that made the creature look alive. The coyote’s body was a slick fur coat which Jason wore with pride.
One day in late August Jason and David were alone in the craft building at the camp working on their costumes. A bag of eagle feathers—so the package said—was in the middle of the table, and Jason was contemplating where to put a feather on his pelt. David was doing the same thing, choosing feathers to sew on his beaded breastplate. He had chosen to become a Sioux, where Jason had decided to follow the Zuni people who worshiped the coyote as a trickster and a healer.
“Do you think animals have souls?” Jason asked, as he envisioned the best place to put his feather.
“I don’t know. Do you?”
“I think so. My dog meditates with us.”
“Huh? Really?” David was more interested in making his breastplate perfect than in Jason’s meditating dog.
“Have you ever tried to meditate?”
David looked at Jason as if he was asking him if he’d ever met an alien. “No. Isn’t it a bit weird?”
David had never truly understood Jason’s fascination with spiritual things. Jason’s mother, Elizabeth St. John, had experimented with all kinds of spiritual teachings, and at that moment she was a Christian Scientist. David had gone a few times with Jason to the Christian Science Church because that’s what buddies did, but he thought the service was boring and sterile.
Yet David envied Jason’s history; it was completely different from his. David believed that Jason’s upbringing made him much more self-assured. David felt totally conventional, a true Baptist. He never liked to stand out. For him, the good life was getting good grades in school so that he could go to college and escape from his family. It was riding a good wave, and having friends he could trust, and being noticed by a beautiful girl—although David was a bit shy and hadn’t the balls to make the first move. That’s what Jason did. He was always the first to do everything. Sometimes David thought he was destined to be the sidekick, the willing accomplice who would follow Jason just about anywhere and do just about anything Jason was willing to do. David really didn’t mind. Yet, when it came to delving into the occult, and many people thought that Christian Science was a cult, it challenged David’s beliefs and the morals that his family lived by. Jason’s religion confused David. Sin and redemption existed for good a reason, or so the Bible said. That didn’t mean he didn’t like adventure, but unlike Jason, David liked to know what he was getting into before he jumped.
“Actually it’s kind of cool,” Jason said, assuming David was on the same thought wave as he was. “My mom has these tapes she listens to and we meditate together after school.”
“But what does it do? Doesn’t it mess with your mind?”
“No. I was reading Dr. Green’s book on meditation and he said that when you meditate the mind becomes the place where you can experience God.” Jason rattled this off as if it made perfect sense.
“Experience God!? Wouldn’t I die if I did?”
“No, not at all. I’m not dead.”
“You haven’t seen God.”
“It’s not like you’ve been taught. Come on. Let me show you.”
“I don’t want to mess around with that stuff. What’s it make you do, hear voices?”
“No, it’s rad. It’s like getting this feeling that, you know, it’s really far-out. It’s like getting high without the weed.”
“I don’t know.”
Jason jumped up, crawled across the table where the boys were working, and grabbed David around the neck. He pulled him close and looked deep into his eyes. David’s heart started pounding. He couldn’t breathe. Suddenly Jason let go, got off the table, and began pacing the room.
“No! There is a way. I know it. I can show it to you.” Jason stopped and looked at David again, close to figuring out how to share his passion. “You know when we’re surfing and you just fall into the groove and everything you do nails it and you don’t really think about it? You’ve done that, right?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s like meditating! You’re experiencing the wave.”
“I’m riding it.”
“Don’t be such a jerk. I’ve seen that look on your face. I know you’ve experienced that.”
“Okay. So surfing is meditation.” David went back to sewing his eagle feathers on his Sioux breastplate.
Jason didn’t give up and sat down next to him, speaking right into his face. To David, Jason’s voice took on the caliber of a radio commercial. David occasionally looked over to him as he spoke; “The way Dr. Green explains it, we commune with God through a still mind. That’s why they meditate in India. Mom and I light candles after school before Dad comes home. I don’t think she’s even told him yet. I know it sounds kind of strange, but it’s really amazing. Anyway, we sit on the floor and mom tells me to watch my thoughts and see if I can find the spaces between them. I pretend like I’m watching cars on the freeway, but instead of focusing on the cars I focus on the spaces between them. I did it once, just for a few moments, and I felt this incredible peace. Like the whole world had disappeared and there was nothing but me, but it wasn’t me like I am, it was me without a physical body!”
David was speechless. But, there was something about Jason’s intensity that made him subconsciously pay attention. Jason was always enthusiastic about new things. He threw himself into projects—like the boy’s O. A. costumes—so this wasn’t out of character. There was clarity in Jason’s eyes and a passion in his voice when he described his meditation, which David hadn’t seen or heard before. And as much as he didn’t want to give in to Jason’s enthusiasm, he was intrigued by what Jason was saying.
Jason picked on David’s openness and pressed on. “Want to try it?”
“Why not?” Perhaps David subconsciously wanted to break out from the narrowness of his family’s conventional thinking.
“Let’s do this. Let’s get into our costumes and put on our paint and go up to the high meadow,” Jason said. “I know the Indians would have done this. They could get themselves into a state of mind where they could feel totally connected to nature.”
David thought this was exciting, like another secret ritual. No one was around. They were on our own, two young braves preparing to face the wilderness and explore the furthest reaches of their thinking. David felt it was kind of hedonistic, completely anti Baptist, and he liked it.
“Let’s do this all the way.” Jason stepped out of his underwear and wrapped his loincloth around his waist. Watching Jason gave David another sensation. It made his nuts tingle. It wasn’t like he’d never seen Jason naked before—they were practically brothers. But this was a different situation. They were becoming primitive and discarding conventional morality. David loved Jason as a brother, but he was attracted to girls. He had two older sisters and a father who never talked about sex. David thought his father was afraid of it, afraid of having to tell his son what it was all about. Or maybe he didn’t really know.
David pushed those feelings aside, took off his street clothes, put on his costume, and followed Jason from the cabin. Jason locked the door, hid the key under the mat, and the boys headed off upstream to the high meadow. Neither one of them noticed the ranger watching them from his cabin.
The boys hiked in silence, skirting the creek. Jason led as usual while David’s mind raced ahead. What if all this wasn’t just playacting, kid stuff, and make-believe? What if Jason was tapping into some psychic realm, intent on brainwashing him? David laughed at that thought. If Jason could do that it had happened a long time ago.
The upper meadow was about a mile from the main camp and a thousand feet higher. Typical of the Santa Monica Mountains, the lower approach was a winding, narrow canyon cut through the mountains by a stream. The high meadow blossomed out from there into a pear shape field rising to within a few hundred feet of the ridgeline, which was covered in chaparral and sumac. The meadow grass was tall and yellow, as high as the boy’s knees, and smelled of summer rain. The source of the creek was a spring in the middle of the meadow that, because of the summer storm, had grown to the size of a pond. The water was mainly clear, though not very deep.
As the boys entered the meadow, David had the sensation that he was leaving his childhood. He followed Jason to the spring, and the young “Indians” fell on their backs and looked up at the extremely soft but brilliant blue sky.
“I’ve got fuzz-balls floating in front of my eyes,” Jason said.
“It’s the atmosphere.”
Jason sat up, crossed his legs, and faced David. “All of this,” Jason gestured to everything around them, “is inside of you, you know. Nothing is really out there. It’s all in your mind.”
“Really? I don’t see that.”
“If we believed strongly enough,” Jason continued, “we could put ourselves back in time and experience what Indian kids our age did when they went through their rites of passage. We could, you know.”
David sat up and faced him. “Then let’s do it.”
Jason said, “Cross your legs and put your knees against mine. Put your hands on my knees like this.”
David put his right hand on Jason’s right knee and his left hand on Jason’s left knee, making a cross. Jason did the same and the boys were completely entwined.
“Now stare into my eyes,” Jason continued.
David held his gaze for a few seconds and then started to laugh.
“Come on. This is scientific. We might experience something outrageous.”
“Are you going to hypnotize me?”
“No!” Jason replied emphatically. “We’re each going to look deep into the psyche of the universe.”
David met Jason’s gaze again, and after a few breaths relaxed into the awkward position. David’s back straightened. The cramping in his legs left, and he felt like he was floating. Jason’s eyes were almost unblinking and at first David wanted to count the seconds between blinks, but some other part of him said, “Keep still.” Jason was breathing deeply in through his nose and out through his mouth. David followed Jason’s breathing and soon no longer saw him. David felt calm.
Both of the boys’ breathing slowed into long, steady breaths. They fell into the same rhythm. Their heartbeats were in sync, and the pulsing of the blood in Jason’s legs matched the beat in David’s. David was no longer aware of his breathing. He was now looking through Jason, traveling further into the depth of his eyes until he was no longer aware of Jason’s form. All David saw was the pasture in the mountains, pure and pristine. There was no time.
David lost his sense of self and merged with all that surrounded him—the pasture, the spring and even Jason. He felt the water push through the grass into his body. He heard the wind carry the song of the wilderness to every corner of his being.
Jason shuddered and let out a long sigh. David snapped back to what he thought was the present time and looked up. They were surrounded by Native American boys, about their same age, dressed in animal skins, with their bodies and faces painted like war paint. Some wore elaborate costumes decorated with feathers, shells, and quills. Others wore only simple loincloths. They seemed to welcome Jason and David back as if they were long lost brothers. David felt love fill the air. It made him catch his breath. Made his heart beat faster.
Then one boy, with greased black hair tied into braids, loosened his loincloth. He stood naked in front of Jason and David, and then moved with an animal grace, completely uninhibited and free. The other Indian boys followed his lead, dropping their garments and joining his dance. They beckoned to David and Jason to do the same.
David looked at Jason. Was this real? Was Jason seeing the same thing? Jason needed to go first. David couldn’t do it alone. Then Jason started to move and as he did, David saw the head of his penis protruding from his loincloth and growing with the steady pulse of the throbbing dance. David started to get hard and tried to fight it.
Jason stripped off his costume and joined the dance. David watched Jason spin around, his hands reaching up to the heavens and his manhood growing as stiff and as large as a satyr in the company of virgins. The naked Indians acknowledged his arrival with erections of their own, dancing in celebration of life—in celebration of their maleness. David felt the elation and wanted to join in. He wanted to be free.
David tried to get up but couldn’t. Something in his head said that this was sinful; that he wasn’t allowed this kind of freedom. He wasn’t supposed to get aroused by other men. He tried to justify his arousal by arguing that it was natural. Jason was there to encourage him, showing him how to drop his conditioning and dance. “Who said thou wast naked?” came the Biblical statement booming into David’s head.
When he finally did get up, he was as stiff as Jason. The Indians had vanished and there was Jason dancing naked, alone. In a rash of guilt, he once more lost his enthusiasm. The mystical union he and Jason had been sharing dissolved, leaving only sin and the promise of punishment.
“What the hell are you boys doing up here?” came the ranger’s voice, yelling from the edge of the meadow.
David ran into the spring and fell face down in the cold water. Jason confronted the man with a look of complete contempt. He wasn’t ashamed or intimidated.
“Get something and cover that thing up,” the ranger shouted. Turning to David he said, “Get the hell out of that spring!”
David didn’t want to move. He didn’t have Jason’s confidence, and he was harder than a rock. He would rather die than expose what he didn’t want exposed.
“Now!” the ranger shouted.
David reluctantly got up and his loincloth looked like it was stretched over a tent pole.
“So what have we got here, a couple of little queers? Well, let’s see how this goes down with your parents. Come on. Let’s go!”