The Atua Man: A Novel

The next evening Lillian had dinner with Elizabeth on the lanai of her apartment. She told Elizabeth her feelings for Jason and David, and about the dilemma she now faced. Elizabeth was not shocked; in fact, she had seen it coming. Her council to Lillian was to be true to herself. But she also told her to be patient and not make any decision in the emotion of the departure. The boys would be gone almost half a year, and the important thing was to keep them in her prayers and meditations.

Then Lillian told Elizabeth that she was going back to London. She had an offer to do a West End play and had come to the conclusion that acting was her true calling. She told Elizabeth that she would never forget their time together, and all that she’d learned by helping her pull the material from her classes into a manuscript. They parted in love, but Elizabeth’s detachment from emotion manifested as indifference. Lillian knew Elizabeth loved her, but Elizabeth’s impersonal nature rubbed Lillian the wrong way. She remembered how David had misinterpreted that spiritual principle. He thought the St. John family was so cold whenever the problems of life had entered their world. Perhaps they were marvelous healers, but sometimes a person just needed a friend. Where was the line between the emotions of human life and the divine indifference taught by all the mystics?

Dear Jason,

I was miserable last night, doubly so because of the night before. I can’t stop crying. You’re breaking my heart, J.J. I know that sounds selfish. You have such gifts, and I feel we are destined to be together sometime, but I can’t wait until that time comes. As painful as it is, I need to set you free to set myself free. It’s agony to think of you at sea with Larry. I know you think of this trip as an initiation and that somehow you’ll be worthy of your gifts if you survive, but what about those who love you? Don’t we have a say in this too? All I can say is that I love you and hope that someday we can look back on these days without regret.

I’ve decided not to spend any more time in Hawaii. I’ve been offered a part in a play in London. It’s a wonderful new play, so when you return from the South Pacific I’ll be in London. Your mother will know where I am. When you are finished with your adventures and ready to seriously continue our relationship, call me.

Until then … Aloha.

Most affectionately, Lillian

Dear David,

I’ve gone to London to establish my career. I have a part in a new play and I feel it is right to put what I’ve learned spiritually into my art. I think you should do the same thing. Hopefully your voyage to Tahiti wasn’t too bad, but if it was, leave that boat and come to me.

I love you, and I think we would have a happy life together in the arts. Don’t worry about Jason. I’ve already told him I want to be free. I will always love him, but I don’t think I could make a life with him. Maybe that voice that said I would marry him meant something other than a physical marriage. I would have never doubted it until I met you.

Please call me as soon as you can. I miss your voice already. All my crying on the boat yesterday was as much about losing you as it was imagining the hell you are going through. Perhaps I’m wrong. I hope I am.

All My Love, Lillian

The next day on her way to the airport, Lillian realized that Elizabeth had been right; she was hypnotized. If she couldn’t overcome her attachment to Jason perhaps the mystical life wasn’t for her. She had studied Dr. Green since her days at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts and thought she had a good grasp of mystical principles. She could meditate and see a change in herself. She had experienced physical healing, but she didn’t think she could ever be like Elizabeth. She could not detach herself from her love. At least that was her perception of the St. Johns. That’s why she had to let Jason go. Perhaps this experience was necessary for him, but Lillian needed to put aside her spiritual practice and just live her life—though it would be according to spiritual law to the degree she could manage it.