The Atua Man: A Novel

The Mata‘i’s arrival in Honolulu was a microcosm of the trip in general, with Larry back to his old tricks. Before reaching Honolulu, Larry didn’t want to toss overboard the remaining pamplemousse they had gathered at Anaho, so David, Melanie, and Jason peeled and segmented what fruit was left and put the pieces in plastic bags. Larry reasoned that without the skin the fruit couldn’t be denied entry. It was another of Larry’s make-work miscalculations. All the plastic bags were confiscated. Jason was beyond commenting on Larry’s blunders, and Melanie laughed in disbelief. But David told Larry off in front of the inspectors. He let fly with all of his frustrations and anger at Larry’s behavior while Larry tried to eat as much of the fruit as he could.

Larry hadn’t radioed his wife Helen of his arrival, and when the agricultural inspectors left, Larry took his shore phone from his storage locker and plugged it in. He still had a dial tone and called Helen, leaving a message that they had arrived. He retrieved Jason’s log from the aft cabin and tallied up the last few pages of expenses and told Jason he owed him $832. David and Melanie were outraged. Jason just laughed. The crew gathered up their gear and called a cab. Melanie invited them to stay at her mother’s house for a few days, leaving Larry alone on the boat.

David declined Melanie’s offer to stay with them and found a cheap hotel in Waikiki. He needed to be alone to reflect on what had taken place. Jason spent three days at Melanie’s mother’s house. He sat by her pool, drank gallons of iced tea, and tried to figure out what to do next. He thought about Lillian constantly. He called his mother in Los Angeles and found out that Lillian was in London. Elizabeth wouldn’t tell him any more than that. Melanie couldn’t share anything about Larry with her mother, and when her mother questioned her about Jason, she wouldn’t answer those questions either. So, Melanie’s mother left the kids alone and went on with her life. Melanie spent most of her time with her high-school friends, away from her mother, her house, and Jason.

Every time Jason looked at his body, covered as it was in tattoos, it brought to mind the horror and insight of his Hiva ritual. On the sail home the tattoos hadn’t bothered him—being at sea on the Mata‘i made them seem natural. Larry could barely look at Jason, though. For all his supposed love for the islanders, he couldn’t get over his bigotry that tattooed people were lower class and stupid. The tattoos made David cringe, because he felt the pain, both emotional and physical, that had come with them. Melanie, on the other hand, thought they were cool. Now, back in the States, Jason viewed them as symbols of a culture he wanted nothing more to do with. He felt disfigured and he worried about how Lillian would react. Would she still love him?

In the backyard of Melanie’s mother’s Kahala house, Jason reflected on what had happened to him and struggled to find some kind of rationale for his reactions to the rituals on Hakamaii. He had reacted like a normal man during the sexual rites, yet the whole situation disgusted him. He felt like he had been raped. He prayed none of those girls would bear his child, but the thought of having children pleased him. Eventually he understood how Spirit had embraced him until he was so united in oneness that the physical dimension dissolved, saving his life on the sacrificial altar. Would that ever happen again? Had he fulfilled what every mystery school required of a master—the death of the mortal self for the immortality of the spirit? Would he be living in a resurrected state of consciousness? He didn’t know. It was all a jumble of ideas and theories and physical sensations that, if pulled together into some semblance of reason might reveal a greater spectrum of life.

Jason knew that life was not just a product of matter. If it was, he could not have escaped the psychological manipulation and drugs of the tahunas. Life was an expression of the unseen reality of individual being. Without the mental conditioning imposed by the relative reality of Newtonian physics, any physical condition could be changed. If Jason could get others to believe what he had experienced in the spiritual realm during that horrendous ritual, perhaps he could change the perception of humanity. Jason had escaped from death, and it confirmed the mystical principle which stated that a person consciously realizing the oneness of infinite consciousness is untouched by material cause and effect. Human belief never enters the mystical dimension. Jason firmly believed that the hundredth-monkey effect was true. He felt that an idea in consciousness, when accepted by enough people, could change the way humanity saw the world. There had to be a critical mass to everything, and perhaps sharing his experience in Hakamaii would start that ball rolling.

For David the trip seemed like an interruption to his life. He would never forget the experience, yet there was much about the voyage that he wanted to forget. He questioned everything. Could he even go back to whom he was before he got the telegram in Barcelona that began it all? Jason had warned him that it might be a life defining experience, and it was. But as much as David loved Jason, he didn’t want to be involved in Jason’s life anymore. He made a mental note to “say no” to any and all requests by Jason St. John.

On their third night ashore, Jason, David, and Melanie had dinner at the private Outrigger Canoe Club, thanks to Melanie’s membership. There was a touch of sadness in the air. Watching the sunset, the three friends realized how much the South Pacific had changed them. Jason, usually blunt and outgoing, was reserved and thoughtful. David, who had always deferred to Jason now demanded to know where he stood with his friends. If they weren’t as close as they were, David would have just drifted away. But he needed clarity to move on. Specifically, he wanted to know if Melanie and Jason loved each other. If they did it would free Lillian up for him.

“Are you going back to Lillian?” David asked, rather bluntly. He looked at Melanie for her reaction. David was sure Melanie had fallen in love with Jason.

Melanie pointedly examined her drink.

Jason laughed. “Do you want to duel me for her?”

“You’re an asshole, you know that?”

Jason reached across the table and took hold of David’s arm. “You know I love her… And I love you.” He turned to Melanie and said, “And I love you.”

Now Melanie laughed. “You two are the closest people in the world to me, but at this moment I’ve lived with you both long enough.”

“You’re not in love with J.J.?”

“No, Dave, I’m not. And I’m not in love with you either.” She pushed her chair back from the table. “Jesus Christ, you guys, has three days ashore rotted your brains?”

David turned to Jason, “What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know, Dave. I really don’t know. I need time to figure it all out.”

“What about you?” Jason looked at Melanie.

Melanie glanced at her shipmates, “I need to go somewhere where I can think and maybe find a rational explanation to what we all experienced.”

Jason stood up. “I’ve got to get out of here, too.”

Melanie wandered over to the seawall and stared out to sea. David and Jason joined her. She was crying softly. The boys put their arms around her.

“I love you two so much, but I don’t think I ever want to see you again,” said Melanie.

The trio stood there for a few moments until Jason said, “I’m going back to L.A. Want to come with me Dave?”

David pulled away. “No.” He kissed them both and left.

Melanie kissed Jason on both cheeks, in the French manner. “Good luck,” She said and left.

Jason was suddenly all alone.

Melanie couldn’t stay with her mother any longer and refused to get into the “I told you so” battles with her about Larry. She also needed to get out of Honolulu, but she didn’t want to go back to the Mainland. Having witnessed her father laid flat from a curse, and then resurrected, threatened all that she had believed. Had he actually died? What did Jason do and who was he really? She was still an atheist, but it was now necessary to put the recent bizarre events into some sort of rational order.

Her solution was on the island of Kauai. It meant asking something of Larry, which she didn’t want to do. Larry had some land on Hanalei Bay, a couple of acres on the west end of the beach with an old cottage on it. Melanie wanted to use it for a few months and Larry was happy to please his daughter.

Finding a reason, an explanation for what she had seen, was all that mattered to her. Jason had told her that she was to be the witness; but what exactly had she seen? Melanie began ordering every book she could find on the paranormal, mysticism and quantum theory. Soon books were arriving daily that filled every corner of her cottage. Most people went there to vacation, to play on the beach, to drink and eat and make holiday friendships. Melanie shunned all that. Her world became a mix of religious beliefs battling the quantum physicists and the materialists. After a couple of months, she became known as the Hermit of Hanalei. Her friends left her alone, and when she did emerge from the cottage ten months later, she decided to start a tour business. She discovered that she loved showing people her island and making money. In that respect, she was her father’s daughter. She found a niche in the tourist industry and became very successful—successful enough that she didn’t have to ask her father for anything again. And, she would not talk about her hermit period to anyone.

David bought Jason a plane ticket to Los Angeles. On the flight over the Pacific Jason thought about how to tell his mother about his experiences. She had told Jason that it would be an initiation, and that he must pay attention. Of course, she was right.

Elizabeth had her assistant pick Jason up at the airport and bring him to her Wilshire Boulevard apartment in Westwood. Elizabeth wasn’t expecting her son to be as changed as he was. When she opened the door, she almost recoiled from him. And Jason hadn’t expected his mother to react in the way she did.

After Jason had showered and was settled, mother and son sat down to talk. However, Elizabeth wasn’t interested in what had happened in the South Pacific. She didn’t want to hear about the adventure at all. She was only interested in how her son had grown spiritually. What principles he had practiced, and how had they furthered his understanding of the spiritual realm? If he had had a negative experience, then she was sorry and saddened, but the past was over and done. There was no discussion of justice, because she wasn’t interested in karma. Her power lay entirely in the “now moment.”

Jason asked about Lillian. Elizabeth had received one letter from her after she had settled in London, but nothing since then. She gave Jason Lillian’s address, but her detachment made Jason wonder what had happened between them. He attempted to talk about David and Melanie, and how Helen never showed up at the boat, but she was totally disinterested. She had known that Helen wanted to divorce Larry, and pronounced, “He never got it anyway.” Why then had Jason suffered Larry’s abuse? Why had Elizabeth sanctioned this trip if there was no chance for Larry to realize the spiritual presence? Jason needed some understanding, some emotional comfort from his mother, but Elizabeth was in her detached mode, indifferent to human appearances, including Jason’s distress. When Elizabeth continued to probe what spiritual insights her son had gleaned, he couldn’t tell her. At this point he felt his mother would take his experience, judge it, and put her interpretation to it. He wouldn’t let that happen.

The next day at breakfast, Elizabeth told her son that he could not stay with her. She had important work to do and assistants coming in daily. He could spend a few nights in the spare bedroom, but he needed to look for a job and find a place to live. She gave him a thousand dollars to get started, and Jason felt the connection between them cut. It was probably time for that to happen, but it still hurt, coming when he was so vulnerable. But she had been a good teacher, and Jason concealed his feelings and kissed her on both cheeks. He was free.

As Jason cleaned up the breakfast dishes, Dorothy Delany entered the apartment using her key. Elizabeth shouted from the adjoining room that she would be there in a minute, and Dorothy should pick up from where they had left off the day before. Dorothy was like an aunt to Jason and gave him a warm hug and kiss. She wanted to hear all about his voyage, and what he had learned. The difference between her caring and his mother’s indifference almost made him cry. He told her he was going to write a book about it, and that excited her. What a different response from his mother who had remarked, “What on earth would you have to say?”

Lillian had left the Pacific, and her life there far behind, both in her mind and geographically. She was now fulfilling her dream and performing in a new play, Charlotte Keatley’s My Mother Said I Never Should at the Royal Court Theater in London. The play was bold and edgy. Lillian’s character was one of four women in a multigenerational story about women and female relationships. The play explored what it meant to be female at various times in the twentieth century. Lillian’s character was a product of the sixties, a hippy girl with a baby that she gave to her sister to raise. In a strange way, playing this role gave Lillian insights into her complex feelings about the two men she loved. She took great cathartic pleasure kicking and screaming on stage, letting out her frustrations for her audience to see.

It also gave her the independence she craved. For her entire life, people had wanted to control her. Lloyd, Lillian’s father, had never approved of her acting, and he had completely rejected her spiritual study. Her mother, Nancy, loved her creativity but would never contradict Lloyd. And Elizabeth had been grooming her to become Elizabeth’s clone. As much as Lillian loved Elizabeth, she couldn’t put on the persona that Elizabeth deemed necessary to be seen as spiritual. Moving back to England had been the right choice. It freed her from the arrogance of the American exceptionalism she had witnessed in Jason, Larry, and so many people she had encountered in the States. For the first time in her life she was happy to be in England, and in control of her destiny.

Lillian had also chosen not to date. This was not to say that she wasn’t having fun with her colleagues. She became very adept at fending off the guys who just wanted a roll in the sack. But she couldn’t help wondering what had happened to Jason and David. Were they back in Honolulu? Had the trip been successful? She had a stack of letters from David describing their trip from Honolulu to Papeete, and Larry’s behavior. She could have written them herself from what she had perceived about Larry. And there was nothing from Jason but a kitschy postcard of a Tahitian dancer in a grass skirt and coconut shell bra with him wishing she were there.

Lillian splurged on a two-bedroom flat on Jermyn Street and signed a year’s contract for the apartment. Even though her salary was quite good, it was a gamble. If the play closed early, she would have to take in a roommate. But the play was a success. It was nominated for a number of Olivier Awards, and though Lillian didn’t receive a nomination herself, she gained a lot of recognition and her contract was extended as a result.

Jason and David entered her mind less and less and she doubted she’d ever see either one of them again, until, in February she received the following letter:

Dear Lillian,

You were right. I have to say that first off. Larry Graff was a monster. I won’t tell you all that happened in this letter because I’m writing a book about the experience. I know I’ve changed. My mother could hardly look at me. But I think there is a new spiritual revelation unfolding in me. I’ve dedicated myself to bringing it forth. I have missed you so much. You are my spiritual rock, and you are my only love. Dave said that I treated you terribly in Honolulu. If I did, I’m so sorry. I was unaware of how it all looked. I can’t take you away from your career. I saw your picture on a magazine cover at the supermarket and you looked so happy. How could I ask you to leave that? I would never do it. For the time being I’m stuck here in LA. Please be patient with me. We are destined to be together. After all I’ve gone through, I know that more than ever. I just don’t know when it will be. How can we get together?

Wait for me, my love. Give me hope.

Forever yours,

Jason

Lillian read the letter over and over. At first it made her cry, then it made her mad. Why had it taken him so long to write? Jason had a way of burdening people with his gifts. What was she supposed to do now? She had spent most of the past year holding on to her ideal concept of him, even treating their separation like a death, and now the same old Jason was knocking on her door, telling her to wait because he wasn’t ready to come in yet. Hadn’t he received her letter? Jason’s letter made her think it was strange that David hadn’t written her either since they had returned to the States. Had Jason put David off? She was more confused than ever and did not like it one bit.

After Jason’s departure, David stayed in Hawaii. He found a job teaching art at the University of Hawaii. His degree from Rhode Island School of Design was in ceramics. At the university he met a group of young native Hawaiians intent on establishing more sovereignty over their land. David joined their movement and celebrated when President George H. W. Bush ordered the Navy to stop bombing the island of Kahoolawe. He decided that his artistic talent should be in support of Hawaiian cultural values and reflect a contemporary vision of traditional Hawaiian art. What if the ancient Hawaiians had had modern tools and access to clay and all the materials available today? What would they have created?

His experiences in the South Pacific supported his reimaging of designs not seen for many, many decades. His being a white man put off some of the kanaka maoli, Hawaiian natives, but others appreciated his insight and ability to teach kids starved for a cultural touchstone. Hawaii became the muse that allowed his art to flower. His students, both at the university level and at the grammar school level—he also taught kids at the Honolulu Academy of Art—inspired him. And he gave them an insight to their culture as Tocqueville had done for the United States. He dated a lot, mainly brown skinned girls, and fell for a part Hawaiian girl of exceptional beauty; yet in the back of his mind there was always Lillian. He didn’t let the irony of settling in Hawaii and becoming involved in the native culture bother him. He was nothing like Larry.

Jason was getting by in Los Angeles. He lived on a boat in the marina, surfed, and drove a taxi to make ends meet. He was writing his book. One of the black drivers at his company, invited Jason to his predominately black church. He thought Jason was struggling to find himself and asked Jason if he’d ever heard of Dr. Solomon Green. Their preacher read from Dr. Green every Sunday. Jason attended services the next week. They sang. They danced. The minister, Barry Washington, broke through traditional Christian dogma and taught a truth that Jason understood. And he had never felt such love.

When the minister overheard Jason talking to some of his congregation about mysticism, he thought Jason was a natural teacher. Jason let Reverend Washington know that he had studied with Dr. Green, and the reverend asked Jason if he’d give a class based on Dr. Green’s books. Jason eagerly accepted, and for next few months he poured himself into his classes and the sharing of his mystical consciousness.

Then, almost a year after Jason had returned to the city, the classes he taught had grown tremendously, and people came up to him and shared how his classes had healed them. On top of that, Lillian wrote Jason to say that she had landed the female lead in a big American motion picture with a star director she admired and costars she was in awe of. Her contract included a bungalow in the Hollywood Hills for six months and a large salary. Before she knew it, she was in Los Angeles. She told Jason to wait until she got settled into her bungalow before getting together. Jason, having waited so long, thought that was ridiculous. He didn’t seem to realize that Lillian had waited just as long.

At last they met at a café on Sunset Boulevard. Jason wore a long-sleeved shirt buttoned at the neck though it was a hot day. He hadn’t told Lillian about his tattoos. When he saw her he cried. Lillian felt such a relief at seeing him, she too released her pent-up desire. They embraced for a long time, kissed each other deeply, and went from tears to laughter many times. Nobody noticed. This was Hollywood.

They talked the whole afternoon. Jason told Lillian all the things he couldn’t tell his mother. She cringed and cursed at some of the incidents, and when Jason finished his story, Lillian felt like she’d been on the voyage with him. She was curious as to why Jason didn’t answer her letter. That opened up the incident with Larry refusing mail at the post office in Papeete and brought about more cursing. Lillian didn’t show how relieved she was that Jason hadn’t read it. Jason had changed, and all she wanted now was to be with him from that moment on.

Jason and Lillian lived for six months in a fantasy relationship. She had a house in the Hollywood hills and a driver to take her to work, and Jason was “house sitting” a forty-foot sloop in Marina del Rey and giving meditation classes on Venice Beach. She wanted him to move in with her, but he wouldn’t until he could afford to. They went to parties together and someone would always corner Jason and tell him their problems. By the time the person had left, Jason had missed most of the fun and the person looked renewed. Lillian hated that. Lillian though Jason had been taken advantage of and that he was always too willing to give of himself.

The first draft of Jason’s manuscript was not well received by those Jason thought would like it. His writing professor at UCLA had recommended several editors but they all rejected it. His mother hated it—no surprise there. Reverend Washington thought it was a pack of lies. He didn’t want Jason teaching in his church anymore. Lillian was stunned; it made her cry, and it filled her with so much love that she wanted to take Jason into her arms and never let him go. It also frightened her.

The moment of truth came when Lillian’s contract was up, and she needed to return to London. If they were to have a life together Jason would have to come to London. It took all her willpower not to beg him to come. It had to be his decision. Jason knew this and didn’t know why he was afraid to take the step. Was there still ego and conditioning that assumed he had to be the breadwinner? Could he not let Lillian shine and be in her shadow? Wasn’t the point of all he went through freedom? He chose love over ego.

Lillian and Jason were married on the sand at Venice Beach under a clear sky and warm sun. David flew over from Hawaii to be the best man, and Dorothy stood with Lillian. It was bittersweet for David to see Lillian, but he had to stand up for Jason. Elizabeth was out of town lecturing and members of the meditation circle were there to celebrate the nuptials. The next day the couple flew to London and Lillian immediately called her parents with the news. Lloyd Harvey wouldn’t speak to his daughter or new son-in-law.

David felt abandoned when Lillian and Jason left. Now things were settled. There was no more dreaming that Lillian could ever be his. Now he could go back to his life in Hawaii and be true to his promise to not ever again get involved with Jason’s life. Dorothy put him up for a couple of days and he visited his parents and sisters in Costa Mesa. But California was no longer his home.

On his flight back to the Islands David read a draft of Jason’s book. Everything about it was true. He’d been there. But was the world ready to go that far beyond everyday reality? He wrote Jason that if he found an audience for the book he’d be taken on the ride of his life.

The other person Jason left a manuscript with was Dorothy Delany. She had finished her project with Elizabeth and thought Jason had a real gift. She offered to edit it and Jason turned his baby over to her.

Alex St. John was born in London on September 13^th. Elizabeth St. John couldn’t make it to England to meet her only grandchild. Lillian’s mother came, but not her father. He would not be in the same room with Jason. He had made peace with his daughter, but he couldn’t accept an American, much less a near heathen, as his son-in-law.

In the next twelve months everything changed for Jason. His mother died unexpectedly. She had informed her secretary that she would be leaving her mortal body that morning and not to disturb her. At the end of the day, the secretary found Elizabeth St. John slumped back in her chair with a smile on her face. Jason realized that she had finally made her demonstration. There was no memorial service, per her request.

Dorothy Delany came to London bringing condolences and news of Jason’s inheritance, which could only be used to further Jason’s spiritual development. She also brought contracts from major publishers competing for the right to distribute The Undiscovered Land. Jason gave that right to a British firm and that company arranged book signings and seminars all over the world. People were healed, and Venice Beach, where Jason had started a meditation circle, became a mecca. Jason’s followers began to form their own meditation circles. People wanted pictures of Jason to pray to. Dorothy, Lillian, and Jason saw that this had to be controlled or it would take them all to hell.

Jason called David and Melanie to see if they wanted to join them and figure out how to harness the energy that was being generated by Jason’s work. He caught Melanie at the perfect time. She had grown tired of showing people around Kauai and had sold her business. Her father had died in a hiking accident that summer, and she needed a change. Jason was offering her the kind of challenge she needed. David, who had promised himself at the end of the South Seas trip that he would never again be part of a St. John adventure, felt compelled to accept. He was not on a tenured track at the University of Hawaii and hated the annual employment dance—like a lottery—where the instructors all waited to see who would be rehired for the next term. David had landed a few important commissions for hotels and the government, but they were not enough to live on in high-priced Hawaii. And, this was not a typical St. John adventure; this was about showing the world what David had already witnessed. It had to be done to justify what had happened in the Hiva Isalnds. So began the first incarnation of St. John Ministries.