“This is unnecessary!” Mara said as Chase half-carried her inside her townhouse. “I’m fine! I can go back to work.”
“Like fuck you can. Go upstairs, have a shower, put on something comfortable.”
“What will you do?”
Chase unbuttoned his suit jacket, hanging it on her coat rack. “I’ll get the drinks together.”
“Coffee or booze?”
“Both.” He bent to pick up Pan, who was snuffling happily at his feet. “Shower. Now.”
Mara stripped off her suit as she went upstairs—the blazer, her silk shirt, her pants, her Coco De Mer bra, her matching thong. She turned on her shower and stepped inside. The water flayed her skin and washed away her make up.
The woman that emerged was pale, her hair stringy, her eyes ghostly with leftover mascara. She looked like Mara Temple. She reached for her make up bag and found she didn’t have the energy to bring Mara Kennedy back. Instead, she pulled on cotton underwear, stripy socks, and a huge cashmere sweater before heading downstairs.
Chase and Pan were cuddling on her couch. Two steaming mugs of coffee and two brandy glasses sat on her coffee table.
She sat beside Chase. “We’re drinking brandy?”
“Medicinal.” He leaned forward and pulled the stopper from the decanter. “I’m making yours a big one.”
Mara smiled as Pan tramped across Chase to bury her face in her lap. Mara held her puppy close and recalled Himeko waving a magazine over her face.
“Is everyone at work going to be okay?” she asked. “Everyone must have been so freaked out that I fainted.”
“More like excited out of their fucking minds. They’ll be fine. They just better be working.”
“You can go back to the office.”
“Not a chance. Here.” Chase handed her a brandy glass and tapped his against it.
“Here’s to running into exes.”
Mara took a sip. The brandy was warm and somehow nourishing.
“So, we can just sit here and day drink,” Chase said. “But for the record, that whole thing on the street was confusing.”
“What was confusing about it?”
“The bit where Derek Hardiman said he’d been looking for you for years? The bit where he said it wasn’t over. The bit where you looked like you wanted to run away and fuck him?”
“Oh. That bit.”
“Yes.”
They sipped their brandy as Mara rolled the possibilities around her mind. She and Chase had met three years ago in a little café in Collingwood. She was shaking with nerves at the idea of interviewing someone. When Chase strode in, looking like a young John F Kennedy, her stomach had dropped. She’d braced herself to be laughed at, maybe even told off. Instead, she’d come away with a new chief of staff.
Chase had established HFA, hired their employees, and found a viable way to ethically sell the houses she’d been collecting like marbles. Until him, she’d been going to auctions and outbidding property developers out of spite. Chase had introduced her to Andy and his friends in Melbourne, helping her find a social circle. He taught her how to play Texas Hold ‘Em. He snapped at people who told her to date. And whenever she walked into a party, he strode to her side and told her something funny. Chase was her friend, the first real friend she’d made as an adult.
“Chase?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you remember when I interviewed you for HFA?”
“I will never, ever forget that interview. How come?”
“You remember how I said if we were going to work together you weren’t allowed to ask about me?”
“It wasn’t my business,” Chase said, sounding exactly as he had three years go.
“Except now we’re friends. Don’t you think I’m withholding?”
Chase drummed the sides of his brandy glass. “I think there’s a good reason you don’t talk about your past.”
A heaviness settled over Mara’s limbs, and she sank back into her couch. “There is a good reason, I promise.”
“Is he a part of it?”
“Yes. And no. Derek is kind of past-adjacent.” She swallowed more brandy. “You know how I grew up near the border with my grandma?”
“I do.”
“That’s where Derek’s from. But he went to school in Wodonga. I was in year twelve when he transferred.”
“So, you were… thirteen?”
“No. It was our senior year. We were both eighteen.”
Mara could feel the memories straining at their nets. Derek in his ratty singlets, his arms already tattooed. Derek sprinting across the football field like an angel without wings. Derek’s rough hands sliding up her thighs…
“What was he like? When you met? How did you get together?”
Mara stroked Pan’s fur. “We got seated beside each other in English.”
“Hot.”
She laughed. “It was… he was…” To her surprise, her eyes crackled with tears. “Oh god, I’m so sorry.”
Chase made a sympathetic face. “We don’t have to say anymore.”
“But I want to! I want you to know at least some of it!”
“Okay, so here’s what we do.” Chase downed his brandy. “Now you.”
Mara paused. She rarely got drunk. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“Nope, but it’s the only one I’ve got.”
“Then I’ll try it.”
She poured the brandy down her throat, her insides lighting up like a supernova. Chase poured them each another finger and they threw it back together.
Chase rubbed his mouth. “I meant what I said to Mr Football. If he’s dangerous—if he did anything to upset you, we’ll go to the cops and tell them he stole… I don’t know. We’ll think of something expensive.”
Mara smiled. “He didn’t hurt me. Not on purpose. We weren’t even together for that long. Just a year.”
Chase grabbed the brandy decanter and poured an inch into his glass. He reached for hers, but Mara picked up her coffee. “Thanks, but I need to pace.”
She drank. The coffee was thick with cream and sugar, and she loved Chase even more for it. Between it and the brandy singing inside her, she felt stronger. Ready.
“I loved him,” she said in a great rush. “We loved each other. We didn’t meet right away but as soon as we did, we were together. It was so fast and so hot. I’ve never felt anything like it.”
A strange expression crossed Chase’s face. “Love at first sight?”
“I think so. It wouldn’t have happened otherwise—me and him.”
“Why not?”
“Because I was the town weirdo, and Derek was… he was the most popular guy at school.”
“Sure,” Chase said with a smile.
He thought she was being cute and self-deprecating, and why wouldn’t he? He’d never known anyone except Mara Kennedy, with her blowout and her closet full of Oscar De La Renta. Mara walked to her chestnut side table, pulling open the cupboard.
“What are you doing?” Chase asked.
“Getting evidence.”
She punched in the five-digit code to her safe and yanked open the heavy door. She rifled through photos and papers and loose bags of jewellery until she found what she was looking for.
“Here,” she said, handing the photo to Chase. “This is me and my grandma when I was fifteen.”
Chase’s eyes expanded. He looked up at her then back down at the photo. “No.”
“Yes,” Mara said grimly. “I used to cut my own hair.”
“But your…” Chase touched his right ear.
“I had them pinned when I was nineteen. And I got my teeth done. And my nose.”
“Jesus.” He brought the photo closer to his face. “I can tell it’s you. But still.”
“Big difference.”
“Such a big difference.” He clapped a hand to his mouth. “Sorry, that’s so mean.”
“It’s not. It’s just how I used to look.”
“You were still cute. Seriously, you’re pretty.”
“You don’t have to flatter me.”
“I’m not.” He squinted up at her. “You really got a nose job?”
“Just a little one. They call it the Blake Lively.”
Chase cackled.
“I didn’t show you the picture because I wanted you to feel sorry for me. I wanted you to get why me and Derek being together was a big deal.”
Chase held up the photograph. “I get that now.”
Mara locked the image back in the safe without looking at it. She didn’t like having things like that in the townhouse, but she only had three pictures of her grandmother and there was no guarantee they’d be protected anywhere else.
“So, you and Derek Hardiman met at school and fell in love… Was he a good boyfriend?”
“He was.”
“But it went bad?”
“Yeah. No. It’s hard to explain.” She sat back on the couch beside the now-snoozing Pan. “There was always this doomed feeling. We knew we weren’t going to make it.”
“Because he was an asshole?”
“No, because he was going to get drafted as soon as we graduated. Signed to a professional football team,” she explained, seeing Chase’s confusion. “He was already getting flown everywhere for clinics and practise matches and once he got drafted, he could have been living anywhere. Queensland or Western Australia. Even Melbourne is four hours from Albury.”
An ancient feeling rushed over her, like a breath from a tomb. The heart-strain of driving Derek to the train station or the airport and knowing it would be days before she saw him again.
“Did you talk about it? Him moving away?”
Mara shook her head. “When school was over, he moved to Melbourne to play for The Hammerheads, and we just kind of…”
“Fell apart?”
“Yeah.”
The story of her naked picture and Derek’s final betrayal tugged at her, but she kept the words down. She was sure if she told Chase, she’d cry. Or faint again.
Chase poured both another nip of brandy, his expression so fatherly, Mara leaned against his shoulder and hugged him. “Thanks for listening.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
Pan shook herself out and scooted into Mara’s lap. She hugged her, feeling a wild unspeakable love.
“So,” Chase said, his face flushed from the brandy. “You gave Derek Hardiman my number and he’s going to text you. What do you want to happen?”
Blood rushed to Mara’s face. She and Chase had talked about sex, but not much.
“I think… I mean… This is hard to say.”
“Hang on. I have another great idea.” Chase held up his brandy glass and drank. With a smile, Mara did the same. She hadn’t eaten much, and the alcohol was crashing into her.
“Okay,” she said. “Ready for more weirdness?”
“I live on weirdness.”
“I haven’t slept with anyone for four years.”
Chase froze.
“By choice.”
“I mean, obviously by choice, but Mara! Four years?”
“I told you it was weird!”
“Jesus.” Chase turned his brandy glass in his hands. “I know you don’t want a boyfriend, but I assumed you had a pool boy tucked away somewhere.”
“I mean, I do things.”
“Oh.” Chase looked reassured.
“To myself, I mean.”
His frown returned. “So, you’re… abstinent?”
“No. I just don’t sleep with anyone.”
“There’s a difference?”
“Yes! I’m sexual. I kissed a guy last year.”
“Ooh, who?”
“Just some guy in a bar. I liked him. It was nice.”
“So why didn’t you go home with him?”
That was the tricky question. Mara pulled her ear. “I used to be with guys, but it was always such a letdown.”
“Like they couldn’t make you come?”
Mara was glad the brandy was buffering her embarrassment. “Yeah, pretty much. I know lots of girls can’t… you know. During sex. And I never can. And it’s hard with men. They always resent you for it. And they don’t want to wear a condom. And afterward, they treat you so differently.” Mara ruffled Pan’s fur. “I didn’t mean to stop dating, but it was so awful, it happened without me trying. Then I realised I was so much happier that way.”
“So, you won’t be having make-up sex with Derek Hardiman?”
“Actually, Derek and I never had sex.”
“Really?”
“No. Not proper sex. We did all the other things.”
“Anal?”
Mara looked out of the window as Chase gasped. “You’re not serious? I was joking! That is such a badass virgin move!”
Mara squirmed. “I just wasn’t ready. I was so scared of getting pregnant.”
“Sure. You kept the beast at bay.”
She laughed. “No, Derek said he didn’t want to do it unless I did.”
“Strategy.”
Mara kept her tongue. Defending Derek would mean opening boxes that needed to stay packed, but she knew the truth. She could still see him kissing her palm, his dark eyes serious. “As long as it takes, baby. I want you to want to do it.”
Chase tapped her arm. “When you saw him, did you want to fuck him?”
Mara looked away.
He laughed. “Okay, so reading between the lines, you’ve finally met a man you’d like to fuck. And it’s Mr Football. And you haven’t so much ‘met him’ as ‘ran into him and decided you want round two.’ Or round one, really.”
Mara buried her face in Pan’s fur. “Don’t judge me!”
“I’m not. He’s hot. And he got on his knees on a filthy sidewalk for you.” Chase cast her a sidelong look. “You know he’s a whore, don’t you?”
“I do. He was like that at school.”
Chase smiled grimly.
“He didn’t cheat. I just mean he went through a few girls before …” Mara shut up. “What do you think I should do?”
“Well, what do you want? Could you have him over? Like on your turf?”
“No! That would feel like letting him inside my chest.”
“Alright, what about his place?”
She shook her head. “I don’t want it to be, like, ‘the two of us together.’ I don’t want to drink or hang out. I don’t think I even want to have a conversation.”
“So don’t.”
“Is that realistic?”
“Mara, you do know you’re talking to a gay man?”
“Hmm.” Mara’s gaze fell on her TV. “I think I need some time to digest this. Want to watch Vampire Diaries?”
“Put it on.”
“Are you sure you don’t need to get back to work?”
“Well, I’m drunk and it’s…” Chase checked his watch. “Eleven in the morning. So I think today’s a write-off. Let’s watch TV.”
Mara beamed at him. “This is why it’s so easy to be single.”
“Because you’re drunk?”
She shook her head. Chase knew what she meant, but he was too waspy to let her adore him openly. Even when he was drunk. She turned on the TV and queued up The Vampire Diaries. Chase folded his arms behind his head as the opening music played. “What’s happening in this one?”
“I think they’re having a masquerade ball.”
“Of course, they are.”
There was a loud chirrup. Chase fumbled for his phone. “Surprise, surprise.”
Mara’s heartbeat accelerated. “Derek?”
“He couldn’t even wait an hour.” Chase cleared his throat. “‘Hi Chase, this is my number. Please tell Mara she can call or text whenever she wants, and I’ll meet her anywhere. Derek Hardiman’ That’s a bit broad. What if you want to meet him on the rings of Saturn or something?”
Mara stared blankly at her TV. She’d hoped Derek’s message would make her feel certain, but her choices now felt more open-ended. Whenever she wanted. Anywhere. How was she supposed to choose? Derek had always chosen for her.
“I can feel the barely restrained sexual tension radiating through my screen,” Chase said. “If this was your phone, he’d be sending you filth.”
Mara wished Derek had sent her filth. That way she’d know that he wanted the same thing she wanted—a chance to do what they hadn’t when they were teenagers. She wasn’t scared of getting pregnant anymore. She had her IUD and enough sexual experience to know you didn’t get knocked up the second a man slid inside you. But that didn’t mean it wouldn’t be risky—taking him into her body after so long. Allowing herself to be so vulnerable with him again. Still, she didn’t know what it felt like to be with Derek. And that was a regret that had haunted her through a thousand daydreams. But how was she going to keep herself safe? To hold him away from the life she’d built without him?
Chase reached for the brandy and topped them up. “You could always go to a hotel.”
“Like get a room and tell Derek to meet me?”
“Exactly. Just give him a date and a time. Like he said, he’ll be there. He’ll skip football to be there.”
Mara thought about it. “Can I text him on your phone?”
“Sure.”
She wrote the message as fast as she could.
Meet Mara at the Sofitel at 9pm next Thursday.
“Sent it yet?” Chase asked.
“Not quite.”
“Here. Let me.”
Mara handed him his phone and Chase lowered his thumb on the screen like a gavel. “We’re away.”
The response came in seconds.
I’ll be there.