Mara woke slowly out of a dream in which she was fighting in a martial arts tournament with Pan, using foam as a special skill. The mattress beneath her was soft and for the first time in years, someone was holding her.
Him. Derek.
She touched her ear. It was tight to her skull and hurt when she pinched it. She wasn’t fighting in a paramilitary tournament, and she wasn’t dreaming. She was twenty-eight and a multi-millionaire and she’d just spent the night in her ex-boyfriend’s arms.
She didn’t have her phone, but the sky outside was light, so it had to be dawn. Rain still poured and as she snuggled into Derek’s arms, Mara felt impossibly safe. She’d slept without waking at all, which was rare for her.
Derek made a humming sound. She turned and stared at his sleeping face. His blank eyelids seemed oddly unprotected. He shifted, his upper lip twitching.
As she watched, Mara was aware of a deep thrumming in her chest. An ache that was different from her past longings. She moved close, pressing her nose to his collarbone. He made another soft noise. “Mara?”
She bit the tattooed meat of his upper arm.
Derek chuckled, his voice thick with sleep. “Good biting, Little Miss.”
She buried her face in his sheets. She felt silly, but it was the beautiful kind of silly. “Thanks.”
Derek cupped her chin, tilting her face to his. “Want Daddy to kiss you good morning?”
“Maybe….”
He pressed a soft, sweet kiss to her lips and Mara sighed.
Derek’s hand slid away. “Say it.”
“Say what?”
“Say ‘good morning, Daddy.’”
“I…”
“Just say it, baby.” His voice was hoarse. “Be a good girl and say it.”
Then the words flowed, natural as honey. “Good morning, Daddy.”
“Good girl,” he said and crushed his lips to hers.
It was like a great unlocking. They kissed as they undressed together, Mara shifting as she tugged down her underwear and pulled her t-shirt over her head. Their mouths melted, their bare legs entwining under the covers. Derek moved down her body, kissing her breasts, her stomach, the flat place above her cunt. Then he moved between her legs, the flick of his tongue making her eyes roll back. “Daddy, no.”
“Shh, baby. Let Daddy kiss your flower.”
He dove down again. His tongue felt huge and warm against the small swell of her pussy. He licked her softly, groaning and making everything vibrate. She stared along her body at his black eyes. “Daddy?”
“Yeah, keep saying it.” He ran his tongue along her and Mara’s hands failed to find purchase on his shaved head. “Daddy! More!”
“Relax, baby. Daddy’ll take care of you.”
He remembered what she liked as though he’d never stopped going down on her. His tongue flicked over her clit with light, rapid licks and she felt a pang of painful emptiness before he sank two fingers inside her.
Her eyes flew open. “Daddy!”
“That feels better, doesn’t it, princess?”
She garbled some inane response as he pumped inside her, lapping softly at her cunt. She was so close—so insanely close—and the thought that he would take her as soon as she came had her trembling. Her sounds drowned out his, her whole world narrowing to Derek’s tongue. Waves rolled across her pussy and she clutched her breasts as her orgasm hit.
He did what he always used to do—lowered his mouth to where his fingers had been, and drank her as she came, the lack of clitoral stimulation prolonging her pleasure as she whined and yelped.
He gave her five seconds of slow, soft licks before he rose, angling his hard cock to her pussy. Mara spread her legs, whimpering at the contact on her still-sensitive skin. Derek’s body loomed over hers, huge and hard. A tidal wave that never crashed. “Ready for me, Little Miss?”
“Yes, Daddy.”
With a snarl, he sank inside her, making them both moan as he stretched her body. He rode her hard and fast, extracting pulses of pleasure with every slam. Mara tried to keep her eyes open—to watch him labouring like an animal, but she couldn’t. It was too good not to sink into her body and just feel.
“More,” Derek grunted. “Give me one more before I finish, baby.”
Obediently, Mara slid a hand between her legs and played. She was so wet and slippery, she felt herself tighten around his cock. “Daddy, I’m so close.”
Derek snarled as though caught in a trap. “Good girl. Lemme feel you. Let me fucking feel you, baby.”
Mara whimpered, tightened, waited on the edge of eternity. She let go, screaming and thrashing beneath the cave of Derek’s hard body. He shoved into her while she came, his cock feeding her more stimulation until she was screaming loud enough to shatter glass. Derek froze above her, his hips jerking, dark eyes rolling in his head. He collapsed on top of her, and Mara drifted away, her pleasure billowing outward like clean white sheets.
“Fucking Jesus,” Derek muttered, pressing his face into her hair and inhaling. “Mara.”
“I know.”
They lay together for a long, hazy stretch. Mara felt the sweat cool on her body, heard Derek’s breathing even out. She didn’t move. She didn’t want to. Derek shifted and she held him close, her fingertips digging into his back.
“Baby…”
“Just a little longer.”
“I’m scared I’m gonna crush you.”
“I like it.”
Derek lowered his full weight onto her again and Mara smiled to herself. Her Daddy always gave her what she wanted. But after a few minutes, he rose on his palms. “Sorry baby, Daddy has to go now.”
He kissed her stiff cheek and pulled away. Instantly, warmth rushed down Mara’s thigh. A moment of confusion and then panic. “Oh no! Derek?”
“Mmm?” he said, already halfway to the bathroom.
“We just… you—” She sat up, pressing her fingers between her legs. “We didn’t use a condom!”
Derek’s face contorted. “Shit!”
Stupid girl. Reckless girl.
She stood, tears burning in her eyes. What Derek had left inside her ran between her fingers and onto the floor. She practically sprinted to the hallway and stumbled about for the bathroom. Inside, she swiped at herself with toilet paper as though removing the evidence of a crime. How could she have been so irresponsible? She’d never had sex with anyone without a condom.
Then it makes sense it was Derek. He’s the one who gets whatever he wants.
But that wasn’t fair. He hadn’t asked to go bare, and she was sure from his shocked expression that he hadn’t known either. What happened had happened in a wave of passion, like everything between them.
Miserable, she returned to his room. Derek was sitting on his bed. “Baby, it’s okay, I promise. I got tested last month and I always use a condom.”
She gave a hysterical little laugh. “We just didn’t use a condom!”
“I know. You’re right. Do you want to get the morning after pill?”
She shook her head, absurdly comforted by the offer.
“I mean it, we can go right now. I’d go by myself, but I don’t know if they’ll sell it to me without—”
“Derek, it’s okay. I’ve got an IUD.”
His face sagged. “Okay, great. Is everything else okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
She was too raw to deny what she was feeling. “I just… I’ve never had anyone do that. Finish inside me, I mean.”
Derek pressed a hand to his chest. “Seriously? I was first?”
She groaned. “Derek! I know you’re all excited to have marked me with your semen, but can you please just try to relate for a second?”
He stretched his brow, attempting to swallow his smile. “Keep talking, baby.”
“It’s that! Calling me baby. Me calling you… what I called you.”
He fought back another wolfish grin.
Mara sighed, looking around for her underwear. “You asked me what’s wrong and this is what’s wrong. We’re not together. I don’t want a boyfriend, but I keep crossing my own boundaries. I’m scared about what happens when I run out of boundaries to cross.”
Derek pressed his palms together and seemed to consider his next words carefully. “Baby, nothing is wrong. We’re still here and I still care about you. I don’t want to force you into anything.”
“I know! I’m the one who…”
“What?” He stood. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“I keep coming back! I can’t stay away! And I don’t know how to deal with any of this. The sex was bad enough, but now I’m coming to you for reassurance too!”
Derek’s forehead scrunched. “Thanks.”
“You know what I mean. You’re my ex, Derek. I thought you were gone forever and now we’re having unprotected sex. I can’t handle this.”
She rummaged through the bed and found her underwear, pulling it out with an upward jerk.
Derek sat back down. “Come here.”
She pulled on her underwear and approached him. Their eyes were level—he was as tall sitting as she was standing.
“Mara, did you read my letter?”
She winced. “I got it… but no.”
“Okay.” He ran his tongue across his cheek. “Well, the gist of it is, I’m gonna wait.”
“For what?”
“You.”
“But I don’t know what I want.”
“I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
“And what if it takes ages?”
“That’s my problem.”
She stared at him, not wanting to believe. “What if you meet someone else?”
“There’s no one but you.”
He said it so simply. As though it was the most obvious thing in the world. Mara cast around the room searching for holes in his plan. But ‘wait forever’ was a simple and ludicrously irrational proposal. It was hard to know where to begin. “What if I meet someone else?”
Derek’s jaw hardened. “Then I’ll wait. I’ll wait ‘til you realise no one’s ever gonna replace me.”
Panic rose in her chest. “But, Daddy—” She pressed her hand to her mouth, feeling like she’d said a disgusting slur.
“You’re allowed to call me Daddy.”
“When we’re having sex, not like this!”
“You used to call me Daddy all the time. Whenever we were alone together.”
Mara didn’t want to think about that. The last thing she needed was to get into the habit of calling Derek ‘Daddy’ again. When they were teenagers, it had been natural and kind of cute because they were too young to be parents. Now, anyone who overheard her would think she was a sicko. Especially if they knew about her past. She picked up her bra and strapped it around herself. The rest of her clothes were bundled by the bed. Her jeans felt cold and her Kenzo t-shirt smelled slightly of sweat. She pulled them on as Derek watched her. “Is this the last time I’m gonna see you for a month?”
Mara couldn’t help smiling. “Even I’m not delusional enough to think I’ll stay away that long.”
He laughed. “Good. Maybe we should have dinner? Pizza or something? We could watch your trashy TV show.”
Mara imagined the two of them doing just that—sitting on the couch, pulling apart a pizza, and laughing at Riverdale. Maybe kissing during the boring parts. Her heart turned over.
“Okay,” she said, bending to pull on her socks. “We can have pizza.”
Derek raised a fist in victory—a move she’d seen him do hundreds of times when he kicked a goal.
“It’s just pizza,” she warned. “I’m not ready to tell anyone about this. And it doesn’t mean we’re a couple.”
“Fine by me. I’m Derek Hardiman. I can’t be tied down. All the papers say so.”
“Don’t be silly.”
He responded with a wide, angel-melting smile. “Did you know I’ll always want you? That I’ll always love you? That my life has been fucking stupid without you?”
Mara turned and picked up her coat, keeping her back to him until she got her smile under control. “I believe your life has been stupid.”
“It’s a start.” Derek wandered to his bedside table. “Your phone’s vibrating.”
“Can I please have it?”
He tossed it over and she saw a message from Chase.
Sorry I’ve been an asshole. Lunch at The Hardware Club?
Relieved, Mara texted that she would love to. As the message swooshed away, she saw a text from Pan’s vet. She opened it, her heart in her mouth.
Hi Mara, Pan is much better this morning. You can come and collect her as soon as we open. Yours, Fitzroy First Veterinary Clinic.
She jumped, clapping her hands together. “Yes!”
“Good news?”
“The best news. Pan’s better. I can go get her…” Mara checked the time on the phone. “In fifteen minutes. Oh my god.”
Derek beamed at her. “That’s great.”
She looked around for her shoes. “I have to go.”
“Sure thing. Lemme get dressed and I’ll walk you out.”
As Derek collected clothes from his wardrobe, Mara saw some photos stuck to his wall. She moved toward them. The closest was of Derek and two other guys in matching football jumpers. One was very good-looking with green eyes and perfect teeth. The other had red hair and a large nose. His head was thrown back in laughter as he pointed his finger like a gun at Derek.
“Who are these guys?”
“Byron and Willow.”
He said it in the self-conscious way that meant they were his best friends. Smiling, Mara moved to the next picture. It was a faded family photo. Tiny Derek stood in front of his dad and his older brother, Paul. The two men looked so similar that only Maurice’s moustache differentiated father from son. All three boys had dirty-brown mullets; a haircut Mara had forced Derek to swear under pain of no more blowjobs to never get again.
On the other side of the photo were the girls. Derek’s older sisters, Britnee and Mikaela, were pulling faces. Derek’s mum held his baby sister, Courtney, in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Jackie Hardiman looked like Kylie Minogue with her blue eyes and 80s perm.
“Have you seen any of them lately?” she asked Derek.
“The girls and Paul last Christmas. I talked to Mum a few weeks ago.”
“Is she still in Tarrengower?”
“Yeah.”
Mara frowned. “I didn’t know you got that many years for arson?”
“Nah, she’s a dogshit prisoner on purpose. Acts up whenever she thinks she’ll get parole. She likes not having to cook or deal with us kids. I don’t think she’ll be out anytime soon. Dad’s still inside too.”
“I figured. Do you talk?”
“Nah. Easier that way.”
She nodded. Derek had a maturity about his parents that amazed her. He didn’t like talking about them, but on the rare occasion someone else brought them up, he shrugged it off like water. Meanwhile, she just lived in constant fear. Fully dressed, Derek came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. “You haven’t looked at the other photo.”
She had, but she didn’t want to examine it. It was a graduation photo—her and Derek arm-in-arm surrounded by all his friends. He’d kept it all these years. He’d more than kept it—he’d pinned it to his wall. She stared at the two of them, so young and full of hope.
“This has been here for a long time, hasn’t it?” she asked, although she already knew the answer.
“Yeah, it has.”
His voice was heavy and for the first time, she wondered what it had been like for him, not knowing where she was. She’d been free to follow his life online—check-in whenever she wanted. He’d been left behind, grasping at the air where her body had been. She’d seen it as justice, a reclamation of power, but looking at that old photo, she felt miserable.
What if she’d stayed? More than stayed—what if, when Derek hadn’t replied to her photo, she’d driven to Melbourne and confronted him the way she’d wanted to? What might have happened? Where would their lives have led? She shivered, chills racing up her spine, and she turned away from the photo.
Derek pulled her close, folding her into his chest. “It doesn’t matter.”
“What doesn’t matter?”
“The past. What happened. You’re here now. You smell amazing…” He gave her a little squeeze. “… you feel amazing. We made it back. We don’t have to focus on what happened if we don’t want to?”
Mara closed her eyes. She could feel herself opening to his words like a flower. “Please don’t be mean to me?”
She meant it as a throwaway line. A sassy jab. It came out as a plea.
They both paused, then Derek’s arms tightened around her. “Never.”
They stood there for a moment, swaying slightly until Mara cleared her throat. “I’m sorry, I should go. Pan…”
“Of course. Let’s head out.”
He held her hand as they went down the stairs. “Want a sandwich for the road?”
“No thank you. Don’t you have something football-ish to do?”
“Yeah, training.” They reached the bottom of the stairs and he pulled her against him, his erection hard against her jeans. “I could skip it if you want? Save my energy for when you come back tonight?”
Laughing, she detangled herself from him. “I think The Hammerheads would want you to reconsider.”
“The offer still stands. It’s evergreen.”
They smiled at each other, and she sensed he was about to vault forward and kiss her. She backed into the hallway, hands raised. “I should go before we make another birth control mistake.”
“I wouldn’t care if you were pregnant.”
“What a romantic sentiment.”
Derek eyed her body. “I mean it, mama. You’d look sexy with my baby in you.”
She scowled at him.
“I said I mean it!”
“I believe you! But that doesn’t mean I’m ready to co-parent a football prodigy with you!”
“I’ll be a good dad. I’ll pay child support every month, no questions asked.”
“I’m the rich one, remember? You’d be getting child support from me.”
“Yeah, how’d you get so rich exactly?”
Mara ignored him. “I’ll send you a message. About pizza and stuff.”
“Yeah, tell me how your dog is.” He gripped the front of his sweatpants. “You sure you don’t want your pussy eaten before you go?”
“No thank you.”
“Whatever. You’ll be back.”
“Probably…”
Derek put a hand behind his ear. “What was that?”
“Nothing, Daddy.”
He pressed a hand to his chest as though he’d been shot. “This is when you say it?”
“Sorry, Dadd— ah!”
He moved faster than she believed possible, swinging her into the air and kissing her. Mara closed her eyes, giving herself over to him when he released her with a sigh. “Alright, you little minx, get going. I have training.”
“I was already leaving!”
“Shh. Let’s get to your car.”
He folded his arm over hers as they walked, like a father taking his daughter down the aisle. Mara smiled as he opened her car door for her. “See you soon, baby?”
“Sure.”
He kissed her cheek. “Be good.”
“Or what?”
He gave her a stern look. “You know what.”
Mara couldn’t help it. She wrapped her arms around his tattooed neck and kissed him. When they pulled apart, he was wearing a warm, indulgent smile. “Don’t stay away too long, Little Miss.”