Let’s get this straight – I am NOT a diary person! Never have been, never will be. I’ve never worn a cardigan, never collected a stamp, never eaten salad and never had a nosebleed on the high board in a swimming pool. Okay, there was that one time, but that was only because I slipped and headbutted the safety rail. (WHY CALL IT A SAFETY RAIL WHEN IT’S OBVIOUSLY SO DANGEROUS?)
I’m more your stuntboy by day, rockstar by night kind of person. Or at least I will be when I stop being twelve years old. Until then I do what I can …
This is me, by the way –
I’m about to set a new world record for stunt-jumping. Almost. Well everybody’s got to start somewhere, right? The girl’s my six-year-old sister, ELLIE.
She’s as annoying as a homemade birthday present from your grandma.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking,
Well the truth is, I didn’t want this diary. It was given to me by a batty old lady at a funfair. I’ll tell you about that in a minute. I was going to throw the diary in the bin straight away, when I had a brilliant idea …
EVERYONE loves reading about celebrities, don’t they? Footballers, actors, pop stars – they all write about themselves and make a fortune. One day I’m going to be the most famous person on the planet. And when that happens, people are going to want to read all about me, too. This diary is my ticket to future millions! Cool, huh?
In a couple of weeks there’s a school talent show and I’ll get my very first taste of fame when I win. This diary will show future fans how I did it. I can already hear the cash tills ringing 
Now, before we get onto that, let me tell you about the batty old lady at the funfair.
The reason I was at the funfair today was to ride 
Everyone knows The Exterminator is the most terrifying ride ever created. It’s the perfect ride for a wannabe stuntboy like me. The only problem was I’d been grounded for a week for showing my sister my best wrestling move. (You’d think she’d want to learn.) Anyway, ELLIE had been bugging Mum and Dad to let her go to the funfair too and they were too busy to take her. Apparently there were loads of household chores that just had to be done – Dad was actually doing the washing for once.
So I decided to try and get back into their good books – and get myself to the funfair – by offering to take ELLIE. It worked perfectly. Before I was allowed out of the house, though, I had to listen to a whole ten minutes of DAD RULES. He’s got a rule for everything!
We eventually got to the fair but as soon as ELLIE saw The Exterminator she started moaning she didn’t like it. So I told her to wait in a spot where I could see her and promised to take her to her favourite ride in a minute.
When I finally got to the front of the queue for The Exterminator there was a sign sticking out of the ground with a red line showing how tall you had to be and
I was shorter than the line. The spotty freak in charge of the ride just looked at me and shook his head. I did my best to persuade him, but nothing worked. Then, to make matters worse, BRAD RADLEY walked past and got straight on. Brad and his mates think they’re really cool, but BRAD’s actually the meanest kid in school.
By the time I got back to ELLIE she had started to cry so I did the one thing I knew would keep her quiet and I took her to the 
ride. But the spotty freak in charge of that wouldn’t let ELLIE on by herself. Apparently adults have to ride with little kids – but he’d count me as an adult because he was nice like that …
We were going home.
But then ELLIE started to cry even harder. The only reason I’d been allowed to come to the funfair in the first place was so that ELLIE could go to 
and she couldn’t unless I went too and if I refused I knew she’d tell Mum and Dad and then I’d be grounded forever. Or at least until Tuesday. I had no choice – I got on the ride.
Just as the ride started, BRAD RADLEY spotted me. He laughed, took out his phone and snapped a picture.
I was so embarrassed I wanted to ram the unicorn’s horn through my eyeball.
I was in such a bad mood that when the ride stopped I leaped off the thing like Batman and marched ELLIE towards the exit. We were about to leave when the batty old lady I mentioned before popped out of her tent and stood in our way. She looked like she was over a hundred years old. She said,
I felt like telling her I already know my future, Grandma – getting ripped at school tomorrow for riding on a unicorn with my kid sister!
Before I could say anything, ELLIE and the old lady were inside the tent. I wanted to leave her there, but then I couldn’t really leave my kid sister alone with a stranger, and believe me, they didn’t come stranger than this lady. I followed them inside.
The old lady asked me if I was enjoying the funfair.
‘NO,’ I said. ‘In fact, it shouldn’t be called a funfair at all. It should be called an un-funfair.’ And then for some reason I told her what had happened. ‘I really wish I could change a few things,’ I said as I finished.
She nodded and smiled in that way old ladies do. Then she gave me this diary and said,
How’s a diary going to help me get what I want? Doesn’t she know that diaries are for dweebs and losers? I am neither, thank you very much! I needed to get out of there before the batty old bat could give me something else I didn’t need, like a chocolate teapot or a lifetime’s supply of beard shavings. I snatched the diary, said thank you – even though I didn’t mean it – and yanked ELLIE out of the tent.
As we hurried home, all I could think about was how BRAD RADLEY and his stupid camera phone were going to ruin my life before it had even started.