I AM NOT A GENIUS.
As soon as I got downstairs this morning I knew something was wrong. My little sister was smiling at me as if I was in trouble. Her smile was so big I knew I must be in the biggest trouble ever.
BUT I COULDN’T BE COULD I? This diary should have fixed everything right? No one should remember what I got up to yesterday. I changed it all. So maybe I was in trouble for something completely different that I didn’t even know I’d done yet. That’s what parents are like. Sometimes you never find out what they’re really angry about.
I decided to pretend that I hadn’t noticed ELLIE’s ‘so big I’m going to eat my face’ grin. Instead I flashed my own big smile at Mum and said, ‘Good morning.’
Mum stared at me like I’d just used her wedding dress to clean the car and Dad grunted from behind the paper. ELLIE’s smile got even bigger, which I didn’t think was possible. Seriously, it was like she was about to grin her own ears off or something.
Mum looked at me and started to list everything I did wrong yesterday. That was when I started to get very worried. She hadn’t forgotten a thing, and when she said it out loud like that it sounded BAD.
I poured myself a massive bowl of Keep Fit cereal and tried to change the subject.
I asked Dad about ‘Kids Say the Sweetest Things’. He just grunted and turned the page. I really was in big trouble this time. I knew it right down to my spotty Spider-Man underpants.
Mum said she and Dad were going to have a chat about my behaviour after breakfast and then they’d decide on a ‘suitable course of action’. Which everyone knows is Mum-speak for ‘catapulted into space’, or grounded at the very least.
Breakfast over, I ran out of the door and off to school. But it was only as I was turning into the school gates that I realised that if Mum and Dad hadn’t forgotten what I did yesterday then nobody at school would have forgotten either. Suddenly I wanted to be whisked off to 
and live there forever – anything was better than walking through those gates!
Sure enough, when I got to school Mr Finch was waiting for me at the door. He took me straight to his office and made me apologise for everything. I had to go and see the dinner ladies and Mr Burchester and Mrs Houstoun to apologise. By the time I’d said ‘I’m sorry’ to each of them in turn I was starting to think my name was SORRY SPENCER.
And all this was before the day had even properly started! Mr Finch also handed me a list of punishments that I had to do at break time and lunchtime. BRILLIANT. I spent the whole of first class trying to be quieter than a human mouse to avoid getting into any more trouble.
And I spent first break scrubbing writing off the toilet wall. It was so unfair. I didn’t even get to make my own mark first! Normally JOSH would have helped me, but of course he hadn’t forgotten how mean I’d been to him yesterday. When he saw me carrying the bucket and sponge down the corridor he just looked at me and mouthed the words in my direction.
Thanks, JOSH.
BRAD was far too cool to be seen washing toilet walls, which is fair enough I guess. He did invite me onto his table at lunch to make up for it but I was too busy picking up litter and sorting out the lost property pile. There’s something about sorting through cheesy clothes that puts you right off your food …
By the time the bell rang at the end of the day, FINCREDIBLE FIN was a distant memory. Now I was a total loser.
Only BRAD seemed to think what I did yesterday was cool. I mean, even though he didn’t help me with any of my punishments or anything, it was nice of him to say that and not rub my nose in it like JOSH did. It didn’t really make me feel any better though. I mean, even I thought that all those things I did yesterday made me a total loser. I’d never, ever have done them if I had thought anyone was going to remember.
I’m glad it’s almost the weekend. Maybe when I go back to school on Monday everyone will have forgotten.
I walked home on my own. When I got back ELLIE was still smiling, which meant I was still in trouble. Mum and Dad had decided to round off the perfect day by grounding me for THE WHOLE WEEKEND. At first I was angry, but then I remembered that nobody wanted to hang out with me anyway, so what did it matter?
I don’t understand. I thought this diary would fix everything but it hasn’t! It’s made everything worse. I can’t believe I thought I had a magic diary in the first place. I am a loser. I’m a loser for believing in magic diaries and listening to batty old ladies at funfairs. Whatever strange things have happened over the last couple of days must just be weird coincidences. I should have known. Fincredible things don’t happen to a boy like me.
Anyway, all of this magic diary business has been very distracting but at least if I’m grounded I’ll have lots of time to practise my stunt-jumping for the talent show next Friday. If I want to win the phone I need to be good. I hope JOSH is practising his guitar playing too. I don’t want him letting me down. I’m going into the garden to practise a few stunt jumps right now …
Well, that was a bad idea. When I got into the garden I made a ramp out of a bit of the fence that had fallen down and decided to start small by jumping over the flowerbeds. BIG MISTAKE. Turns out I need just a bit more practice.
When Mum saw that I’d skidded all over her flowers she locked my bike in the shed. PERFECT. How am I supposed to become a stuntboy if I don’t even have a bike?
My life can’t get any worse. Everyone at school thinks I’m a loser, Mum and Dad have grounded me, I’ll never win the talent show and I’ll probably never taste another bowl of Coco Snaps in my life! STUPID DIARY! Why did I ever start writing it in the first place? Look what trouble it’s got me into! I told you I wasn’t a diary person. Why didn’t I listen? I could write anything and it wouldn’t matter. Watch, here goes:
I wish my dad would turn bright green, my mum’s hair would fall out and my sister would become a poodle. Oh, and GIVE ME BACK MY BIKE!