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GERTIE SAT ON THE BLANKET and stared at Gill, who was sitting on the ground with his hands cuffed behind him. She’d spent the past ten minutes not saying a word, just staring at him. Her request to him was simple. “Confess what you did wrong. And you know what that is.” That was all she’d said. Then she sat back and stared at him. Usually it got a subject talking.
She never learned it in spy training, but rather it was something her Granny Magoo used to do when she was little, minus the handcuffs. Her granny would say, ‘Confess’ and then give her grandkids the silent treatment, staring at them with a look of disappointment. Gertie would find herself admitting to all sorts of things.
So far, the things Gill was admitting to amounted to small potatoes. Like stealing pens from his office. “You can’t find those kinds at the stationery stores. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but they fit my hand just so.” Then he graduated to his affair with Bonnie, admitting that they’d slept together numerous times. “What kind of girl does that before marriage?”
You’re looking at one was what she wanted to respond but refrained from doing so. Now was not the time to recount her love life after joining the Army.
Now his confessions approached more recent times.
“I admit I wasn’t really looking for possum droppings the night I saw you in the woods. I was looking for the baseball cap my Aunt Dolly asked me to search for. The one belonging to my uncle.”
“Go on,” Gertie said.
“I was afraid to tell you about it because you were looking for the killer’s baseball cap and I thought you’d think they were the same caps.”
“I think there’s something you’re leaving out,” Gertie said.
“Okay,” Gill cried out. “I confess! After I left the woods, I went to Bonnie’s house. Now, don’t get jealous. I’ve held a candle for Bonnie ever since we broke up five years ago. But after meeting you at dinner and then in the woods, I knew that you were now my light, so I went to Bonnie’s house to tell her I was officially over her.”
Gill chewed on his lips as he recounted what had happened next. “Wouldn’t you know it, but she answered the door in her pink nightie. Said she was planning on turning in early. You know how men are. I couldn’t resist her. I ended up retiring to her bed with her for about an hour. I was so ashamed of myself for giving in to my very natural male response. You have to believe me. I told her right then that she was a tramp and I realized it was you I really wanted. Someone pure.” He frowned. “Do you know what she did? She threw my pants at me, ordered me to put them on and leave. Didn’t even give me my underwear and shirt. Once out the door she threw me my shoes, without socks I might add, and said she never wanted to see me again. Which is fine with me because I’m totally free to be yours. If you’ll take me.”
He looked at her with a puppy dog look to his pathetic face.
Gertie crossed her arms. “I don’t give a rat’s behind who you sleep with as long as it isn’t me. And how dare you call Bonnie a tramp when you did the very same thing.” He started to speak but she shushed him. “I want to go back to that cap. You’re lying to me about it. That was your cap. The one you dropped in the woods after killing Mr. Guillory. Why did you do it, Gill? Why did you kill him?”
His eyes grew large. “That’s what this is about? I didn’t kill anyone. I swear!”
Gertie got up and strolled over to him. Knelt beside him. “You know what? I see a huge anthill a few yards from us. Do you think you could remember better if I dragged you on top of it?”
He screamed. “Help! I swear to you, I didn’t do it.”
She stared at him, then looked over at the anthill, then back at him.
“He’s right.”
Gertie looked up at the sound of Ida Belle’s voice and saw her and Marge walking up the path toward them.
“He didn’t kill Mr. Guillory. It was Dolly Harkins and Paul Corbett,” Marge said.
“What?” Gill cried out.
“That’s impossible,” Gertie said. “Of course he did.”
Ida Belle shook her head. “He didn’t know anything about it. Miss Dolly said she sent him looking for the baseball cap and told him it was her brother’s. Then she confessed to helping Paul Corbett shoot Guillory with the nail gun.”
“My Aunt Dolly shot Wade Guillory?” Gill’s jaw hung open.
“Then why did Gill try to kill me?” Gertie asked.
Gill swung his gaze over to Gertie. “Kill you? I didn’t try to kill you! You tried to kill me. You said some gal named Eloise was going to help you!”
“You most certainly did try to kill me.” Gertie scanned the area and spotted the garrote lying in the grass. “You came up behind me with that wire. You were going to strangle me.”
Gertie pointed to it sparkling in the sun. Marge walked over and picked it up. “This?” she asked, holding up a silver chain with a silver heart dangling from it. She cracked a smile as she read the inscription. “Be my girl.”
“I was going to place it around your neck,” Gill said. “With a kiss. And a proposal. It was in lieu of an engagement ring which I ordered from the Montgomery Ward catalog.”
Gertie glanced at Ida Belle and Marge, who were giving one another looks and trying not to laugh.
“Not funny,” Gertie said to them.
“Kinda is,” Marge said back.
Gertie pulled the key from her pocket and unlocked the handcuffs. “For the record, I would never have dragged you over to the anthill.”
“Yeah, she’s deathly afraid of ants.”
“Shut up, Marge,” Gertie said, firing a warning look at her. She tried to help Gill up, but he shooed her away.
“You’re insane,” he said. He went over to Marge and grabbed the necklace from her. Looked back at Gertie. “I should file an assault charge on you.”
Gertie rolled her eyes. “Does Mother know you slept with Bonnie the other night?”
Gill pursed his lips. “But I won’t report you.” He grabbed the ice chest.
“I thought not.” Gertie gathered the blanket and followed the others as they trudged back to the road.
Once they arrived at the turnout, Gill stormed to his car.
“Can I ask you a question?” Gertie asked.
“No, the dinner with our families is off,” he said, but then his face took on a pathetic, hopeful look. “Unless you’re ready to take back all those horrible things you did and said to me and agree to be my wife.”
“No. Did you really have the dog hair analyzed?”
He lifted his chin in the air. “Yes, Gertie, I did. That’s the kind of honorable man I am.” He got in his car and slammed the door behind him.
Gertie waved as he took off down the road. “I can feel you laughing, Marge.” Gertie turned around and saw Marge’s lip quivering, then felt her own lip quiver. “What the hell, it was funny, wasn’t it?”
The three leaned against the Wienermobile and howled as Gertie recounted Gill’s story of sleeping with Bonnie, then howled again when Marge recounted her interrogation in the Wienermobile and how Walter had stopped them. Gertie noticed Ida Belle stop laughing at the mention of Walter’s name. She reached over and squeezed her friend’s shoulder.
Their mission over for the day, Ida Belle pulled down the ladder to enter the cabin of the Wienermobile. A Mustang convertible zoomed past then screeched to a stop, backed up and pulled off the road in front of the giant hot-dog-on-wheels. It was Louanne and her prisoner, Gabby.
“We’re having a baby!” Gabby cried out.
“Marie’s in labor!” Louanne shouted. “We’re heading over to the hospital.”
Ida Belle hopped on the ladder. “We’ll be right behind you.”
“We solved the murder!” Gertie said, pumping her fist.
“Of course you did,” Louanne said, grinning. “You’re my girls.”