Chapter Ten

All through the next day at school, disappointing thoughts of yesterday swirled through my mind.

You’re not good enough.

A cloud of depression seemed to settle over me. If I wasn’t a good android, then what was my purpose? My purpose, my only purpose, had been this mission and as I looked around at my classmates, I began to envy them. They had more of a purpose than I did. They had homes, families, friends, lives. I had nothing.

“You okay, Drew?” Jessica asked at lunch. “You seem a little down today.”

I shrugged. “I’m fine.”

She gave me a concerned look, but went back to eating. I looked around the cafeteria and watched my fellow students mingling, talking and laughing. They seemed carefree and happy. All of a sudden I felt sad, an emotion I had rarely experienced. Then a realization dawned on me. This was the first time I had ever been envious of humans. This was the first time I’d found myself wishing I wasn’t mechanical. Wishing I wasn’t stuck inside a metal shell meaning nothing to anyone, but at the same time burdened with others’ expectations of me and trying in vain to fulfill them.

I straightened up, frowning in shock. What was wrong with me? I was an android. A perfect android. I wasn’t supposed to be feeling these things. I had never felt sad before, or angry, upset or shocked, let alone, wished to be human. I felt strange. I felt the old Drew stripping away and no longer knew whom I was. I shook my head, as if shaking it hard enough would bring back the logic that used to guide me.

“Drew?” I heard Jessica’s voice and instantly stopped shaking my head, knowing how ridiculous I must have looked. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I said with a laugh, hoping they would laugh too. “I have a headache.”

“Well, don’t shake your head, that’ll make it worse,” Caroline said from across the table.

I nodded and started eating my lunch.

After school, as I was standing in the parking lot waiting for the van, I looked around at all the kids waiting for rides. I saw them talking with their parents. I saw some getting in the car without saying a word while others smiled and laughed, and I couldn’t help feeling that twinge of desire I had felt earlier in the day. These kids had families to go home to while I had the cold, blank Institution. Something inside of me ached for the family that other children had and that I lacked. I envisioned the average family in my mind—the talks, the trips, the unity. All I had ever had were the creators, and my early memories were vague at best.

No, Drew, you can’t talk like this, I told myself. But I didn’t seem to be really listening because that feeling didn’t go away, that desire and longing for more, and the emptiness I felt when thinking about my existence.

I turned away and looked at the road, searching for the van. Just then, I noticed Jessica making her way across the parking lot toward Michael’s car. A thought fluttered through my mind along with a burning desire and without thinking twice, I reacted on it.

“Jessica!” I called. She smiled and made her way over to me. “Could I stay at your house tonight?” I asked, ignoring the part of me that was screaming for me to stop, to regain control, to remain logical. I knew it was probably rude to ask something like that, but the thought of going to the Institution made me almost cringe. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. This was completely irrational, but I knew that if I wasn’t a good enough android for them, I didn’t want to stay where I wasn’t valued.

Jessica beamed. “Sure, that would be fun. I’m sure my parents would be fine with it. Hold on a sec while I call them.”

I sighed in relief. “Thanks.”

Jessica pulled out her phone and walked to a quieter part of the parking lot. She came back a minute later wearing a grin. “They said it's okay.”

Just then I noticed the van pulling up. “I’ll be right back,” I told her, and hurried towards it. The driver, David, greeted me when I opened the door. “I’m going to spend the night at Jessica’s.”

David swiveled around in his seat to stare at me behind his dark sunglasses. “What?”

“Strictly for observation purposes,” I told him and he seemed less surprised.

“Um ... okay,” he said slowly. “Does Glen know about this?”

I shook my head. “No, but you can tell him.”

“Remember Drew, you’re not like them,” David began, but I waved goodbye to him and started to walk away. He didn’t jump out of the car and come after me, so I saw that as a good sign.

I met up with Jessica at Michael’s car and we all climbed in. “Drew’s spending the night,” Jessica explained when Michael gave us a curious look.

“Cool,” he replied in an even voice, but Jessica stared at him strangely. We drove for about ten minutes before reaching the Walter’s house.

“Oh, my mom wanted to know if you’d like spaghetti or hamburgers for dinner,” Jessica asked me as she climbed out of the car. “I forgot to ask.”

I shrugged, deciding that either one would be fine considering I didn’t think much of food. “Whatever’s easier for her,” I replied.

Jessica laughed. “Okay, well I prefer hamburgers so if that’s okay with you, that’s what I’ll request.”

Michael opened the front door and stood aside, allowing Jessica and I to enter first. I couldn’t help but notice Jessica’s shocked and almost appalled reaction to her brother’s chivalry, but her expression dissipated when her mom met us in the entryway.

“Hi Drew,” she said to me with a smile. She held a phone to her ear, her hand currently covering half of it.

“Hello, Ms. Walter,” I replied.

“Did you girls decide what you wanted for dinner?”

“Hamburgers,” Jessica replied.

Her mom nodded in return. “Okay. You girls have a good time,” she said, going back to her conversation.

“Sure, Mom,” Jessica answered. We headed upstairs to Jessica’s room and I tossed my bag on her pink-blanketed bed. She popped a DVD into her laptop and leaned back against the pillows. She patted the bed beside her and I sat down, folding my legs up and getting comfortable.

“So, do you like anyone?” she asked me.

She acted completely at ease, as though this was proper sleepover procedure, but her question was lost on me. I looked at her. “Like?”

“Yeah,” she smiled. “Come on, new school, new kids. There’s gotta be someone.” Her expression was eager, ready to hear some good details that I didn’t have.

“Well, I think everyone is nice. I haven’t met anyone I dislike,” I told her, still confused.

She shook her head, laughing quietly. “No Drew, I mean like like.”

I stared blankly back at her.

“Crush?” she tried again, her eager expression fading and a concerned one taking its place.

Oh. “Um ... I haven’t exactly been looking,” I told her truthfully.

She laughed again, seeming to find my reaction hilarious. “Okay, okay.”

The rest of the evening consisted of dinner then the remainder of the movie, which we barely watched due to Jessica filling me in on school gossip and crushes. Finally, in the early hours of the morning, Jessica deemed it late enough to go to sleep. She let me have her bed while she snuggled up with blankets on the floor.

Jessica’s voice floated through the darkness toward me. “We’re going to have to find you someone to like,” she said matter-of-factly.

I smiled to myself. “Okay,” I replied, just for the sake of making her satisfied.

In a little while, I heard Jessica’s breathing slowing and I could tell she was asleep.

I, being an android, didn’t need much sleep. Only about an hour a night, our recharge time, but I could even go a few days without any if I had to.

But with nothing else to do anyway, I decided I might as well go to sleep, too. I didn’t want to lay awake all night staring at the darkened ceiling.

I rolled over, closed my eyes and fell asleep. It was that easy. Like turning a switch.

* * * *

“Do you have an outfit you can wear?” Jessica questioned me as she was sifting through her closet. She had asked me to spend the night once again, suggesting that I go to church with her on Sunday. I had agreed, not eager at all to go back to the Institution. I'd called Glen and told him of my plans rather than asking him for permission. I felt somewhat unhappy, thinking that he might be angry when I returned, considering the fact that I had basically hung up on him. But, I was acting on impulse, and although it went against everything I had ever learned at the Institution, it felt good. Like breaking the rules and eagerly awaiting your punishment, just to say you did it.

“I’m not sure. Fancy?” I asked.

She gestured toward her wardrobe. “Somewhat fancy. You can borrow something of mine if you want.” She pulled out a blue knee-length skirt. “That black shirt you packed should go fine with this,” she said, handing it to me.

I thanked her and headed into the bathroom to change. When I came back, I found Jessica in a white skirt and pink shirt, adjusting her hair in the mirror. “That skirt looks really cute on you,” she commented. “It never hung right on me. I guess it’s meant for people with long legs.” She playfully stuck her tongue out at me and I laughed.

Jessica’s parents and Michael met us downstairs and together, we walked out to the car. Jessica sat up front with her parents. Michael and I crammed into the back.

“Good morning,” Michael said to us, although he was looking at me. By now Jessica was just irritated with the way he was acting toward me and breezed right by him with an annoyed glance.

We rode for about ten minutes then pulled up in front of a tall, white building. Inside the church were pews, and I followed Jessica’s family as they walked up the center aisle and sat down. Stained glass windows covered the walls, reflecting different arrays of colored light and shapes. Paintings lined the walls, but I didn't recognize the people in them.

During the service, I watched Jessica’s family intently. They gazed attentively during the sermon and I saw them sing along with many of the songs. Everyone around us seemed to have the same fascination and wore smiles on their faces. They looked peaceful. Oddly, I felt happy as well, although I had no idea why.

As we exited the church afterward, I noticed many kids from school had also attended. Upon seeing us, some headed our way.

“A lot of kids from school go here,” Jessica explained when I looked their way in confusion. A growing crowd of people were milling around, talking to each other as the kids from school approached us.

“Hey, Jessica. Hi, Drew.”

“Hi guys,” Jessica answered then asked about a student who hadn’t attended. I didn’t contribute much to the conversation but was glad to be included anyway. I was still marveling at all of the people. They were so happy. They had something—something that set them apart from others. Jessica and other kids at school seemed to have something ... different. But no matter how hard I had tried to imitate them, I could never manage it. I couldn’t figure out where their contentment had come from.

Now I knew. Their happiness, their composure, their smiles came from the joy they found here. They had something I somehow could never grasp, but now I knew what it was.

They had faith. Like the kind Jessica had explained to me earlier. They had blind faith in something they couldn’t see; the faith I had criticized. They believed in something. I still wasn’t sure whether it existed or not, but they believed in it and that seemed to be enough.

Suddenly, I was shocked to realize that I wanted it as well. I wanted to feel the same way they did and to have that light that seemed to radiate from them. I wanted to find what they so openly held. I wanted something greater than me, greater than the creators, to believe in. And I knew I would search until I found it.