KATE’S TO-DO LIST for the day was simple. Drive to the bookstore. Let Jacob into the shop. Go to church as the service was ending. Ask Lynn to take the girls for an hour. Follow Ruth and Rachel back to their house. Tell them the prodigal son was back.
In the rearview mirror, she caught a glimpse of the green Volvo trailing her and fought the huge swell of emotion at seeing him sitting stiffly behind the wheel. Don’t think about his reaction, she warned herself. Concentrate on the list. The worst thing you can do is feel sorry for the man who just ripped your life apart.
The man you slept with. The man who touched you, emotionally and physically, as no other man has done before.
Don’t think about it.
Better to be the biblical brother, angry and upset at the return of the wayward child.
A little too fast, she drove into a parking space in front of Steele Books. She threw open the car door and climbed out. Looking down, she noticed the gray pinstriped slacks, baby-pink wool sweater and black blazer she’d put on this morning; she didn’t even remember dressing. As she made her way to the front entrance, the Volvo pulled in behind her Jeep. At the shop door, she saw in her peripheral vision that Jay didn’t exit his car immediately. Head bent, he gripped the steering wheel. It was clearly hurting him to come here for the first time in so long.
Just as it had probably hurt him to enter the farmhouse...walk into his old room...see his trophies and things.
Kate leaned her forehead against the door. And she hadn’t even known. He’d been dealing with his emotions for more than two weeks and he’d kept it from her.
What’s your best trait? she’d asked him.
I’m shrewd.
“Are you all right?” His voice was hoarse from behind her, where he stood close. But he didn’t touch her. Thank God.
Straightening, she fit the key into the lock. “I’m fine.”
The door swung open. On the threshold, she glanced around, refusing to acknowledge the sense of loss she felt when she stepped into the store that would never be hers now. The evidence of her efforts over the past several years mocked her: the wallpaper she’d put up herself, the desk and shelves she’d painted with loving care, the café area she’d designed and furnished. All so he could sell it to Anderson Books. Best to keep that fact in her mind, instead of feeling sorry for him.
“You don’t have a security alarm?” he asked from outside.
She shook her head and stepped into the shop. Its familiar scent—the smell of new and old books, the faint aroma of coffee—made her stomach clench today. “No. It’ll be one of the changes made, I’m sure.”
Frowning, he followed her inside and surveyed the area. “It looks so different.”
“A lot can change in fifteen years.”
Casually, he crossed to the café area and ran his hand over the smooth surface of one of the tables, then slowly moved to the coffee server. His gaze rested on the wall above it, and he didn’t move.
“What is it?” she asked.
For long moments, he didn’t answer. Finally, he said, “The painting in the middle. It’s...it’s the Sycamore River and a tree where I used to play.” He hesitated. “I jumped off that very limb a million times. I’d recognize it anywhere.” His hands fisted, but he concealed them in the pockets of his sport coat and just stared at the painting. Then he bent over and read the signature. “Lily Bennett.”
“Did you know her?”
“Yes, and her mother and...father.” His reference to Julian Bennett, the revered town doctor, sounded chilly and resentful.
“You don’t like him?”
Jay shot her a quick glance. His eyes were bleak. “He...I…” He turned back to the painting. “I liked his daughter. She was one of the River Rats. I remember the summer she fell off that limb and broke her ankle. Our parents forbade us to go back, but we snuck out there, anyway. Lily, too, riding on the handlebars of someone’s bike.” He faced Kate. “Is she still living in town?”
Kate didn’t know what to say. Lily Bennett Holden was now Lily Mazerik. She’d married the half brother Jay didn’t even know he had. He was going to be stunned by the revelation.
Not your problem, Kate. On her Things to Block Out list, she mentally underlined, Don’t feel sorry for this guy. “Um, yes, she’s living in town. She moved away, got married, but was widowed and came back to Riverbend this past year.” Hesitating, Kate added, “She just got remarried.”
Jay studied the painting.
“I’m going to the church,” she said.
At that, he whirled around. He looked as if someone had gouged grooves of pain in his forehead and around his mouth. “All right.”
She reached for the door but couldn’t keep from glancing over her shoulder. “Will you be okay here?”
He dug his hands deeper into his pockets and shook his head. “You’re something else, you know that?”
Her failure list came to mind. Had he ever really wanted her, or was it all part of the ploy? “Yeah, sure.” She battled back the hurt and left Jacob Steele alone with his ghosts.
o0o
RACHEL STRUGGLED for breath as she bustled into the front parlor ahead of Ruth and Katie. Something is dreadfully wrong, she thought as she removed her light wool wrap and hung it up on the coat tree. The girl had missed church, which was rare, only to show up as everyone was leaving and ask Lynn and Tom to take the twins for an hour. Then she’d told Rachel and her sister that she needed to talk to them privately. Even Ruth was worried; she’d asked Katie point-blank if something was wrong, but Kate had said no, that it was a good surprise. Ruth had sent Rachel a there’s-a-problem look. Rachel had nodded in agreement.
Now, inside the house, Rachel switched on the small Tiffany lamp she’d bought in Chicago, brightening up the early-afternoon gloom, then went to stand next to Ruth. Neither asked if Kate wanted coffee. Sliding her hand into Rachel’s, Ruth faced Kate. “All right. What’s happened?”
“Will you sit down?” Kate’s voice was raw, her pretty hazel eyes filled with concern. For some reason she looked...torn.
“No,” Rachel said. “We prefer to stand.”
“Out with it, Katie girl.”
Kate smiled. Rachel remembered that was Abraham’s name for her. “I have some good news for both of you.”
“You look like you’re going to the guillotine, dear,” Rachel tried to joke. “Are you sure it’s good news?”
“It is.” She cleared her throat. “It is.”
Rachel’s pulse began to race. “Just tell us, dear.”
With a phony smile like the one she donned for Hope and Hannah’s sake when Billy hadn’t shown up, Kate said, “Your nephew Jacob is back in town.”
Ruth’s free hand clapped up over her heart. Rachel felt the blood rush to her head and blinked rapidly. Both women stared at Kate. Rachel recovered first. “Jacob’s back? Here? In Riverbend?”
The smile slipped a bit. “Yes, isn’t that wonderful?”
Feeling Ruth’s hand tighten, Rachel spared her sister’s face a glance. It was stark white. “Come, sit down Ruthie.” Carefully, Rachel led Ruth to the divan. Hands still clasped, they sank down onto the firm cushions. “Wh-where? H-how?” Rachel flushed at her stuttering.
Stiffly, Kate knelt and took each of their free hands in hers. Her fingers were icy, like the river in January. “Jay...Jacob came back to Riverbend at the beginning of November. He’s been staying out at the farmhouse. He’s the man who saved the twins’ lives.”
Ruth drew back. “I don’t understand.” Her voice was old and raw. And a little piqued. “He’s been back for two weeks and you didn’t tell us?”
“I, um, I didn’t know who he was, Ruth.” The girl blushed. “He didn’t tell me his real identity until this morning.”
“Why?” Rachel asked. Alarm tingled along her spine.
Again, Kate faked a smile. “He’ll have to explain that. I just wanted to break the news to you that he’s here. He was afraid it would shock you too much if he just showed up on your doorstep.”
“Where is he?” Ruth asked.
“He’s waiting in the bookstore.”
“Next door?” Ruth’s voice was incredulous. “Jacob’s right next door?”
Kate’s lips trembled. Throwing her shoulders back, she straightened. “Yes. I’ll bring him over.” She smiled down at the women. “Can I get you something first? Some tea? You both look a little pale.”
Rachel said, “No…”
Ruth finished for her, “Go get our boy.”
o0o
HER FACE WAS WHTTE and her shoulders slumped as she walked into the bookstore. Jay battled back the urge to go to her and hold her close; he wanted, ludicrously, to make everything all right.
Now that’s what they call irony, Lawrence.
“They didn’t take it well?” His voice was gritty, like a smoker’s.
As she watched him, he prepared himself for the knife she should rightfully twist in his heart. His aunts weren’t the only ones he’d hurt by his disappearance and his return. “Actually, they’re all right. A little shaken.” She smiled. “They just want to see you.”
Terror shot through him. He’d bought and sold companies, fired high-level executives and risked fortunes on the stock market, all without a trace of anxiety. Now stark fear gripped him with strong talons. He sought out Kate’s eyes to steady himself. “Would you...I know I have no right to...would you come over with me?”
Her eyes told him he’d asked for too much. He felt the sting of his own selfishness. No longer was thinking only of himself acceptable. She mattered, too.
“Yes.” She sighed. “Ruth and Rachel may need me.”
I need you. No, no, that couldn’t be. He had no right to need her. Didn’t want the right. But an image of her beneath him, stroking his back after they’d made love, giving him a sense of peace he hadn’t known in fifteen years, made a liar of him.
“Jay?” She was poised at the entrance. “Are you coming?”
He shook off the memory. “I’m ready.”
She preceded him out of the bookstore and walked over to the house next door, never once looking back. Since she was first through his aunts’ door, she blocked his view. Once he was inside, she stepped away.
And there they were. Like two jewels nestled in a bed of green satin, framed by ornate wood tables and an oak archway, they sat on the couch, shoulders touching, hands clasped. He remembered that tableau—when he’d been hurt on the basketball court, after they’d fought with his father. He’d also seen Hope and Hannah do the same thing.
No one moved. He just stared at them. After a long moment, he felt Kate’s hand on his arm; it drew him from immobility as well as shamed him that she could be so generous. Still, he leaned into her for strength and cleared his throat. “Hello, Aunt Ruth. Aunt Rachel.”
Their gazes locked on him unwaveringly as they rose slowly, warily. He shrugged like a little boy caught in some mischievous act. Then he felt Kate nudge him forward. Unsure of his welcome, he crossed to the two women who had once been a major part of his life. When he reached them, they craned their necks to look up at him. They’d gotten smaller. Older. “I don’t know what to say,” he whispered.
Tears appeared in Ruth’s eyes, their clear brown a little duller than when he’d last seen them, but still lively. Then his aunts opened their arms and he stepped into their hug.
They smelled the same, like the lavender water that used to sit on their bureau. They felt frail though, underscoring just how many years he’d missed.
“I’m so sorry,” he murmured against the smooth skin of Rachel’s cheek.
They held on tight. Said nothing.
Until Rachel drew back.
Ruth disentangled herself, too. “’Sorry’ doesn’t cut it in this household, young man.”
The corners of his mouth turned up. It was what they’d always told him when he did something wrong. “I know,” he admitted. “It’s important to make up for what I did.” He searched his aunts’ expressions, stunned, and monumentally humbled, by the unconditional love on their faces. “Is it possible to do that?” He cleared his throat. “To make up for leaving?”
They both smiled. “Of course it is, dear.” Rachel reached up and brushed his face with her fingers. Only then did he realize his cheeks were wet.
“Now, sit down, I’ll make some tea and we’ll talk.” She stepped aside. “Katie, would you—” Rachel stopped midsentence.
Jay looked behind him.
Kate was gone.
o0o
“AREN’T YOU COMING to bed?” Lynn stood in the doorway of her kitchen in a soft green robe that highlighted the emerald flecks in her eyes. She glanced at the clock. “It’s almost eleven.”
Kate smiled at her friend’s solicitousness. “In a bit. I want to finish reading the classified ads.”
Lynn walked into the room to look over Kate’s shoulder. “I thought you found a couple of apartments. Over on Third Street, off West Hickory, where you used to live.”
Kate sipped her decaf and ordered herself not to shudder as she pictured the cracked shingles, peeling paint and filmy windows of the duplex where she’d grown up. Evie Mazerik, Aaron’s mother and Jay’s cousin, lived in the neighborhood, too, a few houses down. “I have. I’m going to check them out tomorrow.” She tapped her pencil on the newspaper. “Looks like I’ve come full circle.” She stared at the newsprint. “I have nothing to show for the twelve years since I left there.”
Settling into a chair opposite her, Lynn grasped her hand. “You have the girls. You have friends who adore you.” A spark of anger flared in eyes usually filled with compassion. “And you built a thriving business even if that...man is going to take it away from you.”
Kate grinned at Lynn’s uncharacteristic lack of charity. Her friend had been stunned when Kate had returned from the Steeles and told her what had happened. Tom had taken the girls outside to give them privacy, and Kate had confessed everything. She hadn’t meant to tell Lynn about sleeping with Jay, but her friend had invited the confidence, and quite frankly Kate had needed to talk about it.
“Oh, honey, I’m sorry,” Lynn had said.
“How could I be so wrong about someone, Lynn?”
“He deliberately deceived you.”
“And used me.”
Lynn had sighed. “I’m really angry at him, Kate, but I’m not ready to condemn him for that. It sounds as if you were very close last night. You don’t know that was faked.”
“It was a sham. All of it.”
Tom Baines, Jacob’s cousin, hadn’t been nearly as kind as Lynn. He’d become a surrogate brother to Kate, just like Mitch, and he’d been infuriated at his cousin’s deception, though Kate had only given him an edited version of the story. “That son of a bitch.” He’d thrown his fiancée an apologetic look. “I knew I should’ve checked this out as soon as I heard, that a stranger was staying with her.”
“It appears as if I should have let you,” Lynn had said. “But things happen for a reason.” She’d turned to Kate. “We don’t always know why.”
Kate had taken no comfort in that sentiment nine hours ago, and she still didn’t.
“Kate, I asked what you were looking for now.” She pointed to the Riverbend Courier.
“Jobs.”
Frowning, Lynn asked, “Do you think it’s a good idea to quit the store immediately?”
“I don’t want to work there.” Kate swallowed hard at the thought of seeing Jay every day. “I can’t work there.”
“It’s not wise to rush into anything.”
Lifting her eyes from the paper, Kate stared at her friend. “I...I’m scared, Lynn. I thought I had everything in place, you know. That if I just worked hard enough, I could take care of the girls and still fulfill some of my dreams. When I was given the opportunity to run the store and live at the farmhouse, I thought I could really do this right.”
“You did do it right.”
“I know. And I don’t regret that.” She stood, straightened the lapels of her plaid robe and crossed to the counter. Absently she poured more coffee. “But it’s time to move on. And the sooner I start making the changes I need to make, the better I’ll feel.”
“You can do—” A knock at the back door interrupted Lynn.
Kate frowned. “Was Tom coming back?”
Lynn shook her head. “Maybe it’s a parishioner.”
“I’ll go into the living room.”
“Wait till I look.” Lynn went to the back door, brushed aside the curtains and sighed. “Now why am I not surprised?”
“I should go,” Kate repeated.
“Katie, it’s Jay. At least I think it is. He fits your description.”
Deep fear assaulted her. She couldn’t face him. Learning the truth about Jay, then witnessing his painful reunion with his aunts was about all the emotional upheaval she could handle in one day. She put down her cup and gripped the counter tightly. “I can’t see him, Lynn.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I know it’s cowardly.” In the semidark kitchen, out of view of the door, she threw up her hands. “I can’t do it.”
“All right.” Lynn opened the door. “Hello, I’m Lynn Kendall.”
Although Kate couldn’t see Jay, she could hear him. “I know who you are. I’m sure you know who I am. I need to see Kate.”
Lynn didn’t say anything.
“I went out to the farmhouse. She isn’t there. Then I called Tom. He said she was staying with you.”
“Tom told you to come here?”
“No. He said he wanted to beat the--” A pause. “He’s not very pleased with me right now.”
“None of us is. It shouldn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why.”
“Please let me see her.”
“She doesn’t want to see you.”
“Of course she doesn’t.” Another pause. Kate felt like a kid hiding under the covers. “But I’m not leaving until I talk to her.”
With weary resignation, Kate stepped out of the shadows. “It’s all right, Lynn. He’s a very single-minded man. I’ll talk to him.”
Lynn shifted her gaze from Jay to Kate. Then, as if she’d decided something, she stepped back. “All right. Come in.”
Kate watched the man who entered the kitchen. His skin was drawn, and his jaw was like granite. His linebacker shoulders sagged and his whole body radiated weariness. Today had obviously been hell for him.
Lynn was at her side. “Shall I stay, Katie?” she asked softly.
“No, go to bed. Check on the girls, though, will you?”
“Of course.” Lynn squeezed her arm, then whispered, “Come to my room if you want. Afterward.” And she was gone.
Crossing her arms, Kate focused on Jay. She tried to ignore the depth of sadness in his dark eyes. Abraham’s eyes. Ruth and Rachel’s eyes. Why hadn’t she seen that? “Sit down, Jay.” She blinked hard. “I mean...Jacob.”
“Jay, please.” Wearily, he sank onto a chair.
Without thinking, she walked to the coffeepot and poured him a mug. When she set it in front of him, she chided herself for still taking care of him. He was transfixed by the red circles she’d drawn on the newspaper. Looking up at her, he asked, “How are the girls?”
“Fine.”
“Did you tell them about me?”
“No, not yet.” I couldn’t do that today. “They love staying overnight at someone else’s home, so I just told them we’d be sleeping here tonight.”
“You should go back to the farmhouse.”
She sat across from him and shook her head. “I told you I couldn’t stay out there.”
“I wish you’d reconsider.”
“Your wishes aren’t the issue, now. I’ve got to take care of my children first.”
In a quick move, motivated by anger, she guessed, he snatched up the paper and read the circled ads. “A tiny two-bedroom duplex over on Third Street is best for the girls? I’ve lived in Riverbend. I know that section of town. It’s not fit for little girls to live in.”
I did. But then, she wouldn’t wish that on anyone, so the accusation pierced her already bruised heart. And soul. And ego. “That’s the best I can do at this point. Until I get a couple of jobs, I need to be conscious of money.”
“A couple of jobs?” He frowned down at the paper, then turned it over. “Cocktail waitress at Charter’s? Foundry work.” He raised disbelieving eyes to Kate. “Where in hell would you get time to do two jobs?”
Her chin lifted. “It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done it. Before I managed the store and while I was pregnant, I worked days at Steele Books and nights at Charter’s.”
“Ruth and Rachel let you do that?”
“No, as a matter of fact, they had a fit.” She wasn’t sure why she was defending her actions; all she knew was that she needed to stand up for herself. “Look, it’s not any of your concern. I can take care of my family.” When he just stared at her, she said, “And a little hard work never hurt anybody.”
Anger shone in his eyes. “Billy should be paying child support.”
The remark made her uneasy. “How do you know he’s not?”
He hesitated a split second. “It’s obvious, or you wouldn’t scrimp like you do.”
“Most of the world scrimps, Jay. It’s not a tragedy.”
He shook his head. “Of course it’s not. I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just that you’ll be better off all around at the farmhouse, and at the bookstore, until the first of the year.”
“So I can manage it until your sentence is up?”
He flushed. “Until after I’ve fulfilled the terms of the will, yes. But not just so you can manage it for me. So you can save your money—”
“Scrimp—” she interrupted nastily.
Temper flared in his eyes. “If you stayed on in both places, you could look for a decent place to live and better jobs than—” he rapped his knuckles on the paper “—this.”
She bit her tongue to keep from telling him that there were no better jobs than this, no better places to live, for a high school graduate without many skills or much training beyond selling books.
“Think of the girls, Kate, and not yourself.”
Anger of her own sparked. “You have some gall calling me selfish.”
He cursed heatedly. “You’re the most unselfish person I know. But you’re reacting out of pride, instead of common sense. What possible benefit will there be for the girls if you disrupt their whole lives before the holidays? Especially since you can wait until after?”
Tears threatened. Because he was right. She could make this transition easier for them if she let go of her pride and her fear.
“Not to mention what it would do to Ruth and Rachel,” he added meaningfully.
Ah, a trump card. He’d probably had a lot of practice in high-stake games. Though she knew she was being played, Kate’s concern for her girls and for the beloved Steele sisters wouldn’t allow her to hurt them. She was ashamed of not having thought about all of them first. “How are your aunts?”
He shook his head, and a ghost of a smile came to his lips. “They’re good, believe it or not. After the initial shock, they bombarded me with questions. We talked through the afternoon, then they made me my favorite meal.”
“Frittata.”
He nodded guiltily, then rushed on to describe their day. “We drank more tea and talked until they got tired.”
“So you left?”
“Not exactly. We went to the apartment over the bookstore, spruced it up a bit, and I got my things from the car. I’ll be staying there. After they went home, I came looking for you.”
“Didn’t they wonder why you weren’t staying at your farmhouse?”
He cringed slightly at the pronoun but didn’t reply.
“Or didn’t they know you’d inherited it—and the store? I’ve been wondering about that. What they know about all this.”
“Until I told them, my aunts only knew their inheritance didn’t include either the store or the house. They didn’t know who Abraham had left the property to. Nick Harrison told them everything would come out eventually. Abraham willed them a huge sum of money, and they had large trust funds of their own from my grandmother’s side of the family, so finances aren’t an issue.”
“But didn’t it did seem unusual to them? The store was their baby.” And mine.
“Apparently Abraham left many unusual bequests. I guess they’ve just been waiting out this one.”
“I see.”
“I, um…” Guilt bloomed on his face, bringing color to his pale cheeks. He stood and began to pace the small kitchen. Then he pushed a restless hand through his hair. “I didn’t tell them about selling the store and the farmhouse, and I wish you wouldn’t, either, for a while.”
“What?”
“I couldn’t, Kate. It was hard enough dealing with having abandoned them fifteen years ago, although they handled that oddly, too.” Nonplussed, he shook his head. “Ruth wanted to know why I left. But Rachel cut her off, said it didn’t matter now. Let the past lie.”
“That sounds like Rachel. So did you tell them why you left?”
He shook his head and leaned against the counter by the sink. “I still have no intention of doing that.”
“Why not?”
“The reason would destroy their love for Abraham. I can’t do that.” As if to himself, he muttered, “It was one of the reasons I left.”
She wouldn’t feel sorry for him, damn it. She didn’t care if his face got so stiff she thought it might crack. If his eyes turned bleaker than a February dawn. She averted her gaze to stop the rush of sympathy. “It’s your business, I guess. I’m only concerned with what I can control.”
He cocked his head. “Control’s important to you, isn’t it?”
“Right now, it’s the most important thing in my life.”
“Other than the girls and my aunts.”
And you. No, no she wouldn’t let herself think that. “Yes.”
Pushing away from the counter, he crossed the kitchen to tower over her. She stood, too, but came only to his shoulder; she felt like David before Goliath, small and terribly unarmed.
“Please, Kate. Stay at the house. At the store. For all our sakes.”
Her eyes closed briefly and she swayed toward him She wanted him to draw her close, so she could weep in the arms of the man who had caused her pain. It was when his hands rested on her shoulders and he breathed out the endearment, “Honey, please,” that she realized what she was doing.
She jerked back; her hands clapped over her mouth. Pure humiliation overwhelmed her. She’d been ready to let the man who’d used her, who’d deceived her, comfort her. She couldn’t think of anything more obscene.
Gathering her wits, she finally said, “All right. For the girls’ sake, and for Ruth and Rachel, I’ll stay at the store and live at the farmhouse for a while.”
He breathed a sigh of relief.
Her eyes narrowed on him “Not for you, Jay. You’re done manipulating me.”
A muscle leaped in his jaw, but he said nothing.
She held up two fingers. “And I have two conditions.”
He arched a brow, a gesture so reminiscent of Abraham it made her sad. He’d thrown away so much. “What?”
“First, I’ll only keep the sale information to myself for a few days. Till after Thanksgiving. Not telling something is tantamount to lying, and I won’t lie to Ruth and Rachel any longer than necessary. So find a way to tell them.”
“I will. What else?”
“That you promise never to touch me again.”
The pain in his expression, the fact that her words had caused it, took her breath away. But in a moment, his face had become impassive. “Okay, I promise. I won’t touch you ever again.”
The words she wanted to hear hurt more than the crippling labor she’d had with the twins. She pivoted to hide her reaction. With her back to him she said, “Fine. Please leave now.”
An eternity passed before she heard his heavy footsteps on Lynn’s floor. She felt cold air on her feet when the door opened and closed.
Even after finding Billy with his girlfriend, even after delivering the twins early, she hadn’t felt this scared and this alone. “Please,” she whispered into the darkness of the kitchen. “Please let me be able to handle this.”