Saying it out loud had made it more real. Matt was going to be alone.

Back at school it became difficult, for the first time, to maintain his 60 percent average. While his teachers droned on he found himself picturing it, aloneness, maybe trying to prepare himself for what lay ahead. But for some reason it was impossible to imagine. He could picture an empty trailer. He could picture Jack not being there. There had been lots of times when Jack had not been there while he was growing up, for a few weeks or even several months. What he could not imagine was Jack not coming back. The rational side of him knew it was going to happen, but the other part of him didn’t know what that could possibly feel like.

Amanda stopped by the trailer the next day with a magazine for Jack and a plate of food for Matt. But Matt didn’t feel like talking anymore. Didn’t feel like he could. Jack was taking a nap, and Matt just turned out all the lights and drew the curtains. After knocking a few times, Amanda left her gifts on the makeshift wooden steps outside the front door.

He avoided her the next week at school, too. Matt thought that might help him deal, not talking to anyone about this again. Maybe allow him to block everything out of his mind.

It didn’t.

—

With a few minutes left in the lunch period, Matt was still talking to a group of guys in the stairwell by the gym. The junior prom was coming up and everyone wanted to make sure they had enough weed and pills for their parties. Usually Matt had a more take-it-or-leave-it stance on how much he could offer—he didn’t want to have to listen to everyone’s stories and try to adjust his amounts with Big Ed—but he could use the extra money this month. He checked the time and made an excuse to get away from those guys. He walked to the lunchroom.

On the way, he had extra sensors out for Gill and Hershey. Those two had been entirely too quiet lately, and no way did Matt believe it had anything to do with his attendance at Helping Hands. Getting frisked on a weekly basis might’ve been a pain in the ass, but it was better than wondering what they were up to.

When he got to the cafeteria, Amanda was sitting at one of the smaller tables, homework spread over the table and her backpack on an empty chair.

“Hey.”

“Hi, Matt.”

“So…how’s it goin’?”

She gave him a half-smile. “Not bad. Just trying to catch up on some science homework.”

“Right.” Matt looked around the cafeteria. Pulled out a chair halfway but didn’t sit down. Pushed it back.

He didn’t know how to say what he came to say. Or even if he should say it. The only person he had ever asked anything from was Jack.

Amanda broke the awkward silence. “Actually, if I’m being honest, the homework is just a distraction.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I had this interview. For nursing school. It wasn’t…I don’t think it went very well.”

“What? Come on. You’re good at talking. Who wouldn’t like you, if they sit down and talk to you for an hour?”

Amanda’s smile was the biggest he’d ever seen on her, but she looked away and shook her head. “I wish. I started…it’s so embarrassing.”

“What?” Matt pulled the seat halfway out again.

Amanda took a deep breath. “I started crying. Not, like, bad-crying, you know? But they were asking about my experience with sick people, and I started to think about that little bit of time I got to spend with Jack.” Her eyes filled with tears, but she continued. “I just…it really hit me. The people I would be working with—they are real people with real families who care about them. Like Jack.” She paused. “Like my dad.”

Matt sat down.

“Anyway, I don’t know when I’ll hear back, but I think I blew it. They probably think I’m a basket case.” Amanda gestured to the papers on the table. “So I think I’m just trying to take my mind off it.”

“I know what you mean.” They were quiet for a moment.

Amanda wiped her eyes and sat up a bit straighter. “Oh, I can’t believe I’m making this about me. How’s Jack feeling? I should have asked right away.”

It took Matt a while to get started.

“He’s…I don’t know. I guess the pain is mostly under control, but he’s been sleeping a ton this week. And he doesn’t eat very much. I mean, he hasn’t eaten much for a long time, but I think it’s getting worse.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” Amanda said. She looked down. “After stopping by your place a few times…I just…I mean, I’ve been trying to give you a little space now, you know? But if you need anything I hope you know I’m here.”

Matt nodded. He got out of his chair and turned to go, then looked back at Amanda. “Look…Jack’s been asking about you.”

“Yeah?” she said. Her eyes brightened. “I’ve been thinking about him a lot. Not just when I’m crying in interviews.” She smiled. “I’ve been thinking about both of you, actually. Hope you’re doing okay.”

They looked at each other in silence. The words Matt had found in the trailer were more elusive here in the school commons with the drone of a dozen meaningless conversations all around them.

“I’ve been wanting to do something special for him,” Amanda said. “I don’t know, something girly. Knit him a blanket or something. I know that must sound stupid.”

Matt shook his head.

“I don’t even know how to knit,” she said.

Matt almost smiled. “Okay, maybe that does sound a little stupid, then.”

Amanda smiled big enough for both of them. “I told you,” she said. “Anyway, please tell him I said hello, okay? I hope he’s feeling better. As well as he can, anyway. You know what I mean.”

“Okay, I will, and, uh…” When the right words finally came, they came in a rush. He couldn’t believe he was actually going to ask her for this, but what was the alternative? “Okay, so it’s fine if you say no, really, but there’s this errand thing I have to run on Sunday, and it might take a few hours, and I’m a little nervous about leaving Jack alone any more than I have to.” Matt paused. He tried to judge her reaction but was uncomfortable looking her in the eyes just then. He pressed on. “And he’d like to see you again. Really. So if you don’t mind, is there a chance you could maybe stop by? It wouldn’t have to be for the whole two hours or anything, but—”

“I’d love to,” Amanda said.

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely.”

“That’d be good,” Matt said. “About noon? Is that cool? I can get you some gas money or something.”

“Don’t worry about it. That’s what friends are for. I’ll see you on Sunday.”