Exhibitionism and the (Formerly) Shy

You might find this hard to believe, but I am a Recovering Shy Person. When I was (not so very much) younger, the idea of getting up before a crowd and attracting erotic attention would have sent me into a panic. In fact, I couldn’t even imagine doing much of that sort of thing one-on-one. My idea of talking dirty was “I love you” or—really bold—“Oh, yes!”

Since then I’ve been photographed naked, recorded (video and audio) having sex, and performed explicit sex shows. That I’ve done these things is not only evidence of my recovery, they’re part of it.

Faced with the thorny dilemma of possessing a sexually adventurous soul trapped in a rather mousy erotic personality, I did what many other shy types do—I read and fantasized extensively. This actually gave me a lot to draw upon when I finally began to emerge from my shell, and I definitely recommend it. In fact, I was braver alone than with a partner; I can recall talking dirty to myself, dressing erotically, and watching myself in a mirror, all during masturbation. I recommend this for the recovering shy person, too—getting used to the sound of your own voice and the look you project when you’re dressed up or being sexual gives you more confidence when you start to share these parts of yourself with a partner—not to mention a cast of thousands!

It’s also important because what makes an exhibitionist is her or his erotic enjoyment in displaying and showing off. If you can’t enjoy even the idea of this, exhibitionism may not be for you.

Few interpretations of the lives of those sex workers whose careers center upon being viewed—especially dancers, peep-show workers, models and porn actresses—address exhibitionism as a factor in a professional show-off ’s experience of her work. I find this astonishing, since my exhibitionism is probably the most important reason for my interest in doing sex work in the first place, and is surely the primary reason why I enjoy it. (America’s X-rated sweetheart, Nina Hartley, is another sex worker who is very articulate about the importance of her exhibitionism.) Leaving this out of the discussion altogether is like forgetting to mention that sex workers get paid. I would guess that if you line up all the sex workers in the world and separate them into two groups—“feels generally positive about sex work” versus “feels generally negative”—the ones who feel good about their work will be more likely to display exhibitionistic traits. I was already in recovery from my shyness when I began to do peep-show work, but I found my progress greatly accelerated in that environment—and I found out how truly exhibitionistic I am. For a while I found I wasn’t all that interested in masturbating alone because it was so much hotter to do it in a peep-show booth!

In my youth I was primarily shy socially and sexually. I was perfectly willing to accept any good invitation—even some that didn’t turn out to be so good, in my early, experimental years—but presenting myself erotically and approaching people on that basis were beyond me. However, my exhibitionism was alive in my younger years, just channeled into a non-erotic focus. I was a young politico, always ready to address a crowd or talk to the press. Through getting attention and feeling successful in this arena, I gradually got bolder.

This increasing boldness came out first in my dress, though not every day. When it was time to go out to a party, though, I felt I had carte blanche to express myself. I started appearing in public dressed in fishnets, a leotard and a tux coat, but only for special occasions—the rest of the time I dressed down, as if the energy I was playing with at dress-up parties was too hot to handle in the light of day.

There are a lot of weekend exhibitionists—people who don’t think the term applies to them, partly because it derives from the realm of medicalized sex. Invented by the “sexual variation is an illness” doctors, exhibitionism historically refers to someone (usually male) who floats his boat by whipping his dick out to show innocent schoolgirls, hopefully making them squeal. This is not what I mean when I talk about exhibitionism! I’m talking about consensual behavior that provokes a turn-on, and in the real world, women are at least as likely to be exhibitionists as men.

It makes sense, really: Women get social approval for caring for their looks—it is on this basis, we’re told, that we can attract a man (as if a truly exhibitionistic woman would want to attract only one! Or that she would want a man and not a woman, for that matter). Women who refuse to adjust their looks to fit the straight-gal norm are often rewarded with scorn and abuse. All this means that many women have gotten training in a certain type of socially accepted exhibitionism at their mothers’ knees.

This does not necessarily add up to a turn-on, however, even if these women prove very alluring to other people. For some women, looking good is just what they think they’re supposed to do, so they do it, and woe to the innocent bystander who tries to tell them they look fine. Furthermore, only the most wild and crazy exhibitionist has nothing better to do with her brain cells than strut her stuff and get noticed for it—the rest of us, who might thrill to a wolf whistle on stage at a strip club or at home when we sashay into the bedroom, are just trying to get the laundry done or the mortgage closed the rest of the time, thank you very much. The reason feminine, alluring presentation has been attacked by some feminists is because this type of exhibitionism is so closely tied to the sexist assumption that being sexually alluring is what women are for. It pushes buttons when we ourselves want the kinds of responses that other women have been fighting hard not to get. However, I don’t know any female exhibitionists who don’t want to be seen as multifaceted people, and I and most of my friends who get off on showing off prefer to control the environment in which the showing-off takes place.

This element of control is one thing I’ve gained from learning to let out my inner exhibitionist. Attention that wouldn’t feel comfortable on, say, a crowded subway platform is welcome at a sex club or in a peep-show booth, because context is very important. Some exhibitionists only want to get down and wild with one special person at home. Others would like to think everyone in the world is watching but may prefer them to hold the applause until we’re turned on and masturbating. For still others—and this often holds true for me—other people’s responses aren’t really what we’re looking for; they may even be distracting. The turn-on is internal—knowing that we’re doing it is what’s hot, not who’s watching.

This is one of the things that makes exhibitionism personally empowering for me as a recovering shy person: I’ve found a way to express my turn-on. Any other form of sexual play would be equally empowering if I’d felt frightened of it and then overcome the fear. Sure, it is ego-enhancing that I’ve found other people who want to watch, but the bottom line is that my own sexual capabilities, my own capacity for arousal, have expanded.

In discussing female allure, by the way, I don’t mean to imply that a woman who isn’t traditionally feminine can’t successfully be an exhibitionist. It’s not how you present yourself, it’s that you present yourself. The S/M community is home to lots of women who aren’t attractive by Playboy standards but who are so present in their sexuality that they glow with eroticism—and in that community, they have appreciative admirers no matter how young or old, small or large they are. In the lesbian community there are many women whose attractiveness has nothing to do with traditional feminine standards—if you’ve ever seen a butch babe who exudes that certain glow you’ll see that femmes have no corner on exhibitionism.

By the same token, men are often the culturally acknowledged exhibitionists—though this is almost always seen as a pathology, as I said before. But male exhibitionism is not primarily about lurking in parks with a trench coat on. In the gay community, for example, plenty of consensual, appreciated male exhibitionism goes on, from sex-work environments like all-male strip clubs to the notorious neighborhoods above Market Street where guys entertain each other with picture-window jack-off shows. Just think of the frequently true stereotype about gay men—“They’re better looking than straight men!” (often wailed by girls whom the gay men are ignoring). Why might that be? Because, among other things, exhibitionism in males is more acceptable and part of the norm in the gay community. They’re competing to attract each other, and sexual attractiveness—both their own and their partners’—is high on many gay men’s list of priorities. These men give more attention to the way they look and present themselves.

Heterosexual men, on the other hand, don’t grow up in a cultural context where their physical attractiveness is judged by potential partners in the same way that women and gay men do. Survey after survey finds that heterosexual women look for personality and economic factors in mate-hunting before they start to rate pecs and abs. If a man is too well put together, in fact, suspicious females sometimes start wondering if he’s gay. Many women, though—in my experience the more sexually adventurous ones—strongly prefer men who give their own looks more than cursory attention. These women may feel fine about being sexually objectified, but they want their own sex objects, too. Why should the boys have all the toys?

So if you’re a heterosexual man who longs to be the one gazed at, desired and applauded, don’t despair. There are women who want to appreciate you. But they will be looking for signs of your exhibitionism, not your ego—what’s hot is seeing the turn-on in you that stripping or putting on a jack-off show or dressing to kill provokes.

Back to those weekend exhibitionists. Is this you? Pretty regular life until the Exotic-Erotic Ball comes around, or the big Hallowe’en party. Then you pull out the stops. Finally an excuse to buy all the sexy stuff you wouldn’t dream of dressing up in on an ordinary week night! Men and women alike make a beeline to the Danskin store to buy fishnets. In part, of course, events like these are ritualistic, and in a way we’re expected to dress up and go along with the fun. Who’s the abnormal one at the Exotic-Erotic Ball, the guy in pasties and a G-string or the one in dumpy street clothes? One is playing—the other’s a tourist.

I just have one suggestion for those who thrill to Hallowe’en or Mardi Gras because they give you an excuse to go outside looking fabulous—try getting that much attention when you stay home! Put on the leopard print bikini undies on a Wednesday night and make your mate believe you’re a jungle cat. Or go to a upscale strip club on amateur night and take it all off, or explore how it feels to fuck your lover at a sex party.

Sex is so much better when you give it a little attention, ritualize it a bit. The same act that was comfortable if repetitious last week might feel very different this week if you open your eyes, light some candles, dress up for it, do it with someone watching.

If you really want to feel how exciting exhibitionism can be, hook up with a voyeur. You may very well have one in bed with you now and not know it; if you haven’t been exhibitionistic thus far, your mate may be out looking at people who are. I’m sure that most of the men who frequented the peep show when I worked there had partners; I’m equally sure that most of those wives and girlfriends never bothered to put on a show, but some of them probably jumped at the chance to go shriek at the Chippendales when they came to town. Had they ever seen their lovers put on the kind of show the men did for me? Some of these guys left the professionally buffed male strippers in the dust, honey, and I know why—on my side of the glass I was egging them on, saying, “Oh, yeah, do it for me, baby—stroke your dick, that’s so hot.”

Voyeur and exhibitionist—now there’s a match made in heaven. You show off; they watch, hard and/or wet, their pleasure in you, and in your pleasure, totally evident. I don’t know how my recovery would have proceeded without voyeuristic lovers, ones who said, “Talk to me” and “Let me watch you do that.” One of the biggest side effects of accepting and reveling in my exhibitionistic desires has been getting the green light to explore my own voyeuristic side. In fact, like many players in the S/M community who switch roles from top to bottom whenever it feels right, I’d say that most exhibitionists have more than a little of the voyeur in them.

So come on. Don’t wait for Mardi Gras! Dress up for your lover—then take it all off again…slowly. Get on opposite sides of the bed and masturbate for each other. Keep your eyes open! Get out the camera. Make a video. Talk dirty to each other. Awaken and nurture the exhibitionist and voyeur in each other, and you might be surprised—if you thought the honeymoon was over, you might just have to book a flight to Maui.

And don’t be surprised if you feel more confident out in the world. Who says sex is supposed to be done in the dark, with your eyes closed? You just broke another taboo, and you did it for your own pleasure. There are few things more empowering than that.