As primary caretakers for most of our child-bearing years, many of us neglected our spiritual and emotional health. Or maybe we were too busy building our careers. It is not too late to nurture growth in this area, especially now that family obligations may have receded somewhat.
There are many easily accessible spiritual teachers. Some that I follow online and respect greatly are Tara Brach, Jack Kornfield, Pema Chodron, and Brene Brown.
It took me half of my life to understand the difference between religion and spirituality. People in recovery frequently say, “Religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell; spirituality is for people who have already been there.” There is a place for both in my life. I take what feeds me from organized religion and have expanded the sources that enrich my spirituality.
Now, with life experience gleaned over five decades, my spirituality has more rich soil from which to bloom. As does yours. Exploring and expanding my spirituality was a huge gift to myself that enhanced every aspect of my life. And there are many ways to experience it.
29. Excavating My Inner Wild Woman
You were wild once. Don’t let them tame you.
—Isadora Duncan
I turned 50 and decided to run naked in the woods. I do not think there is a single woman from my “past” life who would believe I spent a retreat in the woods with a group of women I did not know, part of which involved dancing naked around a campfire howling “pussy power” at the moon. If you had told me, before I turned 50, that I would be doing this, I’d have been incredulous.
The name of the retreat intrigued me. “Women of the Wild.” I longed to be a Woman of the Wild. I had spent too much time holed up in a little box I believed society—and especially my straight-laced, steady, appropriate husband—wanted me to stay in. This cradle-Catholic was raised believing that anything wild, lewd, of-the-flesh (unless solely for procreation), led to infernal damnation. We were exhorted to cover our heads, shoulders, and knees while in church. I was done covering who I really was. I did not want to allow fear to govern my decisions any longer. Thus, I shed my comfort zone, pushing away any lingering wary thoughts, as my car climbed the mountains into Appalachia, into the woods and away from modern plumbing.
The retreat organizer lived near Gallaudet University, a liberal arts institution for deaf and hard-of-hearing students, and arranged for the gathering to be completely accessible, with interpreters fully fluent in American Sign Language (ASL). Initially, I felt self-conscious when talking with the deaf participants. Do I look at the interpreter? Do I look at the woman with whom I was speaking, who was looking alternatively at me and then the interpreter? What happened over the course of the retreat was a gradual easing of the hearing “barrier.” We learned how to adapt and leaned in to one another. We all learned the difference between the ASL sign for “vagina” and how that sign differed from that for “pussy.” We took an audacious group photo celebrating this piece of education. I no longer take for granted the facility (albeit diminishing) I still enjoy with all of my senses.
There also were lesbian and trans women present. We were of all ages, though the group skewed a bit younger than my demographic. While dancing naked around the campfire, I showed the youngsters what “elephant” skin looks like on the belly of a women who gained too much weight in pregnancy. They smiled and said I was beautiful. Perhaps I was and perhaps I was not. The point was that we were and are beautiful, just as we are. The energy and vibration we created together was dazzling, palpable, and intrepid.
We danced fully clothed as well. During open mic night, we got a “twerking” lesson from a belly dancing instructor. My half-century-old body betrayed my ambition as I struggled to keep up with the seductive moves. No matter. We laughed together and I felt a sense of freedom in my soul. Or was it freedom in my haltingly shaking pelvis that refused to contort like those of the young women? As we moved to the pulsing music that our deaf sisters felt in their bones, no one cared how they looked. When was the last time I was in a room with dozens of women who did not care one iota how they looked?
How much time I had wasted caring about my appearance! The shame from my First Communion at age seven being the only girl not dressed in white was etched into my psyche. Had my immigrant mother not known how to dress me for this occasion? Did my custodial father fail to get the memo? I still cannot look at photos from that day without feeling blood rush to my face, or at least sadness for that seven-year-old girl.
A preoccupation with being dressed appropriately for the occasion entered my public persona as the result of this and other shaming life experiences. I remember not feeling that I had the right clothes when I arrived at college. It was the 1980s, and preppiness was de rigeur at that New England gothic-spired school. I had come from a Catholic girls’ high school, where we wore uniforms every day and fashion was downplayed in my friend group. I remember feeling judged and stared at by my wealthier college classmates.
At the country club we joined, I was mistaken for a server. I was painfully aware of the dress code and disappointed that my armor had not sufficed. At the large Washington, D.C., law firm where I first practiced after graduation, I was mistaken for a secretary. There is, of course, nothing wrong with servers or secretaries. I have been both. But assumptions people made, based on my appearance, stung.
Such baggage led to some stifling behavior on my part. We lived in an affluent neighborhood for a couple decades, where I would not even go outside for a run unless I was in color-coordinated attire. And it was usually high-end Lululemon brand, or the like. Now, I dress for comfort, especially while exercising. And I live in an area where people seem not to regard clothing as much beyond functional.
Does caring less about what others think come from a healthy self-esteem, borne from nurturing parents and a supportive upbringing? Does it come from maturing with sheer force of years of experience on this planet? Who knows? It is probably very case-specific. For this person in long-term recovery, it came from internalizing the sentiment that “What other people think of me is none of my business.” And even if it were, it is largely out of my control.
The rain at the Wild retreat did not dampen our spirits, but rather magnified the earthy smells during our nature walks and movement between geodomes and our cabins. Everything green was glittering with moisture. It smelled loamy. I felt the soil give as I stepped into the woods, as my resistance slowly gave in.
I had a transforming experience sitting upon a rock that jutted over a river’s rushing water. All sounds were drowned out, save for the river current’s music. I was able to sit still with my eyes closed, attempting to empty my mind, and meditated for the longest period to date. My mind’s eye conjured up the image of a phoenix behind my lids. Images came and went. I listened for my Higher Power to speak to me in some way.
I opened my eyes and gazed at the river’s rocks. Most were smooth; some were still jagged. “Stop fighting, and let the river of life smooth your edges,” a spirit seemed to say.
There were yoga, meditation, and “soulspeak” workshops at the retreat; sessions on unhealthy body images; and instruction on how to manifest our intentions and create our own abundance. One sublime orator shot verbal sugar through our veins, as we listened with rapt attention to her compelling words. We learned the gift of “holding space” for people we love, but cannot reach. When I hear negative thoughts from others or in my head, I learned from a wise woman, Malka Roth, now to respond with, “Return to sender, with love and consciousness,” until I can release the negativity. One poet led me to a place where I was able to see myself as my own soul mate. When I shared this with her after her presentation, we both wept.
We practiced healing modalities on one another and ate vegetarian, “clean” food. I enjoyed a body massage in a makeshift studio with cloth walls that opened to the rushing river. During the closing ceremony, we took turns standing in the middle of the circle and receiving positive energy from the outstretched hands of the others who were reaching toward the woman in the center. We sealed our intentions to attract positivity and tend carefully to our dreams.
The retreat included empaths, shamans, yogis, and seekers of many kinds. Women shared their deep pain during the weekend. We were so opened up and raw following the sharing that took place, that I happily wore a red hat upon my return to civilization, being told that this would protect my Crown Chakra, which represents our ability to be fully connected spiritually—one of several spiritual self-defense tactics to which I was exposed. New to me. Why not embrace these concepts previously foreign to me? Who is to say traditional Western religions are right and Buddhists are wrong? I can now find my Higher Power anywhere. I believe we are all talking to and seeking the same God, no matter what we call Her or Him and how we approach the Spirit.
I still smile when I think about the long weekend in the woods with this amazing group of soul sisters—free of judgment, inclusive, international, authentic, open-hearted, magical women. I allowed myself the spiritual expansion I had dreamed of for years. I am working hard to dismantle the yoke of shame and fear I have carried for so long. I am banishing the word “should” from my vocabulary, in a quest to cease from “shoulding” all over myself. I am learning to love out loud, accepting life as it comes, and letting the rough edges of my life heal with the gliding water of experience that now includes the Women of the Wild.
I have adopted as my mantra a meditation Malka shared with us that was adapted from a writing of Ram Dass. After solitary meditation in the woods, she had us come together and consider picturing the world as a forest. Notice how some trees grow straight and tall, nourished by sunlight, while others bend this way and that, struggling to reach some sun above. Some trees bend and break with weight foisted upon them or weakness within, that we cannot see. So, too, are people around us like the trees. Some have easily received what they needed to thrive. Some worked hard to get what they needed, and some could not bear their circumstances. If we think of our fellows in these terms, it is much easier to practice more kindness toward all.
Remembering this metaphor for regarding others in the world has allowed me to grow in compassion toward those with whom I come in contact. I was surrounded by such love at this retreat. I pray you, too, can find a community or retreat where you can let go, expand your mind, and allow epiphanies like those I had at Women of the Wild dance in your consciousness.
30. Getting Off the Hamster Wheel
My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.
—The Dalai Lama
Meditation, or centering prayer, as it is called in some Catholic circles, has gone mainstream. It has changed my life in subtle, yet noticeable ways. I no longer wrestle so much with life and fill my days with incessant doing. I slow down. I savor.
The benefits of meditation, such as stress reduction, have been widely touted. It can be an antidote to anxiety because it causes one to be present. If I am not worrying about the future or fretting about the past, I am able to be fully present. I can ground myself in the sounds and sensations I am experiencing right now.
Meditation centers have sprung up around the country. Just Meditate, in Bethesda, Maryland, is a favorite of mine, as is the Shambhala Center in Washington, D.C. Sometimes meditating in a group enables me to practice for longer periods of time and to practice meditation regularly. Gifted meditation leader Tara Brach gives weekly dharma talks in the Washington area, attended each week by hundreds of people. Her talks are recorded for online viewing.1 Meditation retreats have gained popularity, as well.2
It is easy to find guided meditations online. There are dozens of apps for meditating.3 I sometimes listen to guided meditations when stuck in traffic. They soothe me and reset my mood. Meditation can be very simple, however, with nothing more than focusing on one’s own breath.
Sometimes I enhance my own practice with candlelight or aromatherapy. Meditating in a warm bath also is a lovely self-caring ritual.
Catholics call the meditation they practice centering prayer. Meditation is akin to listening for what God has to say. Although a cradle Catholic, I did not learn about centering prayer until I joined a mothers’ prayer group at my church.
I was raised Roman Catholic and attended Catholic schools from first grade through college. I did not know anyone well who was not Catholic until age 18 or so. Other faith traditions were foreign to me. I remember being slightly afraid of the Mormons who would come around occasionally proselytizing door to door in our neighborhood. Fear like mine is often based on ignorance.
The Catholicism of my youth was punitive and oppressive. It was filled with guilt-inducing directives. But somehow it fed me. I now know that many children of alcoholics, like me, have inappropriate guilt in response to their parent’s volatile behavior and rage. Guilt and shame are corrosive. They are something that can be released, however, if we become willing.
As I got older, I disagreed with what I considered to be the man-made mistakes in the Catholic church, such as the prohibition of birth control, lack of female clergy, condemnation of certain healing modalities as sinful superstition, and teachings on homosexuals. I believe that churches often set a high bar, knowing that humans are prone to error but need some goals toward which they can aspire. Now I take what feeds me—like the familiar prayers, ritual, and the Beatitudes—and leave the rest. I’m a cafeteria Catholic.
I explored various faith traditions and tried different churches. I have come to believe that there are many different names for our Higher Power that I choose to call God, and that there is no one right way to honor and pray to Him or Her. Actually, God is likely to not be any gender.
My very traditional ex-husband ridiculed me for some of my spiritual explorations, asking if he might come home and find me sacrificing chickens in the backyard one day. My daughter seemed to like my ventures in woo-woo land. She once said I reminded her of the socialite business mogul in the award-winning television show Grace and Frankie4 before my spiritual transformation, and the hippie-dippie character afterward.
I attended services at a synagogue, a bible church, a Southern Baptist church, and a nondenominational center for spiritual development. I visited monasteries and experienced spiritual cleansing in a sweat lodge. I engaged in family constellation circles. I attended a weekly dharma talk and meditation, and tried a meditation studio. I opened my mind to different levels and methods of practicing spirituality. I learned about animal spirits and other Native American forms of spirituality.
At first, I had to shed the Catholic notion that it is a sin to worship “false gods” by engaging in superstition. Some Catholics believe that anything outside the Catholic catechism is verboten. Believing in horoscopes is considered a sin among some Catholics. I once confessed to a priest that I had gone to a clairvoyant. He forgave me, but directed me to sin no more.
I joined a Unitarian Universalist church. Unitarian Universalism is a liberal religion born of the Jewish and Christian traditions, but with a broad belief that personal experience, conscience, and reason should be the final authorities in religion. I was drawn to their inclusiveness and social justice work. Their slogan of “deeds, not creeds,” attracted me. They are guided by seven principles:
—The inherent worth and dignity of every person
—Justice, equity and compassion in human relations
—Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations
—A free and responsible search for truth and meaning
—The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large
—The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all
—Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part5
Hard for me to argue with these tenets.
Several coincidences happened in short order to convince me that I was being led to this church, though I no longer believe in coincidences per se. My beloved grandmother had joined a Unitarian church and is buried on the grounds of one. One of my closest friends from my Jesuit university took me to his church when I visited him in Boston and he happened to be on the Unitarian Universalist church’s board there. I also had moved to a neighborhood that had a Unitarian Universalist church within walking distance and had attended dharma talks there. I saw friends—even some from my Catholic church nearby—the first time I attended a UU service at the church I joined.
Meditation is part of the Unitarian Sunday services. Meditation, however, need not be formal. It can be as simple as a deep breath before speaking or acting. Practicing the pause has saved me a great deal of pain. A working acronym for my life is WAIT: Why Am I Talking?—a big step for this previously unedited speaker.
It is a form of prayer for me. Praying, for me, had mostly been asking God for something. Meditation is listening for what God has to say. It helps me clear my mind and become grounded in the present. Sometimes, I picture a sailboat crossing on the horizon. My thoughts get “put” in the sailboat, so I can let go of them. Or, I picture a blackboard. I mentally write the racing thoughts onto the blackboard, then erase them. I take a break from the mental noise in my head.
A sea change for me spiritually was asking God what His will for me is, as opposed to asking for Him or Her to allow things to go my way. “Your will, not mine, be done.”
I meditate in many different places. I attend meditation workshops and have gone to a salt cave to meditate. I have meditated atop the red rocks of Sedona, where I could sense the vibrations of the energy vortex there. I can meditate while walking. I really enjoy meditating while walking in a labyrinth, and have considered making one with stones in my backyard. They can be found in churches and parks, as an aid to entering a contemplative state.
Yoga is a meditation of movement. I can do five deep breaths at work or while stuck in traffic to bring my blood pressure down. There are a multitude of guided meditations online. Meditation is something that can be practiced at many times in one’s day and in many places. Even pausing before I speak or react to something is a form of meditation.
Part of meditation for me is dropping the rock (i.e., releasing whatever it is that is holding me down). What is your rock? One of mine was being a people-pleaser and caring deeply about what others thought of me. I used to fret about what I would wear, for instance. I largely let go of that. I used to walk into a room and desperately hope everyone liked me. Now, I enter a room and hope I like them, or at least that I can relate to someone in the room.
In the 12-step meetings, we say we get a daily reprieve from our addictions, contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.6 Meditation is a large part of my spiritual maintenance. It changes my view of the world for the better. Before I take on something challenging or potentially triggering, I ask myself whether I am spiritually fit enough to undertake the event or experience in question.
I still attend mass sometimes, and am comforted by the ritual. But I believe that opening my consciousness to other ways of finding my Higher Power has strengthened me. I hope you find yours.
Quiet Down, Little One
—by Heather Markowitz
What grows there
really look closely
unspoken desires wrapping like ivy
. . . Make a clearing for it
let it unfold
guard it from naysayers. . . .
This is your dream, yours alone
What does living the life of your dreams look like for you?
Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally. . . .
Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.
—don Miguel Ruiz
A great deal of my journey after turning 50 has been of a spiritual nature. A book of great influence in my life is The Four Agreements, by Toltec shaman don Miguel Ruiz.7 I decided to go on one of his spiritual retreats. I did not even know what a shaman was until my fifth decade, and probably would not have been open before then to going on a retreat with one.
We stayed in a small resort in the shadow of the ancient pyramids in Teotihuacan, Mexico—a UNESCO World Heritage Site. One of our shamanic sessions took place atop the largest of the pyramids. When in the presence of something so much bigger than myself, I could feel the presence of God.
Ruiz has a beatific presence. Peace radiates around him and he has many devotees. His message is of love and he seems to serve as a messenger from a Higher Power.
I had picked up Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements, when I was in rehab. It blew me away with the power in its simplicity. It reframed for me the way I look at the world.
Agreement number one is: “Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.”8 This agreement may be intuitive for most people, but was not for me. I do not wish to offend people and took pains to appeal to others—exhausting and unnecessary, for the most part, I have learned.
I also took part in gossip, as a way to elevate my fragile ego. I avoid that now. I need not contribute any more negativity to our wounded society. I find better ways to spend my time and attempt to speak only with love.
Don’t take anything personally is the second agreement. “Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”9 Before I respond to ugliness from another person, I try hard to remember this. I think about times I lashed out at someone not because of something they did, but because of something else that happened that did not involve them. We cannot know what is going on in other people’s lives that may affect them negatively.
I have seen concrete progress using this agreement. While it still catches me off guard when someone says something mean, I am able to step back and, via my internal dialogue, not take to heart whatever was said. No one can hurt me unless I allow them to do so. I no longer give others that power.
The third agreement is: “Don’t make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.”10 The people-pleaser in me fought this agreement. But following it has increased the tranquility in my life.
In my current relationship, for example, if my boyfriend is in a sour mood, I do not jump to the conclusion that I have done something to upset him, as I may have in past relationships. I respect his space, while not taking on responsibility for how he is feeling on a given day. I also know that my very active dog can be a demanding companion, but have asked my boyfriend to tell me if he needs a break from my pup so that resentments do not build and so that I do not feel guilty when I leave my dog with him. We work hard at communicating our needs clearly and before ill feelings can erupt. We cannot read each other’s minds.
The last agreement is to always do your best. “Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.”11 This agreement helps me forgive myself. I try to remember to do the best I can with whatever my resources allow, and to hope that others are doing the best they can as well. I do not want to be an apologist for others’ bad behavior, but I recognize more clearly when someone’s struggles with things that have nothing to do with me color their behavior.
Each of the Ten Commandments can be found in these four agreements, yet the four agreements provided a fresh way in which to view my daily choices. There also is overlap with the teachings in my 12-step program. All are pointing me in the direction of living in grace. Before making a decision, I now ask myself, “Does this decision move me toward or away from my goal of living in grace or being the best version of myself that I can be?”
One of Ruiz’s less conventional teachings is that we choose whether to love our life partners each day. At the time of the retreat, he was living with his girlfriend and his ex-wife, who is the mother of his children. Each day, he asks himself if he chooses to love his girlfriend that day, and she does the same. They agree they will stay together for as long as each decides to love the other. I am not sure I could subscribe to this sort of living arrangement, but I can affirmatively choose to love my significant other each day.
I incorporated this teaching into my life, in that I view love as something that must be tended to or it likely will wither away. I express love and appreciation daily to those closest to me in my life. The thought of choosing love each day strengthens it.
Are you open to the teachings of a shaman? If so, I would encourage you to check out don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements. Its simple, but deep messages have changed my life for the better.
In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion.
—Albert Camus12
I like retreats. For me, they are an opportunity to step back and reflect, away from my daily life.
I attended a spiritual retreat organized by Soul Purpose Productions, designed to raise our individual vibrations and the vibrations of our planet. It was a little bit woo-woo, and involved some clairvoyant encounters. It fed my spirit. The women seem to lack self-consciousness of the hindering type.
There is an annual holistic/psychic/yoga festival called Karmafest that Soul Purpose Productions started in 2005.13 It attracts hundreds of different types of healers and vendors and more than 3,000 attendees from all over the mid-Atlantic. The workshops were fascinating. The topics included using your intuition gifts, spirit guides and angels, belly dancing, encountering the goddess within, using high vibrational crystals to enhance spiritual development, and many more. I particularly enjoyed the musical performances and was able to dance like no one was watching, since everyone else there appeared to be doing the same (and because I am consciously trying to practice being uninhibited). In some ways, being there felt like being transported back to the 1970s, complete with a psychedelic painted bus as a backdrop. At one point, I found myself lying in the grass, looking up at the sky simultaneously experiencing delight and relaxation, surrounded by like-minded people who also wanted to find their soul purpose. It was a far cry from my buttoned-up lawyer life in D.C.
Years ago, I took a modern dance class at a local studio. It was a disaster. I was not comfortable enough with myself to get over my feeling of awkwardness. A hip-hop session I tried was even worse. But if I took either of those classes now, I believe I could truly enjoy it, despite my lack of skill. I would likely be as poor a modern or hip-hop dancer as I was years before, but I would not care. The point is being able to let go, which is not something I easily could do prior to hitting the half-century mark. Let’s drop the rock and live out loud.
Retreats abound, nowadays. There are even summer camps for adults, if that is more your style. Get away. Just for yourself. You may return with a different, more nourishing outlook.
33. Healing Self, Healing Others
Each of us has a unique part to play in the healing of the world.
—Marianne Williamson14
A few years ago, I would not have been open to the practice of Reiki. Reiki is healing that involves channeling energy to activate the natural healing processes of the subject’s body and restore physical and emotional well-being. Both Reiki and other healing modalities are a regular part of my life post-50.
Reiki is becoming more available in clinical settings. “More than 60 U.S. hospitals have adopted Reiki as part of patient services, according to a UCLA study, and Reiki education is offered at 800 hospitals,” reports The Washington Post.15 When I was fostering babies awaiting adoption years ago, I would go to the hospital to touch the premature infants who had to remain there. Babies who do not experience human touch often fail to thrive. Maybe I was unwittingly performing Reiki many years ago with the babies in my care.
According to the International Center for Reiki Training:
Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by “laying on hands” and is based on the idea that an unseen “life force energy” flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one’s “life force energy” is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy.
The word Reiki is made of two Japanese words—Rei which means “God’s Wisdom or the Higher Power” and Ki which is “life force energy.” So Reiki is actually “spiritually guided life force energy.”
A treatment feels like a wonderful glowing radiance that flows through and around you. Reiki treats the whole person including body, emotions, mind and spirit creating many beneficial effects that include relaxation and feelings of peace, security and well-being. Many have reported miraculous results.
Reiki is a simple, natural and safe method of spiritual healing and self-improvement that everyone can use. It has been effective in helping virtually every known illness and malady and always creates a beneficial effect. It also works in conjunction with all other medical or therapeutic techniques to relieve side effects and promote recovery.16
I was dubious at first, but became a believer as I allowed myself to be more open to new ways of thinking and released myself from the social contracts in my past. I learned how to do Reiki for healing myself and others, including my dog.
My dog broke his leg as a puppy. After a rigorous fetch-the-ball session and when it is raining, he limps on that leg. After I massage his leg and perform some Reiki on it, he seems to be able to put more weight on his leg. He certainly likes the attention from me.
I made a little sign out of driftwood I found on the beach that says, “Good vibrations only.” Reiki raises my vibrational energy. If I believe it to be so, it is—at least for me. Perhaps it is only a psychological effect. The mind-body connection has been studied and publicized.17 So if Reiki affects me positively, I welcome it. I did not have a good experience trying acupuncture, though I know many people who have found it helpful. We each have the ability to find what feeds us. If we never try, we will never know.
There are many layers to Reiki practice, and I know I only have scratched the surface. Reikiinfinitehealer.com has been a helpful resource for me to learn more about Reiki’s healing properties and how to use it in my life. This website offers free courses on various levels of Reiki.
Have you ever tried a Reiki session? There are Reiki practitioners throughout the United States now, as well as Reiki training centers. Many yoga studios offer Reiki training. Such training also is prevalent online and in eBooks. What do you have to lose by trying a session?
Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time, and always start with the person nearest you.
—Mother Teresa
I am somewhat ashamed to admit that I often did things for others because I wanted them to like me. I believe now that that need arose from not liking myself. I twistedly believed that if others liked me, the self-hatred within would dissipate.
Now I practice random and anonymous acts of kindness more often. I learned to give without needing anyone to know or thank me. I have encouraged my children to at least do this on Easter, since we are not typically together at Easter anymore and it is a positive way to share in the blessedness of the day.
I do enjoy demonstrating love through my cooking food for people. The difference is that pre-50, I wanted people to think I was like Martha F****** Stewart via my elaborate creations and carefully crafted presentations. I used to follow recipes meticulously, without trusting my tastes or instincts. No longer.
I also engage in pro bono legal work. The sad fact is that a large percentage of our population cannot afford lawyers. Our country’s legal system provides attorneys at no cost only in criminal cases in which a defendant cannot afford one. Frequently, a civil problem a person is having can be solved with one letter from a lawyer. I do what I can.
Another healing practice I try to follow now is never gossiping and steering conversations away from gossip. I attempt to adhere to Eleanor Roosevelt’s proscription that “great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” I try to keep my discourse infused with positivity.
What skills can you share? Anyone can provide words of encouragement. Spreading kindness does not have to be complicated.
A couple of my friends volunteer teaching English to those for whom English is not their native language. Some of my friends started giving circles to pool money to help individuals and nonprofits in need. One of these giving circles, “Womenade,” gives small gifts to help individuals get to medical appointments, or funds for security deposits so they can move into subsidized housing, or even to get dentures so a person can more easily secure employment. It is not difficult to start one’s own giving circle. Womenade has a how-to section on its website.18 I held a one-time pot luck supper where each attendee brought a check for whatever amount they chose and a dish to share. It was a small effort with a real impact on people’s lives. With our funds, a neighbor who is a volunteer doctor at a homeless shelter was able to help individuals obtain lifesaving prescription medicine, bus fares to job interviews, and down payments on low-income housing units.
We all can at least strive to make this world a bit better by sharing our time, talent, and treasure with others. There is a globally recognized World Kindness Day each year on November 13, which was started ten years ago by a collection of humanitarian groups under the World Kindness Movement umbrella group.19 The World Kindness Movement seeks “to inspire individuals toward greater kindness and to connect nations to create a kinder world.” I certainly want to be part of that, especially in the current political climate in which greater and more violent hatred has surfaced. If we all do our part in practicing kindness, we can elevate our society and ensure a better environment for future generations.
It was clear to me, as I glanced back over my earlier life, that a loving Providence watched over me, that all was directed for me by a higher power.
—Hans Christian Andersen
Trusting in my Higher Power came with various degrees of difficulty for me. The hardest part for me was trusting that my children have their own Higher Power, which is not me.
I would die for my children. When they were little, I could largely protect them from harm. They grew into responsible adults and yet I find myself infantilizing them with my mama bear tendencies. I do tell them every day (via text, mostly) that I love them, because I will never know when my last day will be.
My daughter calls me every weekend, which I so appreciate. My son receives an allowance from me. If I do not hear his voice via a phone call, he does not get his allowance. If I did not employ this carrot approach, I doubt I would hear from him.
Instead of futile attempts to control my adult children’s lives, I have learned to pray instead of attempting to fix things. I “hold a place” for them in my consciousness and send them positive energy. I practice the pause when talking to them and, through this, generally get to learn more about their lives.
I still worry about my adult children, and probably always will, but I try harder to remember that whatever happens is not in my control. They each live in cities far from mine. One is traveling around Asia; the other is in a theater conservatory in the Northeast. I think about them every day and have worked hard to consciously shift my thinking from needless worry to trust in my Higher Power. I strive to consider my life as a symphony and not let any one part of it get too loud in my consciousness.
I have family members and close friends who are alcoholics, and I experience profound sadness when they hurt themselves with their addiction. My 12-step program tells me that I cannot help them until they are ready to seek help. They must reach their own “bottom.” Watching someone I love on their way to their bottom without doing anything—detaching with love—is the hardest thing I have ever done. I pray every day that those bottoms are not death. I have lost many friends to this disease.
Have you been successful at letting go? I know that worry is a waste of energy and has deleterious effects on my health. But as we say in recovery, we strive for progress, not perfection. And I am moving in the right direction.
If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it’s not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.
—The Dalai Lama
You are a spiritual being having a human experience.
You’re not a human being having a spiritual experience.
—Deepak Chopra
“Do you have a photograph of yourself at age seven?” a spiritual advisor who had been recommended to me asked. I froze. “Why?” I stammered.
“I am feeling something traumatic that happened to you when you were seven years old. You need to nurture and forgive that little girl. Having a photograph of yourself at that age in a place you will often see it will help you heal.” I marveled at her skills as the tears rolled down my cheeks.
At age seven, I was inappropriately fondled by someone close to our family. It happened more than once. It was confusing and I did not know what to do about it. I knew it was inappropriate, because it was done surreptitiously. But I did not tell anyone for almost two decades.
My spiritual advisor intuitively knew what had happened and helped me heal. I keep the childhood photo on my desk.
My spiritual advisor and I worked together mostly by phone because of the distance between us. Initially, the advisor’s ability to know what was bothering me without my telling her was chilling, but it became comforting and helpful.
My advisor also supplied me with insights on parenting my individual children, in ways I do not believe I could have found without her. She was instantly in tune with their personalities, without ever having met them. She even helped me develop scripts I used for a couple of challenging conversations I needed to have with loved ones.
She helped me trust myself more. I slowly have learned to trust my gut instinct. Many in this field say that we all have intuitive powers that are especially strong when we are children, which then dissipate if they are not exercised and honed. Toltec Shaman and bestselling author don Miguel Ruiz20 maintains that we allow the world to impose judgment into our psyches and, as a result, lose some of the gifts with which we are born, such as powerful intuition and a sense of wonder about the world.
Another friend of mine, Jessica Epperson-Lusty, describes the need to trust our own inner guidance:
If we do not become conscious of what distorts our perception of our circumstances and our relationship with our intuitive guidance, we continue being led by external forces that may not support the expression of our authentic gifts, our soul’s fulfillment, and evolution in this life.21
Jessica uses a holistic approach to provide individuals with guidance along their paths of personal empowerment and enlightenment. She hosts workshops, retreats, yoga sessions, and JourneyDance events in her healing pursuits. I so admire her work in helping others evolve, and hope to attend one of her retreats in the near future.
I am, I know, lucky that my spiritual advisor was not a charlatan. It is supremely important to get personal recommendations before embarking on a path involving a spiritual advisor. I once met a tarot card reader in Georgetown who tried to get me to pay her thousands of dollars to help heal my bloodline. I was in such a bad place that I considered it for a long time before declining.
There are many types of spiritual guides. Mine calls herself, among other things, an intuitive consultant. She says, “As an intuitive consultant, energy worker, healer, and spiritual development teacher, I use my (clairaudient, claircognizant, clairsentient, and clairvoyant) abilities to discern the information I receive. I ask to serve as a healing instrument for the highest and best good of each client. I ‘tune in’ and the authentic journey begins.”22
In the Catholic church, and other places of worship, there are spiritual directors available. This is, of course, a different approach, but also helpful to many.
My spiritual advisor has given workshops about harnessing our personal power, which I have been glad to attend. She also has opened my mind to angels. She told me that whenever I see a feather, my guardian angel is with me. I now notice hundreds of feathers, some in unlikely places. And every time I see one, I smile. They show up seemingly when I most need the reminder of feeling protected.
I am more open to the idea of prior lives—that we are at our essence souls having human experiences, perhaps numerous times. I am open to many new possibilities.
Although it took me a while to begin working with a spiritual advisor, I admired several friends who did, long before I took the plunge. Such advisors seemed to help these friends to overcome some significant hurdles in their lives and to live in more grounded ways.
I was a bit anxious when I first called my spiritual advisor. Since she was a clairvoyant as well, I worried that she would read my mind and sense my thoughts. And the Catholic prohibition embedded in me regarding belief in the work of clairvoyants as a form of false god worship had given me pause as well. I still have skepticism but, like everything else, I take what feeds me and leave the rest.
Is seeing a spiritual advisor or spiritual director something you are open to trying? Or, if you have never consulted a counselor or therapist, would you be interested? Opening up to another person can ease our burdens and provide new dimensions of looking at our lives. Just telling someone else about anything bothering you can lighten its effect on you and make you feel that you are not alone in whatever the matter weighing on you may be.