Levi had looked forward to Saturday all week long. He finished painting and touching up the trim around the windows, little spots Natalie had missed, although he appreciated her doing the work. When his back began to ache a couple hours after lunch, he went inside.
The ladies were in the parlor. Mary was usually barefoot, but Natalie had kicked off her shoes as well, and both women had their feet stretched out on either side of the coffee table. Adeline was in Percy’s chair, also barefoot.
“Wie bischt. You ladies just lounging around?”
“Hey, we’ve been working too.” Natalie lifted her hands, which were covered with smudges of dirt. “I cleaned the fireplace.” She nodded at Mary and Adeline. “And those two went through some things in the extra bedroom and boxed up what Adeline didn’t need.”
Levi chuckled as he held up both palms. “Ya, ya. Okay. I’m done for today, though.”
“Maybe you’d want to play the piano?” Adeline crossed one leg over the other as she tipped her head to one side.
Levi remembered how happy Adeline had been when he played and Mary sang along. Adeline said she’d always thought playing an instrument was forbidden, and neither Levi or Mary had commented. What would Natalie think? She’d grown up around Amish folks, so she likely knew a lot of the rules.
“Ya, okay.” Levi sat on the bench and began to play a melody in his head that he didn’t recall playing before, and as his fingers followed the sounds in his mind, he closed his eyes and waited for Mary to join him. When she didn’t, he looked over his shoulder. Mary smiled with a gentleness and calm Levi wished he could bottle up and take with him everywhere. Natalie’s mouth hung open, her eyes round as saucers. Adeline dabbed at her eyes with a tissue.
Levi stopped. “Did I do something wrong, or play something you didn’t like?” He glanced at each of them again.
“Dude.” Natalie shook her head. “That was amazing. I didn’t think your people could own instruments, and yet”—she pointed to him—“you play better than concerts I’ve attended, people I’ve seen on TV, and . . . just wow. Who taught you to play like that?”
Pride consumed Levi in a way he’d never felt before. The piano was the only thing he’d ever excelled at. “No one taught me. I just know how.”
“He’s a prodigy,” Adeline said as she dabbed at her eyes again. Then she looked upward. “Forgive me, Percy”—her gaze went back to Levi—“but he plays even better than you did.”
Levi wasn’t sure what a prodigy was, but the pride continued to swell inside him. He could do something the average person couldn’t. He’d seen a piano in what he believed was a glimpse at heaven. How could something so beautiful be forbidden? He began to play again. This time he played something a little faster and upbeat. Even though the women’s tears appeared to be happy ones, he didn’t like to see anyone cry.
They all clapped when he was done, and Levi thought he might explode with gratification. He even took a bow.
Then his mother’s words came crashing down around him like it was raining stones.
Sohn, there are a lot of voices that call to us. And sometimes it is difficult to discern who the voice is. But I guarantee you, if you think that piano is calling to you, that isn’t the voice of our Lord. It’s the other voice. Keep that in mind as temptation calls to you.
Levi considered her words, his upbringing, and the Ordnung. Maybe the Ordnung is wrong. He heard his mother’s voice in his mind again, and his stomach twisted and churned. The joy that had seeped into his veins felt like poison now.
Natalie cleared her throat, interrupting his unwanted thoughts.
“I gotta go.” She lifted herself from the couch and hugged Levi. “You’re an amazing piano man.” Then she hugged Mary and Adeline.
Shortly after Natalie left, Adeline excused herself to take a nap, which she usually did around midafternoon. Levi walked to the couch and sat beside Mary. All day he’d hoped they would have time to be alone so he could kiss her. Now, his heart flipped in his chest, and his mind was a flurry of confusion.
“What’s wrong?” Mary touched his hand, and he closed his eyes, hoping some of her gentle calmness would rub off on him. He looked at her when she squeezed his hand.
“I can’t stop thinking about that dream or vision I had. I can see it in my mind: the cottage, the flowers, the butterflies, the white room, and the piano.”
“It’s a lovely image.” Mary paused. “Why are you so bothered by it now?”
Levi thought for a few moments. “I’m not sure. At first, I took it as a sign from Gott that there was nothing wrong with playing the piano, like He was giving me permission.”
“You don’t feel that way now?” Mary tipped her head slightly to one side.
“I don’t know. Something was different today.” He shook his head. “It felt wrong, and I’m confused because even though it didn’t feel right today, that vision floats back into my mind. And mei mamm said if I feel called to do something, I need to be able to discern who the calling is coming from.” He paused. “Gott . . . or the other voice.”
“I’ve had those same thoughts sometimes when I’m singing or listening to a song that mei parents wouldn’t approve of, songs Gott might not approve of either. I wonder, too, if it’s temptation, or if it really is okay to enjoy music, and our parents, bishop, and the Ordnung are wrong.” She took in a breath and blew it out slowly. “And it’s hard when no one seems to know why these rules about music and instruments exist.”
“Maybe I’m being tested and failing.”
They sat quietly, still holding hands.
Mary tapped a finger to her chin. “Maybe you need to talk to your bishop.”
Levi cringed. “Our bishop is strict. I’d be ashamed to tell him.”
Mary nudged him with her shoulder. “Shame is the devil’s work.”
Levi huffed. “Maybe playing the piano is too.” An idea came to him. “What about your bishop? You said he’s lenient. Maybe it would be easier for me to talk to him. Maybe I wouldn’t feel like he’s judging me as much as Bishop Troyer. And I could meet your family.”
Mary had met all of his family, and it didn’t seem like their chaos and lack of modern conveniences had scared her off. Maybe she was ready for him to meet her family too.
Mary searched her mind for reasons Levi shouldn’t meet her family, recalling the way things had been the past week. Lydia moped around like she’d lost her best friend, but no one was yelling or screaming or crying. But Levi would be able to tell that something was wrong with Lydia. And what if there was an unexpected explosion of emotion? Lydia was unpredictable. Would she remain sullen and quiet? Or would she intentionally try to embarrass their mother in front of Levi?
“That’s probably not a gut idea. I mean, you should probably go to the bishop in your district.” She bit her bottom lip and avoided his eyes. Levi’s family was warm, gracious, loud, playful, and all the things her family was not.
Mary loved her parents and Lydia, but her mother was uptight, too formal. Too perfect. No one was perfect, but her mother did her best to show that their family was in order. Lydia’s actions had sent her into a tailspin, and even though things had calmed down, Mary wasn’t sure the spinning was over. Mamm’s reputation—and that of her family—had been damaged.
Levi stood up, pulling his hand from Mary’s. “I gotta go.”
She stood up and followed him. “What’s wrong?”
He was out the door and in the yard by the time Mary caught up to him and grabbed his shirt. “Wait!”
Turning around, he folded his arms across his chest. “I have a lot to think about. I just need to go.”
“Did I say something wrong? I just feel like your bishop would be the best one to talk to, that’s all.” Her heart pounded.
“I just want to think about things.” Levi dropped his arms to his sides. “Tell Adeline I’ll be back next Saturday. I think I can finish the yard that day.”
Mary tucked her chin for a few seconds, letting Levi’s words sink in. “What does that mean? You won’t be coming on Saturdays anymore, even to visit?”
“I’m needed at home. Helping Adeline was important to mei mamm. But we all work on the farm on Saturdays too. I care about Adeline a lot, so I will find time to visit her, maybe when I make trips to town or cart mei mudder somewhere.”
Mary bit her bottom lip to try to stop the trembling. “What about me?”
Levi took a step closer. He gently took her face in his hands and kissed her, causing her knees to weaken like the last time. But just like Levi’s feelings about the piano feeling different for him, this kiss felt different to Mary. Almost like goodbye. He eased away and kissed her on the forehead, then sighed as he looked past her.
When he finally looked at her again, he held her gaze for a while. “I’ll see you next Saturday.”
Mary’s hurt was morphing into anger. He said he would be finished with the yard work next Saturday, and it sounded like he would be finished with her as well. She raised her chin and forced a smile.
“Fine. See you then.” She turned and walked back to the house so Levi couldn’t see the tears spilling down her cheeks. Maybe he wasn’t who she thought he was. How long had he known he would finish at Adeline’s house next Saturday? Maybe the flirting, the kiss, their conversations . . . maybe he’d never planned to take it any further.
Whatever it was, Mary sure wasn’t coming to Adeline’s next Saturday. As much as she’d miss seeing her and Natalie, saying goodbye to Levi would be too painful.
Levi loved his family, and now he feared he’d been wrong about Mary’s acceptance of them. Was she embarrassed of him and the people he loved most in the world? Was it the disarray in the house? His mamm and schweschdere worked hard to take care of their family. They were poor by Mary’s standards. It sounded like she lived a life of forbidden luxury. He had come up with a good reason to meet her family, and maybe help himself out in the process, and she’d shot down the idea right away.
Levi clicked his tongue to set his horse in motion—a horse and buggy he shared with four other people. Mary had her own horse and buggy.
He thought he had found the right person for him, and his heart ached in a way it hadn’t before. But too much was at stake right now, and temptation hung in the air around him like a dense fog he couldn’t navigate his way out of. The Lord must be mad at him. He had conflicting ideas about playing the piano and confusing thoughts about Mary.
Levi recalled his run-in with the bishop when he was twelve. But Levi was a grown man now. Or, at eighteen he was expected to be a grown man, even though he wanted to cry right now.
He pulled up to the Troyers’ house about fifteen minutes later, unsure how the elderly man would feel about an unannounced visitor. The front door was open, probably to let in the breeze, and Levi could see through the screen door as he knocked. Bishop Troyer rose to his feet from a recliner in the corner. He pushed open the screen door, and Levi resisted the urge to run back to his buggy.
Bishop Troyer stepped onto the porch. Levi was tall, but the bishop towered over him, and the man’s bushy eyebrows slanted inward, making him always look angry. His gray beard reached almost to his waist. Just the sight of him caused Levi’s insides to twitch and made him feel twelve again.
“Wie bischt, Levi. What can I do for you?” The bishop motioned for Levi to have a seat in one of the rocking chairs. The elderly man groaned a little as he sat. He had to be in his eighties by now.
Levi was glad to sit down and give his shaking legs a rest. “I-I, um . . . I need to talk to you about something.”
The hint of a smile played on the bishop’s face. “Ya, I assumed so.”
“I-I, um . . .” This is a mistake.
“Whatever it is, we will work through it together.” Bishop Troyer stroked his beard, its length a reminder that the man had years of wisdom.
“I was in an accident not long ago. I fell off a ladder, and I was unconscious for a while.” Levi bent at the waist and rested his arms on his legs.
“Ya, I know. Your mudder told me at worship service. I’ve been praying for you, and it looks like you are doing well.”
Levi nodded, but didn’t look at the man. He needed to just spit it out, so he took a deep breath. “I don’t understand why we can’t play instruments, or why we aren’t allowed to sing songs that aren’t approved by you and the elders.” He looked up and straightened as a frown took over the older man’s face. Bishop Troyer’s wrinkles connected like the roadmap of a long life, and when he frowned, he looked even older.
“Where is this coming from?”
Levi took off his hat and placed it in his lap as sweat pooled at his temples. “No one can give me a reason why we aren’t allowed to play instruments. All I ever hear is that it’s just not allowed. I understand the reasoning behind most things in the Ordnung, and I follow our rules, but it doesn’t make sense to me about music.”
Bishop Troyer sighed. “Which instrument have you been playing? Guitar? Harmonica? Something else?”
Levi stared at the older man as his heart hammered in his chest.
“Do you think you are the first person to come to me with this question? I’ve lived a long life as the bishop in this district. There isn’t much I haven’t heard.” Bishop Troyer paused, coughing. “There are several reasons we don’t play instruments or approve of most music. It invokes unnecessary emotions, for one thing.”
Levi shook his head, then told the bishop about his vision of the cottage and piano. He also told him about the piano at Adeline’s house. “I think Gott gave me a glimpse of heaven.”
“Perhaps he did. I’ve heard of this happening before. The Englisch refer to it as a near-death experience.” Bishop Troyer leaned to his right and took a handkerchief from his pocket, then dabbed at the sweat on his forehead.
“I think it was more like a dream or a vision, although it felt real to me, like Gott was telling me it is okay to play the piano.” He kept his eyes fused with the bishop’s, challenging him. “And most of the time, playing the piano makes me happy, peaceful even. How can that be wrong?”
“You just said most of the time.” Bishop Troyer wiped his forehead again.
Levi thought about how he felt earlier today. He wasn’t sure how to explain it.
“Levi, you are old enough to understand why we keep things uniform. What if you had a fancy buggy that was bigger and better than anyone else’s? I see this with young men who decorate their buggies, put radios inside, and hang ornamental items on the outside.” He scowled a little. “More so in other districts than here.”
Levi had never done any of those things. He was too fearful of the bishop’s wrath—and his father’s—but he’d seen a few boys decorate their buggies during their rumschpringe. He nodded.
“These boys who do this are competing, and competition brings forth an emotion that we try to avoid.” He raised an eyebrow.
“Pride.” Levi recalled the way he felt today when everyone cried and clapped.
The bishop nodded. “Are you a gut piano player?”
“Apparently, I’m a great piano player.” Levi regretted the comment the moment it came out.
“And proud of it.” Bishop Troyer grimaced. “You can do something most people can’t, which makes you appear better than them in that regard. And as such, it fills you with pride.”
Levi was quiet as he thought about what the bishop said.
“The Ordnung teaches us not to be prideful. Not only is pride involved, but why would we want to manipulate our feelings through music? It has a way of making us feel happy or sad even though nothing in our lives has changed since we started listening.”
Levi shook his head. “Bishop Troyer, I understand what you’re saying.” Again, he recalled how proud he’d been when he played for Adeline, Mary, and Natalie earlier. “I know being prideful is wrong. But I believe with all my heart that Gott gave me a sign in my vision, dream, near-death experience, or whatever it was. It was a beautiful place filled with love. There was nothing bad there. I know it. Maybe we have misinterpreted that part of the Ordnung.” Levi surprised himself by being so forthcoming with the bishop.
“Or maybe you have misinterpreted your vision.”
“How?” Levi’s heart wasn’t beating hard anymore. He wanted answers, and his desire to understand helped him press on.
“What color is the piano at Adeline’s haus?”
“Black.” Levi couldn’t imagine why that mattered.
“Yet it was white in heaven, in a place where you felt nothing but pure love. There are many references to the color white in the Bible, and it is associated with purity and all things good.” The bishop coughed again, and Levi waited.
“During our time here on earth, we can’t feel pure love. It is Gott’s gift to us when we get to heaven, a place where there is no pride, competition, or manipulation of our emotions. My interpretation of your vision is that you can have anything you want in heaven because your earthly feelings won’t interfere with your desires. I think Gott was trying to tell you that there will come a time when you can play piano all you want. But not here on earth, thus the black piano at your friend’s haus. Black is the darkest color in the Bible. It absorbs light but doesn’t give any back. We are all imperfect sinners who are unable to control our emotions on our own. We don’t need devices that add to that challenge.”
Levi hung his head, his thoughts steadily becoming more organized. “I understand. I’m just not sure I can give up the piano forever.”
Bishop Troyer shrugged. “Some people cannot desist from whatever temptation is thrown at them, and they leave our community to live a life that allows such things. But could you, in good conscience, seek the rite of baptism while continuing to play the piano?”
This wasn’t what Levi wanted to hear. He wanted the man to say that Levi’s situation was an exception. He didn’t respond to the question, and when the bishop stood up, Levi knew their visit was coming to an end.
“Danki for seeing me without notice.” Levi put his hat on. “I’m still unsure.”
“You are here because you feel shame for what you’ve done. The Lord doesn’t make us feel that way. We bring out that sin on our own.” He looped his thumbs beneath his suspenders. “You want me to see things your way so any feelings of shame will subside. I can’t do that.”
The bishop extended his hand to Levi. “Go in peace, and I will pray that you make the right choice.”
Levi thanked him again and left. He had no idea what to do. And if he didn’t feel miserable enough, thoughts of Mary assaulted him.
This wasn’t his best day.