HE WAS HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS.
Not about Tanya, whose demeanor had totally changed. She was throwing all of her energy into wanting to rid herself of the ventilator and seemed much more eager to start physical therapy, both of which were supposed to happen tomorrow. He had Kirsten to thank for that. Which is why he’d offered to show her the sights.
Right? The words at the restaurant two days ago had come out of nowhere. But when he’d asked her if she missed Lebanon, she’d gotten this funny look on her face and hadn’t quite met his eyes. Was she that homesick? Homesick enough to leave NYC Memorial?
Why wouldn’t she be? She’d said her family was all there. Snow didn’t understand that kind of homesickness, since his family was at best dysfunctional, and at worst... Well, it’s why he liked to lock his doors at night. His father had been out of the picture for a long time, but the habits he’d picked up from his time at home were not.
It’s a compulsion. The words whispered through his head, and he was quick to push them back out again. So what if he liked to lock his doors at night? So what if he’d asked for an extra lock on his office at the hospital? That didn’t make it a compulsion. But he remembered his mom’s hands shaking as she’d struggled to install a lock on Snow’s bedroom door after a particularly bad night. He’d been seven at the time, and he hadn’t quite understood why one of his mom’s eyes was darker than the other. He’d learned soon enough, though, that even brand-new locks didn’t always keep monsters at bay.
Hell! He hadn’t thought about this in forever. Why now? Maybe it was Kirsten asking about the lock on his office door and frowning as she asked him if she needed one, too. He hoped she never did. Hoped she always felt safe.
Was that why he’d asked if he could show her some sights? Because he’d feel safer if she had someone with her, since she’d shared that she didn’t know very many people at the hospital yet?
Ha! How funny was it that he, of all people, thought he could make her feel safe? He was never really sure if his dad’s darkness was somehow inside of him. After all, his mom said that he’d been different when they’d first met. That he’d been charming and kind.
Well, Snow was pretty sure he couldn’t be accused of being either of those things. But the other?
Damn. Well, he’d make sure she didn’t get any funny ideas, not that she’d shown any interest in him. But he also remembered the shock he’d felt when she said that she’d eaten with “Dr. Sabat,” and he’d thought she meant Kaleb at first. He knew his friend would never cheat on Nicola, so why had that weird feeling slithered through his gut, coiling there as if waiting to strike if his friend made one wrong move. Was it that darkness he worried about? Or simply because he’d been cheated on before? Just because Theresa had cheated, it didn’t mean everyone did.
But Kirsten hadn’t mentioned whether or not she was seeing anyone back at her old hospital or not. If she was, surely she wouldn’t have agreed to go with him. Right?
Way to show your ignorance, Snow. Women and men can be friends.
With that thought, he went to see his next patient, making a note to himself to call Kirsten and let her know that he had next Wednesday off. If that didn’t work, then maybe he could take a portion of one of his personal days and take her around then.
His phone buzzed and he glanced at the readout. He frowned at the coincidence that found his mind on Kirsten at the very moment she was calling him. “Hello? Snow here.”
“Um, hi. I’m just checking to see how things with Tanya went today.”
He stopped at a nearby waiting area and dropped into a chair, so he didn’t have to walk and try to schedule things at the same time. “They went well. Really well. Thanks to you.”
“Oh, I’m pretty sure she would have eventually gotten with the program with or without my help. She was just going through a momentary, er, alhuzin... How do you say it? A momentary depression, maybe?”
The ease with which that word in her native tongue slid out made him picture her in his mind. Were her straight black locks flowing over her shoulders before being caught in a ponytail partway down its length? Or was her hair loose and free, allowing him to...? Something shifted in his gut, and this time it wasn’t a slithery dark sensation. But it was just as dangerous. And he needed to take it seriously.
“Yes, a momentary depression is the perfect word to describe it. But she seems to be looking forward to recovering now.”
“And maybe having a baby of her own?”
“Yes. Maybe. We’re certainly not ruling anything out at the moment.”
“So, since Tanya is doing well, maybe I can ask your opinion on a patient of my own? She’s a ten-year-old girl.”
Ah, so this was the reason for her call, although he was pretty sure her interest in how Tanya was doing was genuine. “Of course. Is she in the hospital?”
“Not at the moment, but today was my second time seeing her over the period of a week. I’m suspecting something more is going on besides a chest infection. She’s short of breath, even though I don’t see any signs of bacterial pneumonia or a viral infection.”
“That’s a positive.”
There was a pause. “It is, although ruling out simple reasons makes me suspect it might be a more complicated condition.”
“Such as?”
“Right now, pulmonary hypertension is topping my list.”
That stopped him in his tracks. Tanya’s transplant had been due to primary pulmonary hypertension, but in a child? “You know that’s a pretty uncommon finding in kids.”
“Yes, and that’s what has me worried.”
He could imagine. Even though his specialty was transplantation, every time they could save a patient from needing one was a victory for the hospital and the patient, as well.
“Have you already set up another appointment with her?”
“No, I wanted to see what your schedule was like next week.”
“That’s funny, I was just about to call you to ask the same thing. I have next Wednesday off, if you’re still interested in going to see what the Big Apple has to offer.”
His suggestion was met with silence. Maybe she was checking her calendar. Or maybe she’d simply hung up on him. The latter didn’t seem very likely. He hadn’t done anything to make her mad. At least he didn’t think so, not today. Then she came back on. “Yes, I can do Wednesday. What time?”
“I’ll leave that up to you. I have the whole day off, so we can spend part of it sightseeing or all of it.”
“And my patient?”
This time it was Snow who flipped through his appointments. “Can you do Friday, late morning?”
“I have a surgery first thing, but I should be done by about eleven. Can we make it right after lunch?”
He was tempted to ask her out to lunch, but he knew that was not a good idea. He wasn’t even sure how smart it had been to offer to take her to see the sights on Wednesday. As he’d learned the hard way, there were consequences for every choice you made in life. His ex had suffered the consequences of his marriage proposal. The one that had ended in divorce. But he’d learned his lesson. From now on, he would make choices that only affected him.
“Yes, that will work. Say one o’clock?”
“One o’clock it is. And do you have a time preference for Wednesday?”
“How long do you think it’ll take me to see everything?”
He chuckled. “In New York City? We measure sightseeing in terms of weeks, not hours.”
“I guess I was thinking about just the biggest of the big. Like the Statue of Liberty or something like that.”
“Okay, we’ll put that on our list of things to see. That might be an all-day affair, in and of itself, though. Between that and Ellis Island, there’s a lot to see.”
“Sounds good.” There was a pause. “And thanks for being willing to see my patient.”
He smiled. “You were willing to see mine. I can’t promise that same kind of breakthrough, however.”
“Just a second set of eyes is all I need, Snow.”
He liked it when she said his name, although he wasn’t sure why. Everyone he knew shortened his name to Snow, since Snowden seemed stuffy, somehow.
“Well, you’ve got them. I’ll see you Wednesday, then?”
“Yes, see you then.”
They ended the call, and he set his phone on the desk, staring at it for a minute. He couldn’t help but feel he was making a mistake by taking her around New York. He could always call Nicola and ask if she’d be willing to do it. But, like Kirsten said, Nicola and Kaleb had a baby at home and it didn’t seem fair to pull her away from her family with the hours she was still putting in at work.
No, he’d do it. He’d just remind himself of his reasons and make sure his mind didn’t wander outside of those preset parameters. As long as he did that, everything would be just fine.
Why had she worn a skirt on a sightseeing trip? Well, for one thing, it was cooler than pants on a hot day like today. And, two, because she pretty much lived her life in these same loose gauzy garments. She hiked up the white fabric to her knees yet again so it didn’t drag on the ground when she stepped into Snow’s low sports car, making sure she then tossed the fabric back over her knees once inside. Her low black espadrilles were super comfortable, too, and her sleeveless black top was loose and lightweight.
This was the first time she’d seen Snow out of his customary khaki pants and button-down shirt, and she had to say, he’d taken her breath away when he’d met her beside the car. Dressed in black jeans and a red polo shirt with his blond hair shoved off his forehead, he looked lean and fit, and far too gorgeous for comfort.
If she was smart, she would make up an excuse as to why she suddenly couldn’t go. Like an emergency. It wouldn’t exactly be a lie, because she was feeling a bit panicked about going.
She did her best to distract herself from stealing glances at him. At the way those long surgeon’s fingers curled around the steering wheel, his thumb absently brushing across the leather surface. Because if she didn’t, she was going to imagine that thumb stroking over her skin.
Yep, she might be in need of an emergency intervention. Had she learned nothing from her relationship with Dave? Yes, she had. That was part of the problem.
“So will the ferry stop at the Statue of Liberty first or Ellis Island?” It was pretty early in the morning, but Snow said if they left too late the line to get on the ferry at Battery Park would be very long.
He glanced her way, blue eyes surprisingly warm this morning. “The Statue of Liberty. I was able to get reservations to explore the platform, but the number of slots to climb to the crown are pretty limited. There wasn’t enough lead time to try. And we’d have to climb the equivalent of twenty stories of steps to get to the top.”
“Wow, that’s a lot. I bet the view is amazing, though.”
His thumb stopped stroking and his hands tightened slightly on the wheel. “Yes. The view is amazing even without the climb.”
Had he taken someone special up there? Because his voice had had a funny timbre to it. Maybe he hadn’t wanted to go up there with her. No, he’d said there were only a small number of people allowed up each day, which was understandable.
“I’ll make it up there someday.” She hoped, anyway. If her plans came to fruition, she might only be here for a couple of years before leaving for good. But no need to share that with him. Better not to tell him, actually. She hadn’t even discussed it with her dad yet, although he would be thrilled if she came back home.
The problem was, her mom was buried in Ohio. Even though Kirsten knew her essence was not in those ashes, it would still be hard to leave the country, knowing she’d probably never be back to visit her grave.
A lump formed in her throat. As the only child, it would mean the grave would sit there all alone. Forever. Something far worse than eating alone at a restaurant.
She shook off a wave of melancholy. She was supposed to be here to enjoy the sights, not brood over things she couldn’t control.
“Maybe you and Nicola can plan a day when her baby is older.”
“Maybe.” She forced her voice to be light and cheery. She was not going to spoil this day. Nothing like having him basically tell her this was their one and only outing. He’d as much as said he was doing it in appreciation for her help with Tanya. And because he hadn’t been very friendly during their first interaction on the phone.
Why should his reasons matter? She barely knew him. And he didn’t know her at all. It was already kind of him to have offered to take her in the first place. It’s just that it made her feel like some friendless charity case.
Well, she wasn’t a charity case, but she was still basically friendless at this point, although she was starting to form some connections that looked promising.
Like with Snow? No, not with him. Maybe it was better to hurry and get this over with. “How far away is the ferry station?”
“About a half-hour drive in this traffic. Not far. Once we get on the ferry, the trip will be pretty quick. About five minutes to the statue itself.”
“Wow. Somehow I thought it was farther out than that.”
“Nope. Not far at all. Ellis Island is pretty amazing, as well.”
“I bet.” She’d heard of the island, but honestly hadn’t thought she’d get a chance to see it. At least not anytime soon. Her hours at the hospital had been pretty hectic ever since she’d arrived to take Dr. Billings’s place.
“Did you get to see the sights when you were in Ohio?”
“Yes, but my mom was so sick at first...” She took a deep breath and tried again. “She didn’t get to see much at all of America.”
He glanced at her again as he stopped at a red light. “I’m sorry, Kirsten. That had to have been a hard time for your family.”
“It was. I know how lucky I am to have had her with us for as long as we did, but it still wasn’t an easy time. My dad really held our family together during that time.”
“That’s great. Not everyone has that kind of luxury.”
What luxury? Of having a dad? She guessed not. “I didn’t think of it as a luxury at the time. In fact, my dad and I butted heads a lot.”
“Yeah. That I can understand. But he was a good father?”
What a strange question. A shiver went over her at the implications behind it. She’d been very lucky in that her family had been a loving and nurturing one. She guessed not everyone had that. But the way he’d asked it... “Yes. My dad is a wonderful man. We have a very close relationship. At least we do now.”
He nodded, but didn’t look her way. “I’m glad.”
And if she’d said he wasn’t a good father? She blinked as a thought flickered in her head and then disappeared. She decided maybe she’d better move the subject away from her own life. “So are your parents both still living?”
“Yes.”
The word came out quickly, and she waited for him to add something. Anything. She’d been looking at him when she asked the question, and was shocked by the sudden change in his profile after he bit out his answer. A muscle bunched in his jaw, flickering just like that lost thought from a few seconds ago. After the silence grew past the point of discomfort, she realized he wasn’t going to expand on his answer. Maybe his family wasn’t as close as she and her parents had been. As she and her father still were.
She swallowed. Her question had been innocent, but she suddenly felt she’d stumbled into an area that boasted a huge No Trespassing sign. “Sorry, Snow. I didn’t mean to pry. I was just—”
“No. Don’t be sorry.” His shoulders relaxed and one side of his mouth quirked. “I deserved it. I pried into your family history, didn’t I?”
She hadn’t minded, because she had nothing to hide. Unlike Snow, evidently. There was a sense that his one-word answer had been loaded with a meaning she didn’t understand. And it had nothing to do with language or culture.
“I didn’t consider it prying. Still. I shouldn’t have asked.”
“Yes, you should have. My parents are still alive, but my father and I have no contact. Nor will we. My mom lives in Massena, actually. It’s considered part of upstate New York.”
“Upstate?”
“It means in the northern part of the state.”
“Ah, I see.” She couldn’t imagine being estranged from one of her parents. It would take something drastic and terrible to have made her turn away from either of them. That earlier thought flickered again, getting a little brighter this time.
That extra lock on his door...
Surely not. Maybe it wasn’t Snow who was hiding something and needed to keep people from discovering it. Maybe it had something to do with his dad. Maybe Snow didn’t want him getting in his office. Except she didn’t keep medication of any kind in her office, and she was pretty sure it would be against hospital regulations, anyway.
And she was probably reading way too much into all of this.
Snow pulled into the parking lot of a coffee chain. “I need a cup of coffee. Do you want something?”
“That sounds good. Some cream and a couple of sugar packets to go in it, please.”
After placing the order and sliding up to the window, he handed her coffee across. She took a bracing sip, glad for the slight burn that trickled down her throat. It was going to be a warm day, but it always surprised her that coffee tended to cool her down rather than make her even warmer. Maybe it was the contrast of the beverage compared to the air inside the car.
Ten minutes later, they were pulling into the ferry station, and Snow found a place to park. There was already a line, but compared to what she’d been imagining, it wasn’t too bad. They were just loading one of the ferries now.
“How many can it hold?”
“Several hundred passengers.”
Her eyebrows went up as they got in line. “It shouldn’t take us long to get on at that rate.”
In actuality, they made it onto the ferry that was loading, although the line cut off a few people behind them. They went up the ramp to the boat and somehow managed to find a place near the railing, where they could see.
Then they were pulling away from the dock. A swift breeze blew into her face, and she was glad she’d scraped back her hair into a messy bun. It wouldn’t have mattered if it had been neat, anyway, because most of it would probably be blown down by the time they got to the island.
Someone with a camera came over and squeezed into the space next to her, forcing her to move over until her hip pushed against Snow’s. “Sorry,” she murmured.
He leaned down, a hint of aftershave tickling her nose. “Not your fault.” His voice was low, rumbling against her ear in a way that made her shiver.
She swallowed as unfamiliar sensations skipped through her belly, setting fire to whatever composure she had left. What would it be like to have this man whisper to her in a darkened room?
Not something she was ever likely to experience. And if she wasn’t careful these ludicrous ideas were going to taint all of her future interactions with him. Was she in danger of developing a little crush on the handsome doctor? She hoped not, because that wouldn’t be smart, given how aloof he was most of the time. And how secretive. While she’d shared quite a bit of personal information with him, the second she’d asked him to share something in return, he’d pretty much cut her off. Kind of the way Dave had cut her off at the end of their relationship. He’d gone from being her lover to immersing himself in his studies to barely answering her texts. For Kirsten, who was used to an open and warm home environment, that kind of attitude was strange and unfamiliar. But maybe it was just the American way.
Except she had known lots of other Americans in the ten years she’d been in the States. And while there were always some outliers, she’d met some incredible people. Like Nicola and Kaleb.
None of that mattered, however. Because letting herself fantasize about a man she worked with, a man she was likely to never see again if she left for Lebanon, was not a very smart idea. Because she would end up doing what Dave had done to her: walk away.
But you can look, can’t you, Kirsten? And if you’re leaving...
She was pretty sure she was already guilty of looking. But actually, her leaving might make it even easier. Because there would be no long-term commitments. No painful goodbyes. And Snow was pretty obviously not a warm and fuzzy, “forever” kind of guy. Even Nicola had mentioned yesterday that Snow was divorced and hard to get to know. She’d been surprised he was even taking her sightseeing.
So maybe Snow’s attitude wasn’t something she should take personally.
The person who’d squeezed next to her unexpectedly raised his arms to take a picture, and Kirsten jerked to the side, barely avoiding being elbowed in the chin. Snow must have noticed her evasive maneuver, because his arm went around her, and he edged her even closer. It wasn’t with any kind of ulterior motive other than to help move her away from her annoying neighbor. It worked, and she found she could lean her head against Snow’s shoulder. She rationalized it by telling herself it wasn’t like she’d have to face him for the next twenty years. It might only be the next twenty months. Maybe less than that.
Then his thumb moved on her bare shoulder. Just like it had on his steering wheel. Just like she’d imagined him doing to her.
And boom! The thoughts she’d had while watching him drive hit all over again, skimming over her body and making her nipples tighten. Her knees went wobbly and she gripped the railing for support. Oh, Lord, she was going to have to learn to control herself. But unlike Snow, who seemed to be perfectly in control of his emotions and unaffected by her proximity, she wasn’t used to having men pressed against her like this. Other than Dave, of course. She hadn’t been in to casual dating, and he’d been her first real love. Her first time sleeping with a man.
She’d thought it would last forever, at the time. But evidently what she’d thought was a serious relationship hadn’t been, at least not in his mind. They’d had some good times, but once they both left medical school and had started working in their prospective fields, it was like she’d been wiped off his slate of acquaintances. Added to that, their backgrounds were totally opposite.
His parents were divorced, and he had little contact with either of them, nor did he wish to change that. And he hadn’t understood why she wanted to include her dad in every decision she made. It had caused a lot of friction between them. Maybe it was a matter of culture, but she didn’t think so. They were just different. Too different. And to have it end after she’d bared her soul to him had devastated her, made her far less willing to share parts of herself with other people.
And yet she’d told Snow about her mom. About her reasons for going into pulmonology. She wasn’t even sure why she had. But she wasn’t doing it again.
She was not going to get any ideas about Snow. And even if by some weird chance she came to care about him, they would fare no better than she and Dave had. He wasn’t close to his family, by his own admission. And he was definitely not a very warm person. Or someone who shared things from his innermost being.
Not that she would. Come to care about him, that was. Because it wouldn’t last. Even if she decided not to move.
Right now, though, none of that mattered. She wasn’t looking for permanent things. Not even in her job at NYC Memorial. So she could sit back and enjoy being pressed close to someone who was very attractive. And if what Nicola had said was true, that he was hard to get to know, that could work in her favor. Because she wouldn’t need to try to get to know him. Leaning against him was temporary. In a few minutes, even that would be over and they would go back to being two strangers.
But for now, she intended to be present in the moment and enjoy this outing. She would ignore those tiny warning lights that were flashing far in the distance. There was still a lot of time to make a detour around them. A lot of time to avoid the emotional sinkhole that might lie just beyond.
At least she hoped there was.